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Constant mess and lack of responsability
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This message is for Misty – please don’t reply to my message to her or assume that what I’m addressing with her is a problem – I would PM, but know she’s not able to receive PMs without her DH also getting them.
Misty, I’m so sorry to hear that things are not going well for you. I can’t help but ask, Have you and DH resolved the birth control differences? You don’t have to answer, but just consider that until you’re able to meet his most basic need without him fearing that you’ll get pregnant you likely will not have peace in your home – even if your children are perfectly behaved and even if the house is immaculately clean. We can offer tons of suggestions on childrearing, but without oneness in marriage the strife will continue. I can tell that you’re frustrated with the lack of support that your DH is offering and certainly I don’t consider this to be your fault or his fault, but I would continue to urge you to do what you can, regardless of what you see him do, to meet his needs. I have found that a fulfilled husband is able to overlook a myriad of messes and discipline problems and is even eager to help when consistantly fulfilled. I know that some would disagree with the direct nature of Created to be His Helpmeet by Debbie Pearl, but I have reaped deep rewards from her teaching and I think that most women who are not married to cruel, abusive husbands would find the same to be true.
Many prayers for peace and oneness in your home,
Rebekah
I just want to say thank you to each of you wonderful and caring women. You know my dh wants the same thing for our children. But it’s confusing for me becauce I feel like he wants me to get it all done for him before he comes home. I don’t want to say what I can’t know in his heart but he is in “my” opinion at a cross roads with God. He feels like God is not on his side right now (has felt like this since long before the birth issues mentioned next). His job is very stressfull and not like it use to be. They are treating him unfair and paying him less. But being self-employeed and a trade job he has no where to turn until the economy turns. Also, he finally after months sat with me and I’m not sure how much he thought it cost to run our family but it oviously was way less than what it does. Cause he now sitx with me and hears me rattle off what we pay and is floored. More stress (and I am a cheap, make it myself, buy used kind of girl all the way). I mention depression to him and is just angry for even saying that about him. It’s just stress and hard being a father I am told. Which I TOTALLY AGREE! I don’t want his job for nohting, being a father that is. All that to say we do want the same things. We have in the last month worked on a chore chart together, a consequence chart together. But it’s the consistant thing. It’s the both of us on the same day thing, you know I’m good one day and he’s good the next. Sorry for the long explaination. Just letting you know he is on board. When the economy went in the tank so did my dh’s attitude on life and family. Which I hear from many of my friends is true for there dh’s also.
I will say to Rebekah – I know that until and no it’s not, the birth control/pregnancy issue is resolved nothing will be 100%. I am waiting to talk with my priest this week to discuss this with him. My dh confusses me on this issue cause he 100% trusts NFP and has shown it for months now. But he has so much of a want inbetween that it’s unbarable for him on the fertile times. I will not say much more but I know 100% what you are saying and understand.
Thanks again everyone. Misty
Misty,
Regarding NFP, my DH and I struggled with the fertile time for the first several years of our marriage. DH found this article years ago –
http://learn-nfp.org/files/When_NFP_is_too_hard.doc
Now that we are a few years away from that difficulty, I am amazed daily at the wisdom and truth in the teaching on contraception. NFP has helped us grow in so many ways, and our marriage is strong despite the chaos of homeschooling four kids. (Not to say that my house is clean, but you get the idea). LOL.
Prayers for you on this journey.
Jawgee- this is a wonderful article. But how to present it to dh?
Might I be so bold to ask how long you used NFP? How did you tame that wild beast on those long 2 week fertile times? And you say a few years away from that difficulty I am only assuming you mean menapause? If that the case I might so boldly again say how did you handle the really long periods while going through the pre-meno times? Please don’t feel you have to answer I only know a few who have done it and these cases the dh is totally on board. Not like mine who trusts but feels as the artical says “It just doesn’t work for ‘him'”.
I can relate on many levels. We have 6 children ranging from 13 down to just-turned 2.
DH can take care of them all and does on occasion, but he can’t stand the piles and messes (and they drive me crazy too but I feel like I can’t deal with it so I just ignore it). I want to downsize! I feel like we have too much STUFF and we have had multiple garage sales and haul stuff out by garbage bags full on a regular basis … and yet it still comes back.
Aside from that, since we brought our youngest home from China a couple of months ago, there is just a distance. I know it will pass and we are just surviving some days, but life is just exhausting most days right now and i”m TIRED.
A couple of things I do that are so FREEING:
1. If I find something on the floor that was yesterday’s “treasure” (think junk from a grab bag that our speech therapist brings) or … gasp … a picture they drew … OK, not one they spent a long time on … just more doodling … you know what?
I THROW IT AWAY.
And it feels great. And not once have they missed it. After all, how important was it if they left it on the FLOOR.2. Our three oldest boys are responsible for their laundry now in its entirety. They are 13, 12 and 9 (almost 10). And you know, more than once, they have needed a clothing item (taekwondo, church shirt, etc.) and it is DIRTY. Instead of being foul with me, they realize it was their responsibility and they have definitely gotten a taste of responsibility with doing their own laundry. My oldest actually enjoys it now and so does our 12YO and they do it mostly all the time with joy in their hearts (and this helps this Momma a whole lot!). Now my 9YO still waits until all of his underwear are dirty, until he has no shirts left … but he does get it done eventually … though still much training going on with him on the laundry.
3. CHORES. Every day. Period. Some days they aren’t done when Daddy gets home … and they have to answer to him. And more often then not, instead of getting to do what they were supposed to in the first place (which should take them no more than 30 minutes usually) Daddy will assign all of that to be finished and MORE.
And we do pay them an allowance, but they DON’T get extra for doing the extra. This has been very effective.
4. I PRAY for God to change my own attitude b/c lately I just don’t feel like I am exhibiting this command: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men” (Col. 3:23)
Hang in there and no that even if you don’t see fruit from your labor, it is not in vain. Big hugs.
Hi Misty,
We’ve been using NFP since we were married 12 years ago. My fertile time is about 10 days (I’m not in menopause yet. We’re actually praying about whether it is time to add another child to our family).
We used NFP from the beginning of our marriage because our priest made it clear that he would not marry us if we chose to use artificial birth control. In the beginning, we used NFP strictly out of obedience. We were challenged in ways that we didn’t expect to be. It was very difficult at times.
My DH found it very difficult to abstain during the fertile times, and he eventually came across that article. Without getting into some things that are really personal, this part of the article really spoke to us.
“All of us are fallen. All of us struggle with the desire to use another for our own selfish ends. For some, that struggle against selfishness is stronger than for others — but it is in all of us, and overcoming it is hard and sometimes painful. The spiritual beauty of NFP is that it highlights that struggle and challenges us to overcome our tendencies toward selfishness in ways we might not otherwise be challenged.
When someone says that NFP ‘doesn’t work’ for them because they get too sexually frustrated, I have to respond that, in fact, NFP was made for them. Why? Because any sexual urge that — if unsatisfied — threatens to blot out all the other good things about the marriage is a disordered urge that will either destroy the person, the couple, or both. Such an urge must be tamed.”
Once we began to work on that issue, I can tell you that our marriage grew in many, many ways. As our marriage grew and as we saw some of our closest friends divorcing, we came to recognize the ultimate GIFT that NFP was. Couples who use NFP have a divorce rate of 2%. That really says something!
(Oh, and are you a member of ccli.org? Their magazine, Family Foundations, is a treasure!!!)
Continued prayers. It is a very difficult thing, but SUCH an opportunity for your marriage to grow and to also grow in virtue.
And it feels great. And not once have they missed it. After all, how important was it if they left it on the FLOOR.- The topic ‘Constant mess and lack of responsability’ is closed to new replies.