Does obedience *really* happen?

Boy, I know what you mean. I was a compliant child, with a very strong authoritarian father. Obedience ‘generally’ happened. But that doesn’t mean that I didn’t stray.

If you haven’t yet read, “Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes…in you and your kids!” you should check it out! This book and “Sheperding a Child’s Heart” are essential for implementing obedience training…but also a culture of HONOR in your home. Because obedience really isn’t what you are going for long term. You are looking for HONOR from your children. Otherwise, they will disobey every time your eye and authority isn’t ‘on’ them.

I have been where you are! Hang in there!

Why is it that you want him to obey?  Is it that you believe he needs to follow authority?  Or is it because the instructions are for things that are good for him?

I try to make sure that the instructions I give my kids are things that they really need to do — i.e. brush your teeth, wash your hands, etc.  Then I can focus on teaching them the value of those activities (cleanliness, good health) so that they internalize them and learn to do them on their own.  My goal isn’t compliance, but self-discipline. 

I also find that my kids are more likely to go along with what’s expected of them if the household as a whole is in order and has a predictable routine.  When things get too cluttered, messy, or off schedule, they are more likely to act up.  So I try to keep a good rhythm to our days, and I engage them in helping me to keep things clean and in order when necessary. 

Yes, obedience can really happen. And I agree with Servingwithjoy that it is honor that you are after not just compliance. Compliance with the wrong spirit breeds rebellion. Honor, IMHO, is like respect. It should go both ways. Sometimes I honor my dd’s preferences on something just to show her respect. I call it my “bank account of love”. It makes it much easier on me when I have to make a “withdraw”. It is really hard to make a withdraw where you have made no investment.

When my dd was your ds age, it was tough. My husband and I decided early on that our dc would not get punished for areas that we had not given them instruction in. It seemed that we were always noticing more areas that she needed to be trained in. Now, almost 4 yrs. later, dd rarely gets in trouble. That is not to say that she doesn’t need verbal correction often, but it rarely goes beyond that anymore. So yes there is hope!!!

My biggest advice(not that I am in anyway qualified to give it) is to look at this time as training time. Patiently walk through the steps of obedience with him. Even if that means setting aside times during the week that you do obedience training. Make it a game. Make it something positive.

In response to “former generations” yes, I think children did often conform on the outside. From what we have learned in parenting so far though, we would rather reach our dc heart then just their actions. My dh and I often talk about how much parenting has taught us about our Heavenly Father. He is so kind and long suffering, yet there comes a point when there is nothing else He can do but chasten us to keep us from hurting ourselves or others. He has to give us consequences but somehow mingles them with pity and love. His chastening makes us want to be near Him, not run and hide in fear of Him. We aren’t anywhere near what He is, but as parents we want to strive to follow the methods that He uses in dealing with us.

QueenMama…I love what you wrote.  We also work hard to implement a consistent rhythm in our household, and use only truly natural consequences rather than a strong authoritarian structure.  We emphasize that it is just as important for us to respect and honor our children as it is for them to respect and honor us. 

We have never spanked or used other violent or  physical discipline, and honestly (despite his severe SPD and several learning delays) have never had any issues with “obedience” with our son.  He is nearly six and ALWAYS does what he is asked.  His biggest problems stem from difficulties with recalling verbal instructions, or forgetting what his task is on his way to do it…and those are not his fault! 🙂

Gentleness, predictability, and respect FROM the parent are the biggest things, IMHO.  If you do not give respect, you have no reason to expect it from your children.

This is what I needed to read, exacly what I am going through w/my 5 year old.

AMEN (plain and simple)

So I was just reading and blogging on (http://lettersfromnebby.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/authority-and-attention/) CM’s 6th book, 4th chapter, for the upcoming CM Blog carnival. It is on authority. What strcuk me about the chapter is how she talks about children need to see that we are under authority too. We are all under God’s authority together. I think kids need to get that it is not just us saying “obey me” because I am bigger and we parents also need to remember that our authority, all authority, comes from God. I do expect my kids to obey and to obey promptly (which is nto to say that always happens) but I also need to be careful that I am using my God-given authority wisely and not indiscriminately.

Nebby