kids out of control!

I just caught up with this thread again and realized I never answered Shannon’s original questions (assuming they were directed toward me). Sorry about that! 

I’d love to hear exactly how you went about taking all the toys away.  Were they there when you took them? Or was it overnight/when they were out with someone? 

My kids had been arguing and being very selfish with one another for days and days. I was at my wits’ end, trying to figure out what started the behavior and how to stop it. I spoke to my husband and brought up the idea of taking away all of their things. He agreed that they had not heeded the warnings and corrections we had given them, and that most of their arguments were about who got to play with what, what belonged to whom, etc. We agreed that the next time there was an altercation between them, we would do it afterward. I did wait until evening, when my husband was home so that we presented a united front and I wasn’t the only “bad guy”.

Did they know it was going to happen and exactly why?

Yes, we explained the behaviors and selfishness and told them that they would be losing all of their things since they couldn’t seem to work out disagreements, choose to share, get along, etc. We did it right in front of them and actually made them help.

What did you do with the items you took? 

We had a guest room we didn’t use often, so we piled everything in there.

Did you take their bikes also?

Yes. We took everything from them except their clothes, beds, and Bibles. All of their books, stuffed animals, dress-up things, puppets, Legos. Everything. 

Was this also a complete ‘no screen’ time for them?

Absolutely! And the screen time was the last thing they got back. 

What about art supplies? 

Yes. When I say “everything”, I mean EVERYTHING.

The only options they had for “entertainment” was to play together, without toys, do chores, read the Bible, take a nap, or help me with whatever I was doing. They could go outside and play tag or hide and seek. During this time, we were re-doing part of our fence, so they spent two entire afternoons hammering nails into the old fence pickets. They collected bugs, squashed ants, picked flowers and weeds, played clapping games together, I Spy, and more. If they didn’t want to work and didn’t want to be bored, their only option was to play with each other. 

Honestly, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I actually got sad when we started giving toys back. We went on a week-by-week basis. If there had been signs of thankfulness, obedience, generosity, good attitudes, peacefulness, we would allow them to choose a couple of toys to put back in their rooms. Little by little, they earned it all back. Well, all except the things they decided to get rid of/donate/re-gift as they realized they had too much stuff anyway. 

Here’s the blog I wrote about the whole process: http://todayindietzville.blogspot.com/2012/05/life-without-toys.html

I hope I’ve answered some questions. And I hope you’ll all read the blog and see that doing something drastic doesn’t mean you’re not being gentle too. 

Hi just rolled in and cant stay long but I caught your thread and thought I would add what helps for me. We had meandering around the house. So I made them get up and do animals first. They were getting breakfast first but then it could be 10 am before they go outside. So animals first. then it was wandering around aimlessly looking for things. Pencils paper…. The list could go on. While they were trying to get ready for school. So I said Math at 10 am no matter what. We do our Bible study at breakfast. So, I decided that if they got their Math done before 11am they could take a break. If not they didn’t get one. If they didn’t get up when I told them at 8am and didn’t get dressed, animals fed, themselves fed, and Math done then they could eat during their break  AFTER MATH and before 11am. This way they are looking forward to this break. They are realizing that it is their fault if they don’t get it done. After Math we do Spelling/writing @ 11:00. this pulls them back into school. I usually don’t have a problem after that. We then do our Grammar, Geography/history, and maybe a few other things before they get lunch. They don’t usually notice the clock and we just keep working until we break for lunch. I use to have a set time for it but then it would drawl their attention away and we would be back to where we started after lunch. If they got restless or I had to take a phone call they could do their chores. Otherwise they had to finish up what they were working on. I also forgot to mention. Our bedrooms are upstairs. It is off limits during school hours unless  your day was to clean your room. So after lunch we finish up chores and before they can have a snack all chores and left over homework must be done. this snack doesn’t have to be cookies and milk. More like apples and bananas. Maybe oatmeal. DD loves oatmeal. Anyway, Then they can go and play after that. It makes my day run more smooth. Oh I almost forgot. I also plan Library days. Everything must be done before we go to the Library. You wouldn’t beleive how excited they get. I had parents comment to me how they couldn’t help but snicker about how excited my kids got over it. We also do this for Ice Skating, beach day, ice cream, even going shopping.. LOL  yes we live quite aways away from the stores so this is a big deal.  Even if they get to go over someones house and play with kids. So, if they get rewarded by these small things then they will do just about everything they can to do it.  Now everyone must do their chores to go. They also must be to my specs. in order to go. So their day can go quite fast if they are done with their math even before I get up out of bed. 🙂 It does happen.   You just have to find out what motivates them. Sometimes it is just a walk, the park, or looking down the road in the ditch for tadpoles. You would be surprised. Just remember what makes them go Ooooooooo!  

                Blessings!

I pray that God will give you the strength to not throw in the towel!

The older they are when we decide to help them turn around the longer it will take.  I encourage you to keep going.  Try to think about it not so much as taking away things, although you are obviously getting through to him loud and clear by doing so, but about reaching his heart with a desire for obedience.  At least that is my 2 cents.  

I think you have had a lot of good input.  I would just encourage you to keep going.

You are making a clear point though if he is rebelling more.  He is trying to find out if you really mean it.  If you give up then you will lose more ground than you had prior.  The only choice now, since you started to try and change things, is keep going and be consistent and show him how much you really want the change.

You can do it with God’s help.

I have 4 kids – 4,6, 10, 13. When I did everyone’s laundry, all kids folded while I read aloud. Now I only do my husband’s and mine. Dd13 does the girls and ds10 does the boys. Dd6 (no help) and ds4 (with some help) fold and put away their own. In fact, I am about to teach dd6 the whole process and then she will do her own start to finish. I assign the girls a day and the boys a day and they wash, dry, fold, and put away on that day for themselves. For something like laundry, I’d either take the team effort approach or the do your own approach. We do this with dishes too. Scrape and load your own dishes, everyone else does the jobs in the kitchen as able. Initially, I had one kid on morning dishes, one on lunch, one on dinner and same for clearing, wiping, sweeping. For the kitchen, we’re finding the all pitch in method works well. I figure we’re all responsible for dirty dishes and dirty clothes and those are BIG chores that I as an adult do to wish to tackle on my own, so my kids won’t either. They are capable and will do it alone if needed, but mostly we work together in the kitchen.

Most chores stay the same for 6 months or a year so they get really good at them. But for laundry, everyone helps all year. Chores are good for their character and training. I follow many tips from Vicki Bentley. I am sick of folding laundry too. I have been doing it for over two decades, as I’m sure you have too. But I am used to it and usually multi-task with my share: return phone calls, listen to a child read, listen to music or audio story, watch a movie when appropriate. It Isn’t so bad.

Tristan’s blog post: http://ourbusyhomeschool.com/operation-chore-training/

I was a fool and used to count to three. That only trained them in delayed obedience. We are still working on prompt obedience…we have our moments. Sometimes I clap my hands, something Michelle Duggars wrote about in A Love that Multiplies. It is a training in self-control.

Keep up the good work.

Hi Lindsey, I read your reply when you posted it last month but I just never got around to replying myself. In the time between when I asked the questions and you answered…no, about 1 hour after I asked 🙂 , I did my own toy removal.   It has been almost two months and last week they got some items back (Hot Wheels and HW track)…but it has been a disater already and they are returning to the closet.  I don’t know if I’m being too strict or too ‘me-focused’ but everything seems better without toys.  I have allowed certain things to come out for an afternoon a few times but they have to be returned.  The Hot Wheels have been out for about five days and they are all over the house, I’m constantly asking him to consolidate them and they distract him Every Single Minute of the day.  I am constantly telling him to do what he was working on and he can play afterwards.  It causes too much conflict for us so I’m putting them away again tonight.  He does do great play with them, creating new ways to put things together, attaching them to the porch, playing with them in water, etc.  It is good solid creative play and I love that.  But I think after a few days the play is less creative and the items are just scattered all over and the down-side to toys begins. 

You are welcome to look at my blog post about it (if you can forgive my dinky little blog):

http://www.quetzalacademy.blogspot.com

Lindsey, I think I’d like you if we lived near each other.  As it is, I appreciate your voice on this forum. 🙂