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teen not waking on time, not finishing work
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I let my children know that they have one purpose/job…. school with their best effort. With that said, i let them knnow that if I see less than their best, then they must fix it on their time, which will supercede their fun time activities. period. no negotiations.
Just Wednesday gave my daughter, 9 a review of multiplication facts. 32 problems and she answered only half claiming she couldn’t remember the others and of the half she answered, a quarter were right. (Her father was home at the time, so you can imagine his surprise) I calmly told her that I would not accept what she turned in because I know it was not done with her best effort. The crocodile tears began…. then anger because what I am having her do is too hard…… then excuses why she couldn’t concentrate…. blah blah blah
Her dad left the room and I calmly listened and when she was done I told her that her job was to learn and give her best effort, SHE failed, which means that like any job, she doesn’t get paid, which means that she can not go horseback riding with her grandpa tomorrow UNTIL the assignment has been completed with her best effort.
Of course she cried some more then she begged to do the papers to which I explained that school was done for the day and my time was scheduled elsewhere and that I would be available in the morning at 8:00 (this is the time we usually leave to take her to her grandpa’s house) She quietly said, “but I will be late.” I replied, “you wil be absent if you choose not to do your assignment correctly.” She then made the decision to get up early and be ready at 8, on her own, she also called her grandpa and had to explain why she would be a bit late and ask if they could still go, on her own, and just as an FYI, her father was home when she repeated the assignment, much to my happiness and relief, so he got to see that she finished the assignment in about 5 minutes and made a 100!
As my husband said….Lots of drama for something so simple? Geez! and I replied….yes, but she now owns her work and respects us more!
I would love to say that she learned her lesson well and we all lived happily ever after, but this repeats itself over and over, but i have hope that I will perservere and she will not keep trying to be a slacker forever.
It is hard on the whole family, but it is her character to slack, procrastinante, and I know the consequences will be heavier and harder felt if I don’t at least try and guide her to a better choice.
Benita, you’ve gotten lots of good a advice and suggestions. I would simply echo those that say to make sure she has a clear list of expectations of her responsibilities, opportunity to meet them, and an understanding that failure to do so means forfeiture of the privilege of ballet (& any other free time activities) for however long necessary to change the unwanted behavior. I would also make sure she understood that any paid lessons missed due to laziness would need to be reimbursed by savings or chores BEFORE she could return to ballet and other activities. I do not think it a kindness to allow laziness in responsibilities, but still grant privileges like ballet, no matter how much she loves it. We all have things we enjoy doing, but often those things take a back seat to what needs doing first. Work before play.
There is also an obedience and respect issue here that seems to need pointing out. We have the God-given authority to train and nurture our children. If we allow our children to lazily neglect what they have been directed to do without consequence, we are shirking our responsibility. The child is disobedient, but so are we as parents.
I have one child who loves riding horses. She would be at the barn every day if allowed. I have another who plays golf and baseball with the same passion. I have cancelled activities for both kids (13 & 10) twice in different years for failing to meet responsibilities. The kids knew it was their choice that caused the missed activity. They weren’t happy about it, but they understood and changed how they were meeting their responsibilities in our home. It was very quickly effective.
Parenting is never easy, is it?
Blessings,
Christie
An update:
Yesterday, I calmly told her that she would have to have her checklist of chores and school work completely done in order to go to ballet. She looked at me in shock and then said, “So if I don’t have it done, I can’t go?” I calmly said “Yes, that is what I am saying.” And then I walked away.
She did everything, checked it off, showed me, and was ready early and had all of her things together ahead of schedule!
YAY! I am so happy you are finding success in this! You’re a good mom, keep sticking to your guns. ; )
-Miranda
Wonderful. It’s encouraging when we see forward progress in an area. Keep with it! Good job for staying calm. I know that’s hard at times.
Yep, shes a bright girl. 🙂 Hang in there, if she’s like mine she will have to test it again at least a few times to make sure you haven’t forgotten.
AWESOME! Way to go! I’m so happy that she decided that ballet was important enough to take you seriously and to be willing to do her lessons and chores well. YEAH!
Such great news! It proves that you are serious and she really is serious about ballet. Good job momma!
Benita, I am inspired by your diligence to train your daughter in obedience. What a blessing you are to your daughter and this forum. Thank you for bravely sharing with us your struggle and success.
Thank you all for the encouraging words. It has gone better than we could have thought. She also came home from ballet this afternoon and vacuumed her room without us asking. She helped with dinner without me asking as well. Her whole attitude is better. And… the other children, who were not really having any real issues, have all taken it up a notch as well. They catch on fast!
So, as an encouragement to others… go ahead and do the hard thing of giving consequences to teens in a calm matter of fact way. They really want it and need it – even it they act very unhappy about it at the time. It is hard, but it is worth it. I know we need to keep diligent and viligent, but I wish we had done it sooner. It is a different atmosphere here.
Thanks again!!!
I just read this article a couple of days ago:
http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2013/07/17/sleep-and-the-teenage-brain/
I found it quite interesting and while I did find it informative I still think consequences are necessary. Glad you have found a way to motivate her!
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