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Ideas/practical applications for teaching kids to obey
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OK, my kids are big enough this shouldn’t be a problem anymore…but it’s becoming obvious that this monster isn’t licked yet! They are 3 and 5… I need a refresher! I’m going to read Smooth and Easy Days again – as well as Laying Down the Rails section on obeying – and try to learn how to better instill this basic habit as well as other routine type habits that will allow me to tell them less so there will be fewer times for this to become and issue. Am I on the right track?! I just need some reinforcement!
And then…what do you do when they don’t obey? Or how do you see to it that they do always obey? We typically spank or pinch (I hope I’m not incriminating myself) – but lately it’s just such a fiasco of crying and hollering in anticipation of that and as well as afterwards…and I just had an issue with my 5 yo son and asked him while he was having a tender, open moment, “What is the problem, why is it so hard to obey?” And his answer was, thru tears, “It’s the spankings.” Then went on to say something about using a belt – which we’ve never done – just hand swats, although I do try to make them count -but the idea came from a little friend of his who has some experience with that. Anyway, one result of the conversation is that I can see that he’s very much preoccupied with worry about spankings…
So what WORKS for you? I’m not asing for a discussion on whether or not to spank…just how do you effectively deal with this kind of thing? Ideas on how YOU use CM methods to instill the habit of obedience welcome too.
For what it’s worth, I’m not a new parent…we have older children as well. But somedays I think I’ve learned some of what not to do, but not so much of what to do! Just need a little powwow with mothers of like mind!
We are still working on obedience as well. But I know that my problem is consistency. Our children, ages 6, 4, & 2, have also figured out that there are places (library, grocery store) where I don’t correct them the same as I would at home. Then I feel like a terrible example of a homeschooling family.
There may be some ideas for you here: http://kidsofintegrity.com/obedience
I haven’t read this one recently, but I have appreciated some of the (free!!) lessons from kidsofintegrity in the past.
HTH
ErinAs bethanna said; consistency is a huge part of this. And it doesn’t always have to be spankings either. (we do spank occasionally) but what worked/works best for us was to give them a choice; “you can do what I asked you to or you can go stand in the corner” (or your room or whatever you as parents decide). But you have to do it every time. And yes that means no matter how tired you are you have to get up out the chair or off the couch and make them do it. (I’m not saying that you don’t do that, just that that is what our problem was). But in the end you have to do what needs to be done. It’s not easy…but nobody ever said it was.
And you can find corners every where. You can make a “corner” with your body and the shopping cart at the store if necessary. (BTDT)
After while they start to know you mean every time, not just sometimes.
As they get older, if I have one whining about doing a chore, I ask “are you whining? Because whiners get more work”.
I have used the chore/obedience charts from Doorposts. And that helped us a lot too.
I have 5 girls, between the ages of two and eight. I have found that the most effective times of discipline have been when my children can really see that I honestly care more about the condition of thier heart than I care about whatever inconvenience their disobedience may have caused me. Whenever I spank them, I am not angry. I also take the time to talk with them about what was going on in their heart, and what the Bible has to say about that. I tell them that I love them too much to let them continue in a behavior that will only cause them grief in the end and also displease their Heavenly Father.
We want to teach them to obey out of genuine love for their Lord and their parents, not out of complete fear of spankings. My husband and I are now seeing the fruit of this type of discipline in our 8 year old and it’s wonderful!
Also one mistake a lot of the parents I see out and about make is they have no authority. They don’t speak with authority. They don’t really EXPECT their child to behave. They expect problems and to have to count to three. My kids are NOT perfect, but they know when I mean business. They are teens now, but for years all I had to do was cock an eyebrow at them and 95% of the time that got the results I wanted. Kids are really smart. They know when you mean it, and they know when they can push. Don’t give them any room to push! I don’t mean be mean to them–authority is actually a gift. Charlotte’s writings have a lot to say here. Also interesting is the recent book Bringing Up Bebe, about an American mom learning about parenting in France. She says moms there just make “the big eyes” and the kids straighten up. This is NOT the same as yelling or spanking. It is just—authority. You need it. Until you have it, they aren’t going to listen to you.
Also, only demand obedience when it is necessary. Give them as much freedom as you can, but make the boundaries real and emphatic. Don’t, for instance, tell them 100 things to do in just a little bit. You’re better off to tell them five things they actually listen to you and DO.
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