Educating Myself/Doing Things for Me

I suppose I might come across as selfish, but I am in need of some learning, reading, project time for me!  I don’t know if that ties in to Mother Culture or not.  I desire to read through several books I own and others from the library or other sources, to catalog more books into my home library, to watch the awesome DVD set from SCM I’ve had for ages (as well as Sally Clarkson and Carole Joy Seid), to have some time to write, etc.  I feel like I never can make myself do those things when I have the chance (instead I often get caught wasting time on Facebook or in some other way).  So frustrating!  I suppose I should go back to reading my copy of Laying Down the Rails for Yourself and maybe I’ll find some helpful, directional tidbit.  I am one who likes to have a plan laid out and when the “plan” (whether mine for my “learning” or the kids’ school plan) falls through I struggle to maintain some sort of order.  The other issue truly is that I am not joyful right now about learning and that is hard to get past.  When I’m not excited about what we’re doing, why should my kiddos be?  Funny thing is that when I find that thing, plan, or idea that excites and I bring it forth for my crew their response is less than supportive and interested.  Where is the balance in must do, mama wants to, and delight-led enjoyment?  I’m rambling…I know it.  I guess I’m hoping that another mama out there has some suggestions, some ideas, some hopeful words, or maybe can relate.  I want to dive in to some things for me because then I feel like my joy, excitement, and contentment will spill over onto my children for their studies.  Where do I get a new reserve of energy to do what I want to do and, of course, not waste my time doing nothingness?  And where do my beautiful babies fit into all of this?  Oh, Father, help me!