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Thinking about habits….
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If I am going to start working on forming habits in my children (i.e.Smooth and Easy Days), how do you change a bad habit that is already deeply ingrained. For example, I have an eleven year old who is a chronic complainer. I here “Why does math have to take so long?” or “I can’t do that,” or “This is too hard,” or “I just want to be done with school.” And it is always with a horrible look on her face. It just wears me out! So how do I break this habit???!!!! What do I do each time it happens? I always stop and correct her and let her know what she is doing wrong but it never seems to change!!!!!
Any suggestions?
I know what you mean!!!!! Our son is the same way. And I’d love to hear others helpful responses. For me the only thing that has made an impact (however small of one) is this; I tell him “I KNOW how you feel. You tell me often. In fact what is your motive for telling me? It isn’t to inform me, because you know that I already know how much you dislike school.” It helps him see that his motive is in fact to just complain. But we seem to go around this same mountain again and again.
Wish I could be of more help–
Anyone??
Maybe a penny jar. (or quarter jar, depending on how mercenary the child is
)Each complaint removes a coin from the jar. They get to keep the money left at the end of the week. Although I generally don’t care for paying kids to do what they’re supposed to do anyway, this visual might help her realize how often she complains, possibly breaking the habit. (It really can become a habit!)
Or they put in a coin each time they complain, and it goes to charity at the end of the week.
I’ve heard of adults doing this for swearing.
To add to what brentapril said, your “complainer container” could contain jobs instead of money. If he complains, he gets extra chores. I think Lisa Whelchel (Creative Correction) did something similar for when her children were bored.
Hmmm….these are great ideas! I am going to implement this and see how it goes ’cause something has got to change!!!
Wow, I remember saying those things to my mom when she homeschooled us, starting about the same age too. Although at the time she did not know Love and Logic (might be worth looking into, she uses it as a teacher and I use it with my little ones, even works with teens). What about picking a few phrases that you can respond with and just get really boring with it. I know I was always trying to “hook” my mom into it, or wear her down so I could quit (sorry Mom!)
If she’s flat out arguing, what about “I love you too much to argue” in a calm sweet voice and a smile if one can manage it while gritting your teeth and biting your tongue!
Empathize with “I know” or “I’m sorry you feel that way”
Or how about a simple ohhhhhhhh….. each time she starts in with the whining/complaining (My husband uses this with great effect each time there is any back talking starting up: “yeah, but…” They really hate this one and when I remember to do it, it keeps me from saying too much and saves my energy for other things.
Oh oh, I just remembered I do the Energy Drain sometimes and it is good for anything they’re doing that is hassling you (similar thought to the jar I guess but easier to set up).
“Oh honey, you are really draining my energy with your complaining. Try not to worry about it though.”
and a little later when they want you to do something fun or have a meal :
“oh honey, this is so sad. I don’t have enough energy to make you lunch after how you’ve been this morning. Would you like to hear some ideas of how to put it back? Some kids go and pick up all the dog poop in the yard (or another chore you would really like to get done), other kids __________. I can’t wait to see what you decide to do.” and walk away.
hopefully they are thinking really hard by this point and make the choice of what they are going to do. Of course if they refuse to take action to one of your choices, there is always a third choice of going to their room or simply missing out on the fun thing or the meal. (oh, I give ice cream to kids that are sweet , as I walk in the door with it after they ask for some can be effective if you can’t think of anything else or if they are just being a rock about it).
all that to say I still blow it a lot and I don’t have all the answers but this stuff really does work with human nature.
Charlotte Mason emphasized using short lessons and doing your very best work in that time. I know some moms like to use a timer. For example, set the timer for 15 minutes of math and require best effort work. When the time is up then she is done. It’s okay if the page of math isn’t finished as long as she gave it her best. She can pick up where she left off the next day.
The natural consequence for not giving her best effort is that she will have to later lose some normal free time or an enjoyable activity enjoys to go back and do her math properly.
You’ll find that after a while of doing it this way that more will be accomplished in that short time than with a longer time filled with dawdling and complaining. The work time can be increased gradually as the child matures.
Let’s see if I’m understanding correctly, Doug. If they give their best effort and the math page isn’t done in the given time then the page or lesson is continued the next day. If they aren’t giving their best effort at the scheduled time then they must come back to it later that same day and work on it for another session.
If I could only remember this and enforce it in the heat of the moment!!
I tend to allow myself to get sucked into the argument and then wonder “Why am I arguing and debating? I’m the adult here?!!!!” Any solutions for that? I tend to disagree a bit with the 15 minute thing……I have an 11 and a 13 yr old and I did this with them when they were younger. And then I found myself, when they got to be 9-10 yrs old, not doing the level of math work that they should be doing. They did not have their math facts down. I believe math is something that has to be drilled and they need at least 30 mins a day at younger ages and 45 mins – 1 hour when they are older. Now, I did not start off thinking that way but, because of my experience with both of them, I am now changing what I am doing with my Kindergartner and 1st grader.
What frustrates me is that I know my 11 yr old can do it and do it well; she has proven it to me time and time again. And if I only gave her 15 mins of math a day, she would later complain that she is not doing enough — that other kids are doing more and that she will fall behind. Higher levels of math need more time in the day. I don’t want to play catch again — complete nightmare.
With the 15 min thing, I would never get through all of the topics for the grade level plus they wouldn’t have enough practice with those concepts.
Now I could see breaking the math up into 15 minute segments a couple of times a day. That would work and I could give that to her as an option.
That’s right mj. Best effort gets the reward of a job well done and a short lesson. The lack of best effort gets the natural consequence of giving up fun time later to do the work properly.
It was so freeing for the whole family when we switched to this style. The fuss goes away quickly as everyone gets used to it. The reward/consequence is determined and explained ahead of time so you don’t even have to think about it in the heat of the moment.
The quality of the work increased so there has been no problem being at or above grade level. Of course, the allotted time has increased gradually as our children matured and math lessons became more advanced. e.g., trigonometry doesn’t happen in 15 minutes. 🙂
Keep in mind that we do school year round with multiple short breaks instead of the summer off. That is probably a factor too because you don’t spend so much time re-learning what was lost over a long summer break.
Hi
Would there be anything against having 2 x 15-20 min sessions a day to get through the work? I was thinking as the work got a little harder but the dc still needs short lessons for concentration, that this would be our plan. Might seem a simple question but I feel so new to this that I thought I’d check.
Thanks for making this so clear Doug. I tried this today and it was absolutely wonderful to be able to do this without a lot of anger and frustration involved. It proved to be effective and it did feel very freeing!!
Short lessons are good. Perhaps using the first segment as learning/practicing a new skill and the second segment could be more review.
I am now giving my daughter the option of splitting it up into two parts during the day. It has worked well the last few days. There has been no complaining and she ends up doing the whole thing so that she can have it done and not have to come back to it later. I am sure there will be days when she will want to break it up and now she knows she has that option.
How about when they complain you could only answer with short phrases, “Probably so, I don’t know, maybe so, etc.” Then if it doesn’t stop move to the next step. Like this my boys were to be cleaning the basement. They came up and started to play (which ment in there mind they were done), so I said I didn’t hear the vacuum going. The reply “do we have to” (whining) me”Probably so” whining from them, me”You have 3 minutes to do it yourself or pay me $10 and I will do it?’ boy the vacuum was down stairs and mom was happy. I was going to win either way! and you might ask would you really make them pay YES , if I say it I mean it, that would have been 5 each cause I usually have 2 to a task. They got to decided to keep complaining and pay up or just do it. Just my 2 cents!
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I tend to allow myself to get sucked into the argument and then wonder “Why am I arguing and debating? I’m the adult here?!!!!” Any solutions for that? 
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