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Habit questions
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I’ve read Laying Down the Rails, as well as much of CM’s writing about habits, but I’m still struggling with two areas.
First, as I understand it, the first step is to gain commitment or agreement from the child that the habit is one that they want to develop. What do you do when there is a habit that you see as important, but the child really doesn’t care one way or the other? For example, my DD8 leaves messes behind whereever she goes. She flits from one activity to another, and leaves a trail behind her. I’ve tried to narrow things down to focus on a few things, starting in her room. I’d like to work on having her put her clothes in the proper place. Currently, she either just drops them on the floor, or shoves them (clean or dirty) into her drawers. We’ve talked about how the clothes will stay nicer if they are put away properly, how she will have more space to play if they aren’t all over the floor, how her little sister trips over them on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night, how she won’t have clean clothes to wear if she puts them away dirty, how her dresser drawers are breaking because the clothes are just shoved in. We’ve put fewer clothes in her drawers, but if they are shoved in partially inside out in a big lump, they still take up too much space. She is a very loving, obedient child, but really, she only cares because I care. She really isn’t bothered by clothes on the floor or crammed in her drawers. She’ll wear them dirty without concern. This just isn’t an area that she independently wants to change. So, she doesn’t. As soon as I ask her if her clothes are put away, she’ll do it (obedience is a habit we are fairly good at) but I feel like I’m just nagging, not really helping a habit to form.
Which brings me to the next question. How do I help change a habit when I simply cannot be in the same room with the child every time they need to remember a habit? The clothes thing is one, but another is that two of my children (DD8 and DS6) seem to have an inability to remember to flush the toilet and wash their hands. Again, we’ve discussed the reasons this is important, including the fact that it drives DH CRAZY!. But they are just not concerned about it. And with 5 young children, in a two level home, I just am not always there when they leave the bathroom to give that ‘look’ or to consistently follow through. So the habit has not developed. My DD4 comes to me everytime and announces ‘I went pee, and flushed and washed!” (DH jokes that we can never let her have a twitter account, she’ll be posting everything she does.) The older two, however, constantly forget.
These are just two examples, but the principles are the same. If they don’t internalize a need to change, and if I’m not right beside them every minute, there will be no habit development. I can’t seem to get past these two challenges.
Any suggestions?
Joanne
For the bathroom issue I ended up putting up a small laminated sign next to the handle with a picture of hands washing in a sink to remind them to wash thier hands. I aslo have step-by-step pictures above the sink with small phases for handwashing procedures. If they are not remembering to flush then you could also put up a sign next to the toilet paper with a picture of the handle and a reminder to flush the toilet. This type of reminder has worked for my kids and after it is habit you are able to take the signs down.
For the clothes, how about setting a time when you can check this. Before lunch or dinner would be a good time or whenever you would normaly tell her to pick up her clothes. Then do a drawer check. If you find a mess and mixed up clothes have her do it again properly. And so on until it is right. After a few times redoing the drawers, she will hopefully get the idea and start doing it on her own. There is a saying that I can’t remember the exact wording to but it is along the lines of “If you want something done right, you have to check up on it to make sure it is right.” The actual saying is more eloquent.
Also make sure you have sat down and showed her exactly what you want and stay with her a couple times to make sure she is doing correctly. This is the step a lot of people seem to gloss over. I know I am a big culpret of that. You can’t expect the kids to do it right if you haven’t shown them how.
That’s all I got. I have done similar things with my kids and it does take some time, but they do eventually get it and do it on thier own.
Thanks suzukimom. I need to have this up somewhere so I can remember to check up on the kids. I forget this step a lot and combined with forgetting to show them how get upset when they don’t do what I ask. I’ve been learning that a lot of the discipline and chores issues depend more on how involved I am than what the kids have or have not done.
“Don’t expect what you don’t inspect” —- this has caused more burnt meals than anyone can count!!! *L*
It took me so long to realize that I needed to discipline myself to inspect their work – regardless of what I’m in the middle of. I end up calling children back from going outside or from a new activity to re-do a job.
Thanks for the ideas, Ruth. We do have a poster with hand washing instructions, but not on the paper. I might try that. I also do follow the ‘inspect what you expect’ philosophy, which helps get the job done.
What I’m more concerned about, though, is how to help them make the effort without the constant reminders. If I come and check the drawers every day, they’ll stay clean. If I don’t, they won’t. So then it’s MY habit, not theirs. How do we help children take responsibility and really ‘own’ their behaviour? If I want clean drawers, I can do that myself. What I want is a child who actually cares about taking care of her own belongings, not just one who does it to keep me happy.
I’ve had roommates and friends and family members who live like slobs as adults. I know their parents taught them to clean up. Even as adults, though, they just don’t care. Items get lost or broken, so they buy new ones, wasting money and creating clutter. They don’t socialize because they don’t want to invite people into their messy homes. I even know of at least one marriage break-up where a major factor was one spouse that just couldn’t get control of their stuff. I’ve had someone break committments to get together because they have to stay home and clean up stuff. I think this is a problem. I want to teach my children that it matters, not just because Mom wants it clean. but because it affects your life.
I guess what I really want is to MAKE them care, which I realize is unrealistic, impossible, and really not even a good thing in the long run. So what I need to know is how to teach them to care. Does anyone have any examples of how they have done that first step of habit training? How do you help your children be motivated to develop the habits that you are trying to lay down?
Joanne
The only thing I can think of along that line is natural consiquences. Let her see what it is to live like that. Let her wear the dirty clothes because she put them back in the drawer, but she dosen’t get to go out because she is not clean and presentable. Don’t tell this to her before hand though. Let her go about her day, then when she wants to go out tell her no she can’t because she is not presentable. Let her figure out what is wrong. That may at least get her to sort her clothes properly. As far as puting them away nicely, I really think it is a matter of repetition to form the habit. I know I was not made to put things away nicely and it is hard for me now to do so. My husband on the other hand is a stickler with it because that is how he was brought up. I am more diligant about having my kids do things “the right way” because I know how hard it is to live life when you haven’t been taught how.
Edited: I grew up as a slob, but now I keep my house clean because it is mine and I want it to look nice. Now that I am responsible for my own stuff and my husbans and kids I am more careful of how they are teated. Perhaps if she paid for her clothes or if she is not already, have her do her laundry. Give her the responsibility and hopefully that will give her the motivation she needs to take care of her own things.
Just a thought — but how is the rest of yout home? The counters/table in the kitchen, the LR, whatever the most used areas are? If they are always neat and tidy, perhaps your kids can’t appreciate the difference you can FEEL in clean, uncluttered living. But if you have times where they get messy, piled up, then you get them all clean and neat and pretty, maybe you can talk about how it feels??
As for the bathroom issues…maybe there’s some kind of video that shows through animation the germs and stuff on our hands before we wash??? I’m reaching here, and it could have a negative reactionary effect of your kids becoming OCD about washing. lol
ETA: I wrote this before I saw the previous post — I really like those ideas, and doing laundry is great. Another thought might be to only allow her to keep in her drawers what she is able to keep neatly. So maybe that means she starts with just 2-3 shirts or whatever, then as she keeps it neat she could “earn” another shirt or whatever and see if she can keep that amount neat and tidy. Maybe even with trimming down what she has it’s still just too much. Not sure if any of this is helpful, but I’m really glad you brought this up because it has me thinking more of some of the things we are struggling with.
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