Dating, Courtship & Purity

Heather, even though I have two teenage girls who are young adults, they have so far shown no interest in having any kind of boyfriend – they are more interested in other things at this point. However, we have talked about the subject a lot – and I have the books you mention but hate to admit we have not read them. Because we have a very open dialogue on all things, we have just always talked of these things. They also went through a passion and purity course when they were younger. They are old enough now to make their own decisions, but male company is not part of the equation yet – they are still not overly impressed with the male species, even the ones we met at our last church – so I cannot advise except to say keep the lines of communication wide open. I have talked to them about the expectations of a lot of boys who wish to go further than they should and how they need to guard against that and not feel pressured. I don’t know what the future holds but I pray a lot, lol. Linda

Heather,

   I have read the book. My daughter has also and several other books. She ended up not taking the wisdom of books and chose her own path. I would like to say things are all peachy but she has had a hard time of it. Well, I have come across some S.M Davis videos since and have taught my younger children differently. I would recommend his teachings. I would recommend watching them with your children. I had to really take a look at my own life as a dating teenager and say boy I wish I had his advice when I was younger. I wish I had the advice of a good minister who teaches why we should remain pure and not date. I have had several people try to give me advice on my daughter and how I should let her date. I wish I only stuck to my guns and didn’t listen to anyone but my heart. Now I am educated in the word and I will not waiver. I have been at both places and I have to say that I wish I have seen his videos before she was 14 yrs. old. Things could havre been so much better. Go to Solve family Problems. You make the choice after listening to the tapes or watching the videos. Good Luck and hold on to your morals no matter what people say.  God Bless!

Our oldest read “I kissed dating good-bye” and said it was good.

We have always talked very openly about dating and our viewpoints. We do not promote or allow casual dating in our family. But when the time comes, we need to now the boy or girl.  Friendship first, all group and family things, NEVER alone.  We have taught our son that if he wants to date a girl, he must have our permission and then must ask for the father of the girls permission.  Same goes for our daughers.  If a boy is interested, he must talk to Dad.

This has worked with our almost 20 year old.  She has had 2 boys come and talk to Dad, friendships and group things, and both times decided that they were not going to pursue the relationship.  She remains friends with both of these boys and the first time was when she was almost 18.  No drama, done nicely.  There are no suitors at this time.

Second daughter, 14 years.  Pushes the limits constantly and is always at battle.  “Dated” a boy behind our back. Just calls it that these days and they see eachother at games and stuff.  This boy is not even a christian.  Needless to say, we have talked very openly and prayed constantly.  She has ended it with him.  However, I have a feeling that this is really going to be a battle with her for many years to come.  We have not raised her any differently.  She read beautiful girlhood, waiting for prince charming, and has sat in many purity sermons.  She knows right from wrong. She knows what the word says and has even battled with a group of girls on how kissing before marriage was wrong.  But then really desires the boy’s attention.  Dad is present and is actually closest with this daughter, always takes her on special dates, tells her how pretty she is, hugs her, tells her he loves her…. All that to say, ultimatley she makes the choices.

Our son, is not there yet. Still to young.

Blessings,

Vanessa

Both of my older kids have read “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”.

I think the key is open, often, and specific conversations. Very specific and detailed conversations. Even our homeschooled kids have far more information than we think they probably do or should. I think it is also important not to make statements but to guide them to making decisions. I tried never to say ” You can’t do this” but asked a lot of “What would happen if you did this?” I wanted to guide them to making wise decisions that they could carry forward to adulthood.

In our home, there is no dating until age 18. At age 18, I expect my kids to take over responsibility for this area of their life. Actually by 18, I expected my kids to take over most responsibility in their life. However, while living at our home there were very specific moral rules that needed to be followed. I was very careful to choose rules that I could actually enforce. My job was to protect their purity prior to adulthood. Once they became adults, this responsibility was theirs but I was willing to help in anyway they wished. My oldest is sailor who lives 500 miles away and has been in a warzone. He is a grown man but still calls home to speak with his parents about potential relationships and how best to approach situations of this nature. My older dd is not overly impressed with the males of her generation and so far as only met one for coffee. This “date”, if you can call coffee a date, was not repeated.

Prior to age 18, we did have contact with members of the oposite sex. We didn’t live in a vacuum. My older kids went to dances which were hosted by their ballroom instructor. We went to movies as a group, etc. They were not allowed to drive themselves to these events.They weren’t allow to drive themselves much actually since I really had no control over where specifically they were going or who they were meeting. They weren’t allowed to go to a specifics someone’s house or meet a specific someone at the movies. If they wanted to go to the movies, we made it a group event with parents invited.

Courtship as defined in many Christian circles was not our goal. Adults who make wise decisions in this area was our goal, and I believe that we met it.

HTH

I have to agree Christie, I have not read the book either, but the negative view of the book is suspect – we should all consider sources as you say and pray for the wisdom we need. So far we have dealt with this issue without books, we have just talked and talked and had a very open dialog – now it is in the hands of God and the girls themselves, but they know I am always here to talk with them…Linda

Heather, I have not read either of the books you mentioned. I have however read “When God Writes Your Love Story–the ultimate guide to guy/girl relationships” by Eric and Leslie Ludy. I found their perspective to be excellent and plan to have my boys and girls read this as the time is right. I just thought I’d share another resource. I agree with the others as far as open communication.