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Help! I'm losing it!
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I am overwhelmed with frustration with my oldest son at the moment. He is 13 and thought I would love to believe he is going to out grow this, he has always been a very strong willed child and pushes my buttons very easily. Today I set him a written assignment –well actually I fully explained the assignment yesterday and even demonstrated how I wanted it accomplished. Today he was to complete the assignment. It was to have been completed this morning. He has not done so and refuses to do so, insisting that I only assigned a fraction of what I know full well I assigned. He absolutely insists that he should not have to complete this assignment because it has no value to him in what he wants to do in life. He says he has no idea what he wants to do with his life, but that a written narration is useless to him, so he will not do it. He sees no value in education unless he’s getting some kind of instant reward and that reward has to be getting to do what he wants. All he wants is to play video games and I don’t have the support that I would like in terms of restricting the types of games he plays or how much. He continues to argue and talk back, so my voice has been raising and I’m at my wits end. No matter what answer I give him there is nothing that will satisfy him. Insisting he complete assignments simply because they were assigned — pointless. It’s a no win situation. No matter what, it will end up in a shouting match almost every day –at least a couple days a week, anyway.
I took my son out of PS nearly three years ago because I could see I was losing him. But I’m still losing him. There’s got to be a better way.
Don’t get me wrong — there are times he can be wonderful and great fun, but school is something we are constantly clashing on and it’s driving me completely insane.
It sounds like a hard time! Each child is individual, so take my suggestion with a grain of salt. First, you need your husband on your side 100% before you begin. There has to be unity or your son will break you two apart and play parent against parent.
At my house this is how it would go down:
1. Notify them of their new status as media free. No games. No computer. No tv. No ipod/etc. This lasts every day until their entire chore and schoolwork list is done to your satisfaction.
2. Hand over a list daily (or weekly is better, listing daily assignments) and step away. Gather all devices and add passwords to those that cannot be locked up.
3. Stand firm. Until work is done all media is out of comission. I’m sorry, you’ll have to work before you play will become your mantra.
You may have to find what his ‘currency’ is, meaning what matters to him. The media is what came to mind, but it could be lessons, going to friends/having friends over, or anything really.
Sorry things are rough right now. My oldest is strong-willed also. He graduated last year, which was fabulous! I think it was more special than some because of the hard work on both our parts!
We had many run-ins about assignments. I recently read “A Heart of Wisdom” and am implementing some of it with my other kids. Writing is more relaxed because I am concentrating on making sure the kids do “something” with the material in each subject, but leaving it up to them as to what. Also, I require that they write about what they did or do a written narration, etc. My kids are loving the freedom and the Holy Spirit is inspiring them with great ideas.
My 16 yo ds was looking up Christoan songs online about idols for Bible study today. His idea, which I can live with. He read the lyrics to us and wrote about what he did.
An online class is another option if he won’t do your assignments.
Hth,
C
I have not walked a mile in your shoes so I feel inadequate to advise you. But I have a 12 yr old son and I used to dread the upcoming junior high age (still do a little bit). We are told “aww, that’s just how teenagers are–moody, disrespectful, want their own way, etc”. But that is a lie. There is no mandate anywhere that says this is how it will go and there is nothing we can do about it. We can raise kids who will be happy, loving, respectful teens. I have seen many. Yes, at times they will be unmotivated, moody, and need alone time. But that shouldn’t be the norm.
From what you shared with us, the least of your concerns should be getting him to do this assignment. I am sure you realize that you have a huge character/obedience/respect issue on your hands. He shouldn’t do the assignment (or anything else you ask of him) b/c it will benefit him in his future (although we know it will), but he should do it b/c you told him to. Period. I know you said that answer will not satisfy him but you need to stop trying to satisfy him. It sounds like he has gotten away with not doing things and playing video games instead and so he has learned that pattern–I argue and then I get my way. If my son talked to me like that, his Dad would destroy the video gaming system and all the games that very day. And if my husband didn’t do it, I would. I am guessing that when you say you don’t have the support to restrict his game playing that Dad is not around or he is not on the same page as you concerning raising your son. If that is the case then there is a big marriage issue here which needs to be addressed immediately.
Sending him to PS, to me, doesn’t seem like an answer. If he is not taught to listen to you then why should he listen to his teachers, or any authority for that matter?
So aside from all that. If you are just looking for schooling advice…
Does he have a voice in what curriculum you are choosing? Maybe with this child that would help him be more invested in his assignments. Would he prefer doing it at a different time of day? The bottom line is that he has no choice on whether he “does school” or not but you are willing to allow him to make some choices on how school is done.
I hope you are able to get some help from the ladies here, esp any who may be doing through the same thing.
I agree with Tristan and sltress. We do not have video games and never will (though we have computers and iPads), but I would get them out of the house ASAP. I have seen more issues with teen boys locally over video games than any other issue. It’s just not worth it IMO. Not to sound overly harsh, but I cannot fathom any circumstance where one of my children spoke to me in that manner. Frankly, I don’t care one iota about satisfying my kids. I care about being obedient to The Lord and doing my job. You might consider giving him some hard, and I mean very hard, physical labor. A pea farm comes to mind. Having him work hard is important anyway and perhaps some very hard work will give him a different perspective on his education.
On another note, Charlotte Mason would say he has a WEAK will in need of training not a strong will. I tend to agree with her.
I’m writing from my phone so please excuse the brevity and directness.
I wanted to say I have boys 15, 14, 12, and so on down… so I know that it can be a challange. I have to agree with Tristan. Get your dh involved. For us it’s bedtime. There is nothing worse (when you have younger siblings) to have to go to be with or even dare I say before them. So that was our ticket. We have a dry erase board wtih there names on it. they don’t complete there chores right AND mind you THEY have asked for them to be checked (which would mean they should be done) if it’s not done right it’s a check, this continues each time until it’s done right. We have morning chores, meal chores (which is 3 times a day), before lunch, before diner and as asked. So it can and has really added up. Now they get very few check marks, they seem to really make sure the list is done and all is complete before they say they are done. That’s what I have for the chores area.. simple and it’s for our kids the one thing they hate.
I’m sorry you are going through this! There’s nothing more frustrating than a child who will not budge. I will have to agree with what has been said already even though I realize it sounds harsh. This is far from a schooling issue.
In addition to the suggestions already given, I would strongly recommend that you also PRAY and do it a lot! While it is certainly our job as mothers and fathers to be in authority over our children, I have seen incredible fruit from asking the Lord to change so-and-so’s heart and give him a heart of flesh for his heart of stone (Ezekiel 11:19). Sometimes the Lord shows me where I went wrong and where I need to apologize (yelling, losing my temper, etc.) first.
Anyway, that’s my two cents for what it’s worth. Try, try, try to get you and your husband on the same page. I feel it’s mandatory. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for a hellish rest of his years at home, in my opinion.
Thanks for all the advice and wisdom.
Video games is definately my biggest issue and my husband is not as discerning as I am about what the boys plays. Our son has recently bought himself an x-box and my issues have gotten worse because some of the games he has are teen rate and one that came with it is mature rated. Now I’ve gotten my way over the mature one, but I still don’t feel the teen ones are good for him and sometimes his dad will play them with him. (He bought it with christmas money– they have a lot of aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents that don’t know what else to give them — especially the ones away. That will change next year — I’m giving everyone a list of books I want them to have instead. But my dh was so gungho on them getting a new system because our wii died — he even bought the x-box one thinking he’d give the boys that for Christmas even though I repeated said that I refused to buy them another system, but when he realized exactly how much his impulse purchase set him back he returned it. I didn’t have much hope once our son had enough to purchase a system for himself.)
For the most part my husband is very good with him and will support me 100%, but he works long days, is sometimes out of town for days so I’m left to handle a lot on my own. The long hours means he’s rarely home before 6:30, then supper and bedtime routine. This sometimes means that rules that I set when dh is not home (regarding media time etc.) get ignored because he wants his media time when he is home — so that may mean watching tv past 7pm (living room one might be off but he’ll slip off to the bedroom and watch in there while I’m left with the boys — usually that’s when we do our literature read aloud.) Most of the time he is great with the boys, but sometimes he’s just tired and needs to unwind before he can engage — and too often that means the boys are in bed and he’s only seen them during supper and to possibly deal with the day’s discipline issue. That’s not healthy either.
So, as of this moment (with Dad’s support) media is suspended until further notice. Dh has also told him that his attendance at a youth group event he’s been looking forward to all year that is coming up in three weeks is suspended pending a complete and total attitude change regarding school work, chores and respecting his parents and brother. Any further incidents will result in further discipline.
Heartfelt sympathy for what you are going through with your DS. I have not walked directly on this path (my boys are a bit younger), but when we’ve had the occasional attempt at lack of obedience or a refusal to do certain assignments (this does happen around here once in a while), we nip it in the bud by doing much of what Tristan, sltress and missceegee have already said. For us, the most important thing is to stay consistent, keep a hard line and make the consequence last LONG enough to make an impact. I particularly LOVE misscegee’s remark:
“Frankly, I don’t care one iota about satisfying my kids. I care about being obedient to the Lord, and doing my job”. This is pretty brilliant (thanks missceegee!) because it gets directly to our motivation as mothers in this whole thing…
Lately, I have been trying to do my own self-help on a few matters and I’ve come to the conclusion that having ONE thought/line/scripture verse to meditate on works best. Keeps me focused on the “heart” of the problem/solution.
In your situation, I’d meditate on missegee’s remark (or find another one that resonates). I’d say the line in my mind, over and over, whenever DS began to “push” or throw out disrespect…. I’d pray that meditating on these words might give me the strength to follow through on discipline. God willing, it might help me to stay calm as I communicate with him.
FWIW, when we have difficult days, I try not to address anything big (as related to one child) during our daytime routine because I believe that getting me all worked up would be unfair to my other 3 kids. The big lecture comes straight from Daddy that evening – and he is VERY firm. In our house, DH wouldn’t even listen to a child give reasons why he should or shouldn’t do an assignment. If Mom assigned it, you just DO it – because she’s the teacher and she plans the school work. We will often remind them that in PS they would get NO choice either. They would just fail. In the workforce, if you pushed back, didn’t perform, or gave attitude – you would most likely get fired. If you didn’t get fired, you’d lose a promotion, or you would fail to receive a raise.
As for consequences – We’ve never had video games, TV or any of that, so for us the consequence (for any disobedience or disrespectful remarks) would be confinement in one’s bedroom, lack of opportunity to ski that weekend, or exclusion from some other family activity that we may have had upcoming. If it were a big issue of disobedience or disrespect, these consequences would go on for days or even weeks until the child has “earned” back the priviledge lost. Given that your DS is so into video games, it seems the natural choice to pinpoint as being the priviledge that’s being taken away …until he earns it back with full respect to Mom and full respect to your family homeschool environment. And at that point, I personally would only ever let him “play” when all his schoolwork is complete to your satisfication. It’s HARD to stay firm about it but worth it in the end. I know that when my children see how FAR my DH and I are willing to go to discipline them they eventually realize (after a long bout of nasty sulking) that we’re doing it because we care so much.
Hope you take all of this in the caring spirit in which it was intended. Will pray that God graces your home with some peace in the coming days.
I have the same issue w/the xbox. My boys were sneaking, downloaded a rated M game (I freaked out and they were not aloud to play for 3 weeks), playing when they were not supposed to. We also have neighboors and although they are not aloud they go play there.
Anyway, I had a few talks w/them about honesty. I still do not trust them though.
So the xbox is usually locked. You can limit the access to xbox live w/a password.
Another option is to make the remote control disappear.
Also I made them delete all their friends except for 3 of their good friends. My oldest was constently sending messages, talking to too many people. I do not want their minds to be always in that world.
Like mentionned above, put a few rules on what you expect during school and if they do not follow, no video games.
I would take it out of the house altogether but I also have a husband who likes to play w/them (soccer and tennis games).
My kids are aloud to play only on the week end when they do have good behavior.
They complain, I am the worst mom in the world, everyone else is aloud to play much more, bla bla bla, I don’t care!
The more they play the more they want to play so there would be no end to this.
I feel your pain.
I have not read all the responses, so forgive me if this is repeated.
First of all, I am so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine how frustrated and heartbroken you must be!
Second, and please know that I’m not trying to be harsh, I can’t imagine a time when it would ever be ok for my child to speak to me so disrespectfully or to disobey me with such outright determination. That just doesn’t work around here, and if it ever did happen…well, let’s just say my child would sorely regret it.
I am the mom who has taken every single item my children own away from them, except for their beds and Bibles. And that was their consequence for repeated selfishness toward each other. We do not have video games either, for this very reason.
If you have told him what you expect and shown him what to do, there is NO reason why it should not be accomplished as expected. This is a heart issue for him, so as Tristan said, you’re going to have to figure out what his currency is and use it to get to his heart. Or just take away everything from him except his Bible and bed. There is nothing to detract him away from his work if he has nothing else to do.
Be creative and come up with extra stuff to occupy his time. Have him plan a week of meals and make a grocery list, organize the pantry, alphabetize the spice cabinet, polish the silver, clean windows, shovel snow from neighbors’ driveways, clean the car, clean baseboards. Rent a steamer and have him clean carpets. Rearrange furniture. Whatever you can think of to keep him busy without being entertained.
As a child, I was physically abused and my parents also came up with all sorts of hard labor for me to do when I didn’t measure up. While I would never advocate abuse, I will say that I’m so appreciative to my parents for the hard work they made me do. It’s absolutely impossible not to think about WHY you’re shoveling horse stalls or picking up rocks or pulling tiny weeds or [insert job here] while you’re doing that hated thing. It gives a kid ample amounts of time to really mull over what got him/her in that predicament to begin with. And to this day, I have a very strong work ethic and am never lazy. I thought my parents were criminals then for making me do all that, but abuse aside, I am grateful for the hard labor.
Also, he needs to understand the difference between a right and a privilege. It sounds as if he thinks it is his right to play video games. It is not. He has a right to eat and sleep. It is a privilege for him to be involved in fun family activities, hang out with friends, or be on the computer. When he loses all privileges (as mine most certainly would), he may be more appreciative of the freedoms you do allow him, if and when you allow them again.
Behavior like this needs some SERIOUS and EXTREME intervention. I have even called my dh at work and had him give some man-to-man talks over the phone to our ds when he misbehaves. This is like torture for my son, because he hates disappointing his daddy. And then every moment that Daddy is home, our son is expected to be right by his side, helping him do whatever he’s doing. Same goes with our dd when she’s misbehaving, but she’s with me instead of Daddy.
I know you’ll get it worked out. And your son will be a better person for it. He doesn’t think so now, but he will thank you later.
Blessings,
Lindsey
HUGS to you! My son, who is 12, has a very intense personality, too. I told my DH last week that I don’t think he’s had a day in his whole life without tears. That sounds pathetic and sad.
Overall he’s a very happy kid. When he gets overwhelmed, though, he has a very short fuse. Add that to the hormonal changes that are going on in his body and it can be a disaster.
I try to have empathy for him – knowing how I struggle to have an even composure when I’m hormonal – but I try to be firm, too.
It’s such a difficult balance – wanting to shephard his heart, wanting to teach him obedience, wanting to hug him and tell him that his feelings matter and he just needs a break for a little while, wanting to give him some good physical labor, wanting to take away all of his privileges for the rest of his life. LOL.
Anyway, I know that’s not an answer for you at all. I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone.
I am so sorry! I will pray for you and your husband – our oldest child is also very strong/weak willed.
My nephew had a 4 year scholarship to an ivy league college and lost it because of a video game addiction.
I would agree about taking video games away – just my two cents – I do not have teens yet.
I think that the two best pieces of parenting advice I have recieved are:
1. It takes a man to raise a boy into a man.
2. Be on your knees in prayer every night with your spouse for your kids. If you are not praying for your kids then who will?
I really hope that this helps in some small way.
You are definitely not alone on this!
I feel silly for being among the few to address the school issues. Maybe I am too lenient. Unfortunately I am used to arguing, etc. I agree that the sooner your son is held accountable for his attitude and behaviors the better. One tip is to refuse to discuss issues when one or both parties are angry. Also, don’t try to fix everything at once. I pray that your son will realize that you are on his side.
I must say that my son’s video game system that he bought is in the attic permanently until he moves out. That was my compromise vs getting rid of it. I saw too many bad effects in him and his siblings, so we pulled the plug years ago.
Praying,
C
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