Let mom go play

Sara B., I do not know your family beyond our brief meeting at the LER a few years ago and I certainly do not assume anything about your family nor was my intent to insult you or anyone else. I was speaking in generalities and I stand by my points: 1- that in a relationship where one side is giving and one is taking, the giving side many times goes with unmet needs and 2- that both parents should be willing to care for and watch over their children no matter their age and despite their preference for an age. If one spouse needs some recharge time, then the other should be willing to meet that need. It should go both ways in a marriage, the give and take meeting one another’s needs.

You said the following,

“I am one of the more rare ones who doesn’t *need* time away, but I do enjoy it. In fact, my dh still doesn’t believe me that I don’t need to get out more.” And “He is not all take, take, take, while I give, give, give. We have an incredibly wonderful marriage where we have learned what makes each other tick, and we avoid those situations. I am newly pg again, and our youngest is 4. He’s finally to the stage where Daddy loves going places with him and doing Daddy/Son stuff. And I will have the baby for the next 3-4 years again. And that is perfectly ok with me because it’s how we work. I happen to absolutely adore the baby/toddler stage, so it actually works out quite perfectly. If I need a break from Baby, I can make a quick grocery run.”

My response – you’ve found what works in your family. You don’t need time away and you adore the baby/toddler age so it works for your husband to be a bit more hands off during that stage. Fabulous. You have worked out your own family’s give and take to meet both of your needs. The key here is that both spouse’s needs are being met.

Now imagine that neither of you were really baby/toddler people, but you love children. What then? Would it still be ok for one spouse to be hands off during a developmental stage that neither prefer? Would it be ok for either spouse to avoid spending time with the baby/toddler to give the other a break in that situation? What if the at home mom feels trapped and resentful as another poster pointed out? Shouldn’t the couple come up with a plan to help meet her need for a bit of space? Maybe the dad’s job prevents his helping more, but he agrees that the mom needs space and helps make that happen with relatives or a sitter. Fine. The needs of both parents are being taken into account, considered worthy, and dealt with appropriately.

I previously stated-

“I am certain this looks different in different families and whatever each family works out is fine, so long as there is agreement and needs of both parents are being met. What I don’t think is ok, is to give one spouse a pass based on preference. I’m sorry, but I do see that as selfish.”

Your response-

“Just please do not assume to know that all dads must be selfish to not watch their own children. I once believed those same lies that other moms kept telling me – they all thought he was being selfish – and it literally almost cost me my marriage! Once I stopped listening to the lies & worked with his personality, our marriage has only gotten stronger with every passing year. So please be careful about what you say to new moms. I know I’m not the only wife on earth who is different from the norm. Besides, I also consider it as my duty letting him lead our family. And when other moms were telling me he was selfish, it made me usurp his authority, something we are still dealing with the repercussions of now, even with a good, strong marriage.”

My response – I am sorry you felt insulted by my previous comment, but it seems you skipped over the part where I stated that it would look different in different families and so long as there’s agreement, fine. However, my point is that parents have a responsibility as parents to work together meeting the needs of their family during all stages: babies and toddlers, small kids, teens, young adult, and beyond. I’m sure many of us parents have preferences for certain ages, but we must parent through ALL of them while taking care of ourselves and our marriage. I did not lie, but shared my view based on Ephesians 5. This passage sums up what I believe about marriage better than I can state:

“22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.[a] 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

Now, as this has gotten way off topic from the original post. I will bow out of this discussion.

Blessings,

Christie

If you’re seeking hours of “Me Time” everyday or every few days, then yes, that is selfish. But getting alone and doing something that truly refreshes you and refills your tank once a week or even less is not selfish. I would say that, for those of us who are more introverted and find time alone to be energizing, it is absolutely necessary.

I love this post, which is a take on C.S. Lewis’ The Screwtape Letters:

http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2014/03/screwtape-letter-exhausted-mom/

What is refreshing for one mom might be draining for another. So if playing outside with your kids is refreshing for you, by all means, play outside! If cleaning refills your tank, then clean! If going for a walk is what you need, go for a walk. I think what those of us who are advocating for a mom’s right to “go out and play” is that this will look and feel different for different moms. Isn’t isn’t ok for someone to call me selfish for wanting time alone any more than it would be right for me to call another mom crazy or a martyr for never taking time alone or not thinking it’s something she needs.

On the rare days when our weather is nice, I enjoy going on walks with my kids or taking them to the park. I also love going to the zoo, botanical gardens, or to our friends’ home in the country. This is refreshing also. And so is grocery shopping alone. I guess I would say that the kind of refreshing we need will determine the activity we choose.

Blessings,

Lindsey