enforcing chores

I feel the same way sometimes.  My biggest issue isn’t that my children will not do there chores as they usually will go off to do them it’s how it’s done.  Like washing table and counters for my 12 yr old is a night mare.  I have to remind him 3-4 times a meal that it’s not done right.

I would love suggestions for that one to.  Willing to do but just doesn’t care how.  Thanks

Chores have finally become a success in my home after we started using chore packs over a year ago.  The kids know exactly what they are to do because they are wearing the chore cards, and we have two specified chore times each day – after breakfast and after dinner – when we all are busy working together.  I also had to be consistent in checking their chores right after chore time to make sure it was not only being done, but being done right. 

After more than a year now I check the chores only occasionally, to make sure they are still on track.  It’s become such a habit now that chores are no longer a hated burden, most of the time they are done within 20 minutes.  I rotate the chores every 4 months and they are always excited about finally getting to do something new and different.

Yeah, see I also typically do the “no breakfast until dishes are done” if he puts them off the night before. I swear, this kid will drag it out as long as he possibly can or argue his way out of it and then everybody else suffers from it.

Personally, I would not let him go to bed without the dinner dishes being done.  I don’t think that the threat of having to finally do them the next morning before breakfast is really going to motivate him to do them the night before.  It’s not enough of an immediate consequence. 

My biggest issue isn’t that my children will not do there chores as they usually will go off to do them it’s how it’s done.  Like washing table and counters for my 12 yr old is a night mare.  I have to remind him 3-4 times a meal that it’s not done right.

I would love suggestions for that one to.  Willing to do but just doesn’t care how.  Thanks

I have one child in particular that tries to get away with quick, shoddy work.  When we do new chores I know it will take a couple of weeks for me to train how I want them done, and then I must check them occasionally to make sure they are being done.  I have them redo a chore that was not done properly.  Once they know they won’t get away with it and are actually causing more work for themself by doing it half-hearted in the first place the start paying more attention and doing it right. 

Oh, chores & habits….in our family this is one area we’ve REALLY had to work on.  I’ve found that when I’ve given my boys too large of a chore, they usually have a meltdown.  Even if it doesn’t seem to be that big of a deal to me.  I forget that these chores are new to them and seem overwhelming.  But, if I can break the chore up into manageable pieces, they seem to cooperate much better.  For example, in the beginning when I assigned dishes to them, they would completely lose it, so I gave each boy a portion of the dishes that was their responsibility, and I also took a portion that was my responsibility. After each meal they know what to load into the dishwasher and what to put up.  What a difference this has made!  Everyone has become very quick and efficient with their portion and NO complaints.  Because I gradually gave them responsibilities and they became habits, they now can load and unload the dishwasher – even taking on someone else’s area of responsibility when needed, and it doesn’t overwhelm them.  I now am trying to add this philosophy to other chores and responsibilities…..sigh…..I do wish habits could be done all at once!

Could this be what is going on with your son?  Could you break the chore down into smaller pieces, with the expectation of perfect execution and obedience?  It could turn your son’s heart to your’s, if he sees you helping him with this, maybe giving him the desire to take initiative.  I feel your angst in this trying area of motherhood.  Every child is different and every stage is different, so finding the right balance is challenging, but you know your son best. You’ll find what’s best for your family.

Managers of thier Chores has the chore packs and help for enforcing chores.  You mentioned he had no problem lying on the bed without showering or changing.  You could just say something like “You cannot lie on the bed dirty.”  If he refuses to take a shower tell him he can’t sit or lie down until he is clean.  He will just have to stand there until he takes a shower.  In this way it is just uncomfortable for him and on his own he will chose to shower just so he can sit down.  Out lasting is more about making them choose for themselves that to do the chore will be less bothersome than the consiquence.  You just have to enforce the consiquence.  And make sure he knows what is expected and the consiquences before you start so he knows and it is his choice.  Then he can only blame himself for any unpleseantness. 

Sometimes we forget to take the time to teach the children what we expect from them.  Take the time to show him what you expect and be with him the first couple of times so you can monitor how he is doing.  With my son just being in the same room with him helps him do his chores.  Once his is good and comfident you can start leaving to do other things.  HTH

Washing dishes alone is never fun, so I will agree that sharing this chore will probably go a long way in improving his attitude.  if he feels his little sister (and everyone else) is going off and enjoying themselves and he is stuck slaving away in the kitchen then naturally he will rebel.  You could also use this time as one-on-one time.  Talk to him about things he’s interested in.  He’ll love the undivided attention.  When you’re finished, thank him for helping you out and for spending the time with you.  You might find he looks forward to doing it.  As for the refusing to shower — I’m still working on that one.  My son loves to be read to at night, so I will refuse to read to him unless he is showered before bed.

I would like to chime in with some of the other posters.  i would bet that it is a combination of two things: 1) he’s gotten away with not HAVING to do it right away, all the way, with a joyful heart.  2) He’s probably totally overwhelmed.  i often feel overwhelmed by the dishes myself!  I realized for me, often having my kids do chores was almost a selfish thing; i didn’t want to do that job either.  Then attended a lecture by Susan Kemmerer at the CHAP convention.  it was titled, “Servanthood 101: Teaching Kids to Serve.”  And it was basically a lecture about OUR spirits, OUR attitudes of service.  All I could think was, UGH.  SHe was so real.  She has this lecture as a chapter in her AMAZING book called: Homeschool SuperMOM…NOT!  I highly recommed it.  But what I gleaned from it was this:  Jesus never sent his disciples out without training or doing the job right BY THEIR SIDES.  Application:  can you share the job with him, help him so to speak, training him gently?  Perhaps even breaking the job into steps, post it on a piece of card stock at the job site, so he can see the “pieces” of the job, would help?  Maybe it could be a bit of special time together?  

As for his attitude and obedience, I really really understand this one – finding appropriate consequences is so hard.  I struggle with the same thing with my 9 yo son.  Perhaps some of Raising Godly Tomatoes would help?  Keeping him “staked” might allow you a closer insight into times when his attitude descends into the depths?  Perhaps, if you’re a believer, you could discuss Scripture with him, showing him how this points to his need for a savior?  Some kids respond really well to a timer with with an incentive at the end?  I’ve also seen other parents have great success with training first time obedience with a game.  The parent sits with a bag of M & M’s or skitttles or the like.  THey give wacky and silly directions, increasing the complexity over time.  Each time the direction is followed, they get one or two candies.  It’s a fun thing, but habits are being built.  Then move to noticing when a child might be doing something else, and then calling them or giving a direction, and if they obey, they get an unexpected reward of candy or whatever.   

Perhaps another thing is leveling with your son. Explaining how hard it is when everyone doesn’t work as a team.  Explain that not all job are easy or fun.  But, we need to do them anyway.  Explain that you don’t wear his clothes, but you love him, so you wash them anyway, etc…and then tell him you understand that it’s hard, so you want to give him incentive to get it done – so maybe he earns a  pebble for doing each job done promptly, obediently.  Perhaps another pebble could be earned for doing the job until it’s done.  When he earns “X” number of pebbles, he and you or the whole family get to do something special together, to celebrate teamwork?

Also, I would look for other chores that are managable for your 4yo dd.  Dusting is manageable, folding washcloths and dishtowels, feeding a pet, scooping up toys to put back into a bin, etc.  It will make it feel more like a team for your son.  I know my kids feel so much better when they see a list and I am listed on it too, so they know we all have a part to play, you know?  

Hope this helps,

Amy