What does training in obedience look like in your home?

We are focusing on habit training with our ds5 this summer. This is an area that I have struggled with over the past year, mainly because I have a hard time figuring out what behaviours to work on that line up with the trait.

Last week I decided to make sitting at the table for meals our focus. While we were eating our meals at the table, our son who is an only child would often leave the table mid meal to play. Now I set a digital timer and leave it on the table. The rule is 10 minutes. I told ds that he was expected to sit for meals for at least that long. The timer is set to count from zero, so that it doesn’t go off at 10 minutes. It is more for me to know how long he has sat. When he is finished his meal he must ask ‘May I please be excused?’ If it hasn’t been 10 minutes he is required to stay. When he is excused I also ask him to do something toward clearing the table (put his plate by the sink, put unfinished drink in the fridge, etc). He does the task and is free to play.

When we started I thought we would need to work up to 10 minutes and that it would be a battle for the first while, but I have found that he easily sits for 10 minutes, often up to 15 minutes, as long as: dh and I have prepared the meal and served it and not allowed him to snack prior to the meal, we serve food that he enjoys, we make sure he is included in conversation, we do not allow distractions to pull us away from the table. Truly most of this habit training is for the parents!!!

The other night he tried to leave the table without asking to be excused. I called him back, and said ‘is there something you have to say?’ His response: ‘Thank you for dinner’ Dh and I were thrilled that he thought to say thank you, and then prompted him to ask to be excused.

We will add other behaviour/habit after this one is firmly rooted. For me, I find it easier to identify a habit I want to work on, than to pick a trait and try to come up with a habit that would emphasize it. Often several traits are developed by one behaviour/habit.

I am looking forward to hearing how others are putting habit training to work in their famililes.

Vanessa

Right now we are working on first time obedience, especially with ds3. When mommy says come to mommy, I expect a “yes mommy”. When that does not happen there is a consequence for disobeying. I do not have time to tell them things over and over. I do make sure they hear me and have them look at my eyes when I give instructions and I expect them to be followed.

Tardy, unwilling, occasional obedience is hardly worth the having; and it is greatly easier to give the child the habit of perfect obedience by never allowing him in anything else, than it is to obtain this mere formal obedience by a constant exercise of authority.”

–Charlotte Mason

I have a long way to go in this! But I have been thankful many,many times for the advice/reminder from scripture that my dad and grandpa both gave to me…let your yes be yes, and your no, no. And like someone else mentioned…the main thing is training Mom and Dad to mean what they say withou fail. Now, that said , I really struggle with what kind of consequences to apply and how. I want peace I in our home, but so often it just is not there. When I apply discipline, I get Reactions…KWIM? So, I need help too.

“Slow obedience is no obedience” is the motto in our home for obedience training. When we trained in the habit of first-time, prompt obedience, my husband and I found ourselves repeating this mantra a lot in the beginning. Now, if someone is slow to obey, we simply say this as a gentle reminder, and they are usually quick about doing what was asked of them. 

Not to set you back, but I firmly believe (as does SCM) that you need to establish the habit of attention BEFORE you work on obedience. If your child can’t pay attention when you speak to him/her, how can you expect him/her to obey? The child should be able to make eye contact when speaking and being spoken to, be able to repeat back instructions, be able to give the whole force of their attention to whatever task is at hand prior to obedience training. I believe a strong habit of attention gets you at least halfway over the mountain of obedience. 

Lindsey, I understand the thinking of putting the habit of attention first but I have a little one (8yo) who is perfectly described as someone who struggles with ‘executive functioning’.  I guess even with that attention is a crucial skill to work on but it feels like if I take ‘attention’ as the habit to work on we’ll need to do it for YEARS…so I haven’t done it at all.   I guess in writing this I’m realizing I just need to start.  It really is such an issue here.  I don’t think most people can imagine how easily it is for my son to get distracted. I still can’t!  Once he told me he forgot to put on his seatbelt (while I ran back in the house to get something) because he got distracted by the tree outside the van window.  Sigh.

Obedience is definitely a work in progress in our house and my head is filling up with gray hairs, but this is one strategy that works as a punishment for us. If my DS5 does not obey the first time because he is playing with a toy, I put that toy in “Toy Jail” until the next day when he completes the task promptly and respectfully. This AM he was dawdling and taking a long time to do his chores because he was playing with his LEGOs. I reminded him to stay on task, he got upset, and his toy went in Toy Jail. After he calmed down, I told him that he could have it back tomorrow when he completes his chores as expected without being asked.

There are many strategies – this is just one. I look forward to hearing others’ ways of teaching obedience.