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Dealing with pressure to push kids
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I am having a hard time right now dealing with the pressure to make my kids to do “better”.
Part of the pressure comes from my own comparing and some is actually from family, like my own mother who really just doesn’t get homeschooling or my life choices in general.
I have a 2 yr old, 5 yr old and one who is just turning 7 today and they are all so different. My 2 yr old is a very natural learner, she knows her letters by sight (lower and upper), their sounds, numbers to 20, shapes, colors, some sight words and is very social.
My 5 yr old has an extremely low attention span and actually knows less than the 2 yr old, I have no idea why because i don’t make 2 yr old sit and learn, she has learned everything just by being there as we all do school. I know my 5 yr old is not ready to read, she barely will sit for a story and doesn’t express very much interest in reading yet, but my mother keeps saying that 5 yr olds should be reading and they are in public school.
My 7 yr old is very bright and mature, but she struggles with reading and it hurts her confidence. She is very interested in reading and I feel badly she isn’t reading chapter books right now, though I am not sure what a 7 yr old is supposed to be reading.
My family has made many moves in the past couple years, and I’ve been pregnant and not feeling well twice, so that definitely put a damper on things, but now i just feel guilty that my 7 yr old – at least – is behind. I know some kids are late readers, but on another forum where a poster shared that her 7 yr old was not reading yet she was instantly bashed and told to have him checked out and all kinds of things because a 7 yr old should definitely be reading. I am sure my 7 yr old would be reading better by now if I’d been able to invest more time before, but I’m trying really hard to now.
Anyway, my main things are I am wondering if I should push them more and how much or towards what goal? My 7 year old is pretty much able to read easy readers, she sounds out many words and then goes back and re-reads the sentence nicely, so I am not sure I can call her an actual reader 🙁 and as for my 5 year old, I’m just really unsure what to do with her, though she seems happier when we just go at her pace each day, which is kind of a slow pace.
First of all, I think you shouldn’t listen to outside pressure that tells you there’s something wrong with your kids or your teaching. It is very insensitive of others to pretend they know our children better than we do or who think they could somehow offer a better option simply because they don’t see the big picture.
Secondly, and to address your issue with your 5yo, I would not worry about it at all. Charlotte Mason did not recommend beginning formal lessons until the age of 6. I hope that helps you feel a bit more “off the hook”. I started my kids at age 4, and I WISH I would have waited instead of feeling pressure to push them to be child geniuses. Thankfully, I backed off of my dd quite a bit when she was 5, and now that she’s 7 1/2, she’s doing beautifully and is right where I want her. All your 5yo needs right now is: lots of time spent in your lap reading good books, time outside to explore freely, and training in the habit of attention so that when the time comes for her to begin her lessons, she is ahead of where she is now. If she is happier to go at a slower pace, then go at a slower pace. You do homeschool, after all, so the only person she needs to “keep up with” is herself.
Third, although it is not something we have done, many homeschoolers don’t push reading independently until ages 8-10. Some have a lot of success with these late readers, and the children seem to catch up very quickly to their peers once they get going. I, personally, had a very easy time teaching my ds to read; but dd was much harder. We started over with her reading lessons twice, taking several months off in between. Now she reads like a champ! My dd is a late bloomer…in fact, we have the book Leo the Late Bloomer, and I frequently read it myself just to remind myself that this is who she is, and she eventually does bloom. If your dd’s personality is anything like my dd’s personality, then she probably hates being pushed and pressured. My dd shuts down when I start putting the pressure on. But if I stand back and slow down, she catches on and learning is much more pleasant for her.
Finally, I will leave you with a quote I’ve been keeping close by myself:
COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY.
Blessings,
Lindsey
I couldn’t agree more!
If I had to do it again, I would not have “pushed” my oldest like I did. Encourage, do my best, read to him alot, playtime, field trips, hands-on activities, etc., YES, but push because I was comparing, NO! And he was about your dd’s age when that started.
My current 7yo is still considered a beginner reader and is progressing, a bit slowly, but is definitely progressing. We are having fun w/ learning to read and not making it a chore. I thought by his 7th bday he’d be reading more fluently, but that didn’t happen, so now our goal is 8th bday by continuing w/ what we are doing right now. I’m proud of the progress he is making and I know it will just keep getting better everyday. But honestly, I’m more proud of the fact that I’ve not compared him to others and left him feeling bad for not being “further along” for which I am ashamed to admit I made my oldest feel at about the same age.
HTH
At 7yo, my DC were reading simple books like Frog and Toad, Amelia Bedelia, etc. Most HS programs (even more rigorous, classical programs) have these assigned for that age. My DS is 8 and reads very basic chapter books like Magic Treehouse, but still prefers picture books or non-fiction books with lots of pictures. We save harder chapter books for read-alouds.
My DD turns 6 next month, and it’s just recently that she’s taken off with her reading. I picked up the ETC primers when she was 4.5, but she wasn’t ready for them. We gave them a try every couple months and one month she took off with them. She finished all three books within a couple months once she got going! There seems to be a lightbulb that goes off when they are ready. For most kids, it’s between 4-7, but it can vary either way. I remember trying to hold back my DS when he was not quite 4. It was useless! He learned his letter sounds on his own. My oldest was more like my current 5yo. I had so many tell me how behind she was…at age 6! I couldn’t figure out how she could possilby be behind already. For the longest time, she dreaded reading. I kept our lessons very short, but kept them consistant. Eventually she got the hang of it and even enjoyed it! At 10, she reads so much better than her PS peers. Like the PPs, I probably pushed her too much as well…She does seem to need more of a push than my other DC, so maybe she did need it. I do regret all the times I lost my temper though.
I think it sounds like you are doing a great job! I would keep them going with whatever level they are at. Our children are all so different and aren’t going to learn the same. One of the blessings of HSing is that we don’t have to keep on a specific schedule. There are so many studies that show how late readers catch up with (or even surpass) early readers.
About attention…this is the habit that I am currently working on with my children. And I can tell you, oh how I wish I had understood and been intentional about developing this in my children BEFORE we started formal school. My oldest is 7, a boy, and he is very capable of focusing and giving his complete attention, WHEN HE WANTS TO, however, his attention span seems to be shorter and he can be very easily distracted at times. Our progression through lessons has been much slower than I expected, and i think it has had a bit to do with how little I understood the vaule of the habit of attention. Some of it is just him as an idvidual, but a more developed habit of attention for him personally would have provided him a great compensation for one of his weaker areas when we first started school. Only I didn’t know that! Thank goodness it’s never too late! I am looking forward repeaing the benefits of this habit when it is more in place than it is now, especially for him.
Consider leaving the “easy readers” for your 7 year old for the time being. To grow the idea that she CAN do it. Nothing is harder to combat as a teacher than the student’s own perception that they “can’t”. Then choose a book with a topic she is really interested in, one that she could read mostly, but with your help, and read it together. You can help her sound out if she gets stuck. I would keep these readings short, and proabably even stop before she thinks she is ready to end on a positive note whenever possible. Imagine yourself as patentily leading her down a rocky path, and helping her gain the confiendece that she can let go of your hand, and read on her own. Like training wheels, one day she will amaze herself and you and start to take off! She can do it, so can you.
sorry for the spellling errors, I’m in a rush today. Birthday party
Don’t push them! Nothing makes a kids hate learning faster than pressure to perform to someone else’s standard. Right now you want to secure their natural curiosity and joy for learning.
For your 7 year old – slow, steady progress takes time and kids vary. My oldest was a fluent reader (chapter books easily) around 6.5. My next child is 8 and just now working through his first easy chapter book – slowly. Third child is 7 and at the same stage as the 8yo. Fourth child taught himself to read at age 3 and can do chapter books easier than the 7 and 8 year old – he’s just now 5. Fifth child is following 8yo’s track – no interest in letters really. The others are even younger. Everyone is an individual and that’s okay!
Ditto to all of these wonderful ladies. Their wisdom is really invaluable. I would just add that any time you are feeling GUILT and CONDEMNATION, it is not coming from the Lord. The Lord is an encourager (ie: GIVES courage) and doesn’t diminish you or make you feel that you are failing. So, I am not trying to judge your mom here…but any time you feel that ‘failure’ feeling you can be assured it isn’t coming from the right source, spiritually.
Second, I have had kids reading chapter books at 5. And I have had kids NOT reading chapter books at 8! Every child is different and should be gently and consistently encouraged to do his/her best. That is all!
Oh, how I wish I had NOT started early with my perfectionistic son. He is an ‘acheiver’ and his early learning has made him very demanding on himself. We spend a lot of time talking about unconditional love and grace – a hard thing to learn when you are judging yourself and setting the bar very high.
Do your best, but don’t worry. Your kids are being allowed to GROW at their own pace. They will learn more at some times then at others, and that is okay. They are learning to love learning, and that will last them a lifetime!
Comparison is the thief of joy and not just within our homeschooling subjects but with all matters of life. Trust me, I have learned the hard way and have lost much joy in my own blessings (not just talking children here!) by comparing.
Knowing that we are not doing our best for our children’s sake is one thing (I know when I have procrastinated, etc.) and may need some reevaluating of priorities (and I’ll leave that for you to judge, OP). But comparing PS kids to HS kids is a time waster and comparing other HS families with our own, another time waster. Looking for advice on hsing techniques and desiring to do better to make our homes a welcoming place for our dhs and dc are great and noble. I’ll admit I do this regularly. But, to compare “how” someone learns to another person (and how quickly) is not productive. You have to work where they are…in reality, you have no other choice, unless you want unproductive days and lots of crying (and not just from the kids!!).
Oh, how I wish I had learned this earlier on!! I’m just grateful that I finally realized this truth before much more time had passed.
Best wishes.
And, it’s very unproductive to openly compare our own children to each other. We openly admit that we all have weaknesses and strengths, not to make each other feel bad, but to point out that God made us unique individuals. The truth is, life is not fair, so I try to make sure my kids know that now and are prepared for that as they live their lives. Some will be great at math, some sports, some writing, some cooking….the list goes on and on. That’s just how life is. Some will have to work much harder to be where others are, but that’s okay, a little hard work never hurt anyone.
Hope this wasn’t too off topic
.Also remember–there are things you can fix and things you can’t. IF you later decide your child could be “nudged” a bit more, then you can always do that later. And the child will still be able to progress and get where they need to go. Should you, however, push, and find later you pushed too hard and turned the child off of learning or caused her stress, you can’t go back and “unpush”. Just a thought. I worked too hard with my oldest–he seemed bright and it seemed like the thing to do–but I did cause him some “burnout”. At six years old! He recovered, but I did not make that mistake again. I paid a lot of attention to cues from my children, and then I prayed my knees raw before I pushed again!
I agree with much of what has been said. Especially this…
“Every child is different and should be gently and consistently encouraged to do his/her best.”
If that can be your definition of pushing, then push away! – For the 7 yr old at least. I would opt for little to no school for the 5 yr old unless you are required by your state to do something. If you do need to be doing school, make sure to go at a pace that helps them to enjoy learning. 🙂
I highly recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/Better-Late-Than-Early-Education/dp/0883490498. I also noticed that there is a Youtube video (haven’t seen) of Dr. James Dobson interviewing Dr. Moore (the author of this book). I believe it was in “Bringing up Boys” that Dobson said Dr. Moore is who influenced him to be a supporter of homeschooling.
Just keep encouraging them to do their best and they’ll be fine. I love how Dr. Moore compares learning to read w/teaching a child to walk. It’s physiological growth and different for each child. We shouldn’t pressure a child to walk when he’s not ready, nor read either…it comes when their body is ready and it’s fine and different for every child. Blessings on your journey! Gina
Wow…it truly helps to hear others in the same boat.
My 7yo son’s strength is definitely not reading. He’s amazing with math, but the reading has come very slowly. And he really hates it. Because he hates it, I don’t push it too hard because I don’t want to make him hate it any more. I LOVE reading and always have. I was one of those early readers and my parents worried about me because all I did as a kid was read. So it has been really hard for me to hold back and not push this with him.
My boys are exactly a year apart, so it’s been really hard not comparing them to each other. My 6yo has always seemed to be behind where my older son was at the same age. I don’t feel like he has learning issues…he just is immature, I guess. But all of a sudden last week the reading thing clicked. He’s only reading 3 letter words with “a” or “i” and with some help, but he’s doing it. And he seems to be grasping it a little easier than my older son did.
It’s hard because my neice is right in the middle of my boys age wise and is reading chapter books. I have to keep reminding myself my boys are not my neice. And I see so many other kids reading so much better than my boys. I just need to STOP comparing them and them be them. It’s so hard!
Sorry, I don’t have time to read all the replies right now but wanted to share some of the best news I ever received in this regard. When my oldest daughter was 7, she was in a small Christian school and the principal of that school told us that studies showed that kids who learned to read very early and kids who learned to read “late” all ended up at about the same point by the time they were 11 or 12. What a blessing that was to me and so thankful that I heard that with my first child! My own personal at-home study with my ten children has shown this to be true.
Also, try reading some of Ray and Dorothy Moore’s book such as “Better Late Than Early”.
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