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Highschooler Who Doesn't Care
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Ladies,
I am at my wit’s end with my 9th grader (14yoBoy). He will not follow directions ( a character trait that we have been combating for YEARS), he has been on a cheating spree with school which I think we’ve addressed for the time being, he flat out doesn’t do all his work some days, and the list goes on.
In his own words? “I don’t care about school.” I just don’t know what to do. He’s never liked school, but this year is by the far the worst we’ve had. He’s a smart kid, but at the rate he is going, I don’t know where he’s going to end up. He won’t follow simple directions.
Has anyone ever had a kid like this? At this point, I’m halfway considering scrapping what we’re doing now, cutting back to the absolute most bare bones – Math, literature reading (forget the questions or writing papers that go along with it), History (I’ll find some videos he can watch on American History or soemthing), and something basic for science. He wants to be a dj and mix music when he gets older. Fine. Spend your afternoons doing something *productive* – getting a job, working on your music, doing work around the house, whatever.
The worst part is, I worked really hard this year to put something together I thought he would like. It’s well planned out, so there should never be an issue about what he’s supposed to be doing (we’ve been through that before) but he refuses to look at his schedule. I asked to get his input on classes, and he gave me next to nothing. I picked out classes I thought he would like, and he just doesn’t do them or follow directions.
Last summer, because he kept skipping school, he ended up having to work ALL SUMMER. which meant I did school work ALL SUMMER. I need a break, too.
Any suggestions?
Maybe you need to stop school work for a time and give him some manual labor to do around the house. You can explain that it’s fine if he doesn’t want to work hard at school and study so that he can be something successful someday, but he does have to be a contributing member of the family at some level. So, if school work doesn’t interest him, he can put his energy into other things like scrubbing floors, fixing fences, yardwork, or other tasks that you need done around the house.
It’s likely that he’ll miss being able to sit and do schoolwork after a few days or weeks of this. But you’ll have to make sure he’s got plenty to do to keep him busy. Don’t let TV or music or video games be a distraction for him. Remove those things so that his only options are school work, manual labor, or sitting and staring at the wall.
It also sounds like he needs your undivided attention. You mentioned he’s “skipping school”? How is that possible if you’re right there with him, making sure he’s getting his work done? I understand we all need breaks, and I’m really not trying to beat up on you, but in a situation like yours, it’s not time for a break, ya know? Unfortunately, when our children screw up, it almost always makes our lives as parents harder in some way or other.
Personally, I would try the manual labor thing for a while. Just keep him super busy and working hard. He shouldn’t be hanging out with friends, reading for pleasure, watching TV, or listening to his music right now. He hasn’t earned those privileges. He should be eating, sleeping, and working; and that’s it. He is disrespecting your authority, and you’ve got to get it under control before it gets worse.
Where is dad in all this? Is he able to talk w/ your son? Would he support doing something like this for a time until your son figures out that school work isn’t all that bad?
Blessings and prayers as you figure this out,
Lindsey
I second what Lindsey suggested. He’s at an age where he needs to own his work And the consequences of doing a poor job. All privileges would disappear at our house if we had this issue.
I’m sorry but agreeing with Lindsey also. We have one who really doesn’t understand why he has to learn XYZ sometimes but guess what he also knows the consequences of not doing his work.
I know you want and need a break but the time is not now. Can dad help when he’s home? Could a friend/grandparent/etc help with one subject if that might spark some more interest? Like history is one that grandparents are always ready to tell in detail – espeically if you have one who is open to talking about war times. Get inventive.
1st I believe you need to stop like Lindsey says – make him work hard, outside 1st if at all possible – yard work, garage major clean, deep cleaning vehicles, etc. Then when you run out the entire house is a ‘work’. If he wont, and I know at that age you can’t manually make him do something, then the option is sitting and doing nothing at all. PERIOD!
I will be praying for you. I have 5 boys (16, 15, 13, 10.5 & 8). The 1st one never really went through that stage (thank God) but the 2nd one has made up for it. As I stated though the alternitive to not doing school is worse than doing and doing well his studies. Good luck it’s not easy. Parenting is not always easy, but I will promise the other side once you have won this battle will be beautiful and there will be breaks and time for rest. HUGS
Can you find him a job somewhere? Roofing maybe? Farm work? A job that is only had by those who couldn’t bother to finish High School. If that is what he wants for life he may as well get started at it.
Also take away all TV, video games, ipods, stereos, EVERYTHING for at least 2 months AND until he either 1. does his school work to your satisfaction (not the simplified plan, either!) OR 2. responsibly goes to work every day while finishing up the bare bones school required to pass the GED test.
I would recommend checking out a book by John Rosemond. I read The Well Behaved Child which talked some about teens, and he also has a book directed at parenting teens. I don’t mean to promot any one book/person on parenting or life issues, I just remember he discussed effective solutions for situations like yours. You might find some ideas.
I am going to slightly, respectfully disagree with eawerner. The part about a job you can only get without finishing High school. Please be careful labeling. My husband I and both have colelge degrees and we have an orchard. Sometimes we get help from well-educated folks, too. Times are hard and work is work. I know well-educated roofers and construction workers. I think the idea is spot on about making your son work and wholeheartedly agree with taking away all the electronics. I watch my niece struggle with her teenage daughter on this one. This is the age of learning consequences that will do him well as a man. We aren’t there yet with our son, but I am very much paying atention to all these hints. You ladies are the best.
@Laurie, I don’t think @eawerner was trying to label or be disrespectful toward people in those types of jobs. It’s pretty common knowledge that it is difficult to get a job in mainstream America without a high school diploma or equivalent. That’s not to say that non-graduates can’t be successful; however they are the exception, not the rule. It is important for a child of the boy’s age to understand that his options for his future may be very limited if he continues in this behavior. A person who doesn’t have the self-discipline to complete school work at 14 isn’t going to wake up suddenly as a responsible 20-year-old.
As for the suggestion to get him a job outside the home, I do respectfully disagree with that. That is going to make mom’s life harder. Someone will have to take him to and from work each day, not to mention the legalities of a child of his age even being hireable. Perhaps if a family friend or church member owns a business and is willing to hire the boy as a favor to the parents and then provide rides to and from work, it might be useful. There may be other children we don’t know about, and their lives and school work shouldn’t be rearranged to accommodate their brother’s job outside the home. Or this could be a one-car family, without the means to provide transportation for their son to a job site. Anyway, lots to consider. I totally think a lot of manual labor is the best option at this point, I’m just not sure it should be outside the home or money earned from it that the child feels free to spend however he likes.
At this point, this child needs parents’ attention constantly. Working side by side with dad, working around the house with mom’s supervision, dinners at the family table, all of his electronics and toys taken away. If this boy wants to be treated like a young adult, he should act like one. If he can’t do that, he is no different than a child who needs constant supervision and instruction to do what needs to be done.
I won’t apologize if I sound harsh. This is a rough spot your family is in. I believe it can be turned around, but it’s going to take a lot of work on the parents’ side first, and then hopefully this child will start giving some effort too.
My husband used to have his own business doing HVAC work & he took in several young men that needed some perspective shall we say. Since they were all younger, they were gophers basically, but they could not sit down, ever & they were always working in the worst weather conditions and usually they carried tool bag, welding torches, freon vessels etc a pretty good ways just to haul them back again over & over & over. It certainly used their bodies more than their minds, but while driving my husband would then educate them on the skills he was using…people skills, technical trouble shooting knowledge, reading wiring diagrams and schematics, and that is just out in the field. In the office you have to know profit margins, job costs, taxes, insurance, licenses, worker’s comp, invoicing, collecting, laws and ethics. They soon realized usually within a month or so that the jobs that they thought they were already smart enough to do were way more complicated than they could imagine. My husband would have them calculating measurements etc and expect them to do mental math. He would have them tell him how much they were expecting to get paid on their paychecks and then woud give them their paycheck and discuss why they were always wrong. He would break down an invoice for them so they would see that even though he made $400 for a job, that his actual profit was $45. I have several letters from very happy Mommas about how more motivated their sons were in school after the summer they spent with him. He would often remind them, when they were covered in sweat and dying of thirst and ready to call it day, that they had just made $40 and would ask if it was worth it. School starts to look real good after such an eye opener and so I have to agree with Lindsey on this too. I believe your son could benefit immensely from a little real life perspective. Two of the young men my husband worked with for a two month summer, one guy didn’t last the summer, not only became more motivated, but swore they would go to college or die. LOL Neither ever showed any interest in college prior and both did go on to college. One is at A&M and the other UT. So don’t give up hope…..God works in mysterious ways! Best of Luck.
P.S. My husband is a self made man and has little college, a huge regret of his for sure. He now works as a chemical process operator and is progressing through his qualifications faster than those that hired in with a college degree, not to say their degrees were not well earned, but his life experience is proving to be more valuable at this point in time, so don’t worry if your son does choose to get his degree from the school of life because it can be quite rewarding as well! Just be sure he learns the big lessons now while he is young because they hurt so much more as an adult!
@Laurie, I certainly did not mean to offend anyone that works in any particular field. I only meant that generally, if you were too lazy to finish high school, you will probably be doing some relatively boring manual labor. Of course there are times when people with more motivation and skills will take a job like this also, but as you said, that usually ins’t their ideal, or end goal, and when an opportunity opens up to use their skills for better pay and less physical stress they usually take it!
Running any business, like you do, takes a great deal of skill, knowledge, and experience in many different areas. Hauling manure on a farm… not so much. If the OP could find someone like @cdm2kk’s hubby that would be great! It would help this young man get the perspective and motivation he needs right now.
@LindseyD – I agree on the supervision. I was figuring the OP would only let their young son “get a job” with a family member or friend that understood the situation and was trying to help. 🙂
I use the physical labor part for my 14-year-old boys. If they won’t do their school work, they will do chores. I also find that following up with them helps….or DAD following up. Depending on your resources you could also offer an allowance or ‘payment’ for getting his ‘job’ done (school in this case). Sort of a real world application…..if you go to work, you get paid.
We have a strict rule that ‘school’ happens until 4:30. If it’s not finished by then there are no fun activities that night because you’re finishing your work with dad and doing some chores. No video games, no movies, etc. I don’t like to assign times and suggest that learning only happens within a certain time period. But most adults go to work from this time to that time and need to finish their work during said time. Sort of like school. Most of the time they spend the evening doing other educational things, but their ‘job’ needs to be done by 4:30.
I also find that keeping them well-exercised helps a lot. They have both recently started running (with me or their dad). Their attitudes are so much better when they’ve physically worked hard. If the weather is nasty we find an alternative inside.
Every 6 months or so we spend time with them looking at earning potential in various job fields, with and without a college degree. Then we discuss how much it costs to live and how that compares to the earning potential. We include many different options so they can get an idea of the types of jobs out there and how much they could earn.
All, I know no disrespect was meant. I guess since I didn’t get my degree until I was much older, and heard all the “jobs” you could never get, it is a thing I want to be sure youngsters don’t face, because I had some dang good, high paying jobs without it. This discussion was actually a reminder for me to be careful what I say sometimes, because these kids are sponges or if I goof explain things. This motherhood thing is tough work. Let your son play mom for a week!! He’ll gladly go back to school. ha.
Laurie, I jjust laughed so hard!! Let him be MOM…..perfect! of course he would think it a piece of cake too….
I think my husband had such an impact because he wan’t a family member and yet he was preaching the same concepts as MOM and DAD only in a different way. He made it clear that college would have opened doors that are closed to him even though my husband is a highly intelligent man and quite capable person in society. He did not apply himself in highschool because he allowed his hormones to lead his heart. So I think my husband related to them on a different level than their parents.
There are all sorts of reasons for people getting stuck in careers that are manual labor and most will state that they would not repeat their choices if they had the chance to do things differently.
Megan, Why not contact several of your local companies and talk with them abou the situation that you have. Tell your son that he can take a break from school on the condition that he interview at least 2 people in different career field that do not include college degrees. Help him come up with proper questions….etc. Here are several ideas…fast food worker, feed store wharehouse person, HVAC contractor, Plumber, carpenter, roofer, general contractor, farmer, rancher, concrete layer, floor installers, auto mechanics, assembly line worker, janitor, sanitation worker, bar tender, convenience store worker, and insurance salesman.
then have him interview those jjobs which require a 2 year degree such as Radiology Technologist, Dental Hygenist, RN, and Biomedical Technician etc…
Once that is done…. have him interview a doctor, lawyer, engineer, and professor.
Let him figure out where his choice are going to take him….this is the ultimate way to homeschool right? Learning to teach yourself……that is college!
Another option might be starting him in a martial arts class, like Tae Kwon Do. If you find the right instructor they will focus on the character issues, and use the martial arts skills as a tool to develop the right attitudes and habits. The physical exercise is helpful, and it can provide a constructive channel for all those hormones and energies young men can seem to have in over abundance. Another plus is that there is often a postive peer group who will help encourage him in the right direction.
Guiding young men can be a very difficult task. 14 was the most difficult age for both my older sons but somehow they got through it and I survived too. 😉
I agree w/ the martial arts suggestion. Our son was in Tae Kwon Do for almost 2 years before we moved to our new location, and I miss it for him terribly. He advanced to a green belt in 18 months. I love TKD as a sport because there is no one to compete against except yourself (unless you do matches, which we did not). And the classes are set up so that the younger/less experienced students have to watch and follow the older/more experienced students. Our son was looking up to these more advanced students–some of which were younger than he was. He WANTED to improve and advance, so he practiced at home without being told, he asked to go to extra classes, and we even invited the master of the school over for dinner before a big belt test so he could help our son with a few moves he was having difficulty with. The self-discipline, respect, and responsibility TKD teaches and encourages would be invaluable to your son. I would love to find a comparable school in our current town, but I haven’t had any luck yet.
Great suggestion!
Another option might be starting him in a martial arts class, like Tae Kwon Do. If you find the right instructor they will focus on the character issues, and use the martial arts skills as a tool to develop the right attitudes and habits. The physical exercise is helpful, and it can provide a constructive channel for all those hormones and energies young men can seem to have in over abundance. Another plus is that there is often a postive peer group who will help encourage him in the right direction.
This is a great suggestion if it is something your DS would be interested in. I’m not in your shoes yet – my oldest is only 13 – but my DS’ TKD instructor requires good character, habits, and grades of his students. There was one occasion that DH and I called on him to help us with DS’ attitude, and he talked with DS (with us there) in a compassionate but firm, no-nonsense way. We are thankful for his influence in our kids’ lives.
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