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Delayed obedience disobedience?
- This topic has 14 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 5 months ago by
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Do teenagers become exempt form this saying??!! Does anyone else ever feel frustrated with a 14 year old’s “I’ll do it later I promise!” response to every requested chore to be completed?! Do you just walk away from the sink full of dirty dishes and smelly garbage can just to keep peace (and settle for a clean kitchen at say, 9pm rather than when I want it done); or, do you get out the boxing gloves? We needed Laying Down the Rails 10 years ago! Is it too late to read it now? We did order this in hopes for our 5 year old. I feel like, no – I KNOW we have failed miserably with my two oldest 912 , 14) on the whole chore department. When they were little I was way too lenient, (with discipline as well) in light of their developmental delays. That was the biggest mistake I ever made: now we are paying for it. My son is now in puberty and I am heading into menapause; not a good chemical combination for the new school year! I want a peaceful home, but my son has become increasingly argumentative and disrespectful with his new hormone levels. My sweet, special boy is turning into a man; I realize these years will be challenging. We started our Wisdom for Life study today; I am praying this will help to remind us to focus first on God; perhaps the days will be smoother if we get on the right track every morning… Has anyone been there, done that, and have a successful homeschool survival story to tell ?
The more self control you have, the more control you have. So, try try try to overcome evil with good 😉 and speak in a normal tone at all times to your young adult. Clearly state your home rule that meals are only prepared and served in a clean kitchen and stick to it. Don’t even remind your ds and allow the natural consequences…hunger in a messy kitchen…to teach him. You never engage yourself in any negative quarrelsome conversations with your children. Wow, talk about serious habit training for mamas. When we try to control a situation without self control, everything spins out of control. It is easy to become instantly angry, but don’t. A self-controlled, no nonsense, peaceful mama will be heard, obeyed, and beloved…eventually. I’m so there in the trenches with you. Remember our best weapons are prayer and calm confidence (no one can argue with someone who doesn’t argue back). Blessings to you and your family as you study Proverbs.
I thought I had wrote this and forgot,lol(not really) but I know how you feel exactly. My kids are the same and I am so regretting being to easy on them all these years. My dd who is 17 was always a very good kid that didn’t need much discipline until she became a teenager and my son(11) needed more and didn’t get it. Now I feel like I have to be mean to get them to do what I ask them to. My dd is about to be a senior in PS and I feel it’s too late for changes with her but when August 5th gets here we will be starting hs with my ds and I plan to do differently with the time I have left with him. I would love to hear some late start success stories also. 🙂
I have a friend who has teens and she was sharing at bible study the same situation of “I’ll doo it later, I promise!!” She was so mad and later that day her dausghter asked her to wash her favorites jeans and she said it was like and angel was whispering in her ear and she said in the sweetest voice, “I’ll do it later, I promise!!” knowing it would never happen and knowing all heck was gonna happen when little miss didn’t have her Miss Me jeans for that night’s festivities. Well, lets just say that her daughter learned the hard way and is doing much better and it took only about 4-5 days for it to get through that stuff wasn’t changing. The second event was the daughter would start chores but never follow through and she was supposed to cheer at a game that night and my friend called and let them know her daughter wasn’t going to be there. She let her daughter get all dressed she got in the car, drove half way there and turned around!! Now that just takes guts, and her daughter could not believe what her mom was doing, but she got the point. Mom wasn’t going to be put off, or forgotten anymore. Girl is now on the right track so her Mom did something right. I still laugh when thinking about my firend telling us all this at bible study. LOL
Self-control is a topic to itself on p 57 of the Proverbs study, perfect! We looked at topics yesterday, but nobody wanted to pick, so I will! I never thought about how much power of influence a “calm mama” vs “very irritated mama/papa” could have, esp. in his case with some of his sensory issues. In fact, he is so sensitive and defensive with just the first reminder. He must be able to detect or sense my emotions when I think I am actually calm; I need to make an extra effort to smile perhaps, or force my voice to sound pleasant I guess. He will quickly tell me ” Please don”t get mad at me !” When I simply state the need at hand, to which I respond, “I’m not mad, why do you always think I am mad!?!” That first interaction must be the place I need to work on, evidently, because the emotions only escalate as the time goes by. I love the story of the jeans, cdm2kk! Today we will see how high the dishes/trash pile up before they can’t find anything else to use. I will have to tell my husband the plan, he might begin to wonder. He is not as bothered by the mess, (typical man, ha!) but the attitude IS a problem to him also. Thank you so much, what great ideas. The Wisdom for Life study came just in time; topic 7 (self-control) will be a perfect place to start, Amen. Maybe there is still hope for us afterall, Apsews!
I haven’t read the other posts, but thought I’d share my thoughts as the former teen (a long time ago!). My mom was going through menopause when I was in high school. She and my dad allowed me to entertain bad attitudes and lazy habits. I guess they thought it was a phase or they just wanted to “keep the peace.” They rarely required us to help (on our farm!) & we did not have regular chores. I guess Mom thought it was easier to do things herself. So when in college, I really struggled to develop any dilgence, responsibility, a sense of MUST. I did not learn then how to take care of a home or manage my time wisely. And that has been extremely difficult to learn now during marriage and motherhood. Looking back, I regret my bad attitudes, laziness, selfishness. I wish my parents would have taken the time/made the effort to deal with those heart-issues. Book knowledge alone will not equip a person for real life.
Our family has set chore routines (times). That is as true for mommy and daddy as it would be for a teen or a 5 year old. There is no “I’ll do it later.” We work before play, and we work or don’t eat. Period. Chores must be done at specified times and if not then they lose the play/eat opportunities that follow. Same for mommy/daddy, we do our work first.
“Tardy, unwilling, occasional obedience is hardly worth the having; and it is greatly easier to give the child the habit of perfect obedience by never allowing him in anything else, than it is to obtain this mere formal obedience by a constant exercise of authority.” Charlotte Mason
A blog re. Obedience – http://www.charlottemasonhelp.com/2009/07/habit-of-obedience.html?m=1
Be encouraged and do not grow weary!
Christie
This will be our first copywork/quote for each of their Book of Mottos. We (mom and dad) could use this reminder on the fridge as well! Thank you; so far the sink is still full. I will remain calm, but refuse to do it this time. Thank you also for the PM and suggestions given there; I will be shopping for these this payday. I am glad to read anything that might help; my son will look back and appreciate this someday, I hope.
Ha! That is so true! In fact, I felt a strong impression just this morning (as I passed the pile of clothes in his room) to start praying NOW for that special girl, wherever she may be!
Bumping this as we struggle with delayed obedience. I repeat myself too often or raise my voice and shouldn’t need to. Does MariePowell have an update?
Scripturally, delayed obedience is NOT disobedience, so that particular phrase is very annoying to me. But for enforcing prompt obedience, GOYB parenting has good ideas (at least they did when I checked them out before….could have changed.)
Teens are so different with these issues. At least it’s comforting to know I’m not alone:) There are so many other things that can cause stress in the teen/parent relationship that I hate to nag about chores. I’m just starting this but it does seem to make an impression if I’m consistent…and it’s simply hitting them in their pocket books. Some things I have zero tolerance for are trash itens left out(including their rooms) and not rinsing/putting dishes in dishwasher after use. I recently told my kids that if they leave stuff out to be picked up they must want a maid and maids get paid. Anytime I pick up the above items they are charged .50. Their allowance is not that large so it could add up quickly:) It’s simple and no nagging.
We also have one time each week(Saturday’s) for main chores. They do most of the vacuuming/dusting/bathrooms/small garbages. A few weeks ago I was annoyed that dd15 was still doing hers at 8:30pm. It can be disruptive to family plans and she hadn’t been busy that day. So I implemented a ‘done by 3 or pay $3’ rule.
I would do the same for any other chores….have a consistent time to do them with consequence if not completed on time. Other things that are more sporadic…like dds room getting too messy I may just say on a given day it has to be done before taking her to whatever activity is next on the calendar. Just what pretty much works here……. 🙂
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