Complaints and negativity from 10yo

I have a son who sounds much like yours, except he’s never had a diagnosis other than dysgraphia.  I brought him home from PS because he was picking up such a bad attitude.  We are still trying to train him out of it.  I think part of it is the age — signs of puberty are starting.  He’s also very social and isn’t satisfied to hang out with mom and younger brother all day.  It’s cool if dad’s off and they are gone doing “man” stuff together. 

Unfortunately I tend to get vetoed a lot on the media exposure around here, and I would say a lot of his attitude comes from there.  Dh works in TV, so refuses to get rid of cable.  Our main tv doesn’t have cable, but they are always watching netflix and he is always getting them new video games.  I can control their exposure only so much when dh is home.  I do try to get the tv off at 7pm, but dh usually just moves to the bedroom and starts watching there until I have the boys ready for bed and I call him to read to our younger ds.

So, ya.  I feel your pain.

Your son and mine have so much in common. 13yo ds was diagnosed with mild autism around age 8. He has come a long way, but many things have been slow to change. He is a complainer, too, and I find that often I have to step back and tell myself, No, I don’t like the complaining (and we’re told not to in the Bible), but does he maybe need a break right now? (This can happen when we’ve spent some time on a subject and he’s had ‘enough.’) Or is he just having a hard time transitioning to the next thing? (This kind of complaining occurs when I announce that it’s time for _____, and he indicated he doesn’t want to do ______.)

Other than trying to figure out what he needs and whether we can/should adapt at the moment, you’re right–it is exhausting, constantly trying to keep him a “happy camper.” It’s a balancing act, teaching him that life isn’t always a bed of roses vs. avoiding meltdowns. I’m really thinking of switching around our school day, since my girls are somewhat better at working independently and they keep complaints to a minimum.

Kids on the autism spectrum just flat-out have difficulty with anything that makes them feel as though they are not in control of their environment or themselves. My son has just recently (in the past two years) gotten used to playing with much younger kids, and he actually finds it quite nice to act as a big brother to them. It just sort of happened itself over time. He couldn’t tolerate much noise, so we sit near the back of the church (away from the loud speakers), we find a quieter place for him to sit or wander around when at a large family gathering, and we do what we can to get everyone to use inside voices to a fault at home. (Tough, because my dad is hard of hearing and he lives with us.)

My son likes checklists (well, until he fails to earn a check one day), so charts are good for him, and I will decide on a reward ahead of time, maybe writing it on the chart or including a picture of it. However, the learning curve is much different for him, so after the time allowed on a chart, we will sometimes take a brief break, then I ask him if he honestly has been doing what we worked on. If we agree that it needs more work (which it usually does), we do another chart with another reward. (Hint: don’t get too grand with rewards in case you have to work on this habit over 4 or 5 charts!) Then, we just start with another chart. I always remind him that this time, it’s going much more smoothly because he’s gotten better since the first chart and tell him that we’ll get there soon.

It’s not unusual for a habit (such as daily brushing of teeth) to take him months longer to develop than my neuro-typical girls. That’s just the way it is. For that reason, I often choose a different habit for him to work on so he’s not comparing and asking why the girls don’t have to do a chart for “x” anymore.

The other thing I have discovered over time is that it’s better not to contend with him while he’s expressing his frustration or anger. I just end up looking ridiculous as I try to talk over him, keep starting over with my mini-lecture, or keep insisting that he stop yelling/interrupting/complaining/whatever else he’s doing. I may be “the boss,” but that doesn’t mean I can “flip a switch” to get him to stop and be compliant. So, I usually either stand by and calmly say, “When you’re done arguing, I’ll talk to you about it,” or I just walk away and talk to him a little later. This is hard for my oldest to understand (“Why don’t you punish him? Punish him now!”), but she’s beginning to see how futile it is to bump heads with him, so to speak.

Also, I was told by our pastor’s wife to pray for my kids while they are sleeping. I either stand outside their bedroom doors and quietly pray, or it they are sound asleep, I’ll actually go into the room to pray. This is very helpful with my son because, as is often the case with autism, he doesn’t like to be held or touched a lot (he does give me hugs, but they are quick and still a bit stiff), and when he’s upset, he rails against being prayed for. So, I pray Scripture verses about healing (“….by Whose stripes, you were healed….”) while he’s asleep.

Respect is a good, all-emcompassing concept to begin with; respect for himself, for parents and others-others are made in the image of G-d. That’s a good reminder that when he is diminishing another, he is diminishing a person made in G-d’s Image. This concept and describing it this way really makes my dd think. My dd is so impulsive, the goal is to make her think. Self-control is absolutely necessary as a foundation for any of these, as without it, one can’t slow down and think so that he can be respectful, or control themselves enough to hold their tongue, etc. Another verse I repeat and they are beginning to is Romans 12:2; which is related to the transforming and renewing of the mind. This transforming and renewal is essential, in addition to the heart condition, to the the actions of a person.

Also, if you can, try to reinforce the idea that we are to serve one another in love and show them honor. If he’s acting ugly, assign for him extra service projects for the person he acted unjustly towards.

Another verse that came to mind when you mentioned about reminding him not to complain, plus his treatment of others, is Eph. 4:29. When my son becomes too critical (in a prideful way, not a helpful, instructive way) in his comments, I ask him: “Is this beneficial to _?” or something along those lines that recalls that particular verse.

Do you have consequences for excessive complaining? You shouldn’t be reminding him multiple times in a day. Also, what kind of attention does he get when he’s “dramatic”? When my dd, whoi has sensory processing disorder, used to pull the drama queen stuff, I’d send her directly away from everyone so she did not receive any attention for her behavior and gave her a time limit on it if she were to perpetuate in her room. She has begun to show signs of these behaviors again; now that she’s 11 it seems behaviors that we dealt with when she was 4, 5 and 6, are popping back again, just in slightly altered forms; so we’re dealing with them head-on to nip in the bud while at the same time, building up the desired, BIblical disciplines.

So for us: self-control, respect, honor (which includes obedience to parents) and gratitude is where I start. Those bring together so much. Those can be purely action oriented while the heart is being changed; you can act a certain way even if you don’t feel like it-the feelings will follow the action, don’t wait to act right till you feel like it, it probably won’t come. I tell my dd that she is to act a certain way even if she doesn’t feel like it and ask G-d to help her feelings and heart to follow, with instruction in the Word and prayer.

Just some quick ideas.