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Shaping the Will regarding social interactions
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I am just learning about ‘The Way of the Will’ and am excited about helping my 5 year old son learn to strengthen his weak will. But I need some practical help with a particular situation.
My son has impulse control problems and is aggressive. Part of that is simply being a boy and part of it may be because he has Tourette’s Syndrome. OR perhaps he simply has a weak will that needs more help than I see other children need in this area I will mention.
Besides for playing rough and losing his temper and thus hitting children when he’s upset, not getting his way or as a means to stop their annoying behavior towards him, I witnessed recently him being a social outcast amongst his fellow 3-7 year old playmates when he chose not to participate in their particular choice of play. Instead of doing what they were doing he literally hovered around the outside of the crowd and did what he could to annoy them. Snatching things from their hands, bugging them, Etc. I felt so bad witnessing this. My immediate reaction was to speak with him there and want to discipline him but I see it’s beyond that. He is helpless to help himself and I need to help him strengthen his will to do what is right. Could any one help me come up with ‘natural consequences’ for him. I was thinking of letting him know that he could not attend the next get together as a consequence.
I wish to draw him out and see if he can express to me what exactly was going through his mind during the above circumstance. I have been in prayer about this and truly feel he can be helped through Charlotte’s sane advice of strengthening a child’s will.
Please chime in with any advice, particularly any of you who have experienced the same. I really appreciate it.
I want to add that I am big on discipline and use spanking and time out. But my poor boy isn’t learning from these.
Thanks!
Hi Helen- I have an 11 yo ds with Asperger’s (high functioning autism) who has the same problem with impulse control and hitting.
One thing that does help him calm down is l-theanine. It’s an amino acid found in green tea. It comes in chewables or capsules. It’s very safe and very relaxing.
We are in the process of chelation (pulling metals slowly from his body that he got from his vaccines). We have been doing this since March and we have seen a major decline in these kind of behaviors.
But, like you, the biggest weapon is prayer. I posted this a few weeks ago. I’m sure it will help you. We just started doing this formally this past week http://simplycharlottemason.com/scmforum/topic/fantastic-article-special-needs-childrenpower-of-scripture
Nanci
My heart goes out to you and your son! I also have a 5yo boy who has some challenges in social situations, though he has no underlying medical condition at all. At home, he is a mix of behavior: kind and caring and fun and beautiful and compassionate, then mean-spirited and aggressive (he hits, pinches, and scratches though in much less frequency than before). We tried spanking but he didn’t respond well to it so we stopped. Now we use time outs and loss of privileges. When he’s with several kids, he acts like the class clown and is just wild. He gets so excited and awkward that he acts in ways that can be unpredictable. When we see him getting out of control, we pull him aside and talk to him and have him sit out, depending on what the situation is. It doesn’t always stop the problem, but many times it gives him a chance to settle down and begin anew.
What I see is awkwardness and excitment and intense feelings; and in a 5yo boy (at least my 5yo boy) it comes out in inappropriate ways. I’ve opted to keep him out of large playgroups, opting for get togethers with just one or two families. My hope is this gives him social practice and exposure without subjecting him to large groups and the challenges that come with it. My ultimate hope is that, over time, it will get better. As much as I sometimes would like him to not have these troubles, he does and I have to be patient. I want to be his advocate and that’s not always easy to do. It’s not easy, either, to figure out a 5yo from an emotional/psychological perspective.
As for a natural consequence, perhaps you could sit him out at the next get-together when his behavior takes a turn so that he has to watch the other kids play? And hopefully you have understanding friends. To me, this is nearly the biggest stressor…my fear that other kids/parents will lose patience and not want us as friends anymore. Hang in there, and I will pray for you tonight!
Thank you ladies so much! I am so encouraged by your replies. I will look into the amino acid as I am an advocate for natural therapies. You have given me hope. And thank you so much for your prayers. Tears came to my eyes knowing that I wasn’t alone and 2 moms understand my situation. Yes, I fear my son being a social outcast. But I do have very understanding friends whom I am going to request specific prayer from for my son. And I am going to request that their children pray as well. What a great chance for them to see God at work! I can’t thank you both enough for your advice and your prayers.
Oh- I am definately going to add the healing verses to our morning routine!
~ Helen
Helen, have you seen the book called “When I Feel Angry”? My best friend just bought it for her son, who is feeling a lot of anger and resentment at all the time and attention his newborn twin sisters are taking up. I thought it was a really good book and helped kids understand what they’re feeling, as well as giving some ideas for ways they can manage or redirect their anger.
Helen- please keep us updated as to how the addition of the healing verses goes.
I had been doing something similar with my son, but not on a daily basis. We just started this up last week when we started school and I’m going to do it every day.
I have an online friend who started doing the same thing a few weeks ago with her Asperger’s daughter, and she said that she’s seen amazing changes in her already! There is incredible power in God’s Word.
For the theanine, our naturopath told us we could use up to 600 mg/per day for our 11 year old, 70 lb son. There were times we had to give that much daily. Now we only use it as needed, and usually about 200- 300 mg….start with 100 mg and see if that’ll be enough. You can always give more.
Blessings,
Nanci
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