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Habit of Usefulness
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How do you teach the habit of being useful? I so want my children to seek out and take opportunities to help me, each other, and others in general. It seems like I have to ask or tell them to do everything. Granted, they do have the habit of obedience down, so when I ask or tell, whatever I need does get done. I would really like them to see what needs to be done and act without my telling them.
I want them to notice the pile of laundry on the couch and just fold it, or even ask if it’s ok for them to fold it. I want them to see people’s dishes left on the table and clear them, without my asking. I want them to see their bookshelf needing to be straightened, and just straighten the books.
My children are 7 1/2 and 6. How can I teach them this habit?
Blessings,
Lindsey
I’d love to know the answer to that, too. Truthfully, we are still working on obedience. We have a couple of strong-willed ones over here.
I do want to instill in my children a desire to serve others, though. We look for small ways to help others (as a family) without being asked: Cooking a special meal for a busy family, picking up the neighbor’s trash when the bin gets knocked over before trash pickup, serving the younger children lunch before we get our own, etc.
Lindsey, I think this is a habit that has to be taught (as most are, I suppose) first and foremost by example. Your question has caused me to think about my own attitude here in the home. I am asking myself if I radiate gratitude for the opportunities to serve my family and do I verbalize that? Do I see a child’s hamper overflowing and say, “Wow, you look like you could use some help getting your laundry caught up.” Or do I fuss at them for not doing their chores?
I have to say that this is a habit that is easier to train for use outside of the home than in. I guess the kudos that we receive helps to spur us on to good works. My children just love to serve…outside the home. It’s the serving in the trenches, without any chance of reward, that is so very difficult.
You are such a blessing to your children to want to instill this in them early. I am also blessed as you have spurred me on to be a better example for my own crew. To that end, I intend to tell them that I am happy and honored to be able to see a need and meet the need. The book of John is so full of that very thing: Jesus saw the need and met the need over and over. I will plan to take a child aside and say, “Let’s think of a need that your brother or sister has and take care of that for them.” That sort of thing.
Blessings,
Cindy
Cindy, I love your take on this. It’s just the reminder I needed to hear tonight. Blessings, Christie
Cindy,
That’s such a great point. I feel I am a useful person. I mean, no one ever has to ask me to cook a meal or do the laundry. LOL I don’t know that I’m that good at expressing the joy and fulfillment I experience when I do those things, however. That may be one thing that’s missing from the atmosphere of our home. Now, I will say I rarely do something grudgingly, but I also don’t express how much I love staying at home and serving my family either. That’s definitely something my children need to be seeing and hearing.
Usefulness outside the home is as nonexistent as usefulness inside the home for us. Even if we go to another family’s house for dinner, my children will ask to be excused and take their plate from the table, but that’s it. They never offer to help clean up after the meal or to clean up toys, if they played with another child. My dh and I always try to help our hosts put their home back in order before we leave, but our children seem to just get upset when it’s time to leave rather than expressing how grateful they are for the invitation to be in another family’s home. I may be talking about two separate issues now, but I see that they go hand in hand.
How do you also teach your children to be useful both in and out of the home, whether there’s a reward or incentive involved or not? I’m totally not into bribing my kids to be helpful.
Thanks,
Lindsey
Lindsey,
I would not expect children as young as yours would have mastered this one. At this age, I would say it is a matter of obedience and practice at home. At home, train them to clear their places, thank the chef, and ask, “What can I do to help?” Do this over and over again and when you are at a friend’s home you will only need to give them a gentle reminder (and it’s really okay to lovingly train our children in front of our hosts-I was shy of doing that early on because I was too prideful
). I have older children as well as younger ones and I still remind the olders, “What are the six words you need to remember to ask?” (What can I do to help?) After visiting, we tell them that cleaning up is one way we say thank you to our hosts. Then it just becomes an issue of obedience.I think a lot of what we struggle with is a lack of verbalizing what we are trying to train. I come from a long line of ‘stewers’ and so this is especially hard for me. I just silently go about my business when I could be saying, “I see this need, let’s meet it together.”
I am disjointed, I have a little one here that is pestering to go outside and see the new horse that my husband brought home late last night, sorry!
Blessings,
Cindy
What a great topic…I’d recently thought of asking this myself!! It seems like it’s hard to balance teaching service to others while also teaching responsibility to clean up their own messes. If I talk to them about service, soon after they’ll say, “Mom, can you serve me by getting my glass of water?” LOL…but doesn’t seem funny at the time, after I’ve been also teaching them if they can do it themselves they should do it:) And great input, Cindy…will have to remember that! Gina
This is such an interesting topic. I agree that your children are a little too young to expect this one… although I do like the “What can I do to help?” question. However, I would like to share a couple of strange stories with you all.
A couple of weeks ago I was at a friend’s house. She has younger kiddos (10 and under). My fourteen year old was a little bored, but he pressed on admirably entertaining the smaller kids. At the end my girlfriend pulled me aside and gushed over my son. Evidently he walked by and seeing that her garbage can was overflowing, offered to take it out for her.
Weird.
About a week later it was getting late and my dh asked the kids to do the dishes. He hadn’t been home all day and didn’t know that I had worked them pretty hard. So I told everyone not to worry about it. I’d do the dishes. They could get ready for bed and relax. No complaints from the crew. However, five minutes into the dish washing my 13 year old came out, grabbed a dish towel and started drying. I couldn’t believe it. I told him not to worry about it, but he just kept going. He said it would just get done quicker this way. Five minutes later my fourteen year old joined us. Honestly I looked around for a hidden camera. What in the world was going on?
I have no idea how these things happened. It doesn’t happen all the time or even most of the time. BUT they have started doing it. I haven’t trained them… although if I could figure out how it happened I’d do it on purpose. I do wonder if there is something about puberty (and all the changes in our brain) that makes us capable of seeing things outside of ourselves a little differently. Maybe I’m just grasping and kids do what they are trained to do… I don’t know. But I do have hope. Maybe this will give you all some hope, too. 🙂
Thanks, Jen…..that is hopeful!!! Interesting about puberty. My dd just turned 12 and her room used to always drive me crazy….stuff all over the floor and dressers does not bother her one bit. But just in the last 2 weeks she’s decided on her own to organize and has kept it clean. I agree…WEIRD:) Gina
With little ones, I wonder if it would work well to make a game out of it. Maybe a few times a day, stop everything and gather in a room where you know there are some things that need to be done. Then present the game: I see three things you could do to help in this room (or however you want to word it). Challenge the children to “find” those things and then do them. And encourage their coming up with things that you didn’t see initially. If you played this game a couple times a day for a few weeks, it would probably start engraining a habit of looking around for ways to help.
You could even carry it to places outside the home by having a “secret signal” that you use to let them know how many things you’ve spotted in whatever situation they find themselves.
Just a thought.
). I have older children as well as younger ones and I still remind the olders, “What are the six words you need to remember to ask?” (What can I do to help?) After visiting, we tell them that cleaning up is one way we say thank you to our hosts. Then it just becomes an issue of obedience.
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