Topic | Talking about boys

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  • Misty

    So my boys have been rude, pushy, unkind and at time down right angry with eachother.  Now spring has helped a lot.  But I was talking to my pastor cause he comes from a family of 5 boys (which is what I have) hoping to gain some insight to boys.  He thought maybe learning more abou the mind of a boy would hlep me understand what they think and feel.  You have to understand I come as an only child, and my dh is 2nd to a sister who was 4 yrs older.  We don’t have much experience with this and though we pray and talk a lot., we feel there’s more going on in the male mind we don’t understand.

    I understand and know about training, but right now I really don’t think that’s what this is about or what I am looking for?  I’m probably wrong who knows.  I also understand things will not always be roses, things never are.  I just don’t understand how they can constantly argue and put eachother down. 

    My dh and I don’t talk like this to eachother.  We don’t put people down, we don’t watch things that do this.  And to be honest the only people we are with that do are my parents and we haven’t been with t hem really in a while.  Though summer is coming and we will be.

    Any thoughts would be great.  I don’t wish this to sound rude but I am really talking about “boys”, they are just different than girls.  Anything would be great.  I have watched Dobson’s Bringing up Boys but it really didn’t seem to hit my heart or mind.  Therefore I got not much out of it?

    Thanks for your thoughts.  This is something I would love prayers for also.  I just feel like I’m loosing them to there hate.  And they are with me 80% of the time in my presence or even the other 20% in my ear shot.  I do correct them every time, but maybe I’m doing it wrong?  Ahh.. well prayers, advice and thoughts would be a blessing to me. Thansk Misty


    Hi Misty,

    Sorry you’re having trouble.  Just prayed for you!  I was going to recommend the book, “Bringing up Boys.”  I don’t know if the book is any better than the video, but it helped me to at least understand that boys are just geared up differently!  But I don’t think it had much practical advice for teaching them kindness, etc. (can’t remember). 

    I don’t know if this helps, but when my kids are unkind I try to have the unkind one do a kind deed for the other one (maybe one of their chores).  And also ask them if that is how Jesus treated people.  I’m not always consistent and sometime BOTH are unkind:) 

    My son struggles with anger, and is emotional (and thoughtful, compassionate—comes out both ways:)  You may know these, but some good anger verses are: Prov. 29:11, James 1:19-20, and Eph. 4:26-27. 

    Some good arguing verses:  Prov. 18:2, Prov. 13:10, 2 Tim. 2:23-24. 

    I pulled these from “Creative Correction.”  Thanks for reminding me of these.  I’m planning on starting the SCM scripture memory system and wanted first to memorize verses that deal with character issues we deal with regularly—so I can just say what does X verse say about this behavior.  Best wishes for peace in the home:)  Gina


    Hi Misty!!


    First of all, congratulations on your family of 5 boys!  I am so jealous.  I am a step-mother to three boys (14, 11, almost 10) and I love every minute of it.  My husband and I hope to add more boys to our family as the Lord sees fit.

    Let me begin by saying that an advice I offer up is humbly done.  I am a young mother (25) and have had to learn very quickly over the last 6 years, and am still trying to learn all that I can!  I also strongly believe that every family is different, with unique children and dynamics, so what works for me may not work for you 🙂

    You mentioned how different boys are from girls, and you are so right!!  Boys, from a very young age, seem to have this inate drive to be conquerors and explorers.  They need more physical activity than girls do.  Sometimes this desire, which I believe is totally made in the image of God, can lead them to be rude, pushy, or unkind.  Not that it excuses poor behavior, but it can help explain some of the “why” behind their actions.  You mentioned that you’ve listened to Dobson’s “Bring up Boys,” but it didn’t seem to do much for you.  I would urge to keep finding books on raising boys and read all you can.  I would encourage you to read both Christian and secular books on the subject.  I’m sure that this goes against what many Christians would say, but I believe that God gives all sorts of people gifts, and you might gain something from a non-Christian author.  However, you do need to take everything you read with a grain of salt and have a firm foundation in God and what you believe so as not to be led astray by something that sounds good, but may not be Biblical.  All that being said, two great Christian books you may be interested in are “Raising a Modern Day Knight” and “Wild at Heart.”  RMDK is a book written for father’s raising boys.  It talks about the different stages a boy will go through in becoming a man and what his needs are at each age.  If you can get your hands on this, please have your husband read it!!  “Wild at Heart” is a book written to men, but I highly encourage mothers and wives to read this to gain more insight into how our great God created the men in our lives and to learn a little bit more about how they tick.

    I don’t remember how old your boys are, but with our family I have noticed that the older a child has gotten, the greater their desire for some alone time has become.  I feel like this is vitally important.  We live in a small house, so our family is ALWAYS around each other (something that for the most part we all love very much).  However, this can be a problem when one person is feeling crowded or their frustrations are running high.  We encourage our boys to come to us when they are feeling the need to be alone, and we will occupy the other children elsewhere so they can have that time alone to sort of rejuvinate themselves and come back to the family refreshed and with a calm spirit.

    I don’t know if this is true for your family, but with our boys we had a lot of tattling going on.  Mainly, it was when the boys were wrestling or playing very rough with each other.  Someone inevitably got hurt (someone is ALWAYS hurt) and they would come running and screaming over the offense.  These were never major injuries, and more often or not the intent was to get someone in trouble.  We offered them a simple solution: either stop running and tattling every time something little happened, or stop wrestling with their brothers.  That cut down on 90% of all the tattling.  Also, when tattling was happening over unecessary things we started to punish the tattler instead of the other child.  We are strong believers in our home that friends will come and go, but your siblings should be your friends forever, and we do not encourage them to throw each other under the bus.  They know that tattling is allowed ONLY if someone is doing something that could get themself or someone else seriously injured, or if they have calmly talked to the person and asked them kindly to stop doing what they were doing and explained how it made them feel.  We often talk to the kids about how to handle different situations that might arise with their siblings to help reinforce that.

    One thing I noticed with our boys is that the more I try to control them and become to worrisome with them the worse their behaviors get.  If I give them space to be boys, to run,explore, climb, jump, get muddy, experiment, do things that some parent might consider unruly or dangerous (for example-our boys climb to the top of the highest tree in our yard and go to the bathroom off the top of it.  I know many parents would chide us for that but those are the sorts of things boys like)….the more freedom they have the better behaved they are.  It also sometimes means for my husband and I learning when to interfere into sibling bickering and when to stay out.  A lot of times when I just ignore it, it will simply resolve itself over the course of a few minutes.  This is not to say that we don’t teach them what God’s word says about loving each other and how we should treat one another, because we frequent this often and when we hear hurtful words we do have them go over Bible verses on this subject.

    One last peice of encouragement that I would give you is that when you begin to feel weary and discouraged about your children’s behavior take a look at the world around you.  I garuntee you that your children are far better behaved than many other children out there.  Let that remind you of why you are training your children the way that you are, and give you that push you need to get through the hard times.



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