Need a Little Help for Baby Prep and Habits-Tristan??

Okay, I’m back! Let me say this is not something I’ve experienced with my oldest, though it does sound similar to one of mine. As always, you are the mom and will know or figure out pretty quickly if a suggestion from someone else is just not right for you/your child. 😉

I think the area that stands out to me is this:

She is a bit impulsive – starting big projects without checking with mom, doing something she thinks will be helpful(but distracts her from doing what you really want her to do), and so on. The only other thing I’m thinking is she struggles with obedience (doing what you asked/told, right away, on your terms). Really, they’re related.

I would tackle a few things. First, give her some responsibility in an area that she’ll see the result easily when she impulsively does something else instead. Choose a ‘job’ that must be done for the family. It could be setting the table, getting clothing for a younger sibling each morning, getting fresh towel and washcloth for the kitchen each day, etc. Anything that needs done and will interrupt the flow of things if it isn’t completed (I lean towards the table chores for this). When she’s gotten distracted then nobody can eat. Make a big deal about it, drawing her attention to how important her help is and praising when she DOES do her job about how helpful it is.

When you’ve asked her to do something and she doesn’t follow through you need to decide if she got distracted or if she deliberately didn’t do it (disobedience). Is she choosing to do something else she wanted to do, or is she choosing to help with something (helpful is good) but she didn’t help in the way you asked? Point out that you gave her a job and that is the one you need her help with, not whatever she impusivley chose to help with instead. Require her to go do what you asked, don’t just go ahead and do it so it gets done.

Yes, that is inconvenient for you and takes more time, but really focus on having her do what you asked.

Oh, another idea for this is to have her check with you before she ‘helps’ with something, making sure Mom wants that help done. She’s got to learn that while many things are a help to mom, the most helpful are the things you need done/ask her to help with. Sure, my daughter may get it into her head to sort the towels by color, but it would be much more helpful to me if she helped her little brother put away his clean laundry like I asked. See what I mean?

Okay, now on to the impulsive things she does, the big projects she starts, the wandering off, all of that (unrelated to helping mom). This is so hard. She’s trying to find independence and an outlet for her creativity, but you need her to do it in approved ways and at appropriate times. A few things here. First, every time she starts something like this without asking you first she needs stopped. As soon as you find her doing some ‘project’ you take the items. There is no “one more minute” to finish up, there is no “well, you started, so go ahead and paint the bedroom…etc. She loses the project either to a box, or to the trash. It’s your call there. When you remove the project point out that she is losing it because she did not ask permission to do the project first. Start really stressing that she needs permission to do these things, asking first before she gets out materials. Every time you find that she’s acted before asking she loses the materials. You can also point out, when appropriate, that the project is one you would have said “yes” to, if she had just asked permission first, but now it is a “no”.

It’s so hard!

Another thing related, talk with her about specific things she’s allowed to get out/do when you’re busy with the little ones. In her case, you may even want to make a list for her to look at. If it’s not on the list, she has to ask permission. I may not mind finding a child drawing, but finding they’ve pulled out the beads, string, glue, paint, clay, and scissors to create something would make me batty.

Also, if there are things she typically uses for her projects what about making her a special box for the items, her own ‘project box’. Make a big deal about gathering things, letting her decorate it, and putting it UP. When she wants to do a project she is only allowed to use her project box, and she can only use it by asking mom’s permission first. When she forgets to ask permission (and she will) the box disappears into mom’s closet/the garage/etc for 1-2 days. Warn her ahead of time about that consequence.

Okay, one last idea and then I need to get to bed. This one is the hardest, but it may very well be what you’ll need. Require her to stay in the same room as you. She can’t get into things without you noticing this way. It seems silly to do with someone so old, but you never know. Losing that freedom to go play somewhere else is a reminder that she needs to be asking permission before doing projects or she’ll lose her freedom to be in a different room than mom again. Then release her to play where she wants, with the reminder that she must ask permission before beginning any projects not on the ‘approved list’, or she is stuck with mom again.

And with another baby on the way, let me just say, that even at her age she’s got a lot of maturing to do, and 3 months or 6 months from now, as you work consistently on defining those things where she can help and enforcing that she must ask permission before doing other things, she’ll be a different child who will grow into her responsibilities as the big sister. It won’t happen over night, but when you look back on a month or three you’ll see changes. Self-control is so hard, bossing yourself around to do what ‘needs’ done instead of what sounds the best to you right then. We moms struggle with it, so do our kids!