Masterly Inactivity vs. Raising Godly Tomatoes

I would love to share progress and support and success stories with whomever wants to! But I must warn you, I am going to have two kids using one computer to do school all summer (Easy Peasy) so I may not have a chance to check in too often, which truly is the whole point, right? 🙂

I’ve been following this post periodically. I sorta followed RGT for a bit about a year ago but slipped off the tracks as I so often do with things in my life & this post has brought me back to looking at it again. I especially found the “H” vs “h” comment (sorry can’t recall who posted) helpful in understanding habit training. My biggest issue is ME! I know this but continue to struggle tremendously with getting myself under control. I’m pretty sure I have pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder (like super severe pms) & have been trying to address that various ways. When that is at its peak, I can go from perfectly fine to totally losing it in a matter of seconds. It’s a constant battle but on non PMDD times, I can mostly redirect my thoughts & move on. Even if I lose my cool a little during those times, I pull it together quickly & don’t stew all day about it. So, I realize this is no excuse nor do I want it to be. It is the reality of what I’m dealing with but I know God has to have provided a way out that doesn’t include me yelling at my children, my husband & oftentimes withdrawing/checking out. When I’m having the PMDD symptoms, I definitely am not disciplining as I should…either distracted (ex. trying to clean/organize the house so I don’t feel so anxious), withdrawn (just check out by getting on computer, phone) or yelling/losing my temper. I set a horrible example for my kids in this respect though I acknowledge I also have many positive traits I model. The other problem is that I’m just not consistent in my discipline otherwise. I think this is partly b/c I feel at a loss as I try to implement things but never fully do so don’t see results (of course when 1/2 the month about is gone to falling apart with PMDD symptoms how can I have been on track) then give up. Finally, I remarried in November & had been pretty much a single parent since my oldest was 2 months old (now almost 7) until I remarried. Now I have added 2 step-daughters ages 8 & 6. We have them a good bit, but they are in public school so not all day except on our weekends. Frankly, I’m just plain overwhelmed…as if the PMDD affecting my mood so much of the month, having been a single parent, sole provider for my 2 girls for so many years (terribly draining) then getting remarried & adding 2 more daughters & a husband to the mix wasn’t enough reason to feel overwhelmed lol…my 6yo step-daughter throws HUGE temper tantrums (hitting, kicking, biting, yelling ugly things, chasing the other kids down threatening to or actually attempting to hurt them, etc.) lasting oftentimes upwards of 45 mins. It is always as a result of not getting her way whether that is the kids playing hide & seek & her not wanting to take turn as the seeker when she is caught or not getting the cup she wants at dinner or being told to do her chores when she doesn’t want to. Now, my girls definitely have their behavior issues as well but fits are just not something I put up with. I had been actually dealing pretty calmly with her (disciplining but not losing it) or just turning it over to my husband as I was still getting to a place of feeling as much responsibility for how she turns out. I finally came to that place & also got fed up with her monopolizing the whole household with her behavior or seeing her put in timeout but not really ever doing timeout while my girls get spanked, made to stand with noses in corner, etc for much less disruptive, out of control (though totally unacceptable) behavior. So, she threw a fit & I tried to get her to time out resulting in being hit, kicked, bit at, etc (I’m not a big woman so she can rival me physically when she’s having a fit) & I popped her rear. Well, eventually this got back to her mother who then threatened me if I ever spanked her again (keep in mind that I know mom has a paddle she uses on her b/c of same behavior at home though mom tries to deny this) as well as seems to have communicated to my step-daughter that I’m not allowed to discipline her. I was already overwhelmed in effectively dealing with some of the discipline issues my 2 have & now really feel lost especially when my step-daughters’ mother is so difficult & threatens me (don’t know what she intends to do but makes veiled threats & has a history of violence & property destruction toward my husband). I love all my girls. I want all of them with me but cannot figure out how in the world to discipline them appropriately, effectively within the circumstances & so I feel anxious & overwhelmed which is exacerbated by the PMDD to the point I check out frequently during that time making things worse & probably adding to the insecurities my step-daughters have & setting a terrible example that is being followed by my daughters (especially my oldest). Ok, so that’s a whole lotta info you may or may not need but sometimes it helps me sort through things & also feel it makes a difference to understand the situation a person is in when providing feedback. With all this said, what are your thoughts?

Issues:

1. 3yo DD (4 in June)- I call her my “la la land child” as she is so often in her own world. So having her do chores makes me NUTS…I say, “put those shoes away” & she either acts like didn’t hear me & keeps doing whatever or looks everywere around her for the shoes except where I’m pointing or I send her to get a hairbrush so I can brush her hair & she winds up in her room changing clothes. She is mostly terrible about coming when I call or her stopping to listen to what I’m saying…occasionally does well. She’s a little tornado…into everything especially clothes as she loves to dress up (has since she was itty bitty). She is picking up on the other girls’ bad behaviors & starting to get mouthy, demanding & throw temper tantrums (which that is one thing I nip in the bud but not with the same course of action each time which would probably be more effective for stopping it altogether).

2. 6yo DD- see issues above about temper tantrums & her mom. I don’t think she’s well tended to when with mom as mom’s behavior when married to my husband was to stay in bed most the time & the older daughter has mentioned that still happening. They also I think have been frequently left with various people, & my husband used to travel a lot for work so wasn’t there to be the stability until he left that job & went to nursing school to be home with them more. I’m sure all this influences her behavior but know the best thing we can do is be structured, consistent & loving in discipline & expectations…but how?? Please do give me ideas.

3. 7yo DD- Mouthy, strong-willed & struggling with my husband providing any discipline without melting down, screeching, running to me (which results in her being put in timeout by me, instructed that she must obey him & is not allowed to come screaming to me though the goal is that I carry out most of the discipline for my girls at this point as we are transitioning). Her behavior is an issue with me, my parents (who essentially have co-parented with me due to the essential absence of her father in our lives), my husband & it sounds like pulls the mouthy behavior with her dad too (currently winds up with him about 1 1/2 days every 3 weeks). In any other setting, she’s an angel & takes on the I’m so sweet & quiet & loving mode…never get complaints about her behavior at Sunday School, Awana or “pre-school” when she went to a little program. Mouthy (& disobedient) runs from… her: “I gotta tell you something” me: “no, you need to lay down & be quiet” her: “but I gotta tell you this” me: “no” her: makes a angry sound, starts telling me anyway or starts running off at the mouth just saying whatever she can like, “I’m never going to sleep. I’m going to stay up all night”…to me telling her to go do something & her saying, “I will in a minute”, “I’m doing this first”, “well, I didn’t make that mess”, etc. & me insisting on obedience then her mouthing off, me sending to time out or popping her resulting in more mouthiness, stomping, refusal to obey, etc or even saying to my husband things like, “I don’t have to listen to you”. She also gets mad & I’ll tell her to keep her mouth closed b/c she’s starting to say ugly things toward whomever she is mad and she just keeps spouting stuff resulting in me telling her to go to timeout which is the same mouthiness, stomping, refusal to go. Many times I’m dealing with the issue/person that is related to her anger & she still has to have her little outburst (hmmm, don’t have a clue where she picked up this behavior ). In homeschooling, it is lack of attention (perfectly capable just doesn’t do it if it doesn’t suit her) & being called out for it or not getting things correct b/c of the lack of attention then getting angry b/c I correct her getting it wrong. Same type of behavior occurs. Unfortunately, most of her behaviors can be traced back to poor modeling by me. I attribute it to the fact that I’ve always had to parent under the emotional distress of my ex walking out & the back & forth on top of just general stresses of single parenthood but who knows since I had less than 2 months of being a parent before all that started. It may just be my bad attitudes though.

4. 8yo DD- same issues r/t her early years with mom & dad was traveling except she’s enough older that was really aware. While kind of good, she’s very independent but seems more in a way of she’s had to be a parent due to mom’s neglect (my husband is attentive & involved but again was traveling 5-6 days out of the week so the reason for the lack of parental presence and involvement on daily basis doesn’t matter to a young child…so still basically neglect though at least he corrected it by changing professions whereas mom continues from what I can tell from talking to the girls). She also has an attitude of being superior to the other girls & acts as if the rules or boundaries that have been set do not apply to her. For example, she grabs whatever she wants to eat without asking or considering that there are 5 other ppl in the home that share that food despite having been told to ask or that these are for everyone to share, stands right under me while I’m pouring drinks, fixing a plate, etc so she can grab the one with the most food, or the color she wants, etc or all the girls are told to leave the kitchen & she continues standing in there doing whatever until you specifically say it to her. She also makes comments (especially to the 7yo) that are either treating the others as if she’s better, jumping on them (verbally) b/c of her perception that the are saying they are better than her (might just be sharing something they got to do & she says, “So! That doesn’t make you better than me!”), trying to control what the others do (ex. we have a rule that they all share their toys, books, etc. & she will refuse to share then say they’ll break it which isn’t likely, or they don’t know how to use it so she has to do it for them even when they are perfectly capable of figuring it out or alreay know how). She tattles like nobody’s business. This is somewhat better b/c I refuse to listen to it. It was really wearing on my 7yo b/c my 8yo would be saying things more quietly (though I’d be listening in & aware) then the 7yo wouldn’t really say or do anything worse or would have a reaction to the picking & the 8yo would pop up loudly tattling or just drawing attention by saying, “stop it! Leave me alone!” I caught onto this pretty quickly & think it has mostly stopped when I’m around. She can also throw fits but these are whining, rolling around on ground & crying (no physical & no ugly talk) usually related to not getting her way but is a little different in that doesn’t occur real often & she has lots of idiosyncrasies that I think are related to insecurities so this seems to be behind some of the wanting certain things & melting down if told no- ex. is insisting on having long pants & long sleeved shirt for pjs & only certain ones will do but sometimes we don’t have them clean or she’s taken them to mom’s & not brought back then it is crocodile tears, whining for sometimes an hour or more or it moves from that issue to something else like now she’s hungry but melted down through all the time food was offered & is being sent to bed resulting in a new meltdown).

All that said, they are sweet, funny & well-behaved girls in many respects. They all have strengths as well as the issues but it often feels like either a slumber party with mass chaos of silliness, loudness, mess making (which is stressful but kinda neat to see them loving each other, bonding & having fun just want it less messy & chaotic lol) or mass chaos of fighting, temper tantrums, not listening, messes everywhere & trying (though with minimal ongoing success) to discipline. So, how would you suggest starting? I mean give me some hands-on, practical ideas. I’ve got Laying Down the Rails, RGT (online) & plenty of other parenting books but it is the taking that info & fleshing it out into a plan for my family that I can’t accomplish. Oh, we also have the Accountable Kids program which is effective in some ways but things are so chaotic when I have all 4 (even just 2 can be chaotic) that I don’t get tickets taken away or don’t check on the chores being done (8yo usually does no problem, 7yo pretty good but can get distracted by the other girls, 6yo just doesn’t do any that involve cleaning if she’s not in the mood & you don’t stay right behind her “nagging” defeating the purpose, 3yo…well, see the above issues- Ms. La La Land so have to be right there guiding her through most anything except getting dressed) so if I’m not consistent in administering the reinforcement for the chores or failure to meet rules/expectations, it does no good & is in fact detrimental. I wish some of you moms would come stay a few weeks with us & help us get it under control…call us out when we need to be, guide us

We are seeing some success as well.  My biggest challenge is to stop giving them the choice to obey versus just obeying w/o knowing the consequence.  For example, “Please pick it up now or you’ll stand at the corner.” I need to say, “Please pick it up now.”  I need to figure out the flow of the staking as well.  But tantrums from my dd6 (with special needs) have improved significantly.  And we’ve limited our play time with neighbors that have had an influence on my ds5.  My dd2 was doing really well with this but she just started this screaming thing if someone plays with “her” toy.  I’m not sure how to handle that one yet!  We are also working on the “yes, mom” like wings2fly mentioned.  We also used to count to 3…ugh, I had no idea that was training them to obey us on the 3rd time! 

I haven’t gotten my husband on board yet b/c we seem to shift discipline models frequently.  It’s probably due to us lacking consistencey but the majority of them work briefly.  I’m sticking to this one though so I’ll give him the info soon so he’s on board.