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Having a bad day
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I am having such a bad day, I need to whine to someone… and it is mainly about habits….
I have been struggling for years to help my children have the habit of neatness in regards to their rooms. And I just don’t have the energy anymore. I’m ready to say that I give up, they can live in a pigsty if they want, I can’t take it anymore.
They are supposed to tidy their rooms 2x a day so that it doesn’t get too bad, so it is never a big job. My son moved upstairs to his own room last fall. I have problems handling the stairs, so I don’t check it everyday. I also know that all the rooms have been slowly getting worse (and the kids haven’t been earning their “tickets” for days over it.)
Well, this morning my son can’t find his glasses… so I go up the stairs to his room – and it is a disaster. Legos everywhere. His bed isn’t made (possibly because he was to look for them on his bed as he probably never took them off when he went to bed…) – LOTS of stuff under his bed, clothes everywhere.
So, I started cleaning it, with the intent to take away his Lego box for a week – his little sister comes and does some helping (which was nice of her)… and he finally comes up to help, and his glasses are found (right where I told him to look…) – I go make breakfast, and he keeps working on his room. I send his sisters to clean their room (shared.)
They have a break for breakfast, and are in their rooms again to clean it. Every few minutes one of the girls come out to say the bedroom is done – which it is not. Same with my son, although his room is getting a lot better. Basically the girls are just yelling at each other to clean, neither of them doing any.
Any thoughts of homeschooling are right out right now, as I don’t have any patience left. I would probably send them outside (once done cleaning), so that I can calm down and relax a bit… but no, it is about -35C with the windchill today. Normally on a cold day like this, I’d have them play their Wii Adventure game (lots of running, etc) but I can’t let them do that without having finished what they are supposed to have done, and honestly it wouldn’t be very relaxing for me.
But it also just seems like they have gotten into the habit of doing the least they can and get away with it. My son empties the dishwasher (generally stomping around that he has to) – and leaves the cupboard doors open… so I have to send him to close the doors. Stuff like that. And sometimes I don’t discover what they didn’t do of a job until later, perhaps when they are asleep. I can’t follow all 3 of them around to make sure they are doing what they are supposed to perfectly right. How am I supposed to make sure of “perfect execution” with 3 kids and a baby to be working with? I know I’m giving them the habit of minimal performance/effort, and I don’t have the energy to fix it.
I have been trying to do habit training with them for about 4 years now…. and obviously I’m not doing it right, because I don’t have anything remotely like smooth and easy days…..
Whatever made me think I’d be a good mom?
I’m sorry your having a rough day! As far as housekeeping goes, have you looked at Flylady.com? I found it to be an excellent website for organizing and cleaning. I’ve looked at many books and websites for cleaning, and this is by far the best in my opinion. She also addresses children, so it may helpful to look there.
On the habit part, I’ve wondered the same thing. I was wanting my kids to clean their rooms after breakfast WITHOUT dawdling. Well, I cannot be in two rooms at once, plus I’ve got a 2 year old to watch. So, I figured I’d start with my oldest. I’ve not been consistant at it yet, so I can’t say we’ve come a long way, but working on *one* habit with *one* child is the only solution I’ve come up with. If anyone else can give their thoughts on this, I’d appreciate hearing it as well. I thought as soon as my oldest gets it down, I can then move on to the younger. Hope this helps a little. Praying your day gets better and that God gives you wisdom in dealing with this!!
Yeah, I’ve been a flybaby for a while, but can’t seem to get past the first few babysteps… plus the concept of tackling a job 15min at a time.
I didn’t see much on there for kids except CD’s of songs to buy, links to the House Fairy (both of which cost money), and the emails I get with the kids challenges. I tried the other day having the kids clean their rooms with a 10 minute timer… and it worked ok the first night, and didn’t work at all the 2nd.
My kids also do Accountable Kids… which has mostly helped me not get too upset… but hasn’t helped them do thins without prodding, or with their attitude, or with getting habits down. We are only on step 2 of the 4 step process. Step 2 is supposed to be motivating, but doesn’t seem to be. (No-one has earned a single “star” on their card yet…)
Last year, while pregnant, I tried setting up Managers of Their Homes – but just didn’t have the energy.
Managers of Their Homes always seemed way too intensive for me! 🙂
Do you think it is all habit issues with your kids, or do you think there is more going on? I’ve not looked at Accountable Kids before. Are the stars simply a way of marking a job off, on the chart, or as a reward? The reason I ask, is I kind of question the whole idea of rewarding for chores. Which brings me back to my first question. Do you think it is a matter of your children just not having the skills to do what is being asked of them, or do you think it may be more of an obedience issue? I obviously think children need to be trained how to do chores and all…(even I need to have things writen down so I dont’ forget!), but if you think it might be a heart issue, there are some books and DVD’s that I belive are Biblical, and I could let you know what I’ve been blessed in reading.
Please don’t misunderstand me…I’m not at all implying that your kids are disobedient and that is the whole problem!! I sincerely hope I’m not coming across that way!!! 🙂I am so sorry – those days happen. You are a good mom; the one who has been chosen to guide your little ones through their young lives. Smooth and easy days…. we strive for them as well…. strive is the key word there.
I don’t have a lot of time to spare right now, but one thing we have found that works well is to only let them have as much as they can look after. I have no personal problems taking a box (or however many it takes) and making a sweep through a room that has already been “cleaned”. Whatever isn’t away/tidy is taken away. They earn it back (slowly) by keeping what they are left with in order, and keeping their other chores done well (good attitude included). Obviously they need to reach a certain age before this is a fair thing to implement.
If I see poor attitudes with work (like stomping, etc), I usually give more work. I usually give more work for incomplete work also. This can be done gently, not in a harsh way, just as a consequence. I realize not everyone will agree with this approach, but it works quite well here. I’m not talking piles more work, nothing unreasonable, just a small consequence for poor work the first time. Obviously this is only enforced if the child knows fully what is expected, and just doesn’t do it (or does it with a poor attitude).
I do generally check right away, because if I don’t I run into the same problems – work done poorly or seemingly not at all. If I am nursing a baby or having some other difficulty, it has to wait. The child can always come back later to fix it up (I usually get them to stop playtime or whatever fun thing they’re doing to finish the task well). If that’s the best that can be done on your part, that’s the best that can be done. Remember, Charlotte was a teacher, not a homeschooler with toddlers and babies at her feet 🙂
A friend of mine had health troubles, and she would give the child a digital camera to take a picture of the completed work. She would check the work that way when clean up/chores/whatever else was done. Then she would send the child back if necessary to finish up, then take another picture. Perhaps that might be a useful idea?
I hope this helps a little. Don’t give up! Though it likely seems far away, they will be older soon, and able to help more, especially if you keep on track with your training now.
Gaeleen
One thing that really worked for us to keep kids from dawdling during chores was to have them do chores BEFORE breakfast. We started with chores after breakfast, and I was constantly getting on to them about taking too long, not doing it right, dawdling, playing, etc. My kids LOVE to help cook breakfast, so I finally got the bright idea to use that to my advantage.
I told them their morning chores (making bed, folding jammies and putting away, unloading dishwasher or wiping baseboards, depending on the day) had to be done before breakfast and that they would not be allowed to help with breakfast until their chores were completed to my satisfaction. The first week was hard because they would still be working on chores, and I would cook breakfast without them; but they caught on, we haven’t had a problem since. It was a natural consequence for them to not be able to do something they enjoyed (helping w/ breakfast) if they were going to dawdle and mess around during chore-time.
Also, missceegee (Christie) has a redemption box and it seems to work really well for her. If she finds something the kids left out, be it a school book, toy, lego, shoe, glove, whatever, she puts in in the redemption box. If the children then need or want that item back, they have to pay for it. The money has to come out of their own earned money, and it teaches them that there are consequences to leaving their things lying around. I really like her idea, though we haven’t implemented it in our house.
It might be a wise idea to take a week or so off of school and just work on this habit. That’s school too! These are life skills that are absolutely necessary for them to function throughout life, so don’t feel guilty that it’s not “book work”.
I truly hope your day gets better!
Lindsey
Great ideas ladies! I also go a little further, the rule in our house is that you can’t have breakfast until your room is clean, so if it isn’t clean by the time we are sitting down to eat, no breakfast. We use 2 Thessalonians 3:10: “For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat.”(a little out of context I know, but the general principle is good) We have done that for dinner as well with house cleaning chores/laundry, etc. It’s amazing how fast kids can do the job right when their meal is involved! That has only happened once or twice because they learn that I stick to the rule.
We also do a penny check, (or dime, dollar whatever you have for your kids) and everything I find on the floor, or not in the correct place costs a penny from their piggy banks.
Another thing that has helped SO much in our house is encouragment slips. I started using them a year ago and it has done wonders for them and for me! It helps me look for the good they are doing instead of always seeing the ngeatives. I made a laminated sheet with their name or picture on it and slips with character traits on them(ours are: cheerful heart, unselfish, diligence, obedience, and peace-maker). There are verses dealing with these traits on the chart. Anytime I see them doing one of these well I give them a slip to put in their pocket sheet. After 20 slips(or whatever your family decides on, it also varies by age) they get a reward(sleep in our bed, or sleep in a tent in their room, stay up 30 minutes late, etc.) I never take away slips(my son would never reach the 20!) and it’s also a great visual for my husband and myself to look in the pockets and see what they are doing well, and what we need to talk with them about throughout the week.
I also second the ideas from houseofchaos, of adding more work, or other consequences for poor attitudes. At our home obedience isn’t obedience if it isn’t done right away, the right way and with a cheerful heart in our house.
Lastly, but most importantly, are you praying for them in these areas? I always realize I get frustrated with them and realize I haven’t even prayed about the situation, for wisdom for myself and for their hearts to be changed.
With you in the overwhelming but fulfilling job of raising our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, Adrienne
I just want to say I know how you feel and looks like we are both having hard weeks. I appreciated your replies on my post and hopefully I can give you so help too. I love what others have said. But I really think they need less stuff. If they can’t keep up with what they got then they need less to take care of. So pack up everything and they can earn something back one thing at a time. Donate a lot too. I really think we all need to minimize our life, if we minimize our stuff, it’s less to organize and you have more time to enjoy being with each other. Well this is my goal at least and I am starting to go room by room and declutter. I have a long way to go, but I know I will get there someday.
Good luck and I hope things get better for you soon!
Well, it was a hard day, but I’m feeling better. Shortly after I wrote, my son started doing his math on his own. We got most of the stuff done (I ended up having to leave to pick up my grandson) – and they did all their violin practice too. Both rooms are fairly good now.
I have over the last couple of years taken away so many toys it isn’t even funny. My son basically has Lego, lego magazines, a copule of stuffies, some books, and a few other things. The girls have more at the moment as I recently gave them back the Duplo, and they have a bit of their toy food for their toy kitchen (but not all of it) and a fair number of stuffies… they do also have a bunch of the random junk toys that seem to come out of nowhere through. The wood train set is in storage, and there is a bunch of toys in storage, plus I’ve given away a ton. We also cut down the clothing.
Anyway, things will get better… just having trouble finding what will work the best for these guys.
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