How to deal w/ parnets

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  • April 28, 2009 at 8:35 pm
    Misty
    Participant

    Am I the only one that has parents, who I love, but just don’t agree with? Today was one of those days where I feel all alone and trying to be a good daughter as God has instructed but needing to stand by “our” (being me and my dh’s) values to say “no” to them once again.

    No matter what it is they want a reason why, and sometimes it’s just to hard to explain, maybe it’s our values, maybe it’s the activity, maybe its what we want to instill in them. But no matter what we say or how they say it it’s just a whine and fuss from them.

    Like here’s my example: Thomas the Train & Friends is coming here. My son LOVES with all his heart Thomas. We have a few movies and a lot of trains and track. We like that and it’s ok for us. But we thought and prayed about it and decided that he’s only 2 and to take him to see this $20 a person things isn’t for our family. We like to do things that will enclude all of us. So me and dh decided against it, which mind you he didn’t know cause we never mentioned it (also it looks a bit cheesy).

    But my mom calls to day and says she’d like to take him. I say you know we talked about it also and decided it’s not something we’d like to take the kids to. She says no I want to take him only. I said mom (trying to tread lightly for I know her) we’ve decided that we don’t want that for the family. So again she says I don’t understand I took you to these things and its’ no big thing. So I stop her and just say mom I’m sorry we say no.

    But the conversation ends because now she’s made at me and don’t understand why we just don’t let her do it. Now maybe you don’t understand our reasons either which is fine and not really the questions about the outing. But more about how do you handle when thing like this come up? Or are we the only ones who go through this?

    Thanks for listening

    Misty

    April 28, 2009 at 8:57 pm
    missceegee
    Participant

    Hi Misty,

    I understand some issues re. parents. Mine are not saved, are divorced, one lives in town and one out of state. I try to keep a few things in mind. I cannot expect them to behave like believers when they aren’t. I also cannot expect them to never take offense when I do most things differently than they did w/ me.

    My dad is totally onboard w/ homeschooling and thinks my kids are the BEST everything. My mom is supportive though she doesn’t fully understand it all. My in-laws are terrific and have become great homeschool supporters.

    My issues are probably different from yours, but in ref. to your specific concern…Do they single out and favor one child or is this just an opportunity for them to spend some nice time w/ him? If it is the latter and you aren’t opposed to the material and there isn’t another deeper issue (safety or whatnot), then I would view it as a wonderful opportunity for them to spend time together. He gets to do something that he’ll enjoy and you don’t have to pay for your whole family to go.

    My kids have fond memories of doing things with their grandparents, aunt and uncle that we might not do at home as a whole family. They get to eat junk food and stay up late at their aunt and uncle’s about twice a year. My in-laws try to have each one over alone and then together at different times for different outings. They go as a group to my mom’s on Sat. mornings occasionally for play time or just hanging out. My dad comes and teaches them to fish or whittle or whatever, oh and take them out for really good expensive ice cream that I never buy.

    I guess what I’m saying is try to understand their side, too. At least that’s what I do. In my case, we usually have to have a day of buckle down after time w/ my parents, but the trade off is worth it in my eyes. They are building memories that will last a lifetime, but still on my terms.

    Now, your issues may be very different from what I inferred. In that case, I’m always one to say trust your instincts and the Lord’s leading.

    Hugs,

    Christie

    April 28, 2009 at 9:05 pm
    Rebekahy
    Participant

    I can totally relate. While neither of our parents are opposed to homeschooling we do have other “value” issues that we have to deal with. For example – my mother buys my girls lots of clothes for their birthdays and sometimes the things she gets are just too short or are halter tops, which we just don’t really want our little girls to wear (because when they are big we REALLY don’t want them to wear those things). There’s nothing too inappropriate about a little girl wearing a halter style dress, but we just have decided that’s not what we want our little girls to wear… rather than trying to educate my mom on all the things we think are not ok or are ok, I’ve decided to “alter” the outfits to make them appropriate when I can. For example – a halter dress with a sweater is ok. The skirts that are too short are ok with some leggins underneathe so that’s what I’m doing.

    What I’m REALLY dreading is when our mother in law comes for her first visit in our new home and we have to assign her and her boyfriend to different rooms! That should be fun. My dh’s family is still getting over the fact that our four year old daughter refused to be the flower girl in my brother in laws wedding because it was his second wedding. The totally thought we put her up to it, but she came up with that all on her own, so I guess that just goes to show, that if you’re diligent in explaining and teaching your child Biblical values they really will understand and cling to them so that when you can’t prevent your extended family from crossing a value line, your child may be able to distinguish right from wrong on their own.

    Keep up the good work!

    Rebekah

    April 28, 2009 at 9:05 pm
    richpond
    Participant

    Misty,

    Nope you aren’t the only one. We have had to learn to tred lightly with these issues with my in-laws. I don’t have any great advice except , always be respectful, and loving in your replies. And for us it was important to have my DH talk to them (his parents anyway)but because I can get very “passionate” and raise my voice while pleading our case…and DH is very easy going. But also because he is the head and protector of our household and he needs to take the “brunt of the blows”.

    We have also learned to give and take..knowing that when the kids are with his parents they might see things or hear things and eat lots of things (LOL) that we would not normally let them see, hear, and eat. BUT we know they aren’t trying to go against us and they really do love their grandchildren they just don’t “get it”. So we give it to God. Somethings we stand up for, others aren’t worth the fight. It all takes discernment which we have been able to grow in over the past 8 years.

    HTH,

    Shelly

    April 28, 2009 at 10:14 pm
    csmamma
    Participant

    Oh, Misty, you are not alone. My mom asked to take our boys to “Walking with the Dinosaurs” which is a live theatrical production of the dinosaur age- clearly not from a creation perspective. You can imagine the battle we had. I love my parents and want to honor them but at what expense? This is not an easy thing to deal with, I wish I had the right words to say… however, you are not alone.

    April 28, 2009 at 10:37 pm
    jojo
    Member

    Hi, You are not the only one out there! I have in-laws that dont quite “Get it” either. They buy clothes for them, and bring them to movies and to get togethers with their other family members(dysfunctional ones) and friends,,,its hard to say no to them but i have to if its not something i would like them to see or be around (swearing,drinking,etc…)and they come back with “its family” or “all the kids are doing or seeing this or that…” blah blah blah,,,,One of them is a christian (mother in law)so its not so hard with her, but she wants to bring the kids with them to the get togethers with my father in law(his dysfunctional family get togethers),,,and my husband isnt a christian yet but he backs me up and understands why I say no to things (through him seeing the blessing his children are and the difference from “worldy kids” :D:)

    So I usually tell him to tell them cause they are his parents (and he is head of the house)and they will usually not give him a hard time about it but they usually ask me about it later 😡 and I just say we would rather do something else or buy something else etc..and thanks so much for thinking of them we will try something else later….being Always Respectful,Always praying,Always thanking God ,,cause they do have great things to instill in their grandchildren! and I want my children to have wonderful memories of their times together! Hope this helps, God bless, Billiejo

    April 29, 2009 at 12:33 pm
    Misty
    Participant

    Thanks for letting me know we all have this issue in one way or another.

    I want our kids to know their grandparents which is why they are always there babysitters when need be and why we spend time with them each month. My parents even have a cabin that we will go to almost ever weekend to be with them. So they really do see them a lot.

    We just knew for us this was not something we wanted to start with the kids (going to expensive outtings). Also, our boys don’t do much “sitting” if you know what I mean and our parents would be better off taking them on a picnic to the park or going on a bike trail ride, that would excite them.

    Thanks for letting me know that I”m not alone though.

    God Bless you all

    Misty

    April 30, 2009 at 4:45 am
    SueinMN
    Participant

    Sorry, Misty, but I would also be very frustrated if I were your mother. I can’t see how this would cause a problem in your family to let grandma have a little one on one time with her grandson.

    April 30, 2009 at 1:52 pm
    Jodie Apple
    Participant

    I thought I was in the minority on this issue!! This is such a hard thing because we do want to encourage relationships within our immediate family. For me this is about respect of boundaries. If you and your husband say ‘no’ then others should be respectful of those boundaries, period. I deal with this with my mom so much and she was so controlling in my childhood that I still (at age 39) struggle to stand firm with her. I absolutely want her to be involved in our children’s lives and enjoy them, but I expect her to respect any boundaries that my husband and I feel led by God to establish. The book “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend has been a TREMENDOUS help for me in this area. I’ve read it in it’s entirety and refer to it often when I feel weak.

    If you have a check in your spirit about something then it doesn’t matter if others …”can’t see how it could cause a problem in your family”. Let God speak to you in your individual circumstances and follow Him.

    Blessings,

    mj

    April 30, 2009 at 7:09 pm
    Misty
    Participant

    Just wanted to post a note now a day later.

    As I said I am not against my parents doing things with the kids, it just depends on the “thing”. So we have talked and are going to take the kids to see Earth at the theater on Saturday while my hubby has to work.

    Now this mom is happy 🙂 and grandma is very happy 😀 with the ability to take all the grandkids!

    Wanted to post this to show sometimes it works like this and other times it still wont but I think we all want to do what’s best for our kids and the grandparents.

    Misty

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