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teen not waking on time, not finishing work
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I am almost ashamed to admit this is an issue in our home. One of our four children – 14 dd, will not get up in the mornings. She is “soo tired”. Yet she has all the energy in the world for the myriad activities and hobbies she loves. I can hear Kevin Leman in my ear saying to allow natural consequences. You know, sorry, you didn’t get up in time- no breakfast for you, etc…
Have any of you really done that orsomething similiar and it worked? Any encouragement?
She is a good kid, but going thru this thing where she is super lazy. She is not completing her school work or her chores. I am tempted to say to her 15 minutes before leaving – “Oh, I am sorry, you didn’t complete everything on your list today so you may not go to pointe class tonight.” Do I have the nerve to do so? Not yet, apparently. Her daddy keeps saying we just have to keep working with her and encouraging her. He has been pulling her out of bed before he leaves for work! But I want the monkey on her back, not ours – if you know what I mean.
Once we tried a stint of fining money for not being to breakfast on time. The amount increased daily. She paid us $20 and no improvement. So I stopped. Obviously money is not a motivator to her.
Our other children have no problem getting up and ready. They need little to no prodding to complete their tasks. It is her.
I even had bloodwork done because she is “always tired.” She is fit as a fiddle. It’s not tiredness in my opinion. It is laziness and lack of caring about what others want from her. Funny, she is a star student in every other endeavor she does. Goes above and beyond. Makes me a little angry. Does she care that little about what we want from her?
I have an older teenage son and have not experienced this from him. I don’t think it is just a “teen thing”. I think it is a character flaw/heart issue. But I need real, tangible consequences. I am tired of stressing over this daily.
Any advice?
As for sleep…is she going to bed early enough (without books, audio input, phone texting)? I’ve read/heard for years that teens require as much sleep as toddlers…maybe even more.
Yes, I have seen this from my older kids before.
“Gosh honey, after wrangling around trying to get all your stuff done today I’m too tired to drive you to ______.” I wouldnt even tell my son directly that it was the consequence of his laziness, but I did say it with expression to make the point. He was a bright boy and he picked it up real quick. 🙂
It was quite effective but took a little while, and I had to allow this consequence when it would “hurt” the most, not when it was convenient for me or for him. Somtimes it took a couple layers of consequences. ie. We didnt go to Tae Kwon Do class consistently so he wasn’t prepared to test so his peers moved ahead and he didn’t.
The problem didn’t develop overnight and it won’t be fixed overnight, give it time for any changes to work and avoid the “I told you sos”. Those seemed to erase any lessons that might have otherwise been learned. 🙂
Hi Benita,
I think you have sort of answered your own question already. Natural consequences will work best in this situation, I think. Also, if this was a problem when she was an adult she WOULD have some pretty severe and nasty consequences. So, with all that in mind, here is the plan I would put into action.
She doesn’t get breakfast (at least not made by you) if she is not up in time for that breakfast. If she makes her own she is responsible for cleaning it all up herself. This will make her have less time for completing other things. So, if she is not finished the required responsibilities before she is supposed to be somewhere (pointe class, any extracurricular classes, outings with friends, anything out of the house, really) then she may not go with you when you leave for these things. She will need to explain to the instructors on her own why she has been missing classes. If they cannot provide make-up classes for the missed lessons, then she will need to reimburse you for those lessons if you are the ones paying for them (because she wasted that money, which was not hers). Also, if she is actually saying that she is tired then she would need to start being required to be IN her bed by however many hours or minutes she stayed in bed for in the morning. So, if she is supposed to get up at 7 but is not up until 8:30, then she would need to be IN her bed 1 and 1/2 hourse earlier than what would be her normal time for bed.
That’s what I would start with, at least. I would put increasingly narrowed restrictions on her days the longer this behaviour went on.
You will need to be pretty tough, I think. However, always speak pleasantly so that she knows she has full power to change and that these consequences are not because of your anger in any way. They are simply what happens when someone chooses these behaviours. It needs to be put all on her.
Did that make sense? This is just what I would do in this situation.
-Miranda
Someone may have already suggested this but when my kids do not get into the shower by a certain time then they miss beakfast. I have yet to enforce this consequence. Whew! Then they are very awake after they get out done with thier shower.
We have also required an earlier bed time if someone cannot get up on time – we tell them that they obviously need more sleep.
Tailor Made.-
I think I can say she is geting about 9 hours of sleep before we ask her to get up. Once in a while, it may be 8 hours. I think that is enough. Especially considering we are not asking her to rise abnormally early. We require them to be downstairs for breakfast, ready for the day, beds made at 8:30. If she went to school, she would be catching the bus at 7:15 and still not going to bed any earlier because of her ballet classes.
Curlywhirly- thanks for reminding me that it may take a whilde to change it. I told her today that she would not go to ballet unless everything was complete on her list of chores and school. You would have thought I told her the end of the world was at hand. We will see how she does.
Miranda-
I agree. We are starting to enforce the “no go to ballet unless everything is done” today.. We shall see. She was pretty upset at that realization. There will be no movie night or outings on Friday unless all of her work is done tomorrow including cleaning the train wreck she calls a bedroom. Should prove interesting. I have been matter of fact and non chalant about it. I am using every bit of self control not to respond in anger to her anger at me for the new requirements. I pray that I can maintain my composure. I know a lot hinges on that.
I really like the idea of backing up the bedtime. That will only aggrevate everything is some ways of course. She usually showers at night after ballet, but wouldn’t be able to as she would have to come home and go over her math with her daddy as he is helping her with that in the evenings and then go to bed. Then her morning gets more complicated. It could get worse before it gets better!!
Does she have a checklist written down with her personal morning routine and the time for it to be accomplished? My family is rather “all or nothing.” If we have chores and times written down, we tend to get it done. If not, we all do nothing. We need clear written expectations.
I tell my children that they won’t magically become diligent people once they hit age twenty, thirty, forty, or a hundred. (Ask me how I know.) They must work on it now, and one of the best habits to work on first is a person’s morning routine. No matter what time we wake up, there is a critical thirty minute time period upon waking that can truly define how the rest of the day will go. Also, I notice that as we work on our morning routines, we become more time aware and begin to feel that the world is turning, and things are happening around us that we want to be a part of…and we feel alive.
Maybe today you should explain briefly to her your morning expectations of her, present her with a written checklist of her morning routine, and actually do the morning routine together (really do it) sometime before tomorrow morning.
I don’t think I would discipline her yet until you have clear expectations and have worked on this together. In fact, this whole “enact the morning routine” in the afternoon would probably be so silly to her that it would make a perfect natural consequence. Well, it worked for me…a chronically late person, I had to make myself go through my wake up routine in the afternoon while my children were napping before I saw how silly I was. It is training the brain to know what to do ahead of time.
Agreeing with TailorMade. I wish I could remember what book I read it in, but it said teens need more sleep, about 12 hours. This is the same as toddlers. There could be other issues, but she may also need more sleep.
I recall hearing a Love and Logic segement about teens and getting them to get their work done. He said to tell them what needed to be done, let them know that it needed to finished that day (unless of course it needs done in a shorter time frame), and that if it isn’t finished that day that they will have to do it first thing tomorrow. Then, go and let them do it. He then told us to remember that the next day starts at midnight. If the work isn’t completed, wake them up and have them get the job done.
I’m not sure if I want to get up midnight to make sure a job is done. But just imagining the shock of the teen and the ridiculousness of it (though it is also ridiculous when they don’t accomplish what is asked of them) made me chuckle.
I’m praying all the suggestions you implement will work smoothly with her cooperation when she sees your concern for her future habits.
But,…back to the amount of sleep….no stones…I can’t exercise in the evenings, or my I’m fully charged for several hours. If you know she’s actually sleeping that long and not just in bed thinking, then maybe 9 hours is enough. Does it consistently only happen on certain days, or every day? I didn’t scroll back to see it that’s already been answered.
I’m liking that midnight is the beginning of the new day idea. I’m putting that one in my back pocket.
Actually, I think it would make more sense for our teen son if I use the sundown begins the new day tradition. Then, it interupts all the usual fun opportunities anyway and I wouldn’t have to get up, or face the problem the following day. It would be resolved before bed with no anger.
Lishe- thanks for praying. I know that will be of great help. And a comfort to me.
Janell- each child has a clipboard with a weekly chore list and a weekly school plan on a spreadsheet. Also, my husband assigned times to each activity and we have walked through it. I guess that is why I am so frustrated. And, why I feel that we are at the point of just allowing the consequences to happen no matter how unhappy they make her for a time.
Wings2fly- I have read about the 12 hours of sleep for teens before. I get it in theory, but really, who can do that? So a teen has 12 hours for all meals, family time, all school work, some down time, and a hobby including some travel time, appointments, etc… I would never have gotten half of my life lived as a teenager if I had slept 12 hours out of 24! I just don’t see it working in reality. What about teens that need to help on a farm, a family business, or must work to help support their family and themselves?
Tailor Made- I know what you mean about late exercising. But, again, if she slept 12 hours a day, she wouldn’t have time for any extra curricular stuff anyway. And her love, ballet, can only be accomplished in the evenings at this stage. In the summer, her classes and intensives are during the day. She is home by 8 on 3 weeknights that she has ballet and her bedtime is 9:30 although, admittedly, it is often 10 before lights are out.So her sleep time is 10-7. Even if she had trouble falling asleep, she would still get about 8 hours. To get 12 she would have to go to bed at 7 pm. Does anyone realistically have teens doing this?
I have asked her if she has trouble sleeping. It seems that only happens after watching a movie or spending time on a device right before bed. So we have tried to end all of that before bedtime so her brain has a chance to slow down.
I am so appreciative of all the thoughts you ladies are sharing. It has me thinking and I am encouraged.
We have late hours quite often. Farm/work related. I actually let mine sleep in if necessary. But, we do use timers if things start getting out of hand with studies. Or, they can get up on time, finish their work, and take a nap before other things. This is basically to keep the peace and avoid crankiness. Our older ones thought it odd that they should need naps. I reminded them that crankiness/inability to work at an optimum can be directly related to sleep deprivation. At least that’s how it works for me. I’m sure habit of attention is key in all of this, too.
When our older ones got/get off track, I had/have no trouble treating them like toddlers in the habits area. Short lessons, having discussions on perfect execution, etc. They do NOT enjoy that at all. So, they have to come to terms with making the necessary changes. Shorter lessons can get focus back on track, but when you point out that it will take them much longer to cover the amount of studies their age/grade requires, it becomes obvious that they need to take the reigns and quickly. I have no problem graduating my children later than their peers if they are the ones preventing themselves from finishing on time. Others may think that’s horrendous. Life skills lesson in my opinion. Their peers are usually graduated whether they have actually retained any information in the courses for which they’ve received credit, or not. They have a friend and a cousin who’ve admitted this about the school systems in which they attended. EYE OPENER! Mom wants us to learn, not just get a piece of paper for turning 18.
It’s rough while you’re going through it, but so worth the effort to find a solution. With one of our children, we had to discuss being an honest student. It had nothing to do with cheating. It had everything to do with being honest about best efforts.
There are so many good ideas in this thread. I’m certain it’s preparation for all of us when the next struggle pops up.
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