Consequences?

What we do: Bickering is contention; the Bible says to put a contentious mouth far from me. I consider that a personal application as well as ‘second person.’ Therefore, when the children are bickering, I tell them that and give them a job to do somewhere apart from the rest of us. I do not send them to their room because I have found that causes them to just sit and stew.

In the car is harder. We separate them (15 passenger vans allow for that ) and take away their privilege of speaking. The reason is that speech is a gift from God; he tells us to use our speech to edify. In a store, I will put the offending party right next to me and not allow them the privilege of helping (big ones don’t really care about this, but the littles sure do).

I find that I must, must, must, be willing to leave a store to discipline if need be. I must be willing to return the items I purchased for the child if need be. I must be willing to disappoint the whole crowd if we’re on our way out the door and it becomes apparent that we should not even go due to discipline issues. I must be willing to embarrass myself and my children, and perhaps inconvenience others if we have to pull a no-show.

Lying, sassing/backtalking, outright rebellion, as well as safety offenses are spanked. I struggle with consistency here because I am so easily drawn into a debate. Therefore, when I know they are slipping in the area of sassing from lack of training, I typically give them one warning each day until I’m sure they are retrained. The reason is that God says he hates lying and so that is very serious. Sassing/backtalking is challenging authority and therefore is rebellion. Safety issues are not ones that we want to risk repeating.

Blessings,

Cindy

Hi Misty,

May I ask where your husband is concerning the 11 yr.old? I know you are the one w/him most of the time, but I think your son is at the age where the “prescence” of ‘DAD’ (even mentally)and the consequences from him is vitally important; an 11 yr. old definitely needs to know what’s expected of him, regarding the treatment of his mom and siblings, by the dad. Can your husband take him to work with him sometimes? He needs to be humbled under strong male authorities.

Personally, I don’t know that a spanking from mom at his age will do much, however, by dad-yes. However, if you must, if he acts that way, it may need to be redone. Or switch to soap in the mouth for an extended period of time-my husband has the children chew on the bar, all over the teeth and tongue, standing in the bathtub (because of bubbles) for 15 min. Then they have to clean their mouth out which increases the bubbles. Then everytime they eat and drink after that that day, their mouth is raw and everyting hurts; which continues the reminder of the offense. Internally, all they will experience is having to go to the bathroom alot; we use Ivory. Of cousre, in all this (spanking and soap) Scriptural study must be included. The punishments alone will not soften the heart. The rod drives out foolishness, but must be coupled in Discipleship (BIblical discipline)

Out of curiousity, does your son attend a youth group? IMO, youth groups encourage this type of behavoir. In our faith, at the age of ten, the boys start to go to the men’s breakfasts, being around men and hearing testimony from men and begin their accountability classes to G-d and man through their 2 yr. Bar Mitzvah. Perhaps it’s time for him to start attending men’s discipleship classes; he’s certanily old enough, not to mentioned being required to read books from Bob Shultz, giving an account to his father and Pastor (or Priest, right?). Or even better, doing it with your husband (all three of them, as well as other books of the same ilk from Vision Forum). Considering this is a heart issue, Scripture memory dealing the specific areas, is vital as is directed, hands-on Prayers from you and your husband, literally laying hands on him, Blessing into him Scriptural attitudes. Also, listening to accounts of wayward boys; historical bios.

Lastly, I encourage you and your husband to talk to your Priest about this, too.

John Rosemond’s books are traditional, Biblical parenting that I think will help you feel more confident in your own authority and consistancy; non of this modern, willy-nilly advice. Speak to him and expect of him as a young man, not a “pre-teen”; he can hear in your words and tone whether your expectations are as him as a boy or young man; not to mention reinforce to him his influence over the siblings and that contention will be taken seriously. Lead him to those Scriptures that talk about what he’s doing and G-d’s view of them and punishments. This is agood time to do a Proverbs study; perhaps the Priest can hold him accountable for that?

Hard-labor at that age is good, esp. for a boy. Pulling the offender to the passenger seat works for me in the car (and the older is held to the highest standard). Taking away all privileges, games, tv, telephone, (if you can’t speak to each other and mom w/respect you don’t get the privelege of speaking to others as you want leisurely) and other do-dads he has or things he enjoys.

Well, I hope this has given you some enoucragement and ideas,

Rachel

Iamasahm

While my children are not as old as yours yet, I find that a simple flick to the temple yeilds more results.  The point in the Bible of using a rod is not to punish the child, but rather to get their attention so that you can then teach them what they are doing wrong and how to make it right.  Therefore, the rod doesn’t have to be a spanking, but could be the loss of a privilege.  For example, spanking my 8 year old doesn’t work, but not letting him go to football practices and games or not going to Tae Know do Practices works like a charm.  You just have to find what works with your son and then be consistent (the hardest part as far as I’m concerned :)). 

Pray about it and ask God to guide you.  You said he says he doesn’t have anyone to play with who like what he likes.  Perhaps that is his way of telling you he needs something more.  Find what interests him, then tell him that if he will obey the rules for X amount of time then you will consider letting him do it.  I know this sounds like bargining, but the Word does say that God rewards us when we do His Word.  Thus if his obeys your rules (eph 6:1) then he should be rewarded.