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Sad, disappointed, frustrated!
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Hi ladies,
I am in a bad place at the moment, and wondering if any of you have words of encouragement. My two oldest ds (age 15 and 13) have always been very obedient and loving kids, but lately they have gotten very defiant about doing ANYTHING that smacks of school/education over the summer (eg, finishing up their math books from last year so we can start fresh in the fall, listening to read-alouds–which they used to love to do, silent reading, etc). They also act very grouchy and slam the keyboard/mouse/Wii controller when I tell them they’ve been on Minecraft or the Wii long enough and to do something else. Today, my heart was just really broken over how they treated me with such contempt for interrupting their “screen time”. I feel like I have sort of lost them, and I don’t know how this happened! We have always had a very close, loving relationship. I feel like I don’t know what teenage boys should be doing with their time, other than gaming! I suggest all the stuff they used to love to do (biking, swimming, legos, reading, making stop action movies) and when they reject all of that I start in with chores or school! They can’t just sit around and play video games all the time!!! Right?
There is a large age gap between these two boys and my youngest boy, who is almost 6. I feel like it is so hard to give him the same kind of home and school experience as they had, which was so warm and wonderful, because he is wanting to be like them and not sit and listen to beautiful stories, color and draw, play outside, etc.
Can anyone relate or offer some advice or encouragement?
Thanks :[
Hugs to you. Sorry I don’t know about that age as mine are younger. But I do know how frustrating the Wii and computer can be. The kids rarely play them, but when we do, my dd6 keeps asking for days to play it again and I keep saying no because I want to limit it to once a week. So I can relate from that standpoint. Sometimes I think of getting rid of them all (the video/computer games)…but I’m not sure about teenagers. Hugs again. 🙂
Mine also are way younger but in my head of this happens at my house when mine are older the Wii rules will be followed or there will be none. If they can’t respect the rules you have put forth then they are not mature enough to use said item in the first place. Good luck.
Sounds like you have your hands full for sure! I don’t have any that old yet (my seven soon to be eight kids are age 12 to 1, with baby 8 due next week. Six of them are boys).
What comes to mind to me is two-fold. First, get those young men working, doing hard, physical labor every single day. I don’t care if it’s gardening, running laps, digging a hole and filling it in, or what have you. Productive activities would be better then not, so maybe training for a race or helping someone who has a lawn care business? But those men in training have bodies that are bursting with testosterone that needs directed and muscles that need used.
Second, from the first moment I got attitude about electronics or mishandling of those controllers/mouse they would lose them. Period. No discussion, no options. Honestly we’re really strict on electronics at our house. The kids get 20-30 minutes to play on Saturday. That’s it. We simply don’t feel they are worthwhile activities and have seen the effects of addiction firsthand in our extended family.
Yup – I would work out specific rules for screen time – and if the rules are broken, or if there is any attitude or disprespect to you or your dh about it – then all screens are gone for a period of time.
I also agree with Tristan – they need something physical to be doing. Are they old enough to have a summer job where you live? (Where I grew up, they would be – where I live now, they aren’t….) Some sort of project they are interested in is best – but it may be hard for them to want to be interested in anything at the same time you take the screens away……
Agree with Tristan. I would also like to point out that some people do experience anger issues when they have too much of certain types of screen times. I have one in my home who does, dh, who thankfully realizes this and stays away from games now.
My sons don’t have anger issues, yet, but there’s a definite change in attitude when they have too much screen time, and they have a much harder time amusing themselves. When they played games more, they did lose interest in other things. After they lost most of their games, they went back to being awesome kids with real world interests pretty quickly.
It’s downright scary to read about how they design these games. They’re often very open about it because they seem to think it’s cool. Many game designers design their games to have constant short term goals which are then rewarded. The brain sends out pleasurable chemicals to support more of same. DH says that this leads to feelings of accomplishment. In a very real, physical way, some of these games have addictive properties.
For all of these reasons, we’re also very strict. Our boys get a short game, something like solitaire, as a reward for good behavior during chores. On the weekends, they get a slightly longer game. Attitude loses the game for the day. Disrespect loses the game. Not getting school work or chores done loses the game.
((hugs)) I’m sorry. Praying that you get the situation under control quickly.
Wow! I can totally relate with the issue of screen time and teenage boys! I have one who is turning 17 in three weeks and one who is turning 16 in three weeks. They LOVE minecraft and pretty much anything that is not school or work. So… I just wanted you to know you’re not alone. I’d love to toss all the iDevices out of my house, but alas, my dh and dc would have a mutiny. Here’s what has worked in my house…
1) Dad sits everyone down and has a discussion about what they think is a reasonable amount of time on the devices. When they have a voice in the conversation, things tend to go better. Of course, they want 5 hours and there’s no way my dh would agree to this. But they do tend to reason through how many hours they could contribute to the upkeep of the house, reading their Bible, and generally being more productive human beings. They set a timer and when it goes off, they’re done… no arguments, conversations, whining… done. Move on.
2) Once Dad set the ground work for this, he pretty much said that anything mom needs you to do, you do it first and with a good attitude or you lose all devices. Also, any grumping or complaining or being belligerent because you’re bored and can’t figure out what to do, you lose your devices. If they complain about being bored, they are “offered” a chore. Only boring people get bored. Find something to do and become a more interesting person.
3) By helping them to set boundaries on their free time, we’re teaching them to self-regulate. Then, God willing, they won’t squander so much time when they get older. You are training a habit. Nobody wants to a habit enforced on us, but it is for their good. Keep at it!
3) Don’t lose heart. Teenage boys are weird. They smell funny. They want to be a man and they think that mom is standing in direct opposition to that goal. It’s probably less that you lost their heart and more that they are trying to be a man in all the wrong ways. My boys don’t love read alouds anymore (at least they say they don’t), but when my husband says, “tough… I’m reading the Hobbit to the whole family” they don’t get a choice. However, when its all said and done, they join in with the fun. Sadly, they aren’t cuddly and eager to please, like when they were younger. BUT when I purpose to treat them like men (not boss them like I did when they were little) and give them more choices and thank them for their help and treat with respect, they still follow me around the house and tell me the fun thing they read online or what their friend is doing. It’s just a different season. We don’t have to put up with defiant hearts or bad behavior, but the technique to get to their heart changes a little bit.
Hugs,
Jen
I agree with the others.
We don’t necessarily limit screen time, but usually have a “feeling” that it’s been long enough. My oldest is the one that enjoys video games the most; his younger brothers still enjoy being kids w/o screen time as a part of it. My oldest isn’t into tv, but just the games. My younger two do like tv, but I always remind them that they will watch w/ Dad in the evening.
I agree that they need to be physically working. My oldest understands that when he chooses to spend more time playing games I will pull him away at my discretion and will give him something physical to do AND he has to spend x amount of time with the family, no questions. My dh is my right hand man and my ds knows that. At this point, I don’t get a bad attitude..more like, “Ah, mom.” But he understands “why” like “why” we don’t eat certain foods, watch certain movies, do certain things..etc., just not good for us.
Is your dh on board with you??
I have a young son (7) who loves the games. I allow him time each day only if he earns the time by doing what he is supposed to during the day… cleaning up his messes, chores etc. then and only then does he get it and then I set a timer and so he knows when his time is up. If he gives me any kind of grief, then he loses the priviledge to earn time for a week. This has happened twice so far. So I would immediately sit them both down and explain that you do not like the behavior, you will not accept the behavior and that if they choose to exhibit the behavior in the future that you will choose to remove it for a week. You can even throw in the Good Book with the whole better to cut off that hand than have it cause you to sin.
Then follow thru….. I would also mention that they do have little eyes and ears watching them as well as His eyes and they should behave accordingly to earn the priviledge of screen time. Non Negotiable.
Then I would say that I agree with Tristan, when young adults have attitude, I always say they need bills. LOL
So with boys your age, they may be too little for bills, but not for earning respect. Put them to work and have them earn what they have been getting and are now taking for granted.
Best of Luck, recipe of love & discipline is a fickle fickle dish to make!
Thanks for all the good stuff ladies! Yes, DH is mostly on board with me, but he is also pretty inconsistent about enforcing the mutually agreed upon limits! We do use a timer (when I remember) but we still get attitude when it goes off. My Ds13 is the one who has the most trouble with anger, and coincidentally, is the one most attached to Minecraft. I agree about the physical work/exercise/play. I will make more of an effort to encourage that. I feel like I sound like a push-over,or a poor disciplinarian, but honestly, I felt like we had laid all the groundwork when they were younger and we didn’t have attitude problems until just recently. Change is hard, and I do miss my cuddly, playful, lego and bug loving little boys sometimes! But I am also proud of my young men and excited about their futures. This is a good reminder to stay consistent and to stay in prayer!
I think you were probably a great mom when they were little. I really thing the challenge is that they want to be ‘adults’ and choose what they do with their time all the time instead of mom having any say. Unfortunately they’re just not quite there yet. 🙂 I plan to tell my boys that when they can work like men they can have the same freedom daddy has. Hehehe.
I am doing a parenting devotion and this is why came up this morning. I thought it was perfect for this situation
EXPANDING AND CONTRACTING BOUNDARIES
Many parents feel compelled to give their kids access to television, video games, cell phones, and even cars before they have demonstrated responsible behavior. But holding our kids accountable helps them mature and avoids entitlement. This verse encourages us to require our kids to be faithful with the tasks they’ve been given before giving them more privileges and freedom.
As we give our kids responsibilities, they will make mistakes. This is part of the learning process. When this happens, we may have to temporarily restrict privileges. For instance, a child who is making poor grades may have his television or computer time restricted until his grades improve. Delivering reasonable consequences helps the child learn from his mistakes and become a better decision-maker in the future when his privileges are restored.
Recognize the difference between needs and privileges and be willing to lovingly hold your kids accountable.
His lord said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.’ (Matthew 25:23 NKJV)
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