Doing more harm than good?

amama5,

It doesn’t sound like you don’t love your son. If you didn’t love him, you wouldn’t be trying to do what’s best for him and the rest of the family. The way your feeling is normal (and acceptable, I might add), and you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself for not wanting to put up with his behavior.

In my opinion, I don’t think putting him in school is the best solution. First, school can’t teach him what only Home can. Such a high value is placed on Home and Family in the Scriptures that I can’t imagine the school environment offering more than you can offer yourself. I think the school environment might harm him more than keeping him home for several reasons.

1. Can or will a teacher ever use Scripture, Christian role models, or natural consequences to teach good habits and instill self-control to walk in those habit? No.
2. If your son did go to school and his behaviors continued, he would likely spend a considerable amount of time in the principal’s office or detention, which would lessen the amount he’s learning and probably cause him to have more homework or fall behind.
3. 13 is a difficult age anyway. I wouldn’t want to be dealing with all you’re currently going through only to add the hardships and awkwardness of junior high/high school on top of all that.
4. Rhetorical question: what can school offer him that you can’t?? And how can school teach him to interact with his family, if he’s not with his family most of the time?

I don’t blame you for wanting to get away from the problem; I’m just not sure school outside of the home is the best solution. 

As far as what you might be doing to help…

Does he have control over something? Whether it’s his independent work that he is responsible for completing or an animal that only he is responsible to take care of, I think he might be trying to exert some independence. If you could find some outlet for him to have a sense of control, while also accomplishing something productive and teaching responsibility, it might help him.

Also, (and I know this could get controversial, so please know that I write this with all humility) have you tried helping his ADHD without medication? Our dd exhibited a lot of ADD symptoms, and we were able to help them tremendously by changing her diet and removing chemicals from our home. Only you and your husband can decide what’s best for your son, but that’s just one option.

This might be a dumb question, but have you read Laying Down the Rails? If you have, it might be beneficial to start a LDR “boot camp” of sorts with your son. If its attention he’s wanting, give it to him in a positive, constructive way. Enlist his help in changing his habits. He is old enough and capable to do it, and showing him you believe in him is going to be monumental to his success (and your peace).

Finally, how is your son’s relationship with his Dad? Dad might be able to get through to him in a “manly” way that we moms can’t at his age.

I’ll pray that things get better at your house and that the Holy Spirit will fall upon all of you with His peace. I pray that everyone has grace for each other, and that you are able to find rest and contentment amidst the crazniness. I truly hope I’ve been of some help. And if not, just know that I’ll be praying for you anyway!

,

Lindsey

I think Lindsey covered most of what I would’ve said. I can, however, encourage you with a resource called “Boundaries with Kids“; there is a DVD and study guide to go with it for more in depth use, if desired. Also, one for Teens, but I’m only familiar with the aforementioned.

If implemented, things will actually get worse before they get better, but just think long-term. This is not just for him, but for his siblings to learn appropriate boundaries and communication skills in relationships-not being bullied into saying “yes”, for example; also for his future success in the business world (he must function in an office setting and under the authority of bosses) and definitely for the health of his future marriage.

Just some thoughts; with prayer and perseverance, you and your husband can do it.

Rachel

Your son sounds a little like my 12 year old daughter. She has always had problems, and the younger two were short changed because of it. Sometimes I feel really bad about that and I have thought of sending her to school too. I’m really glad I didn’t. I decided even though it was “unfair” to the others, that it was just part of what they (and I) have to deal with in life. Everyone has something.

I have to agree with everything the others have said. I have the book Boundaries by the same authors mentioned above. It’s not the one “with Kids”, but it is amazing. I’m sure the one about kids specifically is equally amazing.

Don’t be hard on yourself–or your son. Give him a hug. My husband has to remind me to hug our daughter. It isn’t always easy to feel like doing it spontaneously.

Good luck!

Our 10yo dd has severe special needs and has attended our local Christian school full days since she was five.  This year we are finally able to have her home at noon since we have aids here to help her.  Doing school with the other girls would be impossible with her home.  We pray that she continues to grow and will be able to be home with us full time at some point, but that is not the best option for our family at this time.  Our other children have to sacrifice so much for her already that it is a nice break for them to have three hours of a little more normal time.  That is certainly not to say that her disabilities have not been a blessing to us all and have taught her siblings so much, because they have.  We just all need a break from her and I don’t feel bad saying that as she can not be unattended for any amount of time.  Fortunately she is at an amazing Christian school with one on one assistance where she is surrounded by Jesus.  If her school was not an option I would keep her home.  Not knowing the extent of your son’s issues or the school he would be attending, I can’t judge what you should do.  For me, I constantly evaluate our options to make sure she is in the best possible environment for her needs and that includes her school.  Do they do a better job than I can?  For the time frame that she is there, yes, because I need to be teaching our other kids, I can attend Bible study during that time to get the encouragement and help I need to be a good wife and mother, and we all get respite from a child that requires 24/7 care.  My suggestion would be to evaluate all your options and continue to do so, pray continually, and don’t be ashamed or afraid for your homeschool experience to look different from other families.

Ditto on the AMEN.  Watching my family dynamics change and grow over the last ten years is like getting a peek at God’s plan.  It excites me for the future even though I know the future holds struggles and grief as well as blessings.