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Modest clothing for mom
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I have been thinking a great deal lately about modesty. I feel I am a modest person, though I know we all have different ideas of modesty. I am not trying to start a debate just trying to get some input!
1. Do you consider a sleeveless top modest? (not spaghetti straps just sleeveless) Why or why not.
2. At what length do you consider a top to be modest?
3. How do you decide if skirts or pants are too fitted?
4. At what length do you consider a skirt or shorts to be too short?
5. How you deal with being around people that are totally immodest?
6. Do you avoid public pools or just prepare your children?
7. Is there any immodest clothing issue you see regurarly I forgot?
The older I get the more modest I have become. I use to have only wear around the house shorts for cleaning and such, but as the boys get older I realized that was no longer okay. It is difficult to understand (for a woman) that to a boy or man womanly parts are attractive even if it is your mother or sister. I have growing boys and girls so I really want to get a grasp on all this. I really do feel that modesty is a team effort. The woman/girl has to be mindful of dressing and acting modest and the man/boy has to be mindful of his thoughts and looks. We are in a little bubble here and the children are very rarely around very immodest people. They may see spaghetti straps now and then or shorter shorts but nothiing too crazy. I isn’t that warm here or at least not for that long so layering is popular here and the summer has never been too much of an issue. We are moving to Georgia though and I am sure the heat will bring less clothing, as with any hot place! I know I need to be prepared and God is definately showing me this recently!
Thanks for any input!
Stephanie
We are pretty strict about modestly around here. We wear clothes with sleeves, that cover our belly, sides, chest, and back, that are not skin tight, that reach our knees, and that don’t have innappropriate writing on them in places that don’t need extra advertisement. =) We are also in hot climates so we do tend to wear looser clothing to allow cooler comfort in the summer. My girls love t-shirt dresses that we make. If they are going to be bouncing on the trampoline and swinging from anything, they wear shorts or leggings under it. The pants too tight issue: if you can see them cutting into flesh anywhere it is too tight. (I’m not talking about hips, btw). =)
It is our way of remembering that the Lord created our bodies and we are to treat them as temples. We also try to teach modestly of sitting, etc.
Sheila
A lot of my modesty thoughts are what is considered modest by my church…
1 – We don’t wear sleeveless. (tshirt is fine… doesn’t have to be long sleeves.) this is one that I’m not totally sure why…but do think it is easily a slippery slope… that it is easy for a sleeveless to get closer and closer to spaghetti straps, so requiring sleeves is easier to define.
2 – A top is fine if you can lift up your arms (say reaching to get something off a shelf) and you are still covered.
3 – hm – not sure how I would define them being too fitted… that is one of those things that I can tell by looking, but wouldn’t be able to put a definition on it. Definately would want to be able to sit comfortablly in them, without revealing anything…
4 – For a skirt, past the knees. For shorts, I try to get them to the knees, but the knees are bare… kind of a bremuda short. Some years it is really hard to find those. My kids do wear shorts that are shorter than that though… would probably pick age 12 for when I would reinforce that.
5 – I try to ignore any modesty problems in others – would depend some on the situation.
6 – we use public pools and just discuss with kids if necessary.
7 – other things – we only use 1 piece swim suits – trying for as modest a cut as can get. We don’t lounge around in swimwear other than swimming. Boys don’t go shirtless except for swimming.
hope that helps some!
This is a great topic. I would like to share my input, also not to get in any debates. I realize that everyone’s definition of modesty is very different, and as stated it looks different in different climates/cultures. I respect these differences, however I come from a Mennonite background on my father’s side of the family, so am on the conservative side.
We do not wear sleeveless tops. Except underneath something else 🙂 Short sleeve tops generally fall mid-way between shoulder and elbow. That is as short as we go. My husband and I simply do not like the look of anything shorter. Shirts always cover the belly. For us, mid-sections should never be seen. Neither should much below the collarbone, including when leaning over (we like a high neckline).
Skirts are always below the knee, even when sitting. We do not wear shorts, but like capri pants.
Fit of clothing – I have seen people covered from neck to ankle, who look entirely immodest. We prefer tailored clothing, or looser fit, but never wear anything stretchy-tight. It always looks immodest to me when I can see the exact curvature of someone’s body (not that I go around looking, but sometimes it’s difficult not to notice).
I think an honest look in the mirror once you’re dressed reveals a lot.
We do avoid public pools.
Gaeleen
We wear what we consider comfortable. We do wear mostly pants or shorts in summer, I am not big on skirts and dresses – I prefer shorter shorts as it suits me as I am short, but when I say shorter – I am not being immodest and showing buttocks or anything like that. If I do wear a skirt it is always just above the knee and I mean about an inch above the knee, as this again suits my short stature. I believe in still looking nice for my husband, but within reasonable bounds. I wear blouses and t shirts mostly with V necks, but they are not deep v necks, so no cleavage showing. My clothes are on the looser side as I don’t like things too tight for comfort purposes. The girls are modest as well, if they buy a top and it is a bit low at the front they will put a cami under it – I have never had to reinforce this with them, they are modest by nature, and not really into fashion, so they wear what is pleasing to them and it is always loose and modest. The only exception is my daughter’s jodphurs for her riding which by necessity are on the tighter side – but not obscenely so. I do not judge others and what they wear – I might notice men/boys with their pants hanging low, or girls with everything hanging out and find it objectionable, but it is not my place to tell someone else what they should do. We do wear regular one piece swimsuits at the pool with racer backs and to be honest the girls do not pay much attention to what others are wearing – they never really have. As a European I am very used to seeing the human body in art and in swimming pools in Europe where anything goes – nudity is common in Germany and in other parts of Europe – but usually in designated places. However I do remember on a hiking trip coming across a lake where everyone man, woman, child of all shapes and ages were naked bathing and sunning themselves – this is normal for some, and while not normal for me, I paid little attention and carried on hiking. I never wanted the girls to grow up ashamed of their bodies, just to respect them. Linda
To clarify “5. How you deal with being around people that are totally immodest?”. I don’t mean that you would walk up to them and say something or that you would think less of them. I just mean would you leave or something. I I have 3 boys 1 really that is becomming more aware of gender differences. He will be 8 next month. Then I have 2 girls and men can be immodest too!
Do yo find it easy to find modest but nice clothing at stores?
I would not leave, but use it as a teaching experience and use whatever your particular view is as the lesson. I am far less shocked by people’s clothing than I am about violence in any form. I guess being European gave me a different attitude to modesty and I am rarely shocked at anything, but violence in any form that is glorified, or bullying etc those things are shocking to me. I consider the human form beautiful, but that does not mean I want to parade around half clothed. I think if you teach your children to your beliefs, you will not go far wrong – short of living in a cave somewhere, your children will see immodesty in the supermarket and in all kinds of places – raise them right and they will know what is right and what is not. In regards to buying nice clothing it is tough, because today there are so many crop tops, skin tight jeans etc and so as I said we adapt the clothing we buy. We wear Cami’s underneath or layer clothes to modesty intact. Linda
1. Do you consider a sleeveless top modest? (not spaghetti straps just sleeveless) Why or why not. We don’t do sleeveless tanks(except when my girls are very little) for the reason that when bending over or sitting, something usually shows, a bra or worse:)
2. At what length do you consider a top to be modest? Same as others, it shouldn’t be showing any belly normally or when reaching for something
3. How do you decide if skirts or pants are too fitted? If it is skin tight, that’s too tight for us
4. At what length do you consider a skirt or shorts to be too short? We personally like them to be right under knee length, skirts even more calf-length. For me, I don’t like anything above calf-length but I’ve grown more uncomfortable with more skin showing the older I’ve become.
5. How you deal with being around people that are totally immodest? It depends on where you are, we try not to make an issue out of it, if it’s other Christians you are around frequently I think it’s fine to privately speak to the person. If it’s a place where you can leave without making a scene I think it’s fine.
6. Do you avoid public pools or just prepare your children? We avoid them completely, I don’t think there is anything modest about swimsuits. I would never let my girls walk out in public in their underwear, or super tight clothing, and that’s what swimsuits are so I don’t really see the difference. It is something that has become culturally acceptable, but I still don’t think it’s pleasing to the Lord to show our bodies in that way to people other than our spouses. I’m not judging anyone that does, it’s just not for our family.
7. Is there any immodest clothing issue you see regurarly I forgot? Just as mentioned by others, v-necks that are deep and show cleavage, or that gape when bending over. I always like having a tank top underneath in case that happens since I’m picking up little ones all the time, or picking up toys:)
We have found nicer modest clothing at thrift stores but my kiddos are younger so it will probably get worse the older they get.
I also agree that girls/women and boys/men need to be mindful of their clothing choices, but I think it’s extremely important to not expose boys to unnecessary sources of stumbling, such as the pool. Men are so much more visual than females in general (I know there are exceptions) and we have a grave responsibility to not cause them to stumble by what we wear. It’s hard enough for them because it’s everywhere, the grocery store magazines are enough to cause problems without even seeing what people wear today. I think it starts very young, we had some friends that even quit going to parades because their 9 yr old twin boys were fascinated by the cheerleaders and drill teams marching by in scant clothing. Yes, our children will be exposed to plenty in this world, but it’s our job as parents to protect them and train them while they are ours. Just my thoughts, thanks, Adrienne
btw – I am more concerned about this than my dh… partly because I was raised in our church and he has only been a member for a few years…. and also because he lived in Germany for several years, and modesty really isn’t much of a concern culturally there.
This is off topic, but your story made me laugh, Linda, because it reminded me of a time that were camping in BC at one of the Forest Service campgrounds there – very remote, we had the campground to ourselves – and some nice people from Switzerland drove in to stay for a few days. Within a half hour my husband said to me “DON”T go over there – they’re swimming NAKED,” and he was so very taken aback by this, it really was amusing.
I went past anyways because I had to fetch water, and that was the only way to it. I’m with you – it is not a normal thing for me at all, but I can certainly (mostly) ignore it. The funny part was that they were in bathing suits. It’s interesting what preconceived notions can do to the mind (I asked him about it afterwards and he assumed because they were from Europe they would be swimming unclothed).
Stephanie, as far as people very immodestly dressed, we do the same as Adrienne. Try to pay little attention, leave if it’s somewhere we don’t really need to be and it won’t cause upset. I do, however, have a twelve year old son, and although we have taught and continue to teach him about showing respect and guarding his eyes (look at people’s faces, not their bodies and clothes, look away entirely in certain situations), as his parents we must certainly be proactive in keeping visual temptations from constantly assaulting him. We teach these same things to our daughters – there are plenty of immodest men out there also, as you have already stated.
Gaeleen
I may throw things off a bit here, but wanted to chime in because I enjoy talking about clothing, modesty, and fashion. I have always enjoyed wearing cute, sometimes trendy clothing. I love finding a good sale, and my favorite stores are Gap, Old Navy, and Charlotte Russe. (Gasp, I know.) I don’t like looking frumpy or out of style, although comfort is VERY high on my priority list. I do prefer looser clothing for comfort as well as hiding things that tight clothes tend to reveal.
But I do not like clothes that swallow me or are obviously too big. My husband also likes for me to look cute and modern, and he always gives his input on my outfit if something is ill-chosen (which is rare, but it does happen).So, in answer to your questions from a 20-something, somewhat fun and trendy momma:
1. Sleeveless tops: Absolutely spaghetti straps are out. I’m not all that excited about the lack of muscle tone in my arms, so I prefer short sleeves. However, I don’t think sleeveless shirts are immodest, as long as the armpit doesn’t go low enough to show a bra or anything else and as long as the width of the shoulder covers from the bottom of the neck to the top of the shoulder. Does that make sense? If my arms were more toned, I would have no problems wearing sleeveless dresses or shirts.
2. Length of top: I would do a great disservice to America if I was to wear anything that showed my tummy.
But in all seriousness, I think each person knows their own comfort level. I don’t wear tops that show my tummy when I raise my arms or that show my crack when I bend over, you know? 3. Skirts or pants being too fitted: I don’t wear a lot of skirts because I genuinely am not comfortable in most of them. I do, however, wear a lot of leggings with long shirts or dresses. The leggings are fitted, but I never wear anything that would show my hiney or thighs. To me, leggings are the same thing as wearing tights, so what I put with the leggings are also things I would wear with tights. The benefit of leggings is that they don’t have feet, so you can wear flats or sandals in the spring and summer. In my opinion, if it looks like you were melted and poured into a pair of pants, they’re probably too tight.
4. Length of skirts and shorts: I personally prefer my shorts to fall right at the knee, like the Bermuda shorts someone else mentioned. Skirts would be the same thing.
5. Dealing with immodest people: On another post, I mentioned what we do with our children when we walk by Victoria’s Secret in the mall. We play a game where they hide their eyes and we lead them past. They don’t know we’re trying to protect their eyes from seeing half-naked women. They just think it’s a game! Although that’s one instance of how we deal with immodesty, that’s not practical all the time. Ds never notices immodestly dressed people, but dd does. I try to gently explain to her, without judging, that not everyone believes the same way we do about keeping their bodies covered (We actually say “keeping our present wrapped.”). As they get older, I’m sure we’ll come up with another non-judging explanation, but this makes sense to them right now.
6. We don’t avoid public pools at all. My children love to swim and having a large enough swimming pool in our backyard is out of the question. We actually have a summertime membership to a local town club, where we go nearly every afternoon in the summer. Now, we decided a long time ago that two-piece bathing suits that showed the tummy were out of the question. But, it’s not fair to my children to keep them from having a good time because other people don’t share our convictions. I find, at this age, that my kids are so busy splashing and having a fabulous time that they don’t notice others’ bathing suits. Our explanation above is what we use when the issue of immodesty comes up at the pool, and we just stick to our guns regarding our own beliefs.
I Googled “modest swimwear” last spring and found this website: http://www.limericki.com.
I ordered my swimsuit from there, and LOVED it! They are dedicated to modest swimwear. I think they are coming out with men’s and children’s swimwear this year. I’ll be ordering again this year!
Also, as to the cut of tops, I use the width of my hand as a guide. You can place your hand sideways on your collarbone, and if any skin shows below your hand, that’s a good guide for re-thinking if that shirt is too low-cut. That’s what works for me.
Great discussion!
Lindsey
I decided when I had girls that I need to dress how I want my girls to dress when they are young adults. So out went the pants (I do wear some cotton draw string around the house only) and in came the skirts/dresses. I used to hate cleaning in skirts but got so used it that I now hate pants–alway feel I’m pulling them up!
We wear skirts to our knees or below. I just like the thigh to be covered as it says in the OT. We only wear short sleeves/long sleeves, no tanks or sleeveless. Clothes with no names on them or inappropriate sayings. The only time we wear shorts (knee length) or capris (loose fitting for both) is when we go on bike rides. We’ve tried with skirts/shorts but skirt gets in the way every time!
So key is loose fitting not body hugging tight skirts which reveal curves.
I have my dds wear shorts or leggings under skirts when playing/climbing. Just love the era of leggings!
My daughters point out all the time when people are not dressed properly. We talk about how it doesn’t please the Lord that we need to cover ourselves.
We do public swim but I feel embarrassed in a suit and I wear a tank with skirt bottom. I know there are sites with FULL covering suits that muslims would wear but that may be a bit too much for our culture. And my dh wouldn’t go for that.
I bought my girls long sleeved light cotton coverups from http://www.landsend.com so will put those on between swimming at the beach. That’ll help some. And I bought a ladies coverup for me also. 😉
It is common to see young girls and even adults at our church in skirts with long slits above the knee or spaghetti straps with bras showing. @@ and our church is very conservative.
Tara
PS what do you think of this sight for swimsuits? I thought they were nice and modest without sacrificing style. You won’t show anything!http://www.modestswimwearsolutions.com/
I realized that I’ve done what I always tend to do, list the “rules” that we go by without discussing the real issue, which is the intentions of the heart. Every family can have their own standards/liberty in Christ, because the Bible isn’t clear how far the modesty is supposed to go, only that we are to be modest; however it wouldn’t be right to discuss this without discussing our motives. I think our first thought should be “Is what I’m wearing/getting ready to wear pleasing to the Lord? Then, is this pleasing to my husband? He’s the one we really should be dressing for (assuming he doesn’t want us exposing ourselves). Then, is this going to cause anyone to stumble (as much as we can forsee? (some people can stumble with seeing even a flannel shirt and baggy overalls) I also agree with Lindsey that I don’t like to feel frumpy (not the out of style part, but the boxy baggy clothes), it actually makes me feel a little depressed and bigger than I am if I’m swimming in things. Land’s End has a clothing scale with one style “not too loose, not too tight”, that’s what I prefer. I always double check with my hubby if I’m unsure about an outfit, and he always has an open invitation to correct me if something isn’t modest enough.
Also, when my children have gone swimming in the past, it’s easy to just wear a cotton t-shirt and shorts (both boys and girls), they are comfortable enough and it takes care of the problem, although some public pools don’t allow cotton for health reasons. Our family flew us to the beach a few years ago and I wore some floral men’s swim trunks and my t-shirts and felt comfortable in those as well.
Hope that all made sense via post:)
We also do not attend our public pools because of modesty issues….if it were private and you had to pay to be a member it may be more controlled but the public pool in my area is anything goes! However we are going to be taking a vacation to the beach this year and I have been worried about my 4 year old son. My daughter is 8 and we have addressed the issue that some people aren’t concerned with modesty or pleasing the Lord and she has seen this first hand. However, my son is now at an age where he is beginning to notice things.
What sort of things do you talk about when having a conversation with a younger son about what he will see?
I wanted to add that when I say we dress in loose fitting clothes, I definitely don’t mean baggy or frumpy. I believe in dressing neatly, just not in anything tight that reveals curves.
As mentioned, the intentions of the heart are the real issue. I read a nice quote once that said that your character is like the picture, and your clothes should be the frame. A picture frame compliments the picture without drawing attention to itself.
Britney, if I were you, at that age, I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. We just tell our kids that different people have different beliefs, and we can show respect to others by looking at their faces and not their bodies and clothes.
But I do not like clothes that swallow me or are obviously too big. My husband also likes for me to look cute and modern, and he always gives his input on my outfit if something is ill-chosen (which is rare, but it does happen).
But in all seriousness, I think each person knows their own comfort level. I don’t wear tops that show my tummy when I raise my arms or that show my crack when I bend over, you know? 
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