Giving Preschooler Feeling of Control

I don’t have a specific objection that I can point out to you at this point (and it has been a while since I read it, and have been considering re-reading it….)

The tomato staking would be very difficult for me with 4 children… 

and it did seem to me that at first there would be a lot of swatting (although they do have recommendations for those that would rather not swat).

At first, yes, RGT does require a lot of swats.  Your son will test you like crazy – but you MUST stand firm!  If you back down even once, they rule again – and you have to start all over.  It is so much easier to start when they are super young – like 1 year old!  I started with my son when he was about 16 mths old, and he was by far the easiest of my 4.  As I got lax, he got worse, until it was just a disaster.  Once I figured out it was a discipline issue and not a “terrible 2’s” issue, it’s gotten a lot better.  Not perfect (because I still am not 100% good at keeping him near me), but way better.  My older kids are 8, 7, and 5.  My 8yo is much better now, but she still could use a good dose of Tomato Staking again.  The 7yo gets distracted very easily, and the 5yo is known to throw a temper tantrum whenever I tell her to do something.  Yep, more tomato staking is in order – and I hear you have to do it from time to time as they grow.  Children test.  As a parent, you must win.

BTW, my children would not say I am overly harsh or mean, even when I discipline.  If I discipline them, they know they deserve it – and they’d tell you that.  🙂  Even Aaron knows when I am disciplining him when he deserves it, and when I am just picking fights because I’m in a bad mood or whatever.  And he’s only 2.  Find plenty of good things to praise your son about – praise him for doing something you want him to do, especially if he does it all on his own.  As Janell alluded to, permissiveness does not equal gentleness, and harshness does not equal discipline.

Hope all this is helping!  (((hugs))) and prayers as you figure him out!

I haven’t read or implemented any of the RGT materials, only the Trumball book adn the ones I suggested. I did forget to mention that the Boundaries series was extremely helpful to me, mainly in dealing with a husband with no sense of other’s boundaries (or his own) and as an adult being married to someone like that is highly disruptive and destructive to a relationship.

I agree with Janell as well. What ends up happening, too, when you delay discipline (or don’t discipline), you don’t become more gentle; your stress level actually grows and you end up being exactly what you’re afraid of being–out of control and angry yourself.

Rachel

I reallly object to the idea that parents must rule over and completely control their children. Especially when you add in “swatting”or other forms of physical violence. I just cannot imagine Jesus “swatting” at my sweet little 1 year old. It is completely possible to set firm loving limits in a way that is respectful of your child’s personhood and does not involve causing them physical pain. Possible resources include

Love and Logic (there are tons of books, videos, etc. in this series that should be available through your library)

gentlechristianmothers.com

Blessings, Rachel

I respect each family’s decision to parent in whatever manner they choose and I acknowledge there is more than one right way. What works in my home may not be for you and vice versa. And that is ok. However, in discussions such as these it is much better to share what works for you rather than insinuate those that do it differently are being abusive, violent, controlling and disrespectful of their children. With all due respect, it could not be further from the truth to use terms like those to describe many families who use a method like RGT in training their kids. As I stated in a previous post, consistency is the key to any type of child rearing and we need not assume the worst of those who choose a different path.

The SCM forum has always been a place where people can ask for advice and receive it from all sides of the spectrum in a respectful manner and then make their decisions accordingly. Discussions regarding discipline and child training always have the possibility of becoming volatile, but if we can formulate our responses in way that is not inciting or demeaning to others we will go far to avoid that volatility.

Respectfully,

Christie

Sorry i didn’t have time to read all the posts. I am just sort of jumping in right here. I know they go threw a stage where they want to control things. It seems when we hit that stage and I could feel it I made my kids my special helpers. I taught them to wipe down the table so it was clean for dinner. Helped me make dinner. Even if I was a little short that day. I relaxed and gave them a job I didn’t really care about. Like putting the silverware away from the basket in the dishwasher. Wiping down the sink in the bathroom. Rinse the dishes, even thought they spent more time playing. I ended up doing them but they played in the water and forgot about dishes, me and a power struggle that was avoided. I let my daughter wipe down the cabinets with a diaper wipe. She goes around wiping other things now. It is sort of funny. But she is being helpful and she enjoys her part. When they get older they clean they toilet, floor, put dishes away and played with the baby. It was small jobs but it kept them out of my hair while I got something done and they felt important. Look for the small things for them to do. Tell them how important it is to you.  🙂