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Older Daughters
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Do any of you have older daughters who are either doing college at home online, or are staying at home rather than leaving to do other things? I am wondering how many daughter’s stay home once high school is done, and what it is they do? It may seem like an odd question, but I know my daughter with the illness will not be able to leave home for some time and it does not worry me at all, because she needs to be well before doing a job or college – but other people are saying well what are your daughter’s doing, why are they not moving out etc,. I don’t see why the rush to move out – as long as they are growing in independence and are making inroads in that department I don’t believe it is a problem. Because of all the disruptions of the last years we still have some school to finish, but I do not understand why society feels the need to make us feel bad if our children stay at home longer. I went to a local University in the UK and was able to stay at home for those years, it was wonderful and secure, but I still had freedom to grow – is that not common here? I am a bit confused byt the attitude I am facing at the moment. Does anyone have any ideas – we are not stopping our daughter’s growing up and becoming independent, but we also have no problem with them staying at home as long as they want to – especially in the economy we have right now. Linda
My DD’s are only 5 and 7 so we aren’t dealing with that yet. But I think that as long as they are a productive member of the household and not just mooching for a free ride there is no reason that they should need to move out or any such thing.
I went to college out of state but was able to live with my grandparents. After graduation I moved back in with my parents and worked until I was married. I have never had a place of my “own” without grandparents, parents or my husband. I don’t see how this is a problem.
Especially if your DD has been ill, she should not be rushed to do anything that would hinder her recovery and progress towards complete health, even if that means no online classes for now. She can be a productive member of the family by helping with household duties as able.
Both my girls are very productive members of the household already, often making dinner, gardening and general chores. I don’t ever see them mooching, it is not in their nature. I agree we do not intend to push our daughter into anything at all until she is able, and that is one main reason why graduating high school has also been delayed – she is at the hospital so often and feeling ill most of the time, it would be unfair to put undue pressure on her. She does what she can each day, and I know her very well and can tell that she is giving all she has at the moment – so the rest of the time she spends reading, resting or learning to crochet. At times when she feels better she does a lot more – but it comes and goes and she exhausts really easily – there are likely some real medical challenges coming her way this year, so patience and time for her are important and we strongly believe that it does not matter when she starts college or a career, being fit is the most important. My other daughter has mild Cerbral Palsy. so has her own challenges and may or may not be able to drive – we are working with an occupational therapist on that – but that also will shape her future and so we are not rushing. I think they will want to stay home whether they go out to work, or pursue college at home or at a local college, and I am glad to hear that was what you did – I was beginning to think it was not considered the norm here in the USA and that we were being viewed as a bit wierd. I just really wondered how many mom and dads had young adult daughters living at home and planning to continue doing so. Linda
Linda,
Our whole society seems to be forgetting that God and family are most important, along with any kind of values! 😉 Lots of people who haven’t built a relationship with their children, or think that the minute the kid turns 18 the parenting rule is over, or that assume that all kids college age are dying to experience the “college life” don’t understand that some of us like our families, and choose to help them continue to grow and thrive in a safe place. You are not wrong to continue to bless their lives!
Don’t let the pressure make you feel bad – this situation seems to be misunderstood by many any our culture (not unlike the whole homeschooling thing), usually by people who don’t have a clue! If your family has a good relationship, is productive, and your girls are becoming more independent (that no “mooching” thing), what is the big deal? I wish that we had a snappy come back for this, but I don’t. =)
Just try to ignore the naysayers, and enjoy the girls! They will still be gone soon enough.
Sheila
It seems to me just one more example of how modern day thought is to separate children and parents. It’s as though kids can’t wait to move away from their parents, and parents feel it necessary to push them out of the nest as soon as possible. On the contrary, I feel it’s far more practical to stay with your parents through college if you can and even to stay at home until you are either married or able to purchase your own house–with a large, practical down payment!
I was much more able to help my mother with cooking, shopping, cleaning, running errands as a grown young woman, and the years I was in college and awaiting marriage & my own home were years we shared so much fun….good conversations, day trips to “girly” places my dad didn’t care for, sharing recipes and family traditions. Let me tell you (and those who insist your baby birds should fly from the nest), my mom has been gone for 13 years now, and I am so glad I had seven bonus years with her following high school.
Or maybe we’re just continuing our mission to “under-socialize” our kids, lol!
Sue
Good points ladies, we have always told the girls they are welcome to stay as long they want and when they feel the need or have the opportunity and can manage the responsibilities then we will encourage them to fly. For now though they are very content, but they too are made to feel wierd because they don’t want to do the things like hang out at the mall, or leave home as soon as possible. We are fortunate to have a great relationship and Sue like the other ladies you make very good points. I was grateful for every moment my mum and I spent together – she has been gone since 2006 and I wish we still were able to spend time together – I think our girls are just doing what they want to do for now – but outside pressure annoys me, and I know it bugs them – because we have no come back line. We like what we are doing, but we get the “Oh you need to let them get away from you” and the “oh you are ruining them by letting them stay home” – I get really frustrated, because I know what we have is special, but those on the outside of this don’t see it. I guess I just have to ignore it – but if someone has a good line, let me know. While I am having a complain, here is another one – my daughter is ill, but we have some very gossipy types in our neighborhood and my daughter wants to be private about her day to day appointments and to be honest GI issues are not comfortable to talk about…so when people are constantly asking her about herself she tends to clam up and only our dear friends know how hard she has to struggle each day. Now I am hearing all kinds of things being said about her, that she is anorexic, that she has cancer etc, and none of it is true. How can I keep her privacy but put paid to these insane rumors – she is quite a shy girl and does not wish to be discussing her bowel issues with people who are not close to us. Any ideas on that as well as the other? Linda
Linda,
I don’t have older daughters yet, but I have had a lot of comments over the years about not “letting” my kids do what others do and other nonsense. I always try to remind myself that I don’t care what others do, and I tell people that we all make our own decisions. If people push me too far, I remind them that they get to make their own decisions too. I’m always trying to be very polite to everyone and I probably answer more than I should sometimes. But it really is none of their business. Every family has the wonderful responsibility to do what is right for them, and I’m so grateful for that.
As to the neighborhood getting the wrong idea about your daughter; I’m so sorry that’s happening to your family. My nature wants to explain to people what the real problem is, but they really have to right to expect that–especially if your daughter wants to maintain more privacy.
I just wanted to mention my niece. She is so sick all the time for years now with all sorts of things. She got so tired of people asking her how she was, she stopped going to church and family get togethers and she’s gotten sort of strange. I’m not sure what my sister could have done (if anything) to help her not become this way, and I’m sure you’re looking to her future already. I just wanted to mention that when people are always asking or talking about you, it can have an effect in unexpected ways.
Best of luck! You’re in my prayers.
Oh, I just re-read my post, and I wanted to make sure it didn’t sound like I think your daughter should feel like she has to tell anyone anything just because they are gossiping about her. That’s not what I meant at all. Or that I think she would become strange because my niece did.
Sorry if it sounded that way!
Art – no I did not think that. At the barn where my daughter rides, nearly all the people know exactly what is going on, because then they can encourage her and keep an eye on her especially her instructor. They can tell when she is up to riding and when they need to let her go slow – so she talks to the people in her life that really matter – it is more the people in the neighborhood who are just acquaintances, who just are being curious or nosey – there are some awful gossips among them though, so I don’t blame her for wanting to hold her own counsel. So I don’t think she will become strange with it, as she is open with the people that are important to her. You are right it is out decision and we are all happy with the girls staying home for as long as they like, I think I feel it more for the girls who are sometimes made to feel very different by some of the comments that are made – they never really know what to say, and being teens they feel like people are judging them and us in a way that is unfair – then I feel bad for them. My daughter is already rather despondent that her best teen years are being eaten up with illness and she often feels too ill to do the things she enjoys, so it would be nice if people would just accept things and leave her be. I have said she would like her privacy respected, but I just get a look as if I am trying to hide something. When I mentioned to one of them it was likely colitis, then they gave me a barrage of questions some of which were super personal, and I just said it was not something I wanted to discuss, which got more funny looks. Close friends are different, but not everyone in the street – I think it is too much to expect to get blow by blow details. Linda
Our oldest is 19. She graduated from high school last year and is attending our local community college. She also works at Starbucks part time. She still lives at home and is not ‘planning’ on when she will be moving out. My husband and I are content with her living with us until she is ready for the next chapter of her life. Whether that is marriage (no boy so that is not happening any time soon) or she makes the decision and feels financially able to move out.
She is not a mooch, she helps with the younger kids, chores, etc. respects our family and the rules of the home. She makes sure she is home for church, does not stay out all hours of the night, is always home for family time (unless work schedule does not allow), and is part of our every day family life.
I wouldn’t have it any other way!
Blessings,
Vanessa
Vanessa that is how my daughter’s see their futures – at home and maybe doing college or working and staying at home until they are secure with a job or a husband or maybe spending time overseas. Like Sheila said, I think our society as a whole has lost the plot as far as family life goes – it seems to be a case of get rid of the kids as quick as possible…well I was not raised that way, and that is not how our family works. I think that in the not too distant future if the economy gets any worse, we will start to see generations living together again, leading independent lives, but also being a family unit and helping the generations as they are able. I personally think that will be a good thing. My aunt in Germany has her farm and living with her are her parents and her daughter with her husband and their 2 children. The son is doing military service but when that is done he will move in as well. They extended the house so that there was individual living areas, but the kitchen and downstairs is for all. It works beautifully and they all get along great. The son will continue to work the farm, the grandparents do childcare and also help where they can on the farm and in the home, and the son-in law works out of the home – his wife works on the farm and takes care of a lot of the household. Whenever I have been there I have thought how well it works. In the evenings they can spend the time together, but often they go off to their own sitting rooms and in that sense it is like an apartment. I love spending time there and am sad I can no longer do so – it is a very lovely place to be with everyone helping each other out and yet they still lead lives with independence. I think a lot of people have fogotten what family life really can be. Linda
Hi Linda,
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I hate to think that you are getting pressure from people at church?? We are finally in a church where the family unit is really encouraged and built up. They encourage ladies to excellence in the home and education so that they will make a good and equipped helpmeet. Should the Lord not bring a husband soon, they can use their skills and education to bless others. The role of the woman at home is elevated and cherished and is seen as her first priority. Given that, all of the young college-aged ladies are attending college while living at home.
I did go away to a Bible college my first year, and though it was a good learning experience, I don’t recommend it. I see now how important it is to have the supervision and guidance and protection of Godly parents when the girls hit the “dating” or courtship years. It is so valuable to be there for them, to guide them, to warn them, to be available, etc… My parents are Cuban and it used to be that a daughter was seen as ungrateful and a disgrace to her parents if she left home before marriage. My unsaved relatives gave me SUCH a hard time for it. It’s not that way any more, but maybe that was more of a Godly perspective?
Aside from just the cost issue, it just doesn’t make sense for a daughter to HAVE to leave home because she is in college. We are encouraging and exploring different options for my daughter that would be compatible with family life. There’s not one choice that we’ve come up with that would require attending away from home.
So, like someone else said, enjoy your daughters. Turn a deaf ear. You will see the fruit of your labors in the future. I can’t imagine having any regrets for encouraging them to stay home versus regrets for letting them go.
Hope this helps,
Betty
Linda,
As you know, we’re not even close to having a daughter the same age as yours are, but we have thought about this very issue. I hope and pray that my daughter desires to stay at home with us until she is married. I agree with the others…is there something magical about age 18 that society says, “OK, so when is so-and-so moving out?” I mean, honestly!
And, this is just my opinion, but I’m going to share it anyway. I think it’s just as much parents wanting their kids to move out at 18 as it is the kids wanting their freedom and to be out from under authority. I hear parents of teenage kids say all the time how they can’t wait for their child to move out because he/she sleeps in too late or stays out too late or isn’t responsible. I’m not sure how they think those patterns are going to change once they’re not living at home…
Anyway, I wouldn’t worry at all about what others say or think. They’re not the ones who have your daughters living with them; you are! They’re not physically, financially, or spiritually responsible for your girls, so I’m not sure why they even get an opinion.
{I’m a little annoyed at people who question decisions…can you tell?
}Your girls are responsible, wise, mature young women; and I can think of no greater joy than them living with you for a few more years!
Blessings,
Lindsey
Thanks Betty, I will never ever say they need to go away – it is not my nature to do so – however when they are ready and able I will let them fly as I said. I was grateful to live at home during my college years, my mum was a great support and helped me to travel the path carefully and not stumble into trouble. My husband and I are both on the same page with this – I don’t want to stifle them, but I refuse to throw them to the wolves as well. As far as we are concerned they will leave only when they are ready and able and realy want to leave – not before. Linda
Thanks Lindsey – I agree and I also get annoyed about people thinking they know better than we do. As I said it is harder on the girls when they say they are happy at home and will likely do college at home, to have neighbors teens sneer at them, and worse have the parents of these same teens tell them they will be missing out on life…that is what gets me – I hate them being undermined – even though they are comfortable with their choices, they do feel hurt when others make these comments, whether it be about illness or living at home. I am thrilled they want to stay here – I am glad they are so happy and secure in their home life. Linda
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