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Help with toddler getting out of bed
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OK, I know this is an obedience issue. He won’t stay in bed after I put him in there for the night. I do try to sit with him until he falls asleep, and if he tries to sit up, he gets a swat (or 2). I try to make it very calm and logical, but I am spending 2 hours every night and 2 hours every afternoon for naptimes. For going on 3 weeks now! You can imagine how much I’m getting done during the day/evening…. So what am I doing wrong? Should I change tactics? We use Raising Godly Tomatoes, so I did post there, as well, but I thought I’d get other ideas, too.
Thanks, all!
I used the super-nanny method with my oldest 3 (the 4th is only 1) and it worked well, although was exhausting the first couple of nights.
Method:
Put them to bed with your bedtime routine (make sure all needs are dealt with – bathroom, drinks, hugs, etc.) Kiss, etc, say something like “It is bedtime, I love you, goodnight.” Leave room. (first night or two, don’t expect to actually get out of the room!). When they get out of bed, take them by the hand, put them back to bed, and say “Bedtime, goodnight.) NOTE – It is important to give them as little contact as possible. Do not kiss them, stroke their back, or touch them other than what is necessary to put them in the bed. If you have to carry them, do so – otherwise as little contact as possible.
The next time, and all other times they get out of bed – put them back with no comment to them, no talking, no touch other than what is necessary, no eye contact etc. Even a swat is giving them the contact they are trying for. Put them back each time – expect it to be a lot of times. Our movie collection happens to be right outside their door – so once they were staying in bed for longer periods of time, I pretended I was looking for a movie to watch, so that I could watch for them getting out of bed without them realizing that was what I was doing. If the know you are watching for them to get out of bed – it can become a game to them….. yet you don’t want to go about what you are doing so that they get a huge distance from their bed – because then it can become a game of “catch me”.
The first night for each of my kids, it was a workout, and I was about ready to be in tears (although I didn’t let my kids know.) It was around the 2 hour mark. The second night for each child, it was about 45 minutes. The 3rd night it was about 15 minutes…. and after that they pretty much stayed in bed.
(now that said, it has been a while since I trained my last one… and my 2 middle girls now sometimes get out of bed for a while in the evenings…. guess I better retrain them.
Here is another, somewhat similar approach
First, make sure your expectations are realistic. Evaluate whether naptime needs to be reduced or the time changed. Do you need to be waking them up earlier, either in the morning or at naptime? In other words, is your child ready for sleep at the times you are putting them down? Is there anything else disrupting their sleep cycle (such as being in a room with a computer or tv screen right before bedtime, having a bath too close to bedtime, teething, illness, etc.)
Then, assuming that you have ruled out reasons that would make it impossible for this child to sleep at this time, here is what I did. After the bedtime routine, I put my child in bed, spent a minute or two singing a song or two or just talking soothingly. With my son we developed a routine of me saying certain phrases, then he repeats them. “Good night. I love you. Have a good sleep. See you in the morning.” At 4.5 years old this is still our goodnight routine. With my current 2 year old DD I hold my face right next to hers, giving ‘nose kisses’ and she puts her hand on my arm. She seems to just need that moment of closeness.
Then I turned around and sat on the floor beside the bed, with my back to the child. No more talking, no more contact. In the summertime I would read a book (enough light from the window), in the winter I hid my phone down low and checked my email. Anything so I’m not just sitting there being impatient. Otherwise I’d have trouble staying calm. If the child attempted to get out of bed, I calmly lay them back down, with NO TALKING. Usually they didn’t try more than a couple of times, because I was right there. Once they were drowsy enough to stay still (usually 10-15 minutes at the beginning), but before they fell asleep, I’d give one more super soft kiss and then leave. They were still awake, so they knew I was leaving, but sleepy enough to not worry about it. It’s a fine line, but they need to be able to fall finally asleep alone. If you stay until they are completely asleep, they expect that everytime. I think if they are not getting to ‘drowsy’ in a reasonably short time, then you need to move back to step one- evaluate why they are not sleepy.
After a few days, once the child stopped trying to get up, I’d move halfway across the room and wait there. Then a few more days, moved to the doorway, then to the hallway, then to my room (right across the hall.) Anytime the child got up, I silently and gently put them back, without making any sounds.
Every child is different, but this worked for my youngest 2. (My first child I didn’t do this with and she was much older before she’d stay in bed.
Joanne
We’ve found it more effective to use privliges (and loss thereof) rather than spankings at bedtime. Not sure exactly how old your toddler is, but here are a few ideas that have worked for us when our kids were various ages:
– When we first transferred our son into his “big boy bed” when he was around 2.5, I initially left his crib (actually a pack and play – we’ve never had a real crib for any of our kids) in his room. When I’d go lay him down in the big bed I’d talk to him about if he wanted to be a big boy and sleep there, he needed to stay there and if he couldn’t do that, he’d have to go back in the crib. If he tried to get up out of bed at all, he’d just go back into the crib that time. No warnings, no nothing. One chance only, otherwise it was back into the crib and we’d try the bed again the next time. I think I only had to pop him back into the crib 2 or 3 times and he got the message.
– Now that he is a little older, we have a CD player in his room which helps especially at ‘rest time’ where he is expected to stay quietly in his room, but doesn’t always sleep anymore. He gets to choose a CD (some songs, some stories) and I think this is helpful because a)it gives a definite “end” to the nap time (rather than just ‘until mommy says you can get up”) and b)provides a distraction so he’s not just laying there staring at the ceilling, especially if he is not all that sleepy. This was also effective with my dd when she was first transitioning away from a nap and towards a quiet time. Again this is a privilige thing – if he abuses it the CD goes away.
– My daughter had transferred into a big bed at 2 with little trouble, but around 4.5 started having a terrible time staying in bed for some reason. I finally realized she really wasn’t all that tired when we sent her to bed and it was taking her 1-2 hours to fall asleep. I got to thinking and realized how much I hate it when I can’t fall asleep and I’m just laying there tossing and turning for the longest time. So, we started allowing her to take a stack of books or a drawing tablet to bed with her and leave the light on for a little while longer. Again, it’s a privilige, and if she is getting up and down out of bed or other wise messing around, the privilige goes away for awhile.
Hope these ideas might be helpful to you!
Jen
Sleep was the first thing I thought of too. Read the book by Elizabeth Pantley on toddler/preschooler sleep (The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers). Too much sleep and too little can both cause problems with being able to unwind for bedtime. Especially with the naptime issue, I would suspect you’re putting him down too soon in the day, then letting him sleep too long for nap. Another book she’s written has even more info on sleep cycles and napping – The No-Cry Nap Solution.
PM me if you want more info, I’ve recently read both books (plus her baby sleep book) and sleep at my house is going smoother than ever for all 6 kids!
Ugh, that will mess up my day… LOL We normally have quiet time from 1-2pm, and that’s when Aaron goes for his nap. Then he would always sleep till about 4, sometimes 5pm. He never had trouble going to sleep until I started training him. Then again, maybe he was up playing and I just didn’t realize it? Hmmmm… May have to readjust my schedule. Ach, just when I had it perfect….
Thanks for all the ideas!How old is he? Once my kids are about 18 months old, letting a nap go longer than 2 hours or later than 2:30pm is just asking for trouble. Beyond 2 years old, I’ve only had one that could nap more than 1/2 an hour without it causing their evening ready-to-sleep time to be 3 hours later. It’s almost painful to have to go wake them up when I’m involved with doing things with the older children or would just like to get somethings of my own finished, but I know that I’ll pay for it later if I don’t.
Just remember that any time that you lose in the afternoon will be rewarded with time in the evening.
Oh, and I second the books by Elizabeth Pantley. Brilliant lady!
Joanne
Aaron is just about 2 1/2. It seems he is giving up a nap much earlier than my 3 girls did. Maybe a boy thing? LOL But I know if he doesn’t get one, he is C R A B B Y!
I am going to put him down later today, plus limit it. We’ll see how it goes! Thanks! I’ll have to see about those books, too, if this doesn’t seem to help him. The other kids already know the routine and are pretty good about it.Joanne, your suggestion was like a miracle! I kept him up only an extra half an hour. He started getting crabby about 1pm (his normal time to go down), and by 1:30pm I thought, enough is enough. He’s tired. So I laid him down, tucked him in like I always do, and sat down with my back to him next to his bed. The first time he got up to hug me, so I let him do that for about 20 seconds or so, and on his own, he laid down again. Then whenever he sat up, I gently pushed him back down without really looking too much at him or saying anything. Within 15 min. I could leave the room. He was just about out. I left his door open, just in case, and within 3 minutes I closed it because he was totally out. AWESOME!!! Since he went down earlier, I am assuming he’ll be tired by his regular bedtime (if I don’t let him sleep too long – lately he’s been waking up around 2 hours after going down, so I’ll try to have him up by 4 at the absolute latest). Sure hope this continues! Thanks, everyone, for all the ideas!
My son went through a stage at about 2 that napping every other day seemed to be the key. If he napped every single day, he couldn’t sleep at night, but if he missed a nap two days in a row, then look out! Every child is so different and you just have to figure them out. My oldest DD never napped more than 45 minutes at a time from the day she was born. And the 45 minutes was only if I held her.
Just experiment a bit and figure out what this particular child needs.
Thanks for all the ideas!
I am going to put him down later today, plus limit it. We’ll see how it goes! Thanks! I’ll have to see about those books, too, if this doesn’t seem to help him. The other kids already know the routine and are pretty good about it.Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
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