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Potty training!?!?
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I need HELP! I don’t know what to do!!
When my son was 2.5 he wanted to use the potty so he wore big boy underpants and did great (although not perfectly of course) for about 6 months. Then he started having very frequent accidents so we went back to diapers. He is now 3.5 so for almost a year now he has gone back and forth between wanting to wear big boy underpants and diapers. He has almost exclusively been in diapers though. Every time we go back he has accidents. Constant accidents.
So he came in the other day saying that he was going to wear big boy underpants and go to the potty. He was very excited. So he did go to the potty but reverted back to going in his pants again. The vacillating back and forth is making me crazy. I even resorted to giving him an M&M for each success. (I tried stickers once too and offering a toy after several days without accidents.) (By the way, he has made it a whole day without an accident but not several in a row.) My friend with 3 kids suggested I take him to the potty every so often (say once an hour). When I told her that he throws a major fit she suggested I have him sit in time out until he’s ready to obey. Which we are trying this afternoon for the first time. And it’s not going well to put it mildly. Let’s see… He’s still throwing a fit almost an hour later. He cries, asks for a hug, etc.
Should I ONCE AGAIN go back to diapers? I don’t want to but I don’t want potty training to be such a battle either. Bedtime is a battle. Naptime is a battle. Time out itself is a battle. I mean is he supposed to sit in one place? For the whole – geez – I’d take 30 seconds? Without playing? Without getting up? Without talking? Is that possible?
This is out of control…
We have a “will” issue I know. He refuses to even sit on the potty. He refuses a lot of things – or does things he isn’t supposed to – often. I have asked him why (why oh why!?) and he says either “because I didn’t want to” or “because I wanted to”. Well there you go, right? We’re trying to tighten up around here but the potty issue is so complicated/sensitive… On one hand I feel like we need to “win” this battle. On the other hand I think maybe since it’s potty training we should just let it go. (By the way we’re trying to get him to try after 4 hours – after his nap.)
Please HELP!?!? Or as my son would say, “Pleeeeaaaaassssse, Pretty Pleeeeeeaaaassssse!” 😉
you know, most diapers these days wick away all of the moisture so when they are wet they do not even feel it…..(poop is different)
I would personally get some trainers and rubber pants (to help salvage clothes) and I would not even look back at diapers. This time EVERY time he has an ‘accident’ he feels it and it will be uncomfortable.
Also, with all of my boys cheerios in the potty were fun to aim at and helped!
Hi, I have a son who is stubborn too! Everything turned into a battle! He is just testing you! I think he can go to the potty..he just doesn’t like you telling him he should! LOL! My son too learned at 2.5 and then refused to go! We tried everything..rewards, chocolate, stickers, punishment..nothing helped!! He was just stubborn. I was at my wits end, like you, and decided to back off for a while. We didn’t say anything about it. It had been a battle for a long long time!
So, DH decided to go to the potty w/ him. (hope this doesn’t embarass anyone) but he would see dad go and then finally started to join in. I think he just finally said to himself, I am going to do this at a little over 3 yrs old! And the break from the “battle” was what he needed. He was wanting to “win” I was wanting to “win”. And it was a losing battle. You can’t make someone Potty!! You just cannot! Just like I couldn’t make him go to sleep. But I can make him have a quiet time!
When next son was ready, I was like I really don’t want to go through this again!! I purposely waited till 3 yrs of age then put him in underwear for the day. We set the timer for every 30 min…when it went off he knew it was time to go or try to go. I gave him lots of water during the day. We did this for a few days and it worked. However, he was not stubborn like his brother!!
Also, I put both of them in underwear at night w/ a pull up over it. If they went at night, it would wake them up and we would have to change underwear. This helped their body to get up when the urge strikes. They are so used to going in their diaper at night, this helps train them to get up!
And he will not always wear a diaper. He will learn to use the potty before he is 6! I know it is very, very hard. But don’t get so frustrated, embarassed, mad, upset, and ashamed. Esp if he attends nursery or SS, the pressure is on! One day it will happen! I wish I could have done it differently w/ the first one. Between the two of us we had had enough tears and hardship! I say take a break..then try again something totally different. Even though he needs to know when to obey! I agree w/ that! In his mind, he has a plan and he is going to stick it out and refuse! Same thing w/ my son!
HTH! Go eat some chocolate! 🙂
Oh the joys of the potty! I’ll share what has happened at my house. Just know that so far I’ve helped 4 children learn to use the potty, with 2 more still too young and another baby coming in a few months.
First, relax. One commentor said something so true – You can’t make them potty (pee or poop). However, you can provide no alternatives. At 3.5 with a child who has already shown he can potty, but is choosing not to, I would get rid of all diapers during the daytime. Night can be different (we have a few bedwetters and a family history of it).
Second, beg, borrow, or buy The No Cry Potty Training Solution by Elizabeth Pantley – Amazon has it for under $11 in paperback or on Kindle. It’s a great book (I love all her stuff!).
We don’t generally attempt potty training until a child is nearly 3. Then we simply have a bottom half naked child for a few days at home. The child is not allowed to go upstairs to play in bedrooms, they must stay on the main floor nearby. We bring some fun toys down, drink lots of water, and visit the bathroom every 30 minutes. During the bathroom visit the only requirement is they sit on the toilet while I read them 3 stories. Then time is up and we move on until 30 more minutes have passed.
The classic example here is my last potty trainer – Daniel wasn’t thrilled, but sat for stories. He had a few pee accidents in the morning and then finally peed in the potty during one of our scheduled visits. You could see the light turn on in his head. “Oh, that’s how I keep from getting all wet.” Within a few hours he was mostly trained. He had a few accidents in the following week, typically when he got busy playing and didn’t want to stop for a potty break. We encouraged him to go sit every hour or so for about a week, until he was doing better.
Every child is different. I had one resistant child who literally told me “I want my diapers back” and handed me the pretty underware she had been asking for. For her it was a matter of not making it a battle (I didn’t get upset), being consistent in expectations (we will sit on the potty for x stories every x minutes apart), and removing the diapers completely (no other option). Keeping them close is really important in the early days of potty training, so we also did baking projects, crafts, and other things together.
Hello, I personally prefer to clean up messy clothes than a diaper. It can be quick to change clothes, wash up, and rinse the clothes when the child is helping to clean up too. I just made sure we had up to four new outfits set aside and the washer ready.
When one of my children was continually going potty in his clothes at almost three years old, I joyfully helped this child to change and wash using only cold water for the washcloth or shower/bathtub rinse. He would also help to rinse the clothes and put the laundry in the washer. It took about two weeks…a very busy two weeks…for complete potty training. The keys for me were cheerfulness, consistency with no diapers, and cold water. I also want to encourage you to make this a non issue. Another of my sons just turned 9 and has only very recently stopped wetting his bed at night. No condemnation is a must.
Janell
Well, my 3yo at times does well with no pee accidents… and other times it is constant accidents. And I don’t think she has pooped in the toilet yet. She either waits until a diaper (for nap or night), or poops her underwear. And unlike Janell… I HATE cleaning up poopy underwear / clothes. I am sick of it.
gotta agree with Tristan on this – don’t go back to diapers during the day and just have him go pantsless. we did this here too and it worked fine!
suzukimom – I have one that did that too – and the same thing, we just ended up doing no pants until it was figured out. The other one has issues, but believe me, I have cleaned out more than my share of poopy underwear. It is disgusting – especially when you have to do it 4 or more times a DAY!
Hi, Suzukimom. I didn’t say I LOVE to clean potty clothes. I just think a diaper is ickier…and I hear you all about how challenging potty training is. When I said “joyfully helped this child change and wash,” I fully meant my attitude towards the child. We started infant potty training with the last two girls and that has been better for us. We currently have a fifteen month girl running around in a dress and pottying mostly on the floor…like now. 🙂
Janell
My ds was close to 3.5 when he potty trained….I hear in general boys develop the bladder control later than girls, then my ds just got out of night time diapers when he was 4.5. My dd was 2.5 when she trained and she has rarely had an accident, and we are about to take her out of night time pull ups once she is dry almost every night (now she is dry 50% of the time.
It sounds like this may be a control issue like others said, like a test for who’ll win the “battle of the wills” in other areas in addition to potty training. If it were me, I would pick one thing like “time out” or “bedtime” and conquer that one area first and once you have control of the time outs and nap times then start back on the potty training. I only suggest this because like others said you can’t make your ds “potty” but you can make him be in one place (a time out place or his bed for example)….even if he throws fits.
Although, I must admit that is amatuer advice as I am not a “seasoned” mom, with 2 preschooled age children only and my ds is throwing a fit and being demanding at my typing of this when he is supposed to be in his room doing a quiet activity 😉 .
We’ve had some reluctant potty trainers here too, it’s all about you deciding YOU are done with diapers. The child knows that you will go back and forth and doesn’t take any potty training seriously. They have to know you mean it, even if you still use them at night, make sure it’s clear that it’s not an option this time to go back to diapers during the day(and don’t go back on your word). We use washable training pants with covers, or no covers. I also think the reward is very important for staying dry, we focus on that, not necessarily the result in the potty. For example, I set a timer for myself to ask them if they are dry, have them check and reward with 2 M’Ms, or whatever the child likes. They get one for peeing, and two for pooping(because that’s been our problem, not the peeing). I also set a timer for when they have to go, and you are right in conquering his will in that area because whether it’s potty training or some other issue, it’s still rebellion. Potty training is not fun, but set the ground rules with him, make sure you aren’t going anywhere for a while and don’t look back! My first two took a couple weeks to be dry daily, my third was a breath of fresh air:) and my fourth was about 1 month of me being very consistent. Best wishes and we all don’t envy you:)
I didn’t have time to read all the comments, but I can share a little from my experience. I would encourage you NOT to make potty training a battle. We had a terrible time potty training dd (who is now 5.5)…she was almost 3 when we started. She is also VERY stubborn. She caught on to what she was SUPPOSED to do pretty quickly, but continued to have accidents frequently. We were on-again-off-again with her for nearly a year. It was infuriating because I knew she knew what to do, and for whatever reason JUST WASN’T DOING IT!! I made the mistake of making it into a much bigger deal that it needed to be. We tried all kinds of things from rewards to washing her bottom off in a cold shower and even spankings. I also admit that I let my frustration show far more than was good, either. Nothing was terribly successful. In the end, I sort of “gave up”. I stopped overreacting, and when she had an accident, I said “oops, I guess we’ll have to clean that up”. She had to go get the rag to wipe the floor (she did most of wiping herself – so it was her “responsibility” to clean up…although I would go behind and make sure she’d gotten it cleaned up well enough), take the wet rag and her wet clothes out to the laundry room, and go put on clean clothes. I quit making a deal out of it, and within a week or 2, we were having consistent success. This particular child still has accidents on occasion – usually in times of stress or transition – but they are very few and far between. I didn’t realize it yet at that time, but have now realized that this particular child is also a perfectionist and doesn’t like to try things that she doesn’t think she can do well. I think this played in to what was going on with her as well – she would have a couple of good days, and then have an accident that was probably truly an “accident”, and then she would give up trying for awhile. We went through that cycle for nearly a year! Making a deal out of it or trying to convince her she could do it was not really the way to go with this particular child, but giving her the responsibility for her choices was far more effective. We are in the process of training ds 3 now, taking a much more relaxed approach, and overall he is doing pretty well – not 100% there yet (after about 2months), but making good progress even though we are going through a transition time. And we are far less stressed about the whole thing which is helpful to all involved as well. =)
FWIW
Jen
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