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How do you handle character training breaks?
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We are having some serious issues at our home with complaining and bad attitude. And it is coming from our normally compliant 10yo. It has gotten bad enough that last night dh and I decided to take a break from everything except math and science and focus on dealing with this character struggle. Thankfully we are ahead in some of our subjects and can afford to do this. I have pulled my resources to put together a plan this afternoon. Laying down the rails, plants grown up and for instruction in righteousness. His biggest battle is stemming from not taking his thoughts captive and letting his emotions determine his attitude. Yes it is ok to have thoughts about not liking school. But it is not ok to let those thoughts take over and determine the whole attitude of our day. Same with chores or anything he does not want to do. This is not his normal character – willful disobedience. So I intend to saturate him in God’s word and work through some of these issue because right now we are hating life daily.
So my questions are:
1. How do you handle seasons like this – what do your days look like?
2. Any rec’s for resources besides the ones I have listed? Books, movies, etc.
3. Any thoughts to speak into this situation?
It has become pretty severe and we have been talking and talking about it with him for about 2 months now.
Thanks ladies,
Amy
I’ve only a moment, but I will say this is fairly common in boys this age. Yes, it needs to be worked through and prayed over, but it isn’t just your kid.
Agreeing w/ Christie! It usually it starts a little after 9! My youngest ds9, who is usually great, is going through the same thing. It happened w/ my soon to be 12ds and to my friend’s son at that age. She has 4 more to go! 🙂
Have you read any of Hal and Melanie Young’s books? http://www.raisingrealmen.com Not that I have any other answers! LOL..you just have to do what you are doing and address it now! It is hard!
Blessings
Not alone. Mine seems to hit about 12-14 yrs. Its tough. My 14 yr old is constantly questioning me, or telling me when he’ll get to it. We are dealing with that strongly right now. He hates me, but in Raising Godly Tomatoes it says that means I’m doing something right. I sure hope so!
Echoing Christie. In fact, she and I had a text conversation not too long about about our 10yo boys who are having this same issue. It seems to be a common thing at this age, Amy. We did not take breaks from school to specifically address the character issues; we just pressed on with school, chores, and life as usual and handled each situation as it came along. My son’s particular issue was being downright ugly to his younger sister. We had a lot of heart-to-heart discussions, prayed a lot together, discussed things from his sister’s perspective. I had him journal a few times what his exact feelings were so he could get them out in a safe place, without fear of retribution or hurting her feelings. He wrote a letter to her and to me, apologizing and saying he wanted to do better. It was a long process, but he’s doing much better now.
My advice would be to keep trudging and praying your way through it. When my 10yo has complained in the past about schoolwork, specifically dictation (which he loathes), I have just had to be very adult with him and say, “I understand you don’t like this, but your life is going to be full of things that you must do whether you like them or not. That’s just part of growing up. And one day you may have to work in a job you don’t like to provide for your family. You can choose to suck it up and do your work to the best of your ability and make the best of the situation, or you can choose to have an attitude and be miserable and do the work anyway.” Several of those conversations put an end to his complaining about it. He still doesn’t like dictation, but he isn’t vocal about it, and he does very well on his exercises.
It’s never easy, but you’ll get through it. Praying!
Lindsey
Lindsey I have said those exact words to him for over a month now and it is not getting better. He is normally my easy child so this has just got me stumped. But sadly, I am encouraged that others struggle with the same thing about this time. We have talked over and over about life not always being full of fun things and that we have to push through with the things we don’t like. But it is not sinking in with him. I am just at the end of my rope. It doesn’t help that baby Will cut 4 teeth in the past week and my sweetest baby on earth turned into a miserable miserable baby in the midst of big brothers struggles. So mom is emotionally and physically spent. Thanks for the thoughts and encouragment. I knew I could count on you ladies!!
Y’all are going to start thinking I’m crazy…but read Little Britches together (skip the language, it’s well worth the read…we almost missed this treasure that I now recommend more than any other, b/c we were offended by the language…) and Man of the Family by Ralph Moody. I “accidentally” did this with my oldest son, and it did us both a world of good. Hard work is highly valued and ennobled…and in the second book particularly, the mother models for us a beautiful way to win our sons by respecting them as young men. This, more than anything else (that I could do anyway), motivated my son to aspire to being manly. Also, at this age he began working with his dad a lot doing things that are traditionally considered “men’s work” – plowing our long drive with the tractor, changing an engine in the tractor alongside his dad, helping with making hay (I know everyone doesn’t have a farm…but there are other avenues…and my husband was gone a lot too, so it wasn’t all the time that he could work with Dad…but then he had opportunity to do Dad’s work in order to help Mom…and I could easily find things to praise him for and appreciate how he was growing to be a man). I stole a lot from that mother in Man of the Family. I learned to say things like, “It’s really nice to have a man around now when Daddy’s gone. It makes it a lot easier on me to have you caring for Mom and the little ones.” I was able to notice a lot more good, that I had been missing…and he gave me a lot more to notice b/c he was inspired also. We had a long, hard road of it, but now we have a very close, loving and respectful relationship, even though there were years of conflict, rebellion and many tears and desperate prayers on my part. God is faithful. Let Him be your strength and your wisdom. I wish you well.
Amy,
I should have said too, that for the longest time it seemed like we were getting nowhere. And it is very hard on the younger children. I remember thinking maybe I should consider putting him in school for their sakes…so we could not have the constant conflict. It wasn’t “fair”to them. And we couldn’t get “anything done”. I often feel like the mother in Five Little Peppers, “They haven’t had any bringing up. They’ve just kind of scrambled up!” I don’t claim to know the answers. I just feel for you. And tremble with you…I have a 7 yo son now, and I feel this kind of thing coming…and honestly, I’m scared. We got through the one…somehow…but I don’t feel ready for another…at ALL. But my oldest son even mentioned those books the last time he was home! That was kind of neat…b/c I knew they had helped us, but I didn’t know he knew it too. Someday, maybe I’ll recommend them to his wife 😉
Wow! This post is timely. My easy going, kind hearted, 11 year old has sure developed a severe and disrespectful tongue. It is frustrating that he feels like interjecting his mean comments into so many situations. I have recently purchased the Child Training Bible and the Virtue Training Bible sets. I have had him go through the book of James as well. We have SCM Laying Down the Rail books. So, I hope to use these resources. I think that the Moody books should be a great addition for him. My kids were put back into public school, but I am really hoping to homeschool him through middle school starting next year.
Amy, for the longest time, it didn’t feel like anything was getting through to my son either. It’s like we were talking to a brick wall, sometimes. But eventually, his heart softened and he heard us, recognized his wrongs, and has tried very hard since. I cried to my husband a lot, because the way he acted and spoke, especially to his sister, just broke my heart. We didn’t feel spanking was appropriate in these situations, because that didn’t address the root: his heart. He had to get to the point where he empathized with his sister and could put himself in her shoes, to understand the pain he was causing all of us. Once he was able to do that, his actions, words, and attitude have been so much better. He’s become an encourager at home and on his baseball team. I can only give credit to God, who heard our prayers and softened and changed ds’s heart. It will happen for you too! Don’t lose hope!
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