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Just Discouraged
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I’ve been feeling really down today.
I’m just feeling like I’m totally failing at this parenting/homeschooling thing. It just feels like everything is SO HARD, and that I’m just not measuring up at all. I’m wondering if CM makes sense for us, as sometimes I feel like we aren’t getting anywhere at all.
We have done Suzuki Violin forever. My son has just finished 5 years… and is barely into Book 2 (ie, he probably wouldn’t be put in a Book 2 group class…) – and this last year he learned 1 song. My son just finished 2 years officially, with another year where I taught her the basics, and is 1/2 way through book 1 – I think she learned 1 song maybe this year too. The teacher “dismissed” us as students.
My son can hardly narrate at all after 3 years of doing CM. It has improved (his first year, I’d get “I don’t know” or maybe the last idea of the story “the cow came home”… now I might get 3 or 4 sentences with the main points, so that has improved… but it doesn’t often seem like he remembers much later either. I don’t think he is reading at grade level. We restarted math last year – starting at the beginning with RS level B… so he is going into “grade 4” being able to add, and do a little subtraction.
My daughter is more advanced – her birthday is right at the cutoff for school, so she would have been in Kindergarten in school, (if we lived 2 miles away across the river, she probably would be put in grade 1…) – so I considered her grade 1. She can read fairly well – possibly a bit past grade level, and finished RS level B – so in that way is doing ok – but she now seems to “HATE” reading, when this time last year, she still liked to read… and I don’t think her reading has improved at all this last year. (I didn’t focus on reading with her at all last year as she could already read…. – just had some easy books in her level for her to read…)
As for habits – we have them…. – all bad! Well, maybe not ALL bad… but my kids’ rooms are disaster areas most of the time… my girls think that cleaning a room is making a path so I can get to the crib. They do chores. My son is actually very good at it – he is getting to be very helpful – and he will generally empty the dishwasher, put in any dirty dishes that may be around, get dressed without my asking – so he can then ask if he can play a game on the computer…
I’m just tired of doing all this work, suzuki, homeschool, habits of orderliness – without seeing much in the way of results.
I don’t have much time, but just wanted to give you a word of encouragement. I really believe all your efforts will be blessed, and it will pay off in the long run. Your children are so young. When our fifth child was born, our oldest was only six. I really do have an idea of how you feel. It is so overwhelming at times!
Now I have some older children to remind me – it does pay off! They are not perfect but they are amazing young people.
Every child can learn, just not in the same day, or in the same way. Somebody much wiser than me said that, and it is true.
Take heart, you are not alone in this journey.
I am so there with ya. Except in my house, MY bedroom is just as bad, too. My husband, bless his heart, doesn’t seem to know where his dresser or the closet is, and I’m not sure he realizes that his drawers open. Now I love this man dearly, and he’s an awesome dad and hubby. But I tend to laziness and slovenliness too, so as soon as he starts to slide, instead of just tidying it up myself, I just give up, and go down with him. It’ll take me all day to clean the room, and it’ll stay that way for idk, maybe 2 weeks? then the folded laundry starts to pile up, the “I could wear these khakis again” piles start piling up, the shoes and bags lay out b/c he’s left the ironing board in front of the closet doors, the kids wander in and leave books and toys, books and papers pile up, and i don’t deal with it. ugh.
my daughters’ room now is ungodly. my youngest daughter, (I call her the tornado) tipped over the art box my mom gave her for Xmas, spilling out oh, about, 827,000,000 colored sequins and baubles. no one can clean them up cuz the room is such a mess of who knows what that they are mingled into EVERYTHING and now getting tracked all over the upstairs, making their way down…
All this to say, suzukimom, I feel your pain. Can you write down all your responsibilities and prioritize, even within the “most importants?” Can you shake up your educational method a little? I LOVE CM, and my family has learned a lot by using the methods, but I am now mingling my CM favorites (great living books, narration, nature study, poetry, etc) with my favorite stand by of all curricula, Konos. I have chosen to go back to that one because it’s character trait based unit studies. Also, the hand-on projects and discovery learning approaches work really well for my kids. For example, we did Konos for 3 years. Then I needed a break, and we did 2 years of pretty faithful CM. During trimester exams, my kids couldn’t answer the questions, even after always narrating, etc. But they could tell me what we learned 2 years ago doing Konos projects & units…b/c we made A LOT of memories while doing it. I don’t know where Jessica Hulcy got her information, but she claims the children remember 20% of what they read and 80% of what they do. I don’t know, but it sure seems to have played out in my kids. I have 5 kids, one of whom is diagnosed ADHD – and he NEEDS hands-on and movement. And we all need the focus on character. So we are integrating all those great CM tactics in the Konos units I have planned for next year. I’ve chosen great literature or Biographies for each unit, will pull out Favorite Poems Old and New and Children’s Book of Virtues for each unit, will narrate after all our informational and literature reading, and try to get lots of outside time to marvel at God’s creation. PLus we’ll focus on some nature sketching and art instruction.
All this to say, maybe you need to take something away and add something new in? Maybe you need something fresh and new, something to shake everything up and help bring a breath of fresh air and fun and new memories? Maybe not Konos, but maybe just something that engages them differently, while still making use of the CM principles that are so important to you?
I know it is so hard to get it all done. I feel like I never get a break and don’t get enough help, so I sort of just rebell and stop. oi.
prayers to you,
Amy
I just wanted to say that I too feel your pain. I have broken down many times because I feel like a failure. I just can’t do it all but I sure want to. My kids aren’t perfect and their rooms are a mess. I can’t keep up with the housework, cooking healthy meals, homeschooling, family time, etc. My husband feels neglected a lot and if I break down in front of him he immediately suggests I send the kids to “regular school” which really upsets me so I try to hide how I feel. Anyway, just know that you are not alone. We just do the very best we can and hope that it all pays off in the end. Every child is different and what you are doing will make a difference, I truly believe that.
Ladies, it is wonderful to have this forum where we can be honest and share our hearts and lift each other up and comfort one another! It is clear that we have all had ( and will have again) those times when we are discouraged and feel like failures. One thing that I have found helpful when I am in that place is to think of 3 things that I am doing WELL. We get so focused on what is not going well, and we rehearse those negative thoughts over and over and over…but I am willing to bet that any mom who is called to homeschool and who loves the Lord, her husband and her family enough to worry about doing right by all of them IS doing something right! So, think of just 3 things you are doing that you feel good about and rehearse those thoughts in your mind until you feel some peace again. Then, recognizing that it is by God’s grace that any of us do anything good, pray for more grace in the next area that you really feel needs attention ( say housework, kid’s chores, habits, etc). You will have new energy and hope to tackle those difficulties when you let gratitude for past mercies and grace be your fuel! Hope this is encouraging and helpful, not preachy 🙂
Anne
I can empathize in many ways.
I told my oldest son that it does in fact hurt my feelings when he says something hateful or rolls his eyes at me. He just shrugged his shoulders.
I don’t know about anyone else, but I guess a proverbial pat on the back every now and then would be nice. My children don’t say thank you. Well, the younger ones do, but they are so easy to teach and SO EAGER, which makes teaching them a real joy. The older ones don’t ever seem to appreciate any of the effort. And when they complain about something I spent so much time preparing, it is just so discouraging.
I have to lay it all down every morning, because when those school buses start coming by … I’ll have some thoughts I know on some days. I also have a DH who is not sold out to homeschooling, so I can’t really take it all to him because he would say “well just put them back in school.” A part of him would love for me to do that I think.
I guess I just wish it wasn’t so hard and *seemingly* fruitless some days. I do believe the fruit will come to bear, even if we feel we are not seeing it now. I do hear from others (at church, scouts, etc.) how polite and well-behaved and respectful our children are, so there is fruit.
It is only by God’s grace any of us can do this. Praise Him for bearing the burdens (now if I could just remember to lay them at His throne).
Be blessed SuzukiMom and know that much of what you are giving to your children cannot be measured by any earthly standard.
I am so thankful for this post. I pray for peace and blessing….for all of you. I can feel the exact same way and I am encouraged by just reading this. Peace…
I’m new to homeschooling – going on 2nd year. Son is a 3rd grader this year – I’m a single mom that works swing shift so I know the overwhelming feeling and I too question if I am doing what’s best for the child. It was Charlotte Mason’s information that turned me onto wanting to try homeschooling my last child – the idea of character building.
Schools can teach academics – but for the most part they teach the concepts and then send the child home with piles of work to complete after their already overly burdensome school scheduled day to do more indoor work. This I believe most would agree turns out drones that have less common sense and reasoning capabilities and far too little character. So credit yourself for having the vision and courage to do something different – pray for God to give you clarrity and direction and stick with it.
I found that what has helped me is keeping things simple and keeping your eye on the prize BALANCE and to TURN YOUR CHILD ONTO THE JOY OF LEARNING. If the learning isn’t going well then maybe the materials or methods are too dry and the bridge between the information and the natural learning process built into your child are just not a good connection. Evaluate – is the child an audio, kenetic or visual learner do they become only excited if there is a lot of diversity throughout the day or hands on activities? Once you have pinpointed the natural learning style – then pray and begin the journey to seek and you shall find and knock and it will be opened onto you for those new learning materials.
Involve the child with the options (your preselected considerations for the curriculum) for the upcoming quarter. Set yourself goals on a monthly and quarterly basis for each child involve them in the developing a non monetary rewards system for sticking on tasks and commting to the goals set. This is the perfect opportunity to go over the goal planning patterns in life. My son is in soccer so I used the goal in soccer to illustrate that in life we must also set yearly and 5 year goals to help us not just drift thru life but have a life with purpose, joy, and progression (notice the word success is not used because success in and of itself does not bring JOY nor PEACE nor FULFILLMENT).
Academic Resources that will hold their attention and are easy to use –
Learn at Home – see Amazon or Ebay for the grade level for your child (lesson plans are laid out and affordable)
Time4Learning – Online computer taught use as supplement or when lessons get dry
Addition/Subtraction – 2 + 2 is not 5 (Awesome Resource – simple tricks that stick for sum memorization)
Houghton Mifflin Math Text Books (used on Amazon)
Worksheets – see free websites such as Superteacherworksheets.com or education.com
Learning Resources – Games such as SUM SWAMP, HEAD FULL OF NUMBERS, MONEY BAGS.
Phonics Zoo – I will be trying this year (ask me in 2 months how that’s going)
Writing Strands – developing a child’s creative writing skills
Draw & Write through History – and use the computer to do look ups on further info into the topic in the book as the book is very basic in the information it provides and use of computer will teach the child how to do research to gather more facts on a topic rather than trusting just one source. There is also copy work in cursive – copy the paragraph on light copy mode on copier and have child darken the text on the copy by tracing the over the cursive paragraph.
Love Charlotte Mason’s Pet Store Math for my 8 year old son – he loves understanding why math is important and getting to use it in a purposefull way. We designed our own petstore out of a box – painted it made the store logo and sign. Went to the thrift store and bought a bunch of .50 and $1.00 stuffed minature animals that matched with the store inventory sheet and put price tags on all the animals. He decided he wanted a drive thru pet store – that was hilarious but we went with it! Learning should be fun.
Spongebob Typing and Type to Learn both engaging programs – kids find them to be free time games rather than learning.
Instrument playing – check out You Tube’s Joseph Hoffman’s Piano Lessons for Kids. I actually bought his CDs very inexpensive. The CD lessons were in sequential order and my internet is slow so it worked better to buy them. Son loves learning the style is so easy to learn by even old folks like me can learn!
For character building and purposeful life skills – visit your local scout store. The handbooks have topics in bite size chapters that the kids can dig into and absorb because they are not overly wordy and they are fun to read and do. The merit badge material phamplets can be bought individually and teach life skills, woodworking, plumbing, mapping, boats, caming and on and on. Phamplets are thin enough to give concise easy to absorb and fit into curriculum spice up days.
Don’t give up – hugs and prayers for you. Sometimes when we actually write what we do – suddenly we see how much is accomplished and how much progression there has been. Through encouraging others we also encourage ourselves!
I’m not sure my reply will be full of help, but it is intended to encourage you and maybe offer a starting point. I’ve read the thread. So, I may be making suggestions for others, too, not just specifically for you, Dear Suzukimom.
On the homefront, start with small, but obvious changes. For instance, institute a “nothing gets done until all beds are made” rule. That may sound silly, but even if the rest of the room is a mess, a made bed begins to make the room look better. If done daily as a requirement before breakfast can be eaten (or, cooked,) the bedrooms will have a better appearance every day. In a few short weeks, that will have become a habit. Think of the one thing that begins to make each of the other rooms begin to take shape and make those mandatory for lunch, etc.
I’d also work on getting closer to a fairly well maintained master bedroom. This will act as your retreat, even though it may usually mean picking up after Hubby. He will appreciate it, and maybe some day even pick up after himself from time to time just to keep it nice for you, too. Keep another spot in the home peaceful for him after work. Yes, it seems we should get a break when our husbands come home, but honestly, it may not happen until the kids are grown and gone. Just remember that you will have your retreat to visit off and on during the day if only to put away a load of clothes, but the prettiness of order there will make you smile and give you a glimpse of the future. 🙂
Praise your children for each wonderful help they offer! The more hugs they receive and the more attention that is paid to beautiful, wonderful helpfulness, the more they will demonstrate these things. They want hugs and smiles and encouragement and guidance. You feel overwhelmed. So do they. If you have no idea where to start, imagine how they feel.
On outside activities… If something isn’t working for your family, except to bring distraction and frustration, lay it aside for a time. Reevaluate why the activity was being pursued in the first place. Child’s interest versus parental goal? Parental interest versus child’s goal? Is there something else that would be a better fit AFTER more important needs & goals are attained?
Focus on the positives! Remind them of their strengths in educational pursuits. If you live in a state that doesn’t require long lists of subjects, pull back to the 3 R’s for a time. Believe me, if you are having to help older students read their assignments or do their math, you will be sorry you compounded their struggles by not helping them solidify these foundational subjects. Their future educational independence depends on being able to read, write, and “cypher.”
I am by no means an expert in this area. I just know that when I have been close to consistency during various seasons, our home has been more peaceful, I have been happier, my husband has rested better, our children have enjoyed learning, and we haven’t felt as burdened. I am working toward this again. Part of that has been by changing learning resources. But, mostly it has been through prayer, getting up earlier, and continuing to move throughout the day (either physically moving to get something done, or mentally through decision making.)
It is hard to redirect habits, but it’s worth it. Changing behavior isn’t easy. I think God wants us to recognize that in ourselves in order to realize our need for Our Savior. We usually see our husband’s/children’s bad habits, but justify our own. 🙁 At least that’s the case with me. But, when I’m honest, the kids are following my lead, or just pushing the envelope as far as what my lack of discipline will also allow them to NOT do.
I’m thinking this is more of a pep talk to self situation. Heh. I better get moving, or it will end as a sermon to self with little of the day left for me to change toward good habits.
Blessings,
Becca<><
“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9
Encouragement that hard things are necessary and worth it, see bookworm’s post – http://simplycharlottemason.com/scmforum/topic/high-school-science-thats-not-apologia
A short story to illustrate…I love missionary stories and they are sometimes extreme examples, but that does not negate the daily real life examples we see around us.
Some elderly friends of ours were missionaries in Niger in Africa for decades. They were there a full 27 years before any believed in Christ. In that time, they raised 3 kids in a 17 foot converted horse trailer with a bucket for a toilet, as they traveled around with the nomadic people they were ministering to. Then for many years their children attended boarding school far away from the parents, as was typical in that generation of missionaries. 27 years, traveling the desert in a horse trailer with no A/C, kids away with no opportunity to visit them for huge periods of time, snakes, bandits and more trials than us comfortable westerners could even imagine. Was it worth it? There is a thriving group of believers in that place now due to the faithfulness our missionary friends who only retired in their mid seventies, as their health and strength has waned. Since retiring from full-time service, they have traveled back many times since and lived for months at a time in another converted horse trailer, training national believers how to reach out to their Musl!m neighbors. Yes, it was worth it.
All 3 kids of this couple grew and married and did long term mission work in Africa.
- One son, who worked in Chad with his family, was abducted by rebels and held captive for 9 months accused of being a CIA spy. Was that horror worth the souls that will be in heaven because of his willingness to serve? Yes, it was worth it.
- One of their daughters and her family, who are dear friends of ours, just had their first believer in Christ after over 20 years with the people group they work with. During those years they’ve watched one of their kids almost die many times from an immune system disease. They even planned her funeral more than once. People here in the US and in Africa have questioned why they stay, but they respond that God has not released them from His call, even if it costs their child’s life. Was it worth it – living alone in the midst of a Musl!m culture, in the desert, birthing kids, living with the diseases, etc.- was it worth it for those precious souls that now believe in Him who saves? Yes, it was worth it!
This story illustrates the faithfulness like that of Abraham. It illustrates the eternal focus which we are called to have. God doesn’t promise us easy. Indeed, it’s when life is at it’s most difficult that we are utterly dependent upon Him. It is there, at the foot of the cross, that we must daily lay down our cares while realizing He has NOT called us to a life of ease. When our burdens seem too heavy and discouragement comes, as it surely does to all of us at times, it’s time to lay it at the feet of Jesus once again. This is a d.a.i.l.y. NO an h.o.u.r.l.y. need of ours.
My simple attempt at encouragement is to remember your eternal focus and goals. All else dims in light of this. Violin, not necessary. Math, certainly most useful, but not eternal. The hearts of our kids for Christ – yes, that is what is most important. Focus on that and let the other things come into place bit by bit. After having the hearts of our kids, HABITS really and truly are the most important thing.
Be encouraged and do not grow weary. Ask family and friends to pray for you and to be as Aaron and Hur lifting Moses arms during the battle.
Hugs and blessings,
Christie
@ Mamawebb, I just had to laugh at your post. I was thinking of my bedroom as I read your post. I thought of my daughters room which had two similar things happen in there. I was cleaning out my oldest daughters room when she left for college. I can’t remember who did it at the time but we had beads explode all over the room. For what seemed eaons we were finding beads. That wasn’t the worst though.
The next time I recall a similar situation we were going threw seasonal clothing and some needed to go. Someone went threw them and they were everywhere. At the same time my daughter had a little dog pillow. You know the kind with those little beads in them??? 🙂 Yes, you can imagine….
I didn’t think that they were so sticky…. I thought they were more like a styrofoam. But Noooooooooo! They stuck to everything clothing, toys, floor, ect…. It took me forever to get them out plus the clothes ect… vaccumning just made them more magnetic with static. Nighmare! my daughter hated to see her favorite doggy pillow land itself in the garbage can because I couldn’t deal with it ever again!!!
@ suzukimom- I think we all beat ourselves up… I for one have a harder time when someone is critical. I find that I beat myself up enough but when someone else starts with the punches I just seem to take a downward spiral beating myself up. It is usually my husband that pulls me out of it. I am so lucky to have him. He reminds me where we are at and helps me realize reality and that we can’t do it all. In turn I do the same for him. I can tell if he had a bad day or something just didn’t go right. He usually tells me and we talk it out. We can either be the beater or the beaten. EX. someone ran into our newly done building. Left the wood splintered. The man felt terriable. We both tried to make him feel better. Sure it was an accident, sure it could have been much worse, Why should we beat him up with guilt. My husband will have to fix it when he has time. Which right now he has none. So, it will have to eat at him until he gets time to fix it. (funny thing is he put Boulders up so no one would go threw the shop accidently but that was the only place that didn’t have a boulder in front of it…) I told the man you know you are not perfect. Only Jesus is perfect and you are not him. So, you are gonna have to make some mistakes in your life. If this is the worst then count yourself lucky. I am sure there will be more. We both could see he was beating himself up. Why make it worse on the poor man. It won’t do any good.
So, my point is, You are trying your hardest. You are beating yourself up. If someone else seems to be doing it to you remember you are not perfect. Maybe cry a little bit because that person noticed you were not perfect. If your kids are not where they are they are not perfect either. Don’t beat yourself up or them by trying to live up to someone elses standards. Sure they may be behind but to what standards are they grading them.
I have found that when G-d closes a door he opens a window. Maybe he is opening a window in another area and you haven’t seen out the window because you are paying to close attention to the door being slammed in your face. So look for that open window!!!!
Sincerely saying that with love and to be a little on the funny so please don’t take it in the wrong way.
No more beating yourself up ok????
HOpe the rest of the day goes better for you. YOu should have heard my day yesterday you would have laughed…. The man going threw the building was just a highlight! Honest…
I could probably write several posts commenting on specific things people said – but will just do a general Thank You instead.
I am fortunate that I do have a husband that fully supports homeschooling. He does tell me that we are doing fine. (My mom, the other person that I would normally talk to, however, doesn’t agree with homeschooling – so sometimes when I’d like to talk to her, I just can’t…)
I do get compliments on how well behaved the kids are at church, and sometimes at places like the Store (althogh mostly if I only have 1 with me… lol) and at restaurants… oh, especially at restaurants! (I guess the norm for a family of 6 would be for the kids to tear the place apart, run around, trip up watresses, and make a giant mess around the table. Our kids sit quietly, eat well (although sometimes with fingers), and mostly talk quietly…)
What I really need is for my Brother-in-Law to come visit again. He came earlier this last school year (they live in a different city) while on a business trip – and spent the whole time praising them, and my parenting, and the stuff I showed him from their schoolwork, etc, etc. (He had also earlier in the year, while I was on the phone to him, told me about how my mom was raving about the kids…) – I think he remembers what it is like to have young kids (theirs are adults now) and knows that people never say that much – and has no problem telling me how he thinks I’m doing. Boy, that had me floating for a month or so – during a rough patch too – and still makes me feel good. Probably doesn’t hurt that I thought they were great (not perfect) parents too.
Anyway, I got a blessing from my dh last night, and feel a fair bit better.
Christie,
Thank you for your post. Very timely reminder for me as I am currently going through a bit of a rough, overwhelming season too (albeit for different reasons than the original poster). I think I need to save it somewhere…
Blessings,
Jen
Just wanted to let you guys know – from a discussion on an AO group where I brought up the struggles my son has been having – and looking at some of the suggested sites, etc… (even though I’ve looked at a few before…) – Well I’m fairly convinced that he has Auditory Processing Disorder. He has almost all the symptoms. My dh HATES to get kids labelled with anything (I’m not fond of it either…) – but I do think I need to try to find resources for him on this.
I already know that it is going to be hard to get resources – I was trying to get Speech Therapy for him earlier (when he was 6 – he was evaluated at ages 2.5, 3, and about 5… at 2.5 he was low-side of normal. at 3 he was also low-side of normal – not needing therapy… and at 5 he evaluated as normal (but at that point they only evaluate ability to make all the sounds…. the fact that he stammered bady didn’t interest them.
But after age 5, speech therapy is handled by the schools…. and when I contacted the Homeschool Liason – they didn’t have any resources for it! We could PAY a lot to do it privately… sigh. Maybe as this isn’t exactly speech therapy, I can get something going through the homeschool office (um, yeah, right….) – Or maybe I can contact the local school… sigh.
Check out Dianne Craft’s website for info on Auditory Processing Disorders – it’s fabulous – I’ve had several local homeschoolers experience great results with her work – it’s $60 for her manual, which seems expensive UNLESS you’re comparing it to weekly private speech therapy! See if you can find it used – we were able to. I’m going to be using it this fall for my daughter who is showing symptoms of dyslexia – one of the great things, is that if you’re able to do it on your own, you don’t have to have your child labeled.
Also – if you need permission to quit violin lessons – I give you permission.
That’s not to say that some things aren’t worth perservering even through pain and suffering, but it’s ok to take a break.And your husband sounds great! One thing I did with mine, that helped me to let go of some things that we were struggling with was to give him the list of subjects from the SCM planning guide – the one where you rank the subjects from 1-5, I let him rank subjects, so I would know what was important to him and guess what – some of the things that I had ranked a five were things we were struggling with and he’d only given them a two or a three – so that told me, it was ok to let them go and that I should be giving first priority to the things that my husband wanted the kids to learn. Very helpful and encouraging!
Have to run – hope it sounds coherent, not rereading before I send!
Rebekah
That’s not to say that some things aren’t worth perservering even through pain and suffering, but it’s ok to take a break.- The topic ‘Just Discouraged’ is closed to new replies.