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Expecting their best
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Part of the CM philosophy is requiring them to give their best. How do I find a balance between expecting their best and pushing them too hard?
I’ve noticed my older DC’s handwriting has slipped in quality. I’ve told them quite a few times to do their best, even if it takes them longer. It’s definitely readable, but a bit sloppy. I don’t want to nag them, but I also know they can do better. They seem to be very content doing the absolute minimum in other subjects as well.
I also struggle with getting them to obey or clean. For example, they will sweep the kitchen, but leave quite a bit of crumbs on the floor. How would I handle this? I feel like we’ve reached a place where they are no longer improving in these areas, but I hate to be overbearing. I know one of my issues is consistency…I am so distracted with 4 kids that I often let things slide or give in to their requests because it’s easier than fighting the issue.
I’ve struggled with this too (even with my very young kids). My oldest has a very keen attention to detail. I almost want him to lighten up sometimes and not be so uptight and perfectionistic. I wonder if I’ve created a monster by expecting and teaching excellence. I want him to give and receive grace and know that it’s okay to not be perfect.
This is a tough issue! No answers or advice, just empathy!
I think the amount of ‘push’ each child needs is very specific to that child. My 10yo wants everything perfect and can take quite a bit of correcting – he wants his work to be ‘right’. My 8yo is very ‘happy-go-lucky’ and I cannot push him too hard, or he will get very down on himself and want to quit.
This reminds me of the scripture on love: ‘…love is patient, love is kind…love hopes all things, believes all things….’. For me as a mom, that means that even in wanting excellent performance, I must be kind in my delivery and believe the best of my kids. I must believe that they are trying and want to do good work, or the relationship will become me against the kids very quickly. And that is frustrating for everyone!
In schoolwork: have you tried slowing down the content, but supervising their work as much as you can for a while?
When I see the kids doing less than their best work, we become a ‘team’ in their schoolwork. They give me their completed work for every lesson for review before being allowed to continue to the next subject. If the work is sloppy, it must be done over. I know this sounds mean, but a great deal depends on your patient and gently approach. It only takes a couple of days of this and my kids are back to doing their best.
As far as chores:
I was in management for quite a few years, and this bleeds over into my ‘mommy’ mode. And I have to admit that I use the same principles and they are effective! And the principle is? Train, train, re-train. Don’t be surprised when they slip into complacency – that is our nature (falling short…) in the flesh.
A child who is consistently and gently led to do his best will eventually develop the habit of doing his best. But he must be required (by you) to do good work.
So, if the child missed some crumbs and moved on to a game with his brother? He has to finish the job correctly (and with the proper spirit) before he can play the game. What is the game is over by the time he is finished? Well, that is the natural consequence of not doing a job well – you miss other opportunities if you waste your time.
Finally – use of time is a stewardship issue. You may want to do a Bible study with the kids on the use of their God given resources: time, money, talents, etc…
Charlotte addressed this so well with her, “I am, I can, I ought, I will”. Generally, we find that when there is a breakdown in dilligence with our kids, it is because they are misunderstanding who they are, what they are capable of, what they owe to God and the family, or their freedom to choose right vs. wrong. Maybe by praying and studying these things with the kids, you will make progress and decrease the frustration.
We have 5 kids, and I can relate to the lack of fighting the issue. But remember that it only takes about a month to create a new habit…and with a little maintenence it will pay off continually for you and your kids! Blessings to you!
What a great topic! I am going to be thinking on this. I really like ServingWithJoy’s advice on the chores. I remember in CM’s volume 1 where she describes the boy who always forgets to close the door and he has to come back and do it again the “right way” whenever that happened. Consistently. And soon the matter was resolved. But it wasn’t done with constant reminding and nagging. Mom speaks directly to her child about the habit to be cultivated, and very much comes across as being on “his side” in the situation. But the way she reminds him is just so classic — I will have to go look it up. [Going from memory here, so hopefully I’m getting the details right. *My* memory isn’t what it could be. lol] The mother is so patient and consistent. Unfortunately (for me), I think so many things come back to consistency. <sigh>
I face the problem you have, but then also sometimes face the flip side — when they are trying so much to do their best that they take a ridiculously long time! My older kids really struggled to keep up with their ps peers in handwritten timed essay situations — and I think it’s in part because they either wrote VERY neatly (but not as fast) or typed (which they became quite proficient at doing). So now I’m thinking ahead with my elementary crew and thinking that they need to understand that there is value in getting the job DONE in a timely, efficient manner, while still being neat enough to read. But when to address that? I just discussed this with my almost 9yo today as I look ahead to longer passages of writing — be it copyworkor whatever. Not really sure though if maybe it is too soon.
Looking forward to more replies and thinking about this some more!
Oooh! This is so good. OK, so the “shut the door story” is on pages 119-124, especially 122-124 (Home Education / volume 1). I’m going to reread a bunch tonight, I think. lol
Or you can read it online here — the whole thing is good, but the story is in the last half of the page if you scroll down:
http://www.amblesideonline.org/CM/1_3.html
I read the door story recently…I think it’s also in Laying Down the Rails. I am guilty of letting it slide because “they’ve been so good with their habit”. I’ve been trying to fix this. I guess my habit is to work on approaching them gently (instead of sternly or just letting it slide).
Part of the problem is that my DC are pretty much all “happy-go-lucky” and I have to be careful with all of them. My oldest will give up the second anything is too hard. I think this is her biggest problem and needs to be fixed…maybe that should be her habit to work on? I think I worry more about her than my younger ones combined! She can get into a pouty mood very easily and we need to work on this as well.
Thank you for your responses, they give me much to think about.
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