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How to train habit without nagging
- This topic has 27 replies, 14 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 11 months ago by
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Agreeing with pslively to work on one thing at a time, but not necessarily one specific thing like being quiet when told. That’s part of the bigger picture of obedience. Charlotte said the top three habits are attention, obedience, and truthfulness. Attention is required before you can really have obedience, but when working on obedience there are myriads of opportunities to make sure that you’re obeyed, but it must be consistent. You must outlast the children!
stonemomof4, you mentioned with the dawdling issue if you addressed it every single time you would never have time for schooling. That may be for the few weeks to months it takes to work on these habits. But the more time you devote to changing the habits the quicker the results you are looking for will appear. A few weeks or months of little school work done, that can be made up latter, will be worth it to get a lifetime of good habits. If you need to drop your lessons down to the 4 R’s (reading, writing, arithmatic, and religion) until you get to a place where you can add in more school work because the dawdling is no longer an issue. I believe you said your ds was 6, so you have plenty of time to “catch up” on the other lessons missed.
I struggle with consistancy as well so I totaly get how hard it is to habit train your children at times. But I can say the times I have truely committed to working on an issue, the results were dramatic and worth it. I second reading Raising Godly Tomatoes if you have not. It is very practicle on how to implement obedience.
I should add that several years ago when dd5 (almost 6) was small, maybe 18months-2 years. I quit schooling my oldest kids who were 8 and 5 for several months to work on littlest’s training. I handed my oldest a stack of Rod and Staff text and workbooks that she could manage on her own (she couldn’t continue with our CM readings bc her ability wasn’t there at that time) and let her simply do what she could. My next oldest who was 5 simply played. Those few months of focused training worked wonders on my little girl. It was laying down the rails to smooth and easy days.
Being that busy mom I can only reply a little at a time. 🙂
“If your child disobeyed your instruction to stay quiet and got her way to come downstairs, then disobeyed again as she went upstairs, what did you do about it? Did you get up, go to the child, stop her in her tracks and apply whatever consequence you deem appropriate (time out, swat to bottom, whatever) or did you get frustrated and not do anything? I ask not to be accusatory, but to illustrate that children are fast learners of habits, good or bad. “
missceegee–I punish her each time, every, each day, every day. I get her downstairs because if I don’t she’s going to cry as loud as she can (thereby waking up my neighbor’s baby, my baby, her other brothers) that she’s scared upstairs “by herself”. Do you spank a child that says she’s scared? That’s what I struggle with, which is why I just bring her downstairs. But then when she STILL disregards me I DO punish her, I do spank, I do take away a privilege (if it’s after 7 and I’ve put a movie on–which by the way does not encourage quiet, it does the opposite–and she makes noise I turn it off). Do I need to work on my consistency as well as how I respond (in anger, not good, and I’m a failure in that department and need more work)? Absolutely. But I’d say of 100 times (not exaggerating) I get pushed by this one child in one hour I am able to and DO respond 95-99 times. Yet the pushing never stops. I KNOW I need to make it 101 times, but there are times it’s not possible. It’s right when my hands are deep in bread dough. It’s right when I’m changing a diaper–little harder to put down a naked poopy baby than a nursing baby. I’m on the toilet (sorry to get gross). I just stepped out of the shower and I’m not dressed yet. And really the ONLY times I do not respond to a behavior is because I really really can’t. And yes, for some reason, in spite of the fact that I respond and discipline and punish and lay down the rules, none of my children respect or respond to my authority. And I’m at a loss as to how to change that. That’s why I bought the LDR bundle, and yes my husband is on board and is eager to be part of it (by the way, they respond for him in a way they do NOT respond for me but we don’t do anything differently).
I know a great deal of my/our trouble is us and our emotional responses and we are working to change that.
I would highly recommend tomato staking as outlined in the book I mentioned. Btw its a free read online. Keep every child with you at all times (even in the bathroom or when changing diapers or making bread) so that you can immediately correct every action with love. 95 out of 100 isn’t enough with a child who is pushing every button. You must be 100% consistent and you must outlast the child. Some children are easy and compliant and others simply aren’t. Those more difficult ones will take advantage of the 5/100 times and you will have to start over.
It’s hard not to take disobedience, etc. personally and respond emotionally, but it’s necessary to avoid adding fuel to the fire. I like to use a simple analogy. One small teaspoon of mud dirties a cup of water. Now imagine that your heart is like a cup of water that spills over when your annoyed, frustrated, disobeyed, bumped or what have you. If that water is cool and clear, there is no harm. If that water is muddied by angry or sharp words or actions, then whatever it touches is dirtied. (Please know that speaking in kindness at all times has been an area of struggle for me in the past and I’ve had to apologize to my kids more than I care to admit.) I have a quote printed out from Ann Voskamp’s blog that reads, “Speak only words that grow souls stronger.” This is to remind me to be gentle even when firm.
I would encourage you to look again at your responses. Often we think we are being consistent when in reality we are consistent only most of the time. And most isn’t enough. Parenting is hard, heart work, but do not grow weary!
Blessings,
Christie
Thank you for the encouragement and help, as well as necessary conviction. 🙂 This is such a heart wrenching struggle right now. I want to correct things but without alienating my daughter, or any of my children for that matter. A lot of my inappropriate responses to disobedience come from how I was raised myself, and right now only 2 of her 5 daughters are speaking with my mother (I’m one of the two, and even I keep it to a minimum). Not only was anger a natural response, but also blaming us for the state of her house, telling us we were unusually bad compared to other children, and using emotional manipulation (“Your disobedience shows you don’t really love me”). Thankfully, the anger is the only thing I’ve taken away, but I don’t like it anymore than the other things. My daughter is nearly a carbon copy of one of my sisters who had the most trouble with our mother, and I can tell that, on days I control my response, her behavior improves, so I know a lot of it is me. My consistency problem is more with how I respond, rather than when or if I respond. And I need to work on it.
Thank you again, all, for the help. 🙂
One thing that helps me is to use an ‘Uh, Oh, that’s too bad’ tone of voice and attitude. It helps me remember the difference between punishment and consequences. Punishment is when I’m angry, or when I think I need to make the child ‘feel bad’ to make my point. Consequences is simple the result of a choice. The child doesn’t need to ‘feel bad’, they need to realize the results of their choice. I think ‘punishment’ for the sake of just making the child feel bad, or because I lash out in anger, actually backfires, causing resentment, and more, usually more secretive, misbehaviour. A consequence will still cause discomfort, but it is designed to fix the problem, and delivered with a ‘let me help you’ attitude from the parent. It’s a fine line, but still an important one. It also usually takes some planning ahead, rather than just reacting in the moment.
For example, with your child who is noisy in the morning, there are two options. You could ‘punish’ by spanking, taking away priviledges, etc. It sounds like you have done that, and it’s not helping. Here’s what I would try if it were my daughter. You could simple say “Uh, oh. It looks like you are having trouble with staying quiet. We better practice that more!” Then, arrange a time to practice. I might use a time when the other children are having a movie day (a once or twice a week event here, so it’s special). Everyone else gets to watch TV, while the noisy one practices. First, demonstrate. Start in the bedroom, show how to get out of bed quietly. Use exaggerated motions, finger to your lips to show how quiet you are being, tiptoe in dramatic slow motion to the living room, choose a book (sliently, without knocking anything over), sit down and read, again using slow motion to dramatically show how to turn a page silently.
Then, have her do it. Each time, she needs to sit for 10 minutes without making a sound. I’d probably do it 2 or 3 times. If she gets noisy, back to the bed to start over. Remind her at bedtime how hard she practiced during the day and how well she did being quiet (eventually?) “Remember, in the morning, you know what to do. I can’t wait to see how quiet you’ll be.”
The next time she is noisy in the morning, it’s “Uh, oh, better practice again”. Only this time, send the others out to the playground with Dad or a babysitter (it would be worth a small cost to teach the lesson!) Make what she is missing more meaningful. Be full of sympathy. “I know, sweetie, it’s tough learning something new. Yes, I know you wanted to go play. Let’s figure this out so that you can go next time. Okay, let’s try again. Show me how you be quiet in the mornings.” Don’t respond to any complaining any more than that.
The next time, perhaps it’s something really special, like the others get to go for ice cream while she practices.
This is just one example, and it may not suit your daughter. As I said, this is what would work in my home. The point I’m trying to make, though, is to make it a team effort. You are in it together, finding a solution to the problem. You don’t need to be angry or frustrated (either of you), you just need to help her learn a new behaviour. Brainstorm together (and with Dad) about ways to do it.
My favourite parenting book is still “Kids are Worth It” by Barbara Coloroso. She talks about ‘Brickwall Parents’, who lay down the law and the children better obey, or else; ‘Jellyfish Parents’, who let the kids get away with anything until they can take it, then the explode’ or “Backbone’ Parents, who provide structure and stability, but are flexible enough to work with each child to deal with each situtation. I highly recommend it!
Good luck!
Joanne
I love Joanne’s ideas! I love Christie’s dirty water analogy. And as far as as an alarm idea goes, like Christie suggested, I actually have a friend who has an alarm for her daughter, and at the set time for the morning, when she”s allowed to come out of her room, the alarms glows. I thought that was a really clever idea. I linked to one I found on Amazon.
I know our own attitudes and responses are often hardest to change (at least for me). I try to praise more than I correct, and I find the more I acknowledge the little things my children are doing well the more positive things they do.
Rachel
Ruth–That’s funny, I used the “Four R’s” myself a while back. 🙂
Missceegee–that is a really good idea with the workbooks. I don’t have anything as neat as R&S, but our Target has a dollar section with great workbooks, and we have a Lakeshore Learning I might hit up today with the kids, let the older boys choose their stuff. McGuffey and BOB readers, Kumon books, time out in the garden . . that should cover it while we get our “house” in order. 🙂
We have definitely utilized role playing in our family, and I feel it’s an effective way to learn new behaviors. I love what jmac said about acting it out. We role play situations of being tempted (and how to respond). We role play the right way to act with a sibling. I read somewhere that it helps their “muscle memory” to learn it better by going through the motion rather than just talking about it.
We also “practice” things that are issues. For example, when we pray as a family, everyone should have eyes closed and head bowed. Sometimes my 3 yo has issues with this. If so, when we are done praying, she has to “sit” and practice. We set the timer for 3 minutes (her age) and she has to sit still and quietly for that time. Usually brother and sister are up and playing during this time, so it is not fun for her! I know it’s definitely not convenient to be ready to discipline at any point, but necessary to be effective, especially for ones that push boundaries like your DD seems to do.
I have also done some of the tomato staking sorts of stuff. You need to keep your kids with you to correct the issue immediately. Again, it is inconvenient, but it is only for a time. We are in the process of adopting, and won’t be permitted to spank our foster kids. So I’m planning on doing major tomato staking to be able to correct their misbehaviors right away, and also to role play the correct way to respond.
Thank you for the role playing ideas, and training ideas. I think that would work. Maybe not exactly as you painted it, but something similar. I will talk to my husband and put it into action. Like I said, some quiet time to START with to make plans would help. 😛
I need to add a huge thank you. First to the ladies in the forum. Your ideas really helped. I have taken a break from schooling. Not only am I getting organized (and that’s another long tale of self-realization lol), but I’m focusing on the training. Your ideas and thoughts inspired and helped me, and there’s already been improvement. Then a HUGE shout out to Sonya and the rest of the SCM staff. My husband and I finally got to watch the LDR seminar and read the first two chapters of the book. Huge eye opener, big encouragement, lots of conviction . . .we’re excited for our family! 🙂
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