Name: Teach Them Diligently (Branson)
Start: 2025-05-15T00:00:00-05:00
End: 2025-05-17T23:59:59-05:00
Location: Branson, MO

This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 11 years ago by jotawatt.

Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)

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April 1, 2014 at 9:32 am
Noemi C.
Participant
Hello dear all, first of all I would like to thank you for being such an inspiration and helping hand whenever I ask a question. I feel very blessed to be part of this forum even though I don’t use it regularly (no internet at home) but I love reading through the different topics and getting inspired and encouraged!

This time I have a question that has occupied me quite intensely for some time: My dd is five years old (Feb 2009) and I am pregnant with my 2nd child (we had a still born baby in Aug 2010 who would be nearly 3 years old), so my daughter has grown up as a single child so far. Recently she has started taking on an adverse attitude towards me as her mother. She feels treated unjustly and often answers me in a rebellious way, just firmly saying ‘no’ if I ask her to do thing. I have read some of Jean Liedloff’s works and felt very much inspired and also convicted. She basically states that our Western modern way of brining up our children is often in an adversary way – too often we are against our children, we are their enemies, our rather they are ours and we fail in being their friends and loving, tender, patient mothers. She also believes that the parents’ attitude of expecting their children to not fulfil their expectations (or to fulfil their negative expectations) is the very reason for children to actually act the way that they shouldn’t. On the contrary, naturally expecting the children to be social beings, to behave well, to actually want to do fine and fulfil their parents’ positive expectations has a very positive effect on children. Her thoughts have encouraged me to have it as my first priority to NOT be an adversary to my daughter anymore and to deal with my l (often present) lack of love for her that is caused by my ambition to discipline her, to get her “do the right thing”, behave in the right way, (as said above) fulfill my positive expectation but actually in the back of my mind expect her to fail. This is very subtle but I totally felt convicted in this. I have now tried to observe myself carefully ‘checking my own heart and intentions’, which has been utterly helpful and healing to my relationship to my daughter. I achieve it much better to be of a gentle and soft, kind and positive spirit (also towards my husband).
Now what I find hard is to find the right balance between gentleness, softness and friendliness and discipline and firmness. I try hard not to lose my temper, not to raise my voice but to be firm in a peace-making way, which is totally my heart-desired goal. I realise now that my daughter mirrors my own behaviour (and weaknesses) in the way she responds to me, but I feel it’s “not too late”. She is still very cooperative and teachable, a very joyful, fun-loving and innocent child but I do see traces of hardheartedness and stubbornness in her that I have traces of.
I grew up in a strict, humourless, success-orientated Swiss household (I’m overstressing the negatives a bit) while my husband grew up in a very relaxed, humorous, emotion-showing, but tough’n’rough Australian family. So we are utterly different but we try to just focus on the positive sides of our upbringing and try to find a balance. My husband encourages me to pass on the positive sides of the education I received while working on my weaknesses, while he is supplying our daughter with the Aussie relaxedness and love for fun and peace. It is theoretically a good mixture, just sometimes (well, often) hard for me to not get discouraged and resentful regarding my upbringing and the negative effects it had on my personality. But then again – God’s grace is endless and new every morning and it certainly helps to always remember this!
So I would love to read how you do it?? How to you find the right balance in your role as a mother – a loving gentle friendship-orientated mother – and – the one that holds the responsibility to discipline and train (lay down the rails for) your children?
Do you, too, find yourselves (sometimes or often) being against your children and getting into that mindset of not trusting in their goodness and willingness to obey (mostly unconsciously)?

I’d love to hear about your experiences and thoughts!

April 1, 2014 at 12:14 pm
curlywhirly
Participant
Hello Noemi,
I am not familiar with Jean Liedloff’s work, but just going off what you have said here I would have to say that I have not found my children to respond well to me being their friend since they need a mother much more than they need a companion or friend. I think the best Mothers guide, correct and encourage much more than any friend. Once they become teens I have found my relationship with them to shift to more of a coach, and as they become adults it shifts again toward friends. My children range in age from 26 years old to 5 years old. We have biological and adopted and foster children, so some of my experiences are with children who have suffered the worst kinds of trauma and who lack the resilience or relationship to cope with a lot of “normal” parenting. So, your milage may vary.
I think adversarial parenting is not generally helpful, although occassionally a child will issue a challenge to parents that must be met and overcome in order for the child to feel safe with us as their leaders. If we don’t prove our strength and competence and faithfulness they won’t feel safe and trust us. So, these challenges are usually best overcome with our wits and love to bring connection rather than confrontation, punnishment and a winner/loser.
One fundamental difference I have with your description is that I do not think all children are good. I think all people have a sin nature and our job as parent is helping our kids learn how to manage those impluses and difficulties. Sometimes that means helping them see where they fit in the big sceme of things (not the boss). I think most all higher level learning and growth takes place in context of relationship, which provides the motivation for good behavior. Without that relationship, all we will have is positive reinforcement which is a good tool but not enough to form a strong, wise and confident adult.
Some resources that I have found helpful, in no particular order:
http://www.loveandlogic.com/ (natural consequences as a parenting tool)
http://empoweredtoconnect.org/book/  (children need structure and nurture)
http://simplycharlottemason.com/store/laying-down-rails-charlotte-mason-habits/ (how to guide and teach our kids in the details)

April 1, 2014 at 12:54 pm
Shannon
Participant
I haven’t been able to read this all yet but saw Leidloff’s name and wondered what book you read. Was it The Continuum Concept, or something else? I read TCC in college (25 years ago!) long before having children and it had a huge impact on me. I haven’t read it since. I’d love to know what it was that you read!
Shannon
April 1, 2014 at 1:55 pm
LindseyD
Participant
I don’t have time to write a detailed response, but everything I would say is found in Sally Clarkson’s The Ministry of Motherhood. It discusses discipling your children by studying the life of Christ. It also talks about giving your children grace, words of encouragement, inspiration, faith, and also to be a listener and friend to them. Anyway, it’s an easy read, and you can journal through it so that you’re setting specific goals for yourself in mothering.
Blessings,
Lindsey
April 1, 2014 at 7:30 pm
jotawatt
Participant
A long time ago, I heard something very profound that has stuck with me. A child needs both discipline and love. Love without discipline results in a spoiled, selfish child. Discipline without love results in a child who is angry and rebellious.
However, that love has to come in a way and form that the child can readily receive…. we all have certain things that really help us to “feel” loved. Sometimes it’s called a love language. A parent can love their child more than life itself, but if they don’t express that love in a way that the child receives well, then the child may not be receiving it. It’s like they’re speaking two different languages and so they can’t communicate. I’ve experienced this with my own children, and even during my own childhood.
All that to say, I would zero in on making sure my daughter feels loved, while not neglecting wise instruction and discipline. What does she seem to really respond to or need from you? Lots of hugs and cuddling? Quality time and conversation? (I have one who will talk my ear off…it’s her love language!) Affirming words? During pregnancy, you’re physically uncomfortable — maybe your daughter is missing snuggles on your lap (because she can’t fit there anymore!), and so she needs more hugs or side-snuggling while you sit. Or maybe she hears so much about a new baby, whether from family or from friends/acquaintances, that she needs some truthful, building affirmation to feel that she’s still important too. Obviously, I don’t know your daughter — you and your husband can best figure out what she might be feeling a lack of.
I’ve seen my children’s attitudes improve 100% when we’ve made an effort to daily give them plenty of their “love language.” And this includes teenagers!
Blessings,
Tara