Is this narration too long?? Please advise.

This narration is from my 9yo.  I wrote as he narrated, then typed it out so he could put it in his notebook.  Is this narration too long?  Should he be or not be “speaking” for the characters??  And,  is this considered “in his own words”?  And, he loves changing his voice to fit the characters and “how” the characters would’ve sounded if they were really speaking.  I put the “speaking” parts in quoatation marks because he asked me if I got that “so and so” said whatever.   If you can make it through the whole narration, please give me some feedback.  He also gave me a 3-4 sentence condensed narration that he will copy and draw a picture from, as well (his choice).  Thanks in advance.

The Runaway Water Spider

There’s this spider and she has some eggs and they are all going to hatch soon.  She needed to go get some food before they hatched all the way, where they came out. Well, they came out while the mom was still getting food.  Mr. Stickleback told Mrs. Water Spider that her babies were crying for her.  And she said, “Oh, no, I need to get over there real quick!” Well, she still needed to pack up some food and it took her a while to finish. 

The baby water spiders were crying for a long time and they wanted to go out of their house to go see where their mom was.  So the oldest baby of them all said, “How ‘bout we just go out and find our mom and we’ll be safe with her.” But all of the other water spider babies said, “No, we can’t because mom said, while we were in our eggs, that we have to stay until she comes back from getting food.” The oldest water spider baby said, “No, she didn’t. You guys are just too scared to go out there, aren’t you?” They all went out and got lost.  They ended up on a lily pad.  And some ducks passed by them and some dragon flies flew over them.  They all said, “Aren’t you babies too young to be out here without your mom?”  The babies didn’t answer at all.  Why they didn’t answer was because the babies knew that the ducks and dragon flies were not their own kind.  They jumped off the lily pad and swam over to where Mr. Stickleback is at.  And Mr. Stickleback said, “Hey, I just met your mother over there and she’s getting food for you guys. She told me that you guys are such good little babies staying at your home, but now I’m going to go tell your mom that you guys aren’t at your house.  And, tell her that you guys are over here with me by the turtle pond.”  And, Mr. Stickleback said to stay there and he would get their mom.  The babies said okay. And, so he went off over there to where she is at and told her, “Mrs. Water Spider, your babies are over by the turtle pond.   You might want to go over with me to see what’s going on.” So Mrs. Water Spider said, “Okay, Mr. Stickleback, let me go put my food in my house and I’ll be right there.”  

Mrs. Water Spider followed Mr. Stickleback to the turtle pond where her babies were.  And she said to her babies, “Babies come over here and let’s go to our house.  Thank you Mr. Stickleback for taking care of my babies while I was gone.”

They were at their house and Mrs. Water Spider told them, “None of you shall do that again or you will not get any supper.”  She wanted to know who was to blame for going off into the water, since they were just little babies.  And all the water spider babies said, “It was the oldest, he’s the one that told us we could go out there.” She said, “Okay, so you’re the one to blame.” And he said, “No, we were just peaking out the door and the water pushed us out into the big, open world.” She said, “Okay.” The little water spider babies said, “No, mama, he’s lying.”  The oldest water baby said, “They’re right, I lied.”  And the mom forgave him.

The End.