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Weird Question
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I have appreciated all of your help as I’ve been sorting out a few things recently. I have one more question but it may seem strange. I’ll start by saying that I want to communicate to my DS5 that is is CAPABLE! I can see now that I have been doing far, far too much for him. I have seen it as helping but I think it has actually communicated to him that he is incompetent. Sigh. So I would welcome any advice to that for sure but now onto my question. What do you call your children and at what age? Weird question, right? I call my DD1.5 “baby”. Is that bad? Technically, she’s not. And sometimes, gulp, that term comes out toward my DS5. Yikes. And sometimes I call him buddy. Maybe pet names are uncalled for in general. I’m not sure. Thanks a ton!
Dana
Being a southerner I call my sons Hon..prob not appropriate but I don’t think it is bad! 🙂
My mom called me forever and up until she died, monkey. Now, I have passed that name to my kids! I don’t call them that all the time! But occasionally I do! And it reminds me of my mom 🙂
I also say, babe or baby..not as name calling…but in a motherly way..my dh dislikes it! So, I am trying to stop that! LOL
My dh calls the boys chuckleheads! Think Stooges! I think they like their “pet” names. They are really tearms of endearment to us!
Of course, stupid, dummy, baby…as in name calling, and other “bad” words are not allowed!
I hope I understood your question!! LOL
I wouldn’t worry too much about calling your son “baby” once in awhile….he’ll probably let you know for sure when it bothers him, and you can smile and tell him, “You know, Mom will probably still think of you as her baby even when she’s 90 years old & you’re a grown man with grandkids of your own!” Some kids treasure their parents’ pet names for them even more when they are teens or grown & some don’t. My DD14 loves our pet name for her as long as it’s kept within the family (not if front of friends). We respect that & enjoy the name.
As far as capability goes, I have had to do this from time to time, especially with my autistic son. I sit the child down and say I’m sorry for doing things for them that I know they can do on their own, and I apologize for treating them as a baby (or a “child” for my teen dd). Then I tell the child that I will no longer do a specific thing or set of things (such as “set out your clothes for you” or “pour your juice for breakfast” or “hang up your jacket for you”–stuff like that) and that I will only talk them through how to do it once or twice if needed. I then praise the child for how much they are able to handle & how much they are growing up. Then….I just grit my teeth and stick to it until they resign themselves to doing things on their own.
Sometimes, like for things such as hanging up a jacket, you have to remind them a few times and then dole out a consequence if they simply choose not to do it.
Oh, I think I misunderstood what you were asking. You were really just asking about the names, right?
Oh, well….maybe it was a nickel’s worth of free advice for someone else!
I only have girls, so my perspective may not be accurate, but I think calling a boy “baby” is not as consequence-free as calling a girl “baby”. Maybe it’s just my oversensitivity to all the men that have “grown up” but still act like adolescents. I’m praying that my girl’s husbands are being raised to be men from a very young age – not in a harsh way, but just in a way that is respectful and accountable.
Now, for some great ideas on how to help your little guy gain some independence – I just downloaded this GREAT article and want to make a few changes around my house to implement some of the ideas. http://homeschoolenrichment.com/goodies/freedom.html?%2Ffreedom Click on the self-teaching students banner. It’s from Home School Enrichment Magazine.
Well, I have nicknames (multiple ones for each) for all my kids, some short, some long some make sense to outsiders and some just sound funny and are just understood within the family. In fact my username, Linabean (pronounced like the “i” is “ee”) is one of my kids nicknames. We still use it for her but it came from when she was a baby. I also sometimes just call them generic loving nicknames such as Honey, Sweetie, buddy and yes, babe and baby sometimes. I do that with my dh too. He does it with me as well. It is understood that I am not calling them or thinking of them as a baby, it is just a term of endearment. Like honey or dear (it’s pretty clear you are not thinking of them as a dear or as honey! LOL! ). However, if any nickname or term or endearment bothered any of my kids or my dh, I would try to stop.
My father in law calls my mother in law “lump” from when she got so big when pregnant. She has come to view it as a term of endearment and treats it as that. I don’t think I would like it, though! So, I don’t think what you call people as a nickname or a term of endearment matters to much as long as the person enjoys it too and it is understood that it is JUST being used as a term of endearment.
Is this helpful at all? I hope I understood your question correctly!
-Miranda
I don’t think having a cute name like baby will create a immature man. Lots of other factors come into play..I know that is not totally what you mean. But, I respect my boys and they are learning to be young men already. Like I said, it is a term of endearment to me and does not reflect on how they act or how they should act. I use it every once in a while. Dh does not like it because he thinks it is for younger kids. If you live in the South, you hear babe, hon, sug..for sugar, and other names like it among cashiers, waitress, nurses, teachers, etc.
That is just MHO! 🙂
No, Sue, that is terrific advice! Exactly what I’m dealing with!
By the way, when I say “baby” it is endearing for sure (but maybe unintentionally condescending). I do also call my son “monkey”. It fits.
My main concern is conveying a sense of incompetence.
Thanks to all! Keep it coming! I’d love my son to feel responsible and competent!
Thanks!
Dana
And I wholeheartedly agree – calling a boy “baby” alone won’t create an immature man, but Dana was asking about doing that along with assisting in many areas where her son could probably stand some independence. I would think that most five year old boys would be a little embarassed to be called “baby” – if not now, at least probably in a year or two – I’d think he’d much rather be called a nick-name that gives him respect “little man?”, “big guy?”, but like I said, what do I know, I have all girls!
I think it all depends on how you call him baby or how often. I would try to be conscious of it and try to weed it out by replacing it with buddy or champ. You don’t want to be in the habit of calling him baby when he’s older.
What really drives me crazy is people who refer to their child as “the baby” when they are well into toddler years. My husband’s cousin still calls his 3 year “the baby” and his brother called their dd “the baby” until her brother was born when she was nearly 6.
Well, it’s very rare that I call him that actually and I think it happens after I’ve spoken to my DD but then I wondered if even calling her that at a year and a half old was inappropriate. Oh my MIL still called my DH “baby” at 30-something. Ugh. And he hates it! Haha. I was just wondering if I was the only one who does this and if I should even stop calling my DD that.
As far as my DS I have definitely babied him in other ways. Sigh. Repent! Repent! Terrible! I see now the damaging effects when, at the time, I thought I was being loving an helpful. Ugh. But I’m changing a ton of things and hopefully it will help without making him feel rejected, unloved, or bitter.
Thanks again!
Dana
Oh Dana!!!! You’re a GREAT mom and asking GREAT questions!!!! There’s no way that kiddo of yours is going to feel rejected, unloved or bitter – even if you slip and call him “baby” in front of his friends at graduation!
We all make mistakes – too much help, too little help, finding a good balance is difficult, but pray about it and follow some of the excellent advice you got on the other thread about how to encourage him toward independence. He’ll be off on his own before you know it!
Well that’s true. I had a German friend when my DS was a toddler (I’ve since moved) and she would sneer when I called him “baby” and was 1yo. She would say, “That must be an American thing. We certainly don’t do that.” So I have that replaying in my mind and I wonder – is that normal or just me? 🙂
Dana – I call my kids all sorts of pet names at different times – Mr. Man, Miss Muffet, Snugglebug, BooBoo, Babe, Sugar, etc. All are simply terms of endearment for us and are in no way related to expectations. If the two have been related for you, you may choose to take a step back and re-evaluate. However, I don’t think it necessary to drop your endearing terms unless you’re asked to do so. My ds9 would not like being called baby (and he hates the word cute), but I can say, “Hey babe or …” and he doesn’t mind. Now, I never treat him like a baby or coddle him in any way. I think Sue’s advice was very good re. setting new parameters for your ds.
Potpourri – I say this with the utmost respect for your personal family choices, but from some of your posts it seems that you are easily offended when others differ from your family’s choices. We are all simply navigating life and our homeschooling journey to the best of our abilities and will have a wide variety of opinions regarding the decisions we make. The SCM forum is a great place to share, encourage and even exhort one another on this big adventure. May I offer a gentle reminder of the grace with which opinions and advice are shared on this forum. It is possible to share our own viewpoints without taking offense at those whose views differ from our own. If we all simply take a moment to word our posts in a way that shares what works for us without adding in comments that belittle, then we will preserve this special little corner of the internet for the treasure that it is.
Blessings to each of us as we continue on the journey.
Christie
I still call my 9yo “baby” and “babe”. We call him Stink (not in a demeaning way; it just came out one day when he was a baby and stuck), Bubba, Bub, Buddy, and others I probably can’t think of. We still call our dd7 Baby too, as well as Punkin, Lovey, Sugar Girl, and Sweet Pea. I don’t think any of these terms of endearment cause my children to feel as if I am speaking down to them or referring to them as one who acts babyish. Rather, it is a special thing between parent and child, sort of a language that only we speak and understand. Our children don’t call us Mom or Dad either. It is still Momma or Mommy and Daddy. That is so very special to us, as all of their peers and friends at church are no longer using these sweet terms for their parents. (Not that there’s anything wrong with Mom or Dad, it’s just special to us.)
Anyway, I think it is the tone of voice we use with our children that cause them to feel inadequate or whatever. Think about it. If a bully on the playground calls your child a baby, it is said with a nasty, mean tone that makes the child feel less than he/she is. But when a mother lovingly calls her child Baby, I believe it communicates love, tenderness, and spoken affection that builds the child up rather than tearing him down.
For what it’s worth,
Lindsey
Also, great reminder, Christie!
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