One thing that helps me is to use an ‘Uh, Oh, that’s too bad’ tone of voice and attitude. It helps me remember the difference between punishment and consequences. Punishment is when I’m angry, or when I think I need to make the child ‘feel bad’ to make my point. Consequences is simple the result of a choice. The child doesn’t need to ‘feel bad’, they need to realize the results of their choice. I think ‘punishment’ for the sake of just making the child feel bad, or because I lash out in anger, actually backfires, causing resentment, and more, usually more secretive, misbehaviour. A consequence will still cause discomfort, but it is designed to fix the problem, and delivered with a ‘let me help you’ attitude from the parent. It’s a fine line, but still an important one. It also usually takes some planning ahead, rather than just reacting in the moment.
For example, with your child who is noisy in the morning, there are two options. You could ‘punish’ by spanking, taking away priviledges, etc. It sounds like you have done that, and it’s not helping. Here’s what I would try if it were my daughter. You could simple say “Uh, oh. It looks like you are having trouble with staying quiet. We better practice that more!” Then, arrange a time to practice. I might use a time when the other children are having a movie day (a once or twice a week event here, so it’s special). Everyone else gets to watch TV, while the noisy one practices. First, demonstrate. Start in the bedroom, show how to get out of bed quietly. Use exaggerated motions, finger to your lips to show how quiet you are being, tiptoe in dramatic slow motion to the living room, choose a book (sliently, without knocking anything over), sit down and read, again using slow motion to dramatically show how to turn a page silently.
Then, have her do it. Each time, she needs to sit for 10 minutes without making a sound. I’d probably do it 2 or 3 times. If she gets noisy, back to the bed to start over. Remind her at bedtime how hard she practiced during the day and how well she did being quiet (eventually?) “Remember, in the morning, you know what to do. I can’t wait to see how quiet you’ll be.”
The next time she is noisy in the morning, it’s “Uh, oh, better practice again”. Only this time, send the others out to the playground with Dad or a babysitter (it would be worth a small cost to teach the lesson!) Make what she is missing more meaningful. Be full of sympathy. “I know, sweetie, it’s tough learning something new. Yes, I know you wanted to go play. Let’s figure this out so that you can go next time. Okay, let’s try again. Show me how you be quiet in the mornings.” Don’t respond to any complaining any more than that.
The next time, perhaps it’s something really special, like the others get to go for ice cream while she practices.
This is just one example, and it may not suit your daughter. As I said, this is what would work in my home. The point I’m trying to make, though, is to make it a team effort. You are in it together, finding a solution to the problem. You don’t need to be angry or frustrated (either of you), you just need to help her learn a new behaviour. Brainstorm together (and with Dad) about ways to do it.
My favourite parenting book is still “Kids are Worth It” by Barbara Coloroso. She talks about ‘Brickwall Parents’, who lay down the law and the children better obey, or else; ‘Jellyfish Parents’, who let the kids get away with anything until they can take it, then the explode’ or “Backbone’ Parents, who provide structure and stability, but are flexible enough to work with each child to deal with each situtation. I highly recommend it!
Good luck!
Joanne
