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Constant mess and lack of responsability
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Ok the title says it all. I am at my whits ends my dh is looking at me with the devil in his eyes lately.
I need to start training from scratch. I have lost it with them all. Let me say we have 7 (13 to 18mo).
They are leaving constant messes. The intent is most the time right on. Making cookies, playing with the younger siblings, but when it’s done.. they are too. They don’t wipe the counters, they don’t pick up the toys. They take my dh’s tools and leave them all over. We can’t find things because they NEVER put them back where they belong. This just can not continue there are 9 of us. If we all just do that say simply 3 times a day that’s 27 things just not finished or worse lost. (and that’s a low number)
I don’t even know where to start. Tomato staking sounds great, but to be honest that is very hard for me to do. Why.. cause I have such a huge age range.
I am thinking I have to have a schedule of exactly what they can do and when? Does this sound crazy? if it says from x to y you do this. from y to z you clean up from d to e you get to .. You get the idea? I mean I can’t run around chasing everyone all day.
This sounds like such a ramble but that’s how I feel. My dh doesn’t even want to come home most nights cause they are so loud, always yelling, bickering, fighting. They sure look good on the outside and when friends are over, or we have something they want to do . But after that it feels like they are all saying “to hexx with them” sorry for the xx’s but that’s how I fell.
I am at the point where I wish somedays by noon that I could get a job! That’s not in my heart but it is what I hear teh devil whispering in my ears. My dh can’t even stay home alone with them. We tried about a week ago and I got 1/2 my list done (grocerys, library, etc)( and he called me and said you need to come home now and get these kids I can’t take them anymore. Well guess how that made them feel. I tried to tell them how stressfull dad’s day was at work, and such but at 13yr they don’t buy that.
Any suggestions, advice or just .. hey I’m with you, would be nice. Sorry to vent, just lost today. Couldn’t find the chicken coop rake and no one seems to know where it went? Imagine that…
Oh Misty, I hear you. I really do. We’ve got 7 too (ages 10 down to 3 months). There are no easy solutions of course, but what worked for us was chorepacks (from Managers of Their Chores). The other thing we’ve done that helps with leaving things out sometimes is to confiscate anything we come across out of place. Do you do allowance? We don’t but I’ve always thought that if we did and a child needed me to clean up their mess for them I would charge them (probably most effective with older children).
I’ve got to run, but if you want more info let me know and I’ll track down my old posts about chorepacks. (Or you can go to my blog and use the search feature http://www.ourbusyhomeschool.blogspot.com )
Do these chore packs help them finish? Cause they are great at starting, doing but not finishing? Your words sounded so soft to me and kind. Thanks
Hi Misty. We have nine from 14 to 3 months – it is very challenging sometimes! This particular moment is one of them so I’m going to go and deal with that. I just wanted to reassure you that you are NOT alone. We confiscate things that are not looked after, like Tristan suggested. It does work around here, for the most part, and if they don’t miss whatever has been confiscated, I figure they likely don’t need it back 😀
Must go – baby crying.
Gaeleen
Oh Misty,
I know how you feel. Somedays I just want to run away. 🙂 So much to do. So little time. I agree with Tristan. The chorepacks from the Maxwells were a good idea. I just decided it would be easier to do it with a workbox twist. So, I have to laminate mine. I was going to do it yesterday but as you know sometimes it comes last when you have something to do. I have so much to do that it sometimes seems overwhelming. I felt better when I visited my neighbor and she was having the same problem. Well, at least misery loves company eh? I let her borrow my books because I know how overwhelmed I am and maybe something in there will help her… If you pick anything out of it and run with it you will be one step ahead of the game. You have nothing to loose really, even if you just read the book and take on thing away from it. If you just get it from the Library you don’t even have to pay to read it. 🙂
I came across a zone cleaning site that made me think. Boy, I can do this. I set the kids to work. I stayed in the kitchen. I assigned my oldest boy (10) to vac. the diningroom. Before that they had to do the table. boy(8) clears, Boy(10) wipes it down, daughter(5) dries it. Then, she picks up under the table. She puts away anything in the diningroom out of place and goes to the fore’ to put coats and shoes away and clear the path for her brother to vac. Oldest son works at vac. the diningroom and then follows her into the entryway. She then puts back anything that needs to get put back. Middle son (8) after clearing the table heads to the bathroom and picks up the bathroom and cleans the sink. Everyother week he is in charge of the toilet. He switches off with his brother cleaning it. He swishes it on his week off. Cleans and mops floor around it on his weeks on. Then he heads into the livingroom to pick that up. My daughter picks up stuff on the kitchen floor for my son to vac. there. While I do the dishes and load the dishwasher. Daughter then heads into the livingroom and dusts if her brother is done picking it up. If not she sweeps the stairs with the broom so her brother (10) can vac. when he gets to the kitchen. Son (8) is a little slower in the livingroom and sometimes gets distracted so I check on him and make sure no one else is the livingroom when he is picking up. Otherwise they are playing. 🙂 Seperate the instigater or should I say isolate! 🙂
Once a month when my son is done with the vac, My dd loves to do the furniture. So I let her. Now, this is just an idea of how you can get them all doing something and the first time you do it keep assigning things as you see fit. Keep a mental note or right it down what jobs you gave to whom. Then tweek it if you see there is a problem. The first time you may just need to be around to show where and how to do the job. This is very effective. Oh, and if my daughter or anyone else is standing around. I always have something that needs to go upstairs to a room to be put away. I did like when I had my little washtub basket at the bottom of the steps to put the kids toys in to go upstairs. This was a great idea until someone took my basket….. Ok, so not everything always works out! But, then you can tell them about rabbit trails and how they get you distracted when they are distracted and take things that go in certain places.
I usually do this on Monday and Thursday morning. I am noticing though that I may need to add an extra day because they are getting a little sloppy in putting things away lately….. 🙂
I hope this helps even a little. If not just know that I completely understand. 🙂 IF you want me to write out specific jobs in chore format just let me know. That might have been a little difficult to understand how I wrote it. I just wanted to let you see how it all worked together. 🙂
Blessings!
HUGS
I was a bear yesterday because I’ve been feeling the same way. I have four – ages 2 to 10. Whew. Sometimes I feel like all they do is whine at me and make messes.
Another homeschool mom I saw today said she’s been feeling the same way lately.
Ugh.
I recommend this little gem of a book to every mom. It has short chapters and gives some great practical advice. Trust me, it’s worth more than the $10 price!
http://www.canonpress.org/store/pc/viewPrd.asp?idproduct=431&idcategory=0
ok I have tried to post 2 times now and it keeps kicking me off…
no more thanks and sweet talk
1. I will take and not nag with toys
2. I like the we work together on chores in 1 room at a time as a family (this would be new)
3. Assign a room or 2 a day with Fridays being a clean sweep for the weekend.
Now how do you tackle the bickering, yelling when they are sitting right next to eachother and not following simple directions? I would go into more detail but the last 2 times I treid I lost my post… so I’m posting :0)
Hi Misty, A couple of things stood out to me in your post. One is that your husband called you to come get the kids. To me this sounds like maybe he is not pulling his share of the load. If I am completely wrong about that, please feel free to disregard what I say. I know that if my husband were here, he would tell your husband, “You’re not allowed to pass this off. Those are your children, and you are just as responsible for the way things are at your home.” Can you talk to your husband and see if you can get him on board? Things will be very difficult to change unless you are both working together as a team.
The other thing is that it sounds like your kids have been allowed to build up bad habits. This will not change overnight. You can’t do everything at once, but what you can do is start building new habits. Work on one thing per week. For instance, “this week, we’re going to straighten the living area every single day at 5:00” or whenever Daddy is about to get home. After a week of that, maybe you work on, “this week, we’re all going to spend 10 minutes at 12:00 cleaning the kitchen and dining area.” I’m sure you get the idea.
We have set chores every single day except Saturday at our house. It took me two years to get built up to where it is all routine for us. Even the 3 year old has done chores for the last year. So, just as an example, here’s what it looks like at our house. After breakfast, 11 yog knows she has to empty dishwasher, load breakfast dishes, and wipe the table… 10 yob spot cleans both bathrooms, counters, floors, and toilets… 7 yog cleans living room… 5 yog empties bathroom trash and picks up anything in the hallway… 3 yob looks for trash around the dining table and on the kitchen floor. Right before lunch, they all have another set of chores. After lunch there is another set. Before and after dinner, there are more sets. Now it sounds like they’re doing a lot, but each chore time only takes about 5-10 minutes. It keeps our house in decent condition. Of course, this is not deep cleaning every day, but it does keep us on track with having things picked up and clutter free. The deep cleaning around here is more random and not frequent enough.
If they use something and don’t put it away, they’re not allowed to use it again. If they complain about cleaning up some mess they made with their toys, I clean it up for them by putting it into a trash bag and throwing it away. I only had to do this once several years ago, and apparently they learned the lesson.
Now if I could just find a cure for all the bickering
Our house is far from perfect, but this keeps it clean enough for me to function. I cannot function with a mess everywhere. If I look up at 11:00 and the living room is a mess, I don’t stress too much because I know it will be cleaned up in an hour.
One other thing we do is use allowance charts. My kids get a certain amount of allowance each week. This is not money they earn, just money we are giving them. I have a chart on the wall each week where I can subtract or add onto the allowance. So, if someone does a poor job on their chores, I might subtract 50 cents, so they would only get 4.50 that week instead of 5.00. If they talk especially bad to a sibling I will take off a dollar. If they do something wonderful or especially helpful, I will add on for that. When I am consistent with it, this works as a great motivator. Unfortunately I have a hard time being consistent.
We all have those days when we are at our wit’s end. But if you are feeling like that every day, there is definitely a problem. If you take the time now to correct it, it will make your life so much more pleasant. IMHO, this is infinitely more important than getting schoolwork done or doing outside activities. I would make it my highest priority. But like I said at the beginning, your husband has to be on board. If he is not, then I’m not sure how much you can accomplish on your own. And please forgive me if I’ve misread the situation at all. My intent is only to be helpful. Blessings to you and your family!
That’s a hard one. I have been putting the instigator in his room everytime he starts. This way he is away from everyone else. I have been having problems with my ds trying to leave my dd out of things. I have told him ,” How would you feel if we left you out of things?” “If it isn’t fun for one it isn’t fun for anyone.” is our saying. It sometimes seems like they don’t care and want to bicker anyway. We just went over this study Monday. The Bible verse was.. Proverbs 20:5 “Any fool can start a Quarrel” Now my one son hates to be considered a fool. 🙂 So lately I have been making him read the verse which is on a bright pink 3X5 card clipped to a magnet on the fridge. I keep this up until they can resite me the verse. This one was this weeks verse.
Last weeks verse was Proverbs 3:27 “Do not refuse a kindness to anyone who asks it, if it is in your power to preform it.” So , if someone asks you to stop picking on them then they should. The only time you shouldn’t do for someone is when you know that it would be harmful or may cause them to stumble. Like lying for them. 🙂
My other favorite is 1 John 3:17 ” Investing whatever is nescessary to heal the hurts of others,” This was our Bible verse before that one. 🙂 There are so many. I try to get them memorizing it until everyone can say it without looking at the fridge. This way we have something to strive for even if it isn’t all roses. At least we can smell a little of the fragrance. 🙂
I also usually work on the downstairs on the zone clean and not one room. We are usually bumping into each other to much to be in one room at a time. I found it is good if we are spring cleaning that way though. Not regular cleaning. One floor at a time. Seperate rooms for those who don’t work well with others. 🙂 Pair up kids who work well with each other. If you have an older child he can teach the younger one to do his job. They work at it together. This way they can work with a buddy and get more done. Then when he is out of the house the other child is old enought to take over his job. 🙂
IF you have big rooms where everyone can fit in and you can come up with a job for everyone then you could probably benefit well in that area. It would make it faster to move threw. I just found in my situation we just got in each others way to much that less got done and more bickering insued. 🙂 Stive for peace in this area. What ever works best in your house. We are all different. Some days I don’t mind the mess. Other days it will drive me mad! That is usually near our zone cleaning day.
Oh, I almost forgot. to get a kids room clean someone said to put 3 baskets out. One for books, one for toys, and one for clothes. They fill these up and when they are done and nothing is on the floor they put the stuff away. If mine argue over not picking it up it is mine. Not theirs anymore and it is free to go in the next garage sale or thrift store. If they don’t feel motivated to clean I just smile and say OK. Get me a garbage bag! Still smiling… Because I am going to put it away! They usually don’t like where I am going to put it and pick it up. If you are to tired to pick it up. Just lay on their bed an tell them what they missed as they go around the room and pick up everything for you to toss. This way if they share a room they are not fighting on who put the item there.
Hoped this has helped. 🙂 These are just a few things that have helped me. Not that my house isn’t a wreck. I would have to live in a bubble to say that. The more kids you have the more you can expect is going to be out of place. You could even assign areas for each child to check over before they go to bed. This way at least you won’t be tripping over stuff when you go to bed. 🙂 Nothing like stepping on legos under the floor mat. Tehe he
We’ve used the following with (some) success:
1. Bean jar – decide on a reward as a family – movie & treats, bowling, hike, picnic, whatever. Then take an empty jar and fill a second jar with dry beans (or marbles or whatever). Whenever you catch them being good you ask them to put a bean in the empty jar. When the jar is full the entire family gets to participate in the reward. You NEVER take out beans because they were rewards for being good. You have to watch them carefully to catch them doing right. At the beginning you might need to reward quickly and for smaller things – it might be “Thank you for sitting quietly for 1 minute. You brought so much peace to our home….go get a bean! By having a family jar they all work together which breeds a feeling of teamwork. You can start with a smaller jar and make it a bit larger each time. Every once and a while give a reward for silly things – ‘You ate the biggest banana’, ‘Your socks match’, ‘You have 10 toes’.
2. Timers – If the house is crazy sometimes we set a timer for 5 to 20 minutes and work like crazy to clean then set the timer for the same amount of time and play or do school. Often we alternate with school, clean, play and do that all day. I’m always amazed at how much we accomplish when we do this. My kids love knowing how long they’ll have to work.
3. Clean it yourself….which means you get it. Period. It only takes once or twice and then they clean up themselves.
4. Pack it away and only let them have it if they ask for it by name. After a month or two, get rid of it. I hate arguing about cleaning up junk so I prefer to get rid of it.
5. Money jar – we’re using this one for hurtful words right now. At the beginning of the week each kid gets $3.50 in nickels in a jar. Everytime they use a mean word (or hit, threaten, whatever) they have to take a nickel out and put it in the bank. At the end of the week, whatever they have left, is theirs to spend (or save).
6. For arguing with ME or talking back…or just general misbehavior I assign an extra chore the premise being Work Builds Character. I made up a list of “extra” chores, the ones I never get to regularly and wrote one on each index card. If a boy earns one he takes the first one in the box and when he’s done it goes in the back. They’re things like ‘dust the baseboards in the living room’, ‘clean all the dining room chairs’, ‘sharpen pencils for 10 minutes’, ‘wipe out the silverware drawer’ and so on.
7. For fighting siblings I sometimes assign them to work together on a job/chore. If they continue to fight during it, they get another one. If they continue to fight…another chore….pretty soon they decide to work it out.
About the not finishing chorepacks – the child is not allowed to move to the next card in the pack until they finish the current card/chore. When they finish the pack it is delivered to me/my desk. That is the child declaring they did all the work, so if I check and they skipped something then it is dealt with as lying.
The chorepacks do help them finish in a few ways:
– they can see what they have to get done so they know there is an end – mom is not going to call out another chore and another and another….
– if I or my husband see the child with the chorepack still on we can see they’ve not finished. If they’re away from their chore area or playing we know they’re distracted. We gently redirect by asking what card are they on. They then look at the card and direct themselves to where they need to go and what they need to do.
– chores before food is really motivating for some children. We try to plan chore times to hit before a snack or meal. The rule is you can’t eat until you’ve done your chores, and if you miss the meal you don’t eat until the next regularly scheduled time for food. With this we of course make sure we’re starting chores far enough in advance that every child should easily finish their work. Then if they’ve dawdled or gotten distracted they’re making their own consequence.
We also like to call out a few quick pickups during the day (esp. before daddy comes home) and we all work in one room for that as quick as we can.
I really don’t have any advice (and I don’t have near as many dc), but I do want you to know that you are not alone. I think everyone left some great advice, especially encouraging your dh to work with you with the kids.
That’s all I’ve got….We will pray for you and your dear family today.
Dear Misty, I have not taken time to read other post so if I am repetitive forgive me. I in no way want to be critical by saying this, but from the tone of your post it seems to me that your family might need outside help from a counselor/pastor. No matter how big or small the family, your husband should be able to help with his children. You can’t and never will be capable of raising them alone! There is training that only Dad’s can teach. I am not saying your situation is all his fault, infact it isn’t anyones fault. This is simply Human nature at work. If we are to do the right things in life and cause our children to do right, it comes through training ourselves and our children. Sometimes we need to involve a counselor who can help all parties to see what their responsibility is in the family unit. Don’t think you are alone in this battle. All families struggle with this from time to time. We all need mentors who have conquered this battle that can teach us how to be what we need to be for our children. My prayer is that God will help you and your husband to become a team. Together is the only way you will be able to effectively train your DC. Sincerely, Wendy
Wendy has an excellent point. It also sounds like you and your husband may need some alone time. Could he be bitter and frustrated because you are so wrapped up in the kids that he feels you have no time for him? I know that can cause more than a little resentment in a marraige. I also know it really can’t be easy finding a sitter for 7 children as young as yours. You may have to get really creative.
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