Spanking rules?

I would agree with others that said he doesn’t see the consequences.  If he doesn’t see/feel them, he won’t obey.  That is perfectly normal for any child.  Though we try to be consistent, they don’t always see that the consequence will always be there – therefore we still have problems.  Absolute consistency is of course better.  🙂  One thing I learned right away with Raising Godly Tomatoes is that giving them a second or third chance to obey (through counting, or even through “Did you hear me?  Did you hear me?  Once more and you’ll get X.”) just gives them that many more chances to disobey, and they know that.  They also know that when Mom is exasperated, she probably won’t be consistent, meaning that sometimes you won’t get anything and once in a while you’ll get something more severe.  But because that severe punishment is so rare, it’s worth the risk to disobey over and over again.  Does that make sense?  This is more what I have learned over the years of being a parent and reading several parenting books than what any one book/person says on the issue.

BTW, one thing that I have found to be really, really helpful is to have the rule & discipline (& a Bible passage) already written down and hung somewhere where you can always see it (we are choosing to hang the rules in each and every room, so that no matter where I am with the kids, there it is).  That way, no matter what they do, you already know how to respond immediately.  You don’t have to get angry.  Doorposts.com has the If-Then Chart that was very helpful to us (and lots of other people I know).  Raising Godly Tomatoes is of the opinion that everything they do “wrong” is in essence disobedience, and so there is only need for one reaction.  For attitude, the child goes in the “corner” until they can act civilly toward others and themselves.  (I am not good at this – I never had a corner for the child to sit in, and it never occurred to me to think outside the box and use another spot as a “corner” until very recently).

Just throwing out some more ideas for you to chew on.  Above all, pray about what God would have you do, as every child is different and only He knows what that child truly needs and what is really going on.  🙂  (((hugs)))  I know how tough 3yos can be!

I think there are some excellent articles to be found on the Gentle Christian Mother’s site – I would recommend them as well for those who choose not to spank their children, I looked at it this evening and like many of their ideas. My hubby and I were not spanked as children and saw no reason or need to do that with our own – it is a personal choice for each family to make and we chose a different path – it has worked out beautifully and so I also don’t think there is a need to spank.

Some books on child training that have really been a huge help to me are To Train Up a Child by Mike and Debi Pearl, and the No Greater Joy volumes 1, 2, 3.  You can get them on Amazon.  They explain the difference between training and discipline well.  I read these books before I knew about Charlotte Mason, but I saw that the books taught me how to train my kids in the habit of obedience.  You do not repeat a command, you enforce consequences without nagging, warning or pleading so that they will be in the habit of obeying you.  They do advocate spanking on the side of the leg so that it stings and gets a child’s attention.  The 3 volumes are examples of parents writing the Pearls for advice, and then them giving answers.  They are funny, convicting and inspiring in my opinion.  I usually leave the books by the breakfast table and I can read one little story after we finish up breakfast and that helps me stay motivated, and on top of things.  You cannot have joy in your house if your house is totally chaotic because your kids do not obey, and you are constantly barking out commands and losing your temper, and if you follow the advice in this book you will see results and quickly, but you must be consistent, as with anything.  I defiently have gone through periods of slacking with my standards, and regret that, but I can definetly say that when I am consistent, there is such good fruit.  I had 3 kids in 3 years, and I honestly think I would have gone crazy had I not had the knowledge in these books to train my children.  My kids are defiently not perfect, and neither am I, but lots of strangers stop me to tell me how well behaved my kids are.  And when they are not well behaved I know that it is my fault for being distracted and not being consistent.  One verse I often think of is Provers 29:15 “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.”  and Proverbs 19:18 “Discipline your son while there is hope, and do not desire his death.”   I also wrote out all the verses that apply to child training from the bible, and quotes from different books on the subject that I have read, and that has helped to motivate and encourage me.  The better I train my kids, the more we enjoy one another.  Smile at your kids often, and enjoy the journey.  May the joy of the Lord be your strenght. 

Pearl books have GREAT examples!

I PM’d you!

Poodlemama great idea on no words!! I seem to use a thousand to (re) explain WHY we don’t do THIS or THaT! lol

Tara

Consistency and understanding are really the key – no matter how you choose to discipline, it is the consistency that works..and starting as young as possible. Oh and must not forget patience – that is needed in a big way…..lol. Linda

Hi!  I am glad to hear that things are going better for you.  I just want to say a couple of quick things. 

One: I would like to reiterate the Godly Tomatoes or Shepherding a Child’s Heart book.  Or both! The second one gives you a step by step how to spank section.

Second: One of the biggest things I have learned as a parent is to not make a threat that you are not willing to follow through with. This may sound really simple, but so many parents don’t do this!  I have heard people tell their 3 yr olds, “Stop acting this way or you won’t get to open any of your birthday presents.”  REALLY??  Are you REALLY not going to let him open his presents??  If you are not willing to do the threat, don’t say it. 

This is still true as I parent my 17 yr old.  I have to ask myself, “Am I REALLY not going to let her go to the function?  Am I REALLY going to take away her phone, the car, her friends, etc?”  If I can stomach following through, then I say it.  It’s hard sometimes. 

For example, one rule in our house is “down you’re done,” meaning if you get down from the table FOR ANY REASON, you are done eating that meal.  This is a staple in our house and has been from day one.  I have a strong willed 9 yr old who STILL tests this policy occassionally and a 2 yr old who is just starting to learn it. It is hard to take away food from a hungry child, but I have to do it.  If I’m not willing, then I have to get rid of the rule.  This is fine, you have to rate your own tolerance for these kinds of things. 

God has gifted you especially for YOUR child.  He will respond to you based on your gifts and talents and tolerance.  Your parenting will look different than mine, but it will be perfect for YOUR child and your family. 

I just wanted to state this simple, but often overlooked, idea of being willing to follow through.  It makes you stop and really think about what you are saying instead of throwing out willy-nilly statements like they won’t get their presents.  Kids can see through this in a heartbeat and will call you on it.

Also, parenting is not easy and I don’t think it’s supposed to be.  God has used parenting and homeschooling has His main tools to refine me and make me more like Him.  Nothing has driven me to the throne of grace more than parenting and homeschooling.

I will pray that you will figure all of this out sooner rather than later as you start your parenting journey.  God Bless!

Amber