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Fitting In
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I haven’t read the other responses so pardon me if this is redundant. I wanted to share my sisters situation with you. They have moved a lot. And they’ve been the only homeschoolers at church and in their area when they first arrive. But, when they leave, there are always homeschoolers left behind. Because of the witness of her family on the people around her, the people have come to see the benefits of homeschooling and she has been able to encourage them when they say, “I can’t homeschool because…”. We are called to be the light of the world, even as homeschoolers.
Hello!
I just wanted to encourage you to hold on to your convictions and the walk the Lord has called you to. I believe when we strive to draw closer to our Lord it will make us different. Jesus said we would be a peculiar people. The beautiful thing is when we line up with Him we will see that we find favor with Him and with our fellow man. We won’t ever find the perfect group that thinks identically like we do but the common thread of loving our Lord can bind us together. Folks at my church are all different even in the sense that we all are from different denominational backgrounds, yet God has called us into this one functioning body. I have days I feel all alone because I have differing convictions and a different lifestyle, but remember sweet communion with your Heavenly Father will keep you fulfilled. Then when “your cup runs over” let it flow out to those around you. The bond and unity that comes can only come from God. People will be drawn to you because of your gentleness and love you receive from Messiah Jesus. So don’t worry about “fitting in” as much as being Messiah’s hands extended to the community where you are. You’ll be surprised at how important a friend to them you really are. In Messiah’s Love, MelanieC.
Thanks for the encouragement ladies! I know that men don’t always mention things they’re appreciative of and I’ll try to keep that in mind.
In response to the questions from ‘art’–no, he really doesn’t seem more relaxed, at ease and happy–he seems opposite, which is what perplexes me the most. When I ask him about it he says ‘Everything’s fine’, but in my heart I don’t think he really means it.
Good point, pollysoup…I’m sure Jesus’ disciples didn’t feel like they fit in either. It sure makes the journey easier though when you have support of some kind.
Beautiful post, MelanieC.
I’ve felt the same way!! What has helped me the most in the past year is the advice already given in some earlier posts. Once I got involved in a youth service club, and some classes for me I met others that had interests similar to mine, even if they didn’t homeschool and I found friends that wanted to serve others. I even met more homeschooling families. I won’t type too long here since others have already said it, but hang in there. A true friend will come along.
I have a similar problem. None of my friends at church homeschool; I know a few homeschoolers in the area but they all use Abeka. I’ve often felt “left out” but have found a few thoughts that help. One is that if you do this homeschooling thing well, you’ll soon find that your kids are pretty interesting people in their own right and I have felt less need for outside interaction (although we all need some, I do feel less “needy” now that the kids are getting older. We have such interesting conversations!) Another thing is that we, AND our kids, are all being called to stand against the cultural tide right now. That isn’t easy for us, and it’s not easy for them, either. If my kids can handle it, I can too. It gives us something in common, and it gives them a pattern for their lives when they see us turn to our family members and most importantly to the Lord when feeling lonely or misunderstood or left out. Sometimes we rely less on the Lord than we could when all is going well, we have lots of friends, and we feel fulfilled. It’s in those moments of loneliness that we really come to know Him and how He can fill us. If you are feeling a need–it is more likely God-shaped. Once we truly learn to be content in turning to Him, then everything else suddenly is like frosting. Now I am not advising that we all turn hermit or anything. 🙂 Far from it. Just that we turn around our perceptions of where we get fulfillment from–instead of getting God’s love mostly through the fellowship of our friends, which can leave us feeling frustrated if we don’t get “enough”, if we instead receive God’s love mostly directly from Him, and then we can head out to SHARE it with our friends–somehow even the same amount of interaction as before just feels different.
Michelle D
Well said Michelle – I find my teens fascinating people and we are loving being together – I think it was harder when they were younger – but I think it is also a good skill to learn to like ones own company and become self reliant – the girls are now very good at entertaining themselves but when they do have a chance to socialise they have no problems at all. The girls sometimes look at the outside world and often say, they are content not to walk with the crowd. Of course we need some outlets and friends, but should always be able to rely on ourselves and our own company.
Michelle, you also put things over in such a wise and wonderful way – I think we are blessed to have you on this forum.
Linda
mj,
I was wondering how long you’ve been homeschooling. It took my husband YEARS to be completely comfortable with it. He always supported it, but it’s a lot different now. We’ve been homeschooling 12 years, and I love the way he’s totally involved now-especially the last couple years. Actually it has been since we started to implement CM methods. But it was not always that way. Maybe your husband is just not sure about it yet if you haven’t been doing it that many years.
art, we’ve been hs’ing 6 years (the CM way-for 2 yrs or so). YEARS, huh? I guess the Lord wants me to learn patience…
…needless to say, patience is not my forte. Thanks for sharing. Michelle, well put. We moved 18 months ago from wonderful friends, a great church and awesome homeschooling networks. And you’re right about getting God’s love mostly through those outlets and now feeling “needy” as we don’t have those networks and friends. It’s funny how I used to say (before we moved)that I felt like I needed to get away from the busy-ness of our lives to detox from the world so I could focus on the CM way and God gives me that and I start whining…good grief, how does He put up with me?!
So, I am late coming in on this discussion, but here are my two cents….
You talked about your church friends……well, you have Jesus in common! I ask my friends things like “What has Jesus been teaching you lately?” or “what scripture has been speaking to you lately?” “How can I pray for you and your family?” It sounds deeper, but it leads to all kinds of topics, deep and not so deep! People can be learning or praying about anything from clothes for their kids to a broken marriage.
That being said…..I have spent a lot of time praying for one or two close friends since starting to homeschool. I lost some of my close friends when I chose to homeschool. God told me to pray about it! So, I did and he has brought one great homeschooling friend into my life. I just need one person to understand and I will be fine! God cares about all of our needs, even friends! Pray that he will bring someone into your life.
Jennifer
Hello All,
I’m going to get a little “brave” in hopes that I get to start “fresh.”
I’ve been homeschooling for 12 years. My oldest still at home is 17 years old.
I’ve six children still at home from age 17 down to 5 and a half yrs old. My children “fit” a “special needs area of academics from approx PreK thru 7th grade”
I wish we could have “fit” in the church we had been going to for the past couple of years. That went down the drain last November.
Here is what happened the day we walked away :
Pastor/Youth Pastor and Youth Pastor’s wife/ and one Sunday School teacher pulled me aside for a meeting (my husband was deployed at the time)
I was told “Test your children and bring the results in or we will call social services on you for educational neglect if you do not do this within 30 days.”
I asked “Can this wait until my husband comes home in January?”
The answer was “No.”
In December I had a “visit” from the Pastor and a different Sunday School Teacher ( not currently teaching/ occupation of police officer ) at my door.
They said “We come to offer you aid/assistance if you want it.”
I said “No, leave my property.”
Thankfully. I have had no more interference from them.
( I am in full compliance with my homeschool association and state laws.)
We are now praying for doors to open to move. ( Hopefully, we will find a new home where we can also find a church more open to our special needs/blended marriage/military family will “fit.”
I’ve seen Charlotte Mason and Ambleside for many years and loosely “fit” some of it into our lifestyle. Now I would like to bring more of it in.
I will get the prviledge of going to my first ever homeschooling seminar and it is a Charlotte Mason Sem. in April! I am so looking forward to meeting like minded people in person! For the past 12 years; my only “homeschooling/Christian fellowship” has been limited to the internet. It has been a long journey filled with much prayer and some frustration with “public” intrusions.
May the peace of Jesus join us all as we pray for each other in our journey.
MeadowLark
I am so very sorry for your troubles MeadowLark – wow that is hard and with your husband deployed as well. I will keep you in my prayers and hope there will be no further intrusions into your homeschooling. Are you a member of HSLDA – if not maybe you should consider it, they offer protections against things like this and there is a discount if you are military.
Where are you located by the way, maybe someone out there is nearby and can offer support?
God bless – Linda
Good grief MeadowLark! I will be praying for you and your family. I would second the recommendation of HSDLA!
MJ-I don’t know your family situation personally of course, but something came to mind. My husband is very supportive of our homeschooling situation, but he feels pulled and insecure sometimes in his work environment. Those he works with have an influence on him and how he thinks, and it is hard for him sometimes to be different. We homeschool, are vegetarian, and have many different ways of thinking than those he associates with everyday.
My point is that he will come home in a grumpy mood sometimes or be irritable b/c of work or the feeling of being pulled between his work life and his family life. Does that make sense? Maybe your honey’s moods have nothing to do with you persay?
I also have a man that for years I have tried to “make” happy. Of course, he is my best friend and I am his help-mate. I really want to be that Proverbs 31 woman! But, it isn’t my job to keep him happy. I was killing myself trying to make sure he was satisfied with life, and wondering what I could do to cheer him and make him happier. Well, God sent me a LOUD message one day and that was a breath of fresh air for me.
I walked up to my man, and I told him; Honey, God showed me something today. It is not my job to make you happy! I will love you and do my best to be a good wife and mother; but your true happiness can only be found in HIM! So, I am relieving myself of that job, and I give your happiness over to God completely as of today!”
He actually laughed and looked at me smuggly:)
I don’t know if any of this helped, but I felt like I should share it.
Be praying for you. In Christ, Bridget
Wow! I cannot tell you how helpful reading the replies to this post have been. I have been struggling with the same issues for a couple of weeks now.
Michelle D, your comment was such an encouragement!
I have only been homeschooling for 2 years but I feel like I have had this problem even before we began homeschooling. I figure we will always be the “different” ones based on our convictions and choices on how to raise our kids. I keep trying to remember that Jesus said we would be persecuted for His name’s sake. It does get hard when no one else in your church family homeschools. You feel like even though you enjoy being there and the worship is great, you don’t have anything else in common. I also feel like I am becoming more of an outcast because of the my convictions. My 7 year old daughter is starting to struggle with this too. She says she has no friends at church. She says she doesn’t like what the other kids like. She feels as though she has nothing in common with any of our church friends’ kids. We don’t “follow the crowd” on most things and my kids have completely different interests than most kids her age. This doesn’t bother except at church. I have recently joined a support group that meets and has playdates and field trips. I am hoping this will help her to form friendships with kids that have some of the same interests as her. Hopefully, I can find some other homeschooling moms to have great conversation with too. In the mean time, PRAISE THE LORD for online chat groups, yahoo groups, and blogs!
About husbands, I think I have sensed the same thing from my husband when the kids and I have formed such a tight bond and have got things so under control that it seems like he’s not needed or doesn’t fit in to his own family. I was given wise counsel and started to gently ask him for opinions, encourage him to start a read aloud book at night with the kids (pick one that he would enjoy–not that would preach at him), and started serving him more.
There are still times where my husband would tell me to stop talking about homeschooling, though he is a huge proponent of homeschooling–I think he just wanted his wife back after “school hours”.
I also went through a time where my husband had a hidden sin going on and I could sense the distance. The Lord had me get up daily at 5:30am just to pray for our marriage for 6 months before I figured out the problem and we worked through it.
Not that I agree with everything they preach or say, but the book, Created To Be His Helpmeet always blesses our marriage each time I read it.
About friends, for years I was the only CMer I knew. I prayed and prayed for fellowship. After 8 years a veteran CMer who graduated her children was transferred for a year to my town and she started a CM moms group. I cried for joy every monthly session. I do enjoy these forums. And I am finally this year in a church with more similar people, but still I can’t say that I have a kindred spirit or a close CM homeschoolers (they mostly use Abeka and Classical ed). These are seasons. Now I don’t feel so needy for like minded fellowship, I try to enjoy whatever fellowship I can get, but I must say that the ladies at my church are not so TV dependent as yours sound. Have you tried joining a community Bible study like BSF or something? At least you can talk about the lessons? How about inviting some moms to your home and do a Bible study together or searching for a homeschool group even if you have to drive far. At least you can make some friends. I am very familiar with the loneliness and pray the Lord uses it to draw you even closer to Him.
…needless to say, patience is not my forte. Thanks for sharing. 
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