What am “I” doing wrong?

Would Raising Godly Tomatoes be of help? They “tomato stake” in their home–meaning keeping children close by helping mom til they can be trusted to play on their own….

http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com/

Tara

I feel for you. I have 4 boys myself and they can get crazy! They are 8, 8, 5 and 2. Some things that have worked for us:

1. Making sure they get plenty of physical activity during the day. One of mine especially needs to get outside or he gets aggressive. He just has too much energy to contain.

2. If the fighting escalates I look at what they’ve been watching. We only allow pre-approved DVDs (no TV) but if they’ve been watching lots of Batman or Justice League or ninja stuff, the fighting gets worse. So does the name calling. We take breaks from the TV – a few days or a few weeks as needed.

3. We started a “Bean Jar”. I got the idea from a Thomas Jefferson Education book. Basically, you take a small container and every time a child does something good you compliment them and give them a bean. You’re looking for positives all the time and soon you feel better about the children and they feel better about themselves and they start acting better because they want the beans. Once the container is full the whole family earns something fun like renting a movie, going to pizza, having a picnic, playing at the park, whatever. It can be free or be something you pay for. But you’re working towards it as a family – all the positives work together and there are never any beans taken away for bad behavior. We try to award silly beans sometimes too, just to keep it light. We’ve given Most Earwax and other crazy things. We also try to turn bad situations around with beans, like if one of the younger ones falls and gets hurt he might get a bean for not screaming his guts out or for getting the biggest scrape at the park. I have one boy who throws a fit about everything and he often gets time-out for it. Sometimes I’ll give him a bean for only screaming for 5 minutes instead of 20. He understands without me saying anything that his behavior was inappropriate and he works harder to control himself in the future. We’ve noticed a real improvement in their attitudes to us and each other since starting.

4. I make sure they get enough sleep. I let them sleep in until they’re ready to wake up. And try to get them to bed between 8 and 9. They usually get up at 7:30 or 8, but have been known to sleep until 9 or 10. I figure they need it.

5. One of my boys is very sensitive to the food coloring Red 40 and if he gets it he’s an animal. We’ve cut out as much artificial food coloring as we can and he’s much calmer. I’ve also tried to reduce the amount of sugar they are getting.

6. If things get really bad and I’m not getting anything done we often just sit on the couch and read fun books. I keep telling myself ‘it’s still school, it’s still an education, they’re still learning’. Sometimes they just need to have fun with mom. Or we’ll go for a long nature walk or play some games like Sum Swamp or Countdown or Uno or Candyland.

7. Every month or so we have a special family night to celebrate each person. One at a time someone will sit in the special chair and everyone will go around the room and tell one thing they like about the person in the chair. Everyone has to say something and it has to be nice. Unkind things mean a) you don’t get the special treat afterwards or b) you have to say 5 nice things or c) dad will talk to you alone afterwards or d) all of the above. After everyone has had a turn the person in the chair says one thing they like about themselves and we all clap and say we love the person. Then the next person has a turn. It’s been so sweet to hear the things my boys have to say about each other and us parents. Things that they normally wouldn’t say to each other but that mean so much to the other person. For days afterwards you can see them just bouncing with happiness.

8. I can’t hear whining. “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you’re saying because you’re whining” or “I’m sorry, whining isn’t appropriate around people. If you want to be around people you’ll need to stop whining”. If they don’t stop they go to their room until they can control it. I also don’t give anything unless they say please. I may remind them, but then I ask them to say it out loud before I follow through. I’ll often say, “I’m sorry, I’d love to give you ______, but you didn’t say please.” My husband always sings a song which drives them crazy “There are two little magic words that will open any door with ease, one little word is thank you and the other little word is please”. He sings it every time they forget to say please or thank you and it sure motivates them to remember!

9. We just read some Mrs. Piggle Wiggle books with kids that complain and tattle and have bad table manners, etc and then the cure. It opened their eyes to how unattractive those behaviors were and the silly cures made them see that maybe they could control their behavior.

I hope you don’t feel that you need to or should do all of these. I’m just sharing some things that have worked in the hopes that something might help you. Best of luck to you.

Heather

It must be a boy thing! I have enjoyed reading the responses here as I have the same problems in my house. My three boys are constantly at each other’s throats lately.

That bean jar idea sounds wonderful. I NEED to spend more time on the positive.

I just got the Laying Down the Rails seminar and book. I got it along with the All-Day CM workshop from Sonya. It was absolutely wonderful.

The thing I have taken away from just the first few pages is that I need to stop being a machine gun mommy. I am always throwing so many things out there that they don’t hear anything I say. Also, I need to work on just ONE thing until it is regularily accomplished with no intervention on my part. So to that end I am working on quick bathtimes and clean up (usually takes forever) and the habit of attention during school lessons. Both are really habit of attention because they need to not dawdle during bathtime and lessons.

Once these two things are taken care of I will work on dinner chores, then bedroom clean up, then laundry…you get the idea.