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Raising Godly Tomatos
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After much recommendation, I started reading this book. I am loving it! It is giving me new ideas, motivation, and also lots of conviction thrown in there. For those of you who have read it and had success, I have a few questions regarding the “Tomato Staking” idea.
Our kids are used to having free time in the afternoons to play together in their rooms (or separately, if they prefer), and really look forward to and enjoy that time. It also gives me time to do my own chores, prepare dinner, etc. The author says you cannot do that. I’m fine with keeping my children next to me all the time, and am ready to get rid of my favorite, after-school phrase “Go play”. Truthfully, their afternoon playtime is a problem time occasionally. That’s usually when tattling, not sharing, misbehaviors occur. I know Tomato Staking will prevent those problems, but I am afraid it will also keep the children from having their creative/pretend time. I’ve noticed my children don’t always want me to watch them when they’re in the middle of an intense time of make-believe.
Did any of you run into this question yourselves? After an intense period of Tomato Staking, do you allow the children more time to themselves, once you trust them to make right choices?
With all my recent posts, I’m sure you can tell which habit we’re working on in our house!
Just wanted to bump this up…I know there are people on here that have the answer to my question. I just know it.
Hi there,
Thus far we only have one child, but after I have been keeping her close with morning/afternoon chores or schoolwork, I will let her go play at her art table or in the den area for a while and I finish up chores I need to do in that same area. Our house is laid out so I can still see and hear her when she is at the art table or in the den playing. If she starts getting out of control around the dogs or any other disobedience, I make her come sit on the floor in the kitchen with me until I feel she has gotten her self control back. We don’t talk for a while at first so she can gather herself and then we will discuss what the fruit of the spirit is and what obedience means and then usually what she was doing wrong and how she is supposed to act. Then we usually move on to doing something together again by that time since I will usually be done with my chores. When she has her free time it is on the same floor of the house that I am working in and our house is small so I can usually still hear/see her. Hope that helps alittle. 🙂
Our house is small, but the bedrooms are on the opposite side of the house from the kitchen/living room. I can hear the kids, but can’t see them. I don’t mind them bringing toys and things into the living room, but they really enjoy playing in their rooms together and by themselves. I like how you have your daughter sit on the kitchen floor when she’s been disobedient our out of control. That’s something that would be helpful for me too, I think.
My girls are 6, 4, almost 2 and 7 weeks. I know RGT says not to let them play by themselves, but I do let them. Especially when I need a nap and the 2 year old has already taken hers. I’ll put the three big girls in a bedroom and ask them to play dolls for an hour so I can rest and they do fine (most of the time). If there is fighting then I give them all a quiet time in their own bed – putting the 2 year old in her crib – they really don’t want that, so it encourages them to work out their own problems and to tolerate their 2 year old sister rather than fighting with her… it’s not ideal because the 2 year olds behavior is not corrected, but I’m a lot more tired after my fourth than after my third.
Again, if you can keep them near you, you’re going to have more success in training away bad behaviour more quickly, but I have found that my oldest two girls are especially able to play together without fighting for short periods of time – mostly I think because as soon as I hear escalated voices or as soon as someone “tells” then they are immediately separated and not allowed to be away from me to play.
Hope that’s helpful!
Rebekah
Hi Lindsey,
I’ve been wanting to post, but lacking in brain power this week!
Short answer – Yes, after a period of intense tomato staking, we loosen the ties bit by bit, but always being prepared to tighten them when needed.
Long answer –
I have 4 kids – dd9, ds6, dd3, ds9m. My 9 and 6 year olds are pretty well trained that they can go off and play together without incident, but the 3yo is not there yet. Occasionally, I will let her go with her brother and sister to the loft or out to the swings, but quite often, they bring her back because of something she’s done. So most often, she’s tomato staked with me, how tightly depends on the day – LOL. It’s rare that I have to tomato stake the 9yo and 6yo now, but it does happen on occasion.
Right now she’s working on always using a nice voice, not a mean or whiney voice and the corner is her daily friend. However, she’s so quiet in the corner (and she’s not normally), that I’ve forgotten her there more than once and the other kids come to ask if she can come out yet.
This child is my enigma and always has been. The first 2 were fairly easy to train to obey and be nice with one another, not that they are perfect by any means, but they are generally cheerfully compliant and play well together. The 3yo, well, she doesn’t do things out of defiance per se, but she repeats the same offense much more often than the others did. It’s as if she thinks the outcome might be different this time, though it never is. For example, when she was around 1.5 – 2, she would toddle about the kitchen while I made dinner and would go to the knife drawer open it and reach in. I gave her a gentle swat on the bottom and said no and redirected her. Well, 5 minutes later it would be the same thing. I began to use the “ambush” tactic mentioned in the book and she did eventually get it and gave up going for the knife drawer after many months, but this has been a scenario repeated many times in her life. With my first 2, if they repeated the same offense over and over, it would have clearly been defiance, but her heart attitude is generally not inclined to defiance, I’ve yet to put an accurate label on it.
Consistency is the key and fortunately for us, she is starting to catch on more quickly than she once did. It’s been about a week since we’ve been working on her using the proper voice and we’re starting to see improvement. Now, I must be vigilant and not let it slip or we’ll be back at square 1.
As to being a distraction to their creativity, you might try reading or some crafty thing or something while you’re in the same room. That way you can address any needed issues immediately, but you aren’t watching them like a hawk. I’ll frequently work on things for my CM co-op on the computer while my kids work on a project or play, I just have to remember to close the screen and give them my full attention as needed.
Anyway, I hope that somehow my tired brain ramblings help!
Christie
I want to read this as well. It sounds like exactly what I need! So I went to the website, and I am curious: is what is on the site the same as the print book? If so, that would save me money (obviously). LOL Or is it more of a blog/notes on the chapters? I am definitely willing to order it, though, if it’s not on the site.
The whole book is online, read it there if you’d like. I personally like having my copy in my hands, it’s very dog-eared! LOL.
Christie
We tomato-stake as well. I do allow my trustworthy children to be in a seperate room at times. Those are times when I might be in and out. I agree with Christie though more often than not I may be in the room, but on the computer etc.., I don’t allow them to play behind closed doors though. My biggest challenge is making myself be aware of the probelems before they happen or esculate. You will want to be in the same room and very aware of what they are doing (even if they don’t realize you are listening). I found in the beginning especially I wasn’t tuned into them to realize a problem was happening. Once I started correcting for those “minor” things there weren’t so many issues.
My kids have been staked with me almost all day. Right now, I’m on the laptop on the couch, and they are playing with PlayMobile at the dining table. I can see and hear everything they say. My question is this (and maybe I just haven’t gotten to this part in the book yet): if I hear bickering begin, I usually gently say something like, “Hey, let’s use kind voices, please.” Is that what I’m supposed to be doing?
Another incident during this same play time happened about 30 minutes ago: My dd5 was blowing spit bubbles and my ds6 told her to stop. She said, “You’re not my boss!” I responded, “No, he’s not, but I am. Don’t blow spit bubbles.” Because this is an issue we’ve had with her before, I also said, “If I see you blowing spit bubbles again, you will get vinegar on your tongue. Young ladies do not blow spit bubbles.” Not five minutes later, I looked up and she was blowing spit bubbles. I promptly took her to the kitchen, asked her if she knew why she was about to get vinegar on her tongue, and then applied the vinegar. I’m confident in the way I handled it, but want to know: is this the basic idea of tomato-staking?
I just want to make sure I’m doing it correctly so we can break bad behavior issues more quickly.
Thanks,
LindseyYes, Lindsey. It sounds like you’re tomato staking just fine.
Keep being consistent!Blessings,
Christie
I am bringing this back up…seems silly to post a whole new thread. I just started to read it. (I am toward the end of chapter 3)
I am unsure I want to stop my oldest ds outside time though. Does anyone else allow play with others outside? Does it thouch more on this later in the book
Also, my 2yo is very strong willed. A gentle pat on the diapered bottom will not be felt. That is a lot of cloth diaper to go through. If I were to do it harder it could harm her hips (if you understand what I am saying). Normally (prevous to the book) I do her thigh. It seems to work. I am unsure if I am understanding the point of this in the book though. It this a good alternative for a cloth diapered child?
Also, my husband does not help with dicipline at all. He expects the children to obey and wants to see the fruits of the dicipline, but does not involve himself in the process. (never has in over 8 years) It seems like it can be done by me alone, but I would like some ideas on how to get him to help in the process.
I have to say. I have read a lot of parenting books in the past. I have never agreed this much with one! You can just feel the love she has for her children as well as her desire to share that with the audience. I am excited to fininsh it!
Thanks
Stephanie
I am bringing this back up…seems silly to post a whole new thread. I just started to read it. (I am toward the end of chapter 3)
I am unsure I want to stop my oldest ds outside time though. Does anyone else allow play with others outside? Does it touch more on this later in the book?
Also, my 2yo is very strong willed. A gentle pat on the diapered bottom will not be felt. That is a lot of cloth diaper to go through. If I were to do it harder it could harm her hips (if you understand what I am saying). Normally (prevous to the book) I do her thigh. It seems to work. I am unsure if I am understanding the point of this in the book though. It this a good alternative for a cloth diapered child?
Also, my husband does not help with dicipline at all. He expects the children to obey and wants to see the fruits of the dicipline, but does not involve himself in the process. (never has in over 8 years) It seems like it can be done by me alone, but I would like some ideas on how to get him to help in the process.
I have to say. I have read a lot of parenting books in the past. I have never agreed this much with one! You can just feel the love she has for her children as well as her desire to share that with the audience. I am excited to fininsh it!
Thanks
Stephanie
Stephanie,
How old is your older child?
We, personally, do not allow the children to play with others in our neighborhood. There are a few families we go to church with, and we will allow ours to play with their kids because we know the character of their family. Still, they allow video games, and we do not; so we just tell our kids they are not allowed to play video games and hope that the other children will respect that restriction by not turning on the game machine.
As far as spanking the 2yo, I think a swat on the leg is fine. One of my children wasn’t potty trained until she was three and a half, so we couldn’t just continue spanking through the diaper and hope she got the message. Once they were potty trained, we use a wooden spoon on the bottom, never the legs or elsewhere. Small, wooden paint stirring sticks will sting the thigh, but you don’t have to use enough force to hurt your 2yo’s hips. We have never spanked with our hands because we never wanted our children to associate the same hands that love and hold them with pain. We also refuse to use a belt because I was physically abused with a belt as a child. It’s always been a paint stir stick or, now, a wooden spoon.
Not to speak ill of your dh, but I do not see how discipline can work unless the children’s father is just as involved as their mother. Of course, I do the majority of the punishment and habit training in our home because I’m the one who’s home all day. I know I have my husband’s full support in whatever consequences I choose for each offense. When he is home in the evenings and on weekends, he jumps right in with me, giving spankings, talking to the children about misbehavior, etc. We are a team, and although he is the bread winner and I am the home educator/mommy, we view our role as parents together to be sharing in the raising of the children. Even biblically, we believe the father is to have a role in the training of the children. Of course, you must submit to whatever your dh wishes, but in a submissive attitude, you can talk to him about being more involved with discipline and habit training.
- Proverbs 1:8, “Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.”
- Proverbs 6:20, “My son, keep your father’s commands and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.”
- Ephesians 6:4, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”
I love Raising Godly Tomatoes too! It has changed how I view my role as a parent in so many ways. I have actually come to enjoy tomato-staking.
Hope this is helpful,
Lindsey
Keep being consistent!
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