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Habit training for dd w/ autism
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I’m new to SCM and to homeschooling. I am starting homeschooling (very informally) with my 5 yo dd this year. My dd has high-functioning autism and we new pretty early she’d do best being homeschooled. I’ve researched a lot over the years and feel so at home with the CM philosophy and ideals. It’s been such a comfort to find something I resonate with! I especially am thankful for all I’ve been learning at SCM, specifically.
However, I’m really struggling a lot with the habit training part. I bought Laying Down the Rails and found so much that was insightful and wise. I learned so much. But when I try to apply things to my dd, I feel like there is a huge gap in her understanding and comprehension. When I talk about being respectful or the importance of obedience, she just doesn’t seem to get it. She knows right and wrong – it’s black and white so that’s easy for her to understand. But taking the conceptual leaps to obedience, attention, integrity – I just feel like I’m hitting a wall and it’s so discouraging sometimes. Can anyone resonate with this? Has anyone struggled with putting CM’s habits into practice with a child that might lack the understanding? I guess I’m wondering if I should adjust my expectations or my approach- I’m just not always sure how to do it. If anyone has an wisdom or can simply resonate with this struggle, I would welcome your thoughts and insight.
Thanks so much for reading.
Edie
With Autism, the child often thinks very concretely, and ideas like obedience, attention, integrity are all very abstract. I think you need to break it down into smaller chunks for her and make it concrete. Give her examples and details about how to do what you are asking of her. Instead of telling her she must be obedient, tell her she must always do what Mommy says right away. Instead of telling her she must pay attention to her work, tell her she must keep her eyes on only her paper until she is done. Instead of telling her she must have intengrity tell her that her words must be the same as what she does.
HTH
Thanks so much for your kind response. That’s very helpful. Yes, I do think breaking it down more will help a lot and making things more concrete will help her understanding. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond! Your response really encouraged me. I really was in need of some fresh perspective after a tough weekend.
Thanks again.
Edie
It is very difficult with our autistic children, Edie, because they don’t seem to pick up as readily the connection between an incident and a consequence. Curlywhirly has a good point about not necessarily using the overarching term and giving practical applications. Probably the two biggest adjustments I have made is (1) to expect that instilling a new habit will take longer than the six to eight weeks that Charlotte mentioned. With our ASD kids, it will probably take much longer; but that’s okay. Growth is growth. (2) When selecting which habit to focus on, I pick first the ones that will be most likely to protect her. For example, obeying me is crucial. It’s too easy for her to get into harm’s way in a parking lot or when crossing the street or when she dislocates her kneecap and doesn’t cry or even tell anybody, and if she won’t obey me in the midst of those situations, bad things could happen. Does that make sense?
That makes perfect sense, Sonya. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Yes, I do need more patience and to adjust my expectations that things will take longer. Thanks for saying that’s okay!! I think I need some validation that this very slow process is okay being slow. Like a lot of ASD kids, my dd’s development is so incongruent in a lot of areas- she taught herself to read at an early age and she memorizes anything she looks at – so I forget that my expectations need to be adjusted in other areas where her development is much, much slower. It’s something I know but I think I forget sometimes when I’m in the midst of it all. And the connection not being made between incidents and consequences – thank you for writing that! That’s what prompted me to write for advice yesterday was a long weekend where connections weren’t made and I was getting frustrated.
I also think obedience is the perfect habit to start with for her. Did you use the Coriell book with your daughter? I like that it gives concrete examples and was thinking about purchasing it.
Thanks again for your kind and helpful response. It gave me a lot of relief and perspective I needed. I am grateful.
Edie
I’ve used a mixture of stories about obedience, but mainly focused on keeping my expectations simple yet solid in that area every day. It’s a challenge to find a consequence that means something to her, but the Lord has given wisdom in the various situations over the years and I’m sure He will do the same for you. I’ve noticed that it takes quite a while for a connection to process. It’s often a pattern of two steps forward one-and-a-half steps back, and it’s easy to get discouraged during those “back” times. But I’ve begun to notice that it is during those “back” times, or at least times when we don’t seem to be moving forward at all, that she must be reflecting and processing. Because the end of those waiting times is usually signaled by her grasping a concept that I thought she would never “get.”
So don’t despair. Hold your ground, but adjust the “climb” to her unique needs. You’ll be just fine.
The lack of connection between incidents and consequences is a problem, indeed. I find that often when I say to my son, “If you do X, then you won’t get Y,” he’ll respond with, “So?” Many times I have to just let him suffer consequences (and sometimes more than once) before he will make the connection. I have come to realize that it’s not that he doesn’t care about a consequence; it’s just that he doesn’t care at the moment. After it happens, then there is the beginning of light dawning. And after a few “trials,” he gets it.
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