Thinking about habits….

I know what you mean!!!!!  Our son is the same way.  And I’d love to hear others helpful responses.  For me the only thing that has made an impact (however small of one) is this;  I tell him “I KNOW how you feel.  You tell me often.  In fact what is your motive for telling me?  It isn’t to inform me, because you know that I already know how much you dislike school.”  It helps him see that his motive is in fact to just complain.  But we seem to go around this same mountain again and again. 

Wish I could be of more help–  

Anyone?? 

To add to what brentapril said, your “complainer container” could contain jobs instead of money. If he complains, he gets extra chores. I think Lisa Whelchel (Creative Correction) did something similar for when her children were bored.

Wow, I remember saying those things to my mom when she homeschooled us, starting about the same age too.  Although at the time she did not know Love and Logic (might be worth looking into, she uses it as a teacher and I use it with my little ones, even works with teens).  What about picking a few phrases that you can respond with and just get really boring with it. I know I was always trying to “hook” my mom into it, or wear her down so I could quit (sorry Mom!)

If she’s flat out arguing, what about “I love you too much to argue” in a calm sweet voice and a smile if one can manage it while gritting your teeth and biting your tongue!

Empathize with “I know” or “I’m sorry you feel that way”

Or how about a simple ohhhhhhhh….. each time she starts in with the whining/complaining (My husband uses this with great effect each time there is any back talking starting up: “yeah, but…” They really hate this one and when I remember to do it, it keeps me from saying too much and saves my energy for other things.

Oh oh, I just remembered I do the Energy Drain sometimes and it is good for anything they’re doing that is hassling you (similar thought to the jar I guess but easier to set up).

“Oh honey, you are really draining my energy with your complaining. Try not to worry about it though.”

and a little later when they want you to do something fun or have a meal :

“oh honey, this is so sad. I don’t have enough energy to make you lunch after how you’ve been this morning. Would you like to hear some ideas of how to put it back? Some kids go and pick up all the dog poop in the yard (or another chore you would really like to get done), other kids __________. I can’t wait to see what you decide to do.” and walk away.

hopefully they are thinking really hard by this point and make the choice of what they are going to do. Of course if they refuse to take action to one of your choices, there is always a third choice of going to their room or simply  missing out on the fun thing or the meal. (oh, I give ice cream to kids that are sweet , as I walk in the door with it after they ask for some can be effective if you can’t think of anything else or if they are just being a rock about it).

all that to say I still blow it a lot and I don’t have all the answers but this stuff really does work with human nature.

Let’s see if I’m understanding correctly, Doug.  If they give their best effort and the math page isn’t done in the given time then the page or lesson is continued the next day.  If they aren’t giving their best effort at the scheduled time then they must come back to it later that same day and work on it for another session. 

If I could only remember this and enforce it in the heat of the moment!!   I tend to allow myself to get sucked into the argument and then wonder “Why am I arguing and debating?  I’m the adult here?!!!!”  Any solutions for that? 

That’s right mj. Best effort gets the reward of a job well done and a short lesson. The lack of best effort gets the natural consequence of giving up fun time later to do the work properly.

It was so freeing for the whole family when we switched to this style. The fuss goes away quickly as everyone gets used to it. The reward/consequence is determined and explained ahead of time so you don’t even have to think about it in the heat of the moment.

The quality of the work increased so there has been no problem being at or above grade level. Of course, the allotted time has increased gradually as our children matured and math lessons became more advanced. e.g., trigonometry doesn’t happen in 15 minutes. 🙂

Keep in mind that we do school year round with multiple short breaks instead of the summer off. That is probably a factor too because you don’t spend so much time re-learning what was lost over a long summer break.

Thanks for making this so clear Doug.  I tried this today and it was absolutely wonderful to be able to do this without a lot of anger and frustration involved.  It proved to be effective and it did feel very freeing!!