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Questioning quality of hsing by son??
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So, this is the situation….I have a 12 yo that is very bright, hardworking, compliant, and sweet toward his parents. Here’s the problem: He questions whether ps would/could offer him more than what I can and I think he really desires to find out. I realize that we, his parents, are in authority, and will make the decision for our family. I don’t doubt that we are able to get that point across. What really concerns me is that it seems he would rather have the “twaddle” because it’s easier/more appealing/more exciting and not the “quality.”
Are most kids like this?? Do most kids, even if they are well-behaved, desire to “see what’s out there”?? Those of you who have older kids…have they wanted to try ps, then decided not to?? Have you let them?? Would you let them?? How have you explained your choice for hsing without feeling like you are trying to “talk them out of” trying ps, not that you would let them anyway, but still??
I hope that I’m making sense. My son is well-behaved and does his work thoroughly for a 12yo, but kind of yearns to know what ps would be like (he feels he’s missing out). In his young mind he thinks that a textbook/workbook type learning is sufficient, especially since he has seen what his cousin uses.
I realize that we know what is best, but I just don’t like that feeling of him looking at me like I’m stifling him. I know that I’m not, he’s involved in so much, but he looks at ps in way to “stretch his experiences.”
He’s not a selfish kid (well, I guess we all are to a degree), but he’s not arguing with me or begging. It’s more in the way that he doesn’t understand the quality of the education/life that I/we are trying to provide. Just the fact that he would give this up for ps is very sad to me.
Am I expecting too much of an understanding from a mature 12yo?? And why does this bother me so?? If he does the work that I expect, but does not immediately see the that it is of a better quality than ps, should I still be satisfied with that??
Thanks in advance for any thoughts you may have.
My daughters were in public school until 5th grade and then we removed them to start homeschooling. We are nearly finished – just over a year to go, and they would tell you – their learning only took off when they started to homeschool and that they regret they were not homeschooled all along. I know this is not what you are asking – but it gives a perspective of what two older teens feel about PS and HS. They have frequently told me, that though the schools seem to have more to offer at times, they also don’t every allow you to have time to pursue the things that really interest you – that you have to be like a sheep and do everything everyone else does. They don’t feel they would have missed anything – and that there lives are much richer for homeschooling. I think your son’s desire is common, the grass is always greener kind of thing – but sadly the grass is not always greener. I think it is great that you are taking his feelings into consideration, what a great mom you are – it is important that we hear our children, and then talk to them about the worries and concerns they have including wanting to go to PS. Of course we are the grown ups and make the decisions of what is best in the end – but hearing and discussing his concerns is really good and he will appreciate it. Does he say what he thinks he is missing – is it sports, band, friends – all of those things can be accomplished in a hs setting? My daughters hated textbooks for a time when they left PS, then embraced them for some subjects as spines and for math and science, but in the main they love the freedom to choose the living books and the easy gentle method of learning. Most important of all they appreciated the time to do their own studies on the things that interested them and take field trips when they wanted etc. Good luck with this, I don’t think it is unusual..but that grass is not always so green – he just does not know that yet. Linda
You know the grass only looks greener on the other side of the fence because you can’t see the brown underneath like you can where you’re standing. An interesting analogy, I think. Good luck with this – I’m sure you’ll get some great advice :).
This really strikes me as a real “Prodigal Son” scenario in some ways. Like the story in Luke 15, there seems to be a great longing for something else or at least something new. Unfortunately, those types of longings often come from the voice of our adversary, Satan. He just loves to plant seeds of discontent, and he’ll water and feed them until they grow huge.
One way to help overcome this is through keeping our minds on things from above. We can better do this if we are spending daily time in prayer and reading the Word of God. Now, I wouldn’t recommend going up to your son and telling him, “This public school notion is pure nonsense! You need to take those thoughts captive, so go pray for an hour….and before you do that, read your Bible!” However, if you can subtly inquire of him, “How’s your time with the Lord going these days? Are you reading the Word and talking to Him every day?” and mention it apart from any discussion of school, you’ll be setting up a solid foundation on which he can sort things out more reasonably.
Furthermore, you might consider sitting down and reading the Prodigal Son story with him (again, apart from any mention of the schooling issue), and see if the two of you can foster some good discussion about what the son expected to find and what he actually got through his experience. Then, you can bring up the fact that you are concerned about how he perceives public school and what the realities of such a situation are. It’s fine to express firmly that the final decision rests with his parents and that you will not likely waver in that decision, but you can let him know that you are open to discussion as long as you all are prepared to “agree to disagree” and end the discussion after a time.
I will keep this in prayer and hope for a gentle, agreeable outcome for your family.
Sue
Yes, Sue, I do see this as an attack as well.
I did ask him a few minutes ago about his devo time and if he’s taken time to pray beforehand…he said that he tries, but just forgets sometimes, but enjoys his devo time. I did mention talking to God about whatever may come to mind and sharing with Him his concerns, etc. He said thanks and that he would. I didn’t mention school or anything. You have to understand…he is my easiest child, really he is, when it comes to behavior. But, with emotions, he’s a hard nut to crack. He’s so compliant that he won’t even tell you he doesn’t like something (thinking it won’t do any good anyway, don’t know why he thinks that) until so much time has passed and then he finally tells you that he doesn’t really like it and maybe never did. Sometimes I can’t even tell that he really likes something (it seems as if he’s just tolerating it), but NO, he actually loves it. Also, he will say that he has done ‘such and such’ because he knew “we” wanted him to, not because he really wanted to, like horseback riding, Sign Language, those kind of things.
He is my child that wanted to home school and I wasn’t quite ready. When I became ready he didn’t really want to anymore. Now 5 years later, he seems to wish he had stayed in ps for various reasons. I think mostly that he thinks that he would have more friends (and he probably thinks that they would all be just great). He definitely has this “idea” of how it will be and he thinks that we just hate ps (which really isn’t the case) and even if he liked it we wouldn’t, which is probably true:)
I wish I could just send him for a month (and him not like it) to really see for himself (as the Prodigal Son did) and return with a fresh and “real” perspective.
Also, I wanted to add that he’s really not a bad kid. He has been complimented in such honoring ways recently from Upwards coaches to his sensei. Compliments that you can’t buy or manufacture. I am proud of him and the head he does have on his shoulders and I feel for him. Coveting/grass is greener attacks/mind tricks are no fun. I have certainly had my share. Please pray for him…for contentment and peace.
Thanks everyone.
my3boys, all your children sound wonderful. I wanted to offer some wisdom from Sally Hohnberger realizing that no situation has a one-size-fits-all answer and we must be open to hearing God’s voice.
The situation was different but her twelve-year-old son was questioning the judgment of his parents. After some prayer they realized that reasoning would not help and told him that it didn’t really matter what he thought or what they thought. What mattered was what God thought. Since he was twelve and a young man preparing for adulthood, he needed to take responsibility to know God’s will for his life and study the topic out for himself until he knew the will of God in (this case) parental supervision for him. Then he could order his life to God’s will.
They then gave him personal study time for this. After a week, their son determined that 10-18 year-olds “still need God-fearing parents giving guidelines and input as we grow in Him.” Interestingly, in the end her son’s real issue was not parental supervision but trust and fairness. Remembering a previous post of yours, I’m wondering if there is another issue (it was loneliness, right)? Anyhow, God knows and we are praying.
I’m referring to Sally Hohnberger’s book “Parenting Your child by the Spirit” Ages 5-12.
Best,
Richele
Thank you, Richele. I get what you are saying.
This, and all things, revolve around the Lord and can not be separated, can they?? God is good to give us wisdom through his word and “online” friends:)
Yes, loneliness, has been a real burden for him. This has been a difficult thing for us to overcome, even through classes/co-op/church/family, etc. And, I can relate…I had lots of family/so-called friends/co-workers and felt very lonely at times. But, now that I’m 40 and living my very full life, I don’t get lonely like that anymore, but I can vividly recall the feelings, and it’s so sad. My husband is having a very hard time seeing his good-looking, karate-kid, responsible son feel so lonely for friends. He has almost said that he’d send him to ps just “fix” it, although we know that is not necessarily the answer (it’s a man’s quick-fix) and doesn’t always result in friends or friends you would want your kids to have.
I have asked my son about this whole issue several times, and it always boils down to friends. He really doesn’t believe me when I talk about the “friends” I had or the difficulties in ps you can encounter just to get an education. He says he enjoys the “academic” part of hsing, but not the social aspect of it, and would just like 1-2 friends that live in our town that he could see on a more reg. basis. He really thinks that ps kids are doing that, and maybe some are, but if we didn’t know the parents well enough, it wouldn’t be happening anyway.
This has left me so unsettled.
I do feel like he is my Prodigal Son, more and more, yet, without the sassiness. I’m afraid he may have to find out for himself so that he really knows and doesn’t look at us like we just had bad childhoods and his experience would be different, because he has us. I do believe he should trust our judgement and that that is God’s will for him, but I would love for him to find that out without really having to go to ps, but I guess the father in the Prodigal Son story felt the same way. How incredibly torn I feel right now. I don’t blame him for wanting friends and thinking this is the way to get them, but he’s such a good kid that has so much going for him. To have him feel that his own personal goals are worth giving up to find friends/relieve the loneliness is heartbreaking for me.
Please pray for us, for him….I don’t think I have ever felt so burdened for him in all his life. Thanks everyone. And, Richele, they are wonderful.
my3boys, oops, I meant that study to be a Bible study if I wasn’t clear. He will never leave us and the door is always open for us to lay our burdens at His feet. -r
Well, I know you know this type of thing, and that it sounds like he isn’t able to take your word for it, but public school definitely isn’t a guaranteed source of friends.
I was the “picked on kid” from about grade 4 to grade 10 (and that was through 4 schools, in different areas of our city.) In grade 11 and 12 I finally had friends again. I did have a friend in a few of those years, but it was otherwise me having my life made miserable by my “peers”. I had “fantastic” experiences… like when my 1 friend at school told me that she wasn’t going to be my friend anymore because people were bugging her because of being my friend. I cried all weekend. A couple of weeks later she was my friend again because other people still didn’t act nice to her…
Anyway – I know he doesn’t want to hear it and probably wouldn’t… but not everyone at public school has friends, and the bullying, ostracising, and just general meanness is a definite possibility.
That said – there are days I ache for my almost 8yo son who has NEVER been invited to a birthday party (except for family).
You know, one thing I’ve noticed, having been a parent of homeschooled kids and a parent of ps kids (my two older stepsons), is that when issues come up (“I’m not going to be your friend anymore” etc.), the homeschooling moms will take notice and sometimes let the other mom know what’s going on. And, ironically, socialization–the good kind that works on developing character–tends to be dealt with more in-depth with an eye toward conflict resolution. Often, when issues arose between ps friends and my stepsons, I didn’t even know the moms or the friends very well, so I only heard my stepsons’ side of things. Many of these so-called friends were really just acquaintances. It was harder to keep up with things and much more “drama” involved.
I understand the emotion connected to your son’s situation, suzukimom. My 11yo son, mildly autistic, has a hard time making and keeping friends close to his age. There are just a couple of boys (who range from 4yo to 6yo, part of two homeschooling families we know) who accept him as he is and are eager to play with him. However, he is high-functioning, so he is very aware of (and discouraged at) the fact that he is never invited to sleepovers and playdates with kids his own age. It’s hard on me, too.
I hear what you are saying Suzuki mom. My daughters were bullied and picked on for not being into the things the other kids were – they were into nature and animals and things like that, and the other kids could be brutal. We actually took them out of school for academic reasons but the bullying and lack of help from the staff to address is was another reason.
My girls were never invited to a birthday party either, but they say that it has not bothered them, they say the parties, the prom and the cheerleading are just things that play into the popularity contest attitude prevailing in the schools, and makes it even harder for some kids to fit in – they said they don’t see any of those things mattering in the big picture of life, they are just at the time feel good things for the kids involved and no-one else. I agree when I was in school in the UK many moons ago, we did not have proms, cheerleading and the like, and I never felt like I missed out on anything at all. You would be surprised how many moms have said to me “oh but your daughters will miss out on the important things like baton twirling and the prom” this always amuses me, because in a lifetime of living, these things are totally unimportant and just puff people up. So though at times I felt sad that friends were not easy to come by, at the end of the day, the girls are very grateful for the way they have been raised and if they could do it again the only thing they would do different, is homeschool from the start. I will continue to pray for you all, but I know that God will work this through and it will be ok – keep the faith and just be there for him, pray for him and with him and I am sure it will all turn out right.
Yup, I know…
the birthday party thing just kind of came up again (not that my son has mentioned it recently) because I agreed to pick up my grandson (also almost 8) from a birthday party for his mom… and of course I had the kids with me.
Actually, it was a transformer birthday party, which I really wouldn’t have wanted my son to go to from the couple of minutes I saw… there was a bag of goodies sent home (of course) which included a little nerf gun (shoots 3 nerf bullets)… the goodie bag stayed up front in the car with me while we drove him to his mom… and although I was trying to keep my grandson calmed down, of course the whole ride was how much fun it was, and also about how he loves shooting BB Guns (the nerf gun) etc… until I had to tell him that was enough about that….
sigh.
I was sitting there thinking that I’m glad that my son isn’t all exposed to that stuff all the time….
But I was also remembering back to a couple of years ago when his younger sister was invited to a birthday party (from a friend at church) and how disappointed he was and how hard it was on him….
But my son didn’t say anything about the party afterward or anything this time… so either it didn’t bother him, or he just felt it wouldn’t help to tell me.
Anyway – just feeling bad for him, when he probably isn’t even feeling bad about it.
You know I sometimes think we as mums and dads feel worse for our children because we perceive them to be unhappy about something when perhaps they are not. I think at times we all have pangs of what if I could do this or that, but for whatever reason we cannot do it – I imagine for children it is the same – I bet though that sometimes we worry too much about things that are not concerning the child as much as we may think. At the end of the day, we have to follow God’s Word and our own principles and not shy from the responsibility of that. The days of innocent little birthday parties, the type I remember as a child, with wholesome games and playing outside, are long gone – now they all seem to have themes and some wildly inappropriate themes in my book – and I would not want to be a part of that. In our street recently I overheard a mom talking about her 8 year old daughter’s Lady GaGa party – I nearly fell over having had the misfortune to see this woman on a news show a while ago – why would you want to encourage a child in that is beyond me. Still difficult as it can be God and family values and principles come first in our family.
You know, a friend of mine recently shared her experience with me. She has to decide which jr high to send her kids to now, since the charter school is limiting the number of children attending. She wants to CM homeschool. She mentioned it to her husband who was horrified that the kids would miss out on dances and other social things. They were talking to their friends who have kids in the local jr high one evening and asked their opinion of the school. The friends described it as “Sodom and Gomorah”, but agreed that the social aspect was more important than the evil for the kids. SO SAD! I just wanted to say (and couldn’t, since I wasn’t there) “remember Lot’s wife? She socialized with the people, and even though she was given a chance to be saved, she just couldn’t resist that last look at the people…”
I am not sure what to say to you about your son’s desires, hope that something will resolve soon.
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