The guilt of not doing it all: What do you let go of?

I hear you! I am in the process of re-prioritizing my priorities also. Hopefully you will get lots of helpful responses…I will look forward to hearing what others have to say on this topic also. One thing that I was just thinking about this morning was that my highest priority needs to be on maintaining my family relationships and my relationship with God. We are in a very crazy season of life right now, and I’ve realized lately that I’ve let these things slide. I’m still working out what exactly this looks like for me, so I can’t offer specifics to you, but I am working on evaluating my own priorities and activities in light of that: are they building up our family relationships – with the Lord and/or with each other? Or not?

My children are also young (6, 4, 2), and I’ve found it helpful with the ‘necessary to life’ household tasks to include them and do things together. Young ones can really be more helpful than you think! We clean up the toys and clutter all together before lunch and bedtime (to keep it from overtaking the house!), I always have a ‘helper’ doing dishes or cooking with me, we fold the laundry together. These things and keeping the bathroom sanitary are what I consider ‘necessary’ housekeeping tasks…other things I do let go. And I find when we do them together a)we are spending time together WHILE doing the household tasks (rather than kids running amuck while I try to do it all) and b)they get done faster so we have more time to play outside or whatever else seems more fun at the time.

We also keep things as simple as possible – simple meals, simple school lessons, not a ton of ‘projects’. My dd is 6.5 now and we do around 1.5-2 hours school/day max, including some time working with my preschooler. When she was 5 school maybe took us an hour each day, with some read alouds scattered at other times of the day added in.

I have been reflecting on this article as well – perhaps you will find it helpful too? http://fimby.tougas.net/making-a-schedule

HTH some! Hugs!

Jen

Yes, it can be very overwhelming when the kids are young….especially when hubby is away. You’ve gotten great advice.  Yes, simple is best!  For breakfast/lunch meals I’ll sometimes make double/triple batches of whole grain french toast or whole wheat waffles. Though my kids usually just have whole grain cereal or oatmeal for breakfast for simplicity. Add some fruit and it’s a simple meal.  Lunches/Dinners can be simple and healthy. Sandwhiches on whole wheat bread and veggies, whole wheat mac and cheese and veggies, eggs and fruit/veggies, refried beans and cheese on a tortilla…heat in oven 10 min. and fold over, etc.

For exercise, maybe you could find something you all could enjoy together? Playing freeze tag in the back yard or Just Dance (if you have a Wii) is great fun.  When I exercise with the kids I try to exaggerate my movements to get my heart pumping more.

It will get easier.  My kids are 10 and 13 and do most of the weekly house cleaning duties.  But I still struggle with getting it all in. I’m sitting here typing instead of exercising like I should be:)  2Flowerboys said it well…things change and we should just enjoy the season we’re in. It’s hard when kids are small. But also sad to see them grow up so fast!!  

Anyway, please allow yourself some grace.  My psychologist friend says perfection is a dangerous place to be. If you’re keeping focused on the Lord, He will direct to what’s most important in the day!  Blessings, Gina

Hi Nicole,  I don’t know that I have anything new or exciting to add.  My children are currently 10, 7, 3 and 1, and I am a military mom, as well.  Thankfully, my husband has left active duty and is currently in another state training to fly a new airplane for the guard.  He was gone pretty much always before and has been gone all summer.  He will hopefully be home more with the guard, which is why we made the switch.  As I write this, I am parenting alone, trying to sell a home, preparing for a move from Texas to Alaska, planning school for next year and trying to keep some sense of order in our home!  So no, you are not alone!  

If you ask those moms who appear to have it all together, I am sure they wouldn’t hesitate to tell you they do not!  I am actually one of those whom everyone seems to think has found a way to “get it all done.”  This is SO not the case!  I do have to have order and some level of cleanliness, as you mentioned, or I go pretty crazy.  As one pp mentioned, little ones can help a lot!  Make a list of the basics-what needs to be done in order for YOU to be able to relax and enjoy your home and family.  For me, that is a picked up house, clean kitchen, laundry somewhat contained, quiet time each day and children in bed at a good time each night.  There is more on that list, but those are the biggies.  

My 3yo empties bathroom trashes, runs a small stick vac around our kitchen and bathroom tile, takes recyles to the garage bins and helps me with various tasks.  He dresses himself in the morning and can (kind of) help with folding his blankets.  He still needs a lot of encouragement and sometimes hands-on help with these chores, but he is already doing a lot for our family.  So, as you can imagine, the older two are a huge help.  One of our struggles is trying to get everyone invested in what is going one, rather than thinking they are just “helping mom with HER work.”  It takes a lot of prodding some days, and often our school work gets pushed to the side, but I try to remind myself that character training and Bible study come first.  If that plus our daily work is all we get done, we’ve gotten a LOT done.  With your children being so young still, you can really focus on character training now, laying the foundation for later.  I would suggest Laying Down the Rails, which I actually haven’t gotten yet but will start with my 3yo this fall.  In fact, I plan to use it to take inventory of where we all need work! 

I am kind of starting to ramble here, but what I really wanted to say was just what Gina said: Give yourself a whole lot of grace.  Enjoy this time with your children.  Have the ones you can help with picking up a couple of times a day.  Don’t stress about that layer of dust on the bookshelves.  People think I have it all together, when I really just have a halfway organized home that is comfortable and peaceful (most of the time), and I put a lot of effort into relaxing and enjoying my children.  I am not naturally that way.  I am totally Type A, OCD at heart!  But it just is NOT worth it to let the things that won’t matter years down the road get me all in a dither now.  I have to hand it all over to the Lord on a daily basis.

One more thing, and then I’ll leave you alone!  Try to find a friend you can chat with once a week or even do a Bible study or book reading with.  I have a college friend who lives several states away.  We are both hs moms.  She has 3 children; I have four.  It has been very easy for us to say, “We don’t have time,” but over the years we have read and studied several books and Bible studies together.  Sometimes we would email responses to questions.  Currently (yes, in the midst of our moving, house selling craziness, I am making time!), we are reading What Women Fear-actually, we just finished the book and will chat today-and talking every couple of weeks about the two or three chapters we’ve read.  Honestly, we often end up venting about everything under the sun, but it feels good to know someone else knows, understands, has been there and IS there.

Sorry to ramble on forever.  I hope this has at least encouraged you.  Praying for you today!!

One of our struggles is trying to get everyone invested in what is going one, rather than thinking they are just “helping mom with HER work.” FROM CORIE 

How do you all move from this to actually helping for the good of the household? Any suggestions for changing their thoughts from ‘Mom’s Work’ to ‘Our Work’?

Blessings, 

Paula

What I have to ‘let go’ of is the attempt to do EVERYTHING, ALL the Time.  Instead, I try to keep on top of MOST things, MOST of the time.  I’ve learned that nothing has to be all-or-nothing.  I struggle with this need for perfection, but when I’m doing well, here is what works for me.

I tend to go in spurts.  When the house keeping gets a bit behind, I might let homeschooling slip a bit, only doing the essentials or even taking a day or two off, so that we can catch up with the house.   Then I work hard to keep to my routines so the house stays mostly on track.

When we are on a roll in our school work and really excited about a topic or activity, the house keeping might slide a bit while we focus on school.  Then we might relax on school a bit and spend some quality time just doing something fun as a family (after cleaning up as a family!)

I try to use my treadmill most days, but if I know we are going to be out for a nice long trail walk or going swimming, I might skip the morning walk to give me time to get ready.  Or, if I spent some quality time talking with my night-owl husband until way past my bedtime, I might skip the walk the next morning.  Then I’m extra diligent in making sure I do it the next day and get back on track.

Sometimes I’ll drop a few things to spend a day or two focused on getting several quality meals into the freezer so we have things to eat on the days when areas other than cooking need the most attention.

This allows me to prioritize whatever needs to be the priority that day or that week, rather than just saying “Oh well, I’m homeschooling, so we will always live in a pig sty.”  Or “I need to have a clean house, so I’ll consistently ignore my exercise so I can use that time to clean.”

Multi-tasking is also a key for me.  I listen to audio scriptures while walking on the treadmill.  I get my kids involved in cleaning so that they are learning good habits and we are spending time together.  I try to combine outdoor time and family time with something that gets me/us active.  We do ‘schoolish’ things all day long: asking each other math questions at the lunch table, calling out words while we clean for the beginning readers to identify the beginning and ending sounds, dramatizing (aka narrating) last night’s read aloud during morning playtime (my kids are all under 7yo).

For me it’s all about balance.  Each family and person will find a different balance that works for them at any particular time.  No one can do it all.  I don’t see any point in feeling guilty about that. 

Joanne

I don’t have time to read all the responses but my heart goes out to you. It gets easier as your family grows. I have 7 young children (the oldest just turned 11, the baby with special needs just turned 6 months old) and things are easier now than when I only had 3 children. Really.

No, I don’t do everything. I am better at prioritizing. Things I do fall in three categories:

Good: Things that would be nice to do but are not essential. Dusting falls in this category for me…LOL. Many things do.

Better: Important to get done today. This is where I find things like cook healthy meals, grocery shop, or do a lesson in math.

Best: Things that matter most, eternal things. This holds my relationship with God (what do I do to strengthen that relationship?), my relationship with my husband (what do I do….?), and my relationship with my children (same question…). I must work on these things every day because they are what matter most. Sometimes things in the Better category can be accomplished while nurturing these Best relationships, such as cooking and chatting with my oldest, or snuggling and reading to my little ones while also pointing out colors, letters, etc as they are interested/ready.

Most days I have to say no to things in the Good category so I can focus on Better and Best.

And there is a whole last category that activities fall into: Not Important. This, for me, holds activities like folding laundry, watching tv, social media, getting ‘time away’. I have learned that as a mother and wife I do not need “Me Time”. I need time “With God”. That fills me up and refreshes my spirit more than me time ever could.

Everyone’s categories will hold different things, and they’ll change some with time. It’s a process of letting go of the world and the world’s expectations. We are so indoctrinated by the culture around us that we can “have it all and have it now”. It’s a lie. There are seasons in every woman’s life. Now is my season to be a mother and homemaker. There are things I want and hope to do in my life that can wait until my children are grown. There are things that I need to do now that can’t wait.

And yes, I imagine someone has already mentioned having the children work alongside you in daily chores and life. You want to work yourself out of a job, training them well so they are prepared for adult life. Most of the chores in my home are now the responsibility of my children. I have a few that are just mine still, but generally I am overseeing them and coming alongside each child at different times to work with them. Work is a blessing from God and we try to approach the household work from that perspective – God gives us these daily, repetitive chores for our good.

((HUGS)) Don’t be afraid to get radical in what fits on your list of priorities. You can’t do it all and God doesn’t expect you to.

Okay, well that explains a lot!  New baby; husband gone!  My hubby has had to leave twice now when a new baby was just a few weeks old.  As if it weren’t hard enough already, add in the hormones and fatigue, and Yowza!  Definitely give yourself a HUGE break here.  Just enjoy that precious new baby.  I know you don’t need to be reminded how quickly that time goes!  I finally found the world of wrapping with this last one, and she spent most of her first year tied to mama.  It was heavenly.  🙂  Praying for you over these next few weeks!